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RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 10:51:10 AM   
whiteboi916


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

None of us are here to be the outlet to your fantasies.  I'm a human being just like you, but you didn't treat Me like one.  When people fail to do that, you're damn right I'm going to be rude to you.  I'm not here to cater to you.  My experience in the lifestyle doesn't make Me an automatic target for your fantasy and give you permission to speak to Me like I am nothing more than what you have conjured in your head.



Respectfully I wasnt referring to you in the OP, it was more a general statement. 

And again respectfully I asked if "I could be of service to you", I was very deliberate and did not mean to cause any offense and I am sorry that some was taken. 

I believe I have conducted myself as a gentleman since being on this site, I'm just getting to grips with the nuances and ettiquette of this "scene".

Thanks for all the constructive criticism, what I am hoping comes out of this is that I will be a better sub at the end of it. 

Anyway thanks again. 

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 11:05:56 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Whiteboi, I recommend that you read the stickys at the top of the Mistress board, there is a great FAQ there. After that, use COMMON SENSE, and don't be a douche.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to whiteboi916)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 11:08:59 AM   
gedienstig


Posts: 155
Joined: 5/9/2010
Status: offline 		Well, don't immediately offer your services to a woman here. Ask her about her opinion on certain things in her profile, compliment her on something specific to her, heck even if you ask her how her day was you have a bigger chance they'll give you a "fair treatment" rather than immediately offering yourself to anyone.

But then again, I might be wrong and one of the fishes might bite to your immediate offer of service (even though I think that she will more likely than not ask for quite some money to let you serve her), although I have to admit I also used to do that sometimes. But I have found out the good way that it is best to show interest in the person first, then the Domme.

_____________________________

If they say why, why?
Tell 'em that it's human nature

(in reply to whiteboi916)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 11:54:27 AM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		whiteboi916,

quote:

ElanSubdued:
Even then, you'd be wise to take note of her desires, style, mood, and the dynamics between the two of you before being playful in a way that isn't received kindly.


This is worded incorrectly.  I meant:  "...to avoid being playful in a way that isn't received kindly".

quote:

whiteboi916 wrote:
I believe I have conducted myself as a gentleman since being on this site, I'm just getting to grips with the nuances and ettiquette of this "scene".


What you believe and what actually is can be two different things.  It appears as though you committed a number of unintended faux pas.  These were small, but around here, if you're a domme and receive many letters with these every day, it begins to feel like you're viewed only as a fetish provider by submissives.  Can you understand why someone would tire of being viewed in this light?  This is why you got the abrupt reaction you did.

LP is very approachable.  So is LadyHibiscus and almost all the other dominants and submissives you'll meet on this forum.  Get to know people first, before offering service, talking about details of kinks, etc.  That's the takeaway here.  Also, even though your initial foray into this site hasn't gone as smoothly as you would have liked, don't let this dissuade you.  People don't hold a grudge around here as long as you're willing to learn from your mistakes.  My suggestion (though you didn't ask for it) is:  join in on some discussions and this little blip will soon be forgotten (by you and by everyone).  We're really all quite soft and fluffy once you get to know us. :-)

Edited to add:

A perfect and timely example.  When I logged off the forum (which takes one back to the dating side of CM), the first ad that appeared on my screen was from a male submissive.  It reads like this:

quote:

Male Submissive Ad:
i need a ass to eat, some golden nectar to drink, a mistress feet to kiss so bad its almost sad.  (snip)  N need of a serious mistress.  (snip)  put me on a leash and collar and call me yours!  (snip)  Can i Get SOME CBT please...


I didn't make this up.  This is a real profile.  Now, imagine you're the target of thousands upon thousands of these types of ads and letters (written by people can't even be bothered to type a complete sentence with proper capitalization and punctuation).  Yep.  Just give me my cock and ball torture and I want it now!  How ever so attractive and inviting!  For the life of me, I don't understand why some dommes are so persnickety when they have so many, "wonderful" opportunities. :-)

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 7/2/2010 12:06:42 PM >

(in reply to whiteboi916)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 12:13:48 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		whiteboi,

How can I say this with a positive spin? You have heard a lot about what you should or shouldn't do including a very helpful name change, but even with a different name, you are still going to be batting zero unless you become bitch to the many who are only in this for the ego/money and are not professional dominants. They will make you a bitch for the high price of everything in your pocket.

If you really want to be someone's bitch, you can't just present yourself and have instant bitch and domina. We dominant's don't work that way. If you present as instant bitch, we will find little worth in you. More importantly, in your wanting to be instant bitch, you have insulted any dominant you ask to serve because you would think they would accept just any bitch and jump at the opportunity to have you.

Just what is a bitch? We use and abuse you and you are willing to clean house. Now when I hire a maid service, I check them out longer than a few emails before I bring them home to clean. When I want a house mouse or bitch or someone to get intimate with, I am not looking for some instant connection or you slave, me dominant, lets party! I want substance because I am substance. Instant bitches are a dime a dozen. So are instant dominant scammers.

When you approach a dominant worth her weight in gold, do you really think that the myspace kink style is going to be impressive? You are learning that it is not. Okay, first lesson. Now what are you going to do? What will you do to settle down, settle in, calm that high puppy energy because most of us know what a hassle pups can be and show us something of worth? To show us something of worth you need to pay attention, learn us in general and learn what a real bitch is to us and who we make our bitches. Fine tune yourself or at least temper yourself because if you don't, you will have to find an instant dominant and for that, you better get your wallet out.

And right off the bat, I will tell you beside your nick being off, you might want to lose that... I want to be a bitch thing. Many of us don't want a bitch.


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to gedienstig)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 12:36:50 PM   
whiteboi916


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/29/2010
Status: offline 		Great post Lockit. 

Many thanks and by trying to be the quick fix bitch I am probably more susceptible to being scammed and ripped off, point noted. 

What would be a better way to define myself that incorporates my submission and inferiority to a domme?  Boy, slave? 

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 12:42:31 PM   
blackwingedangel


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/29/2006
Status: offline 		Fast Reply

I just recently made the choice to change my profile from Switch to Domme. As soon as my name went red, I got flooded with pages upon pages of emails from male subs wanting to be my "bitch". Keep in mind, my experience level didnt go up, I didnt suddenly become proficient in flogging or whipping techniques. I'm still the same very green dominant female, still firmly planted on the learning curve, but I instantly had that "new Domme smell".

The point is, the number of male subs to female dominants is huge! I'm not going to make up a statistic, but the numbers definately favor the dominas. When I see subs looking for that instant gratification, I immediately move on. I realize its a fine balance and exchange, but reading things like "I guess I'll clean" "I suppose I can do this or that in exchange for getting MY kinks met", etc etc is a major turn off.

Lockit is correct when she mentioned vetting a maid or cleaning person takes more than a few emails. If I'm going to let someone into my home, even for a cup of coffee, let alone to clean it or to have a more involved relationship, I'm going to make damn sure they're who they say they are, dont have a criminal record, etc.

Instant gratification will cost you the services of a Pro or one of the faux "tribute" ladies. Long term graification will take patience, common sense, and a little less you, alot more "we"

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 12:47:23 PM   
blackwingedangel


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/29/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: whiteboi916

Great post Lockit. 

Many thanks and by trying to be the quick fix bitch I am probably more susceptible to being scammed and ripped off, point noted. 

What would be a better way to define myself that incorporates my submission and inferiority to a domme?  Boy, slave? 


None of the above.

The profiles that get my attention (and this is just me, not a general consensus), are the ones that tell me about the person. Not the sub not the slave, but YOU. Who are you? What do you enjoy doing in and out of the lifestyle? Do you have special talents (non sexual)? If youre looking for something beyond the kink, your potential mistress has to like being around all of you, not just the fetish. Do you like to cook? travel? read mystery novels? Maybe you have a talent at singing drunk karaoke? expand beyond kink and give people a glimpse at you

(in reply to whiteboi916)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 12:50:51 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Tell you what... think of some nicks you could use and then go to the home page and do a search for them. See how many are alike. You don't want to look like all the others.

Find something about yourself that you might express in your nick. Like mine... most think it means chastity and that is a draw back, but the nick means a lot to me for personal reasons and I love locks. I had a submissive when I joined so I wasn't thinking about attracting someone right off with my nick. I was thinking persona and deep. But the nick has served me well.

Find something that means something that isn't offensive to those you wish to attract. If you want someone superior, go with a nick that suggests that, but let me tell you... you can get the dynamics without that position and many of us wouldn't consider you because of that. Although we might in fact hold a place like that in our submissive's eyes and our life together.

And like others have said... read the threads that are at the top of the mistress board. It might help.




_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to whiteboi916)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 1:03:32 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		whiteboi916,

quote:

What would be a better way to define myself that incorporates my submission and inferiority to a domme?  Boy, slave?


I know you asked this of Lockit, but... here's a direct answer.  How about identifying as a capable, interesting, well balanced man who can hold a conversation outside of BDSM?  That's what I'd do were I you.  Drop the "inferiority" stuff 'cause it's a big turn-off for a lot of people and it reeks of a fantasy/fetish-only mentality.

E.

(in reply to whiteboi916)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 1:07:00 PM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued

whiteboi916,

quote:

What would be a better way to define myself that incorporates my submission and inferiority to a domme?  Boy, slave?


I know you asked this of Lockit, but... here's a direct answer.  How about identifying as a capable, interesting, well balanced man who can hold a conversation outside of BDSM?  That's what I'd do were I you.  Drop the "inferiority" stuff 'cause it's a big turn-off for a lot of people and it reeks of a fantasy/fetish-only mentality.

E.



This.  Just this.


_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 2:29:03 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Just throwing in another vote for the name change.  I would highly suggest that you don't make it kink related because folks won't take you seriously for some time.  Pick something that means something to you and use that.  Avoid words that are crude (bitch, slut, etc) or have sexual tones.  You might want to choose something that reflects that you are still learning.

While your OP wasn't directed at Me personally, I was absolutely a part of it.  I want you to remember what I told you about text speak for future reference.  Also, I'm going to strongly suggest that you get a dose of the real world by finding your local BDSM community.  The way you speak with people there should be the same way that you interact with people here.  If you wouldn't do it when talking to someone face to face, don't do it just because you are behind the screen.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 2:34:39 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued
In other words, to turn this around, you can't go around making LP your bitch (oops... Bitch) until you know her well. 

And now... I'll be running outta' this thread *as fast as I can* before LP catches up with me! :-)

Elan.

My Dear elannnnnnnnnn, said in the sweetest, almost singing tone that I have.

I didn't want you to think that I missed this.  Just a reminder that My memory is long.  Just when will you be visiting the wine country, dear?  The sadist in Me would like to chat with you for a while.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 2:53:43 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Whiteboi

Yeah, the name has to go. Here is the thing, you are both fucked and lucky as hell. Most male submissives are fucking morons and couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a gold card. Women get sick of the idiots and so they tend to dismiss first and ask questions later and you have clearly not broken that hurdle. However, that leads to the good news. IF you can stand out, and sadly, it isn't that hard you will go from dross to gold.

How? First off, stop looking at women like they should welcome your attentions. I know Dommes who have men do plumbing for them for the mere chance to see tham at home in sweat pants and a t shirt. There is a reason men often pay for the services of a Domme. Instead, make yourself useful, not by promising to clean toilets but by becoming a man, one who they would be proud to take to a company party and look good in a suit. Right there you are a head above most.

Lastly, you are in Sacramento, there are bdsm groups here in town and you should start going to fem domme events in SF. You should go as a volunteer and now your dick is never going to leave your pants. You are local to me, so don't hesitate to ask questions and I actually just spent a weekend with LadyPact at a kink weekend so this world is small at times and the reputations we have can often spread far and wide.

As for our "being rude" we don't suger coat advice here, we don't coddle but ask a sincere question from a place of humility and you would be amazed at how people here will open their hearts and experience to you. I would pick up a copy of "Mistress Abernathys" book on being a male submissive. It is a but fluffy and wanky but at the same time, it does detail some good stuff.

I know a lot of female Dommes, lets just say I often enjoy their company so if you do start to stand out, I can introduce you around but in my book male submissives are idiots till proven otherwise. I also think that being a male submissive takes far more balls and courage to do than being a male dominant.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 3:27:46 PM   
blackwingedangel


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/29/2006
Status: offline 		To expand on SimplyMichaels excellent advice, try several different groups/munches and look for one where you feel welcome and comfortable. I personally have found little luck in the public scene because I didnt feel welcomed. In fact I spent much of the munch staring into the ice in my water, and it wasnt from lack of trying to join conversations. I myself am still looking for a group where I feel comfortable so its not just male subs that have trouble finding their footing in the scene.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 3:30:44 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i was hijacking, so ill start a new thread.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 7/2/2010 3:31:39 PM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 3:33:49 PM   
lobodomslavery


Posts: 2477
Joined: 1/17/2008
Status: offline 		Yeah get away from the computer go to a munch. But take things slow dont expect to meet a future Mistress in double quick time. It will realistically take a while and if You do meet someone very quickly that can be a bad sign as they may only be interested in You not for what You are but for what You have, like material posssession not a good sign in my opinion
kevin

(in reply to blackwingedangel)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 4:44:03 PM   
gedienstig


Posts: 155
Joined: 5/9/2010
Status: offline 		Is there a reference that I am missing here? If he's a boy and he's white, the name seems perfectly reasonable. Plus, I've seen stupider names, e.g. the one on the left of this post, but I have had some decent conversation through C-Mail with some people anyway even thought with a lame profile, just because I was friendly and respectful in  my mails (which should be the most important thing to possibly improve on).

_____________________________

If they say why, why?
Tell 'em that it's human nature

(in reply to lobodomslavery)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 4:51:49 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Yes, you are missing something.

What is the difference between a boy and a boi?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to gedienstig)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Whats the point of the BDSM scene? - 7/2/2010 4:54:13 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		nm-LP beat me to it.


< Message edited by VaguelyCurious -- 7/2/2010 4:59:06 PM >

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.




(in reply to gedienstig)
Profile   Post #: 40
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