Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Question about mentors


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Question about mentors Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Question about mentors - 7/4/2010 5:30:57 PM   
Darkvamp1978


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline 		I will first say I am still fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle, having only been active outside of the bedroom for about 1 year now. In this time I have seen a number of people talking about "mentors" and have often wondered how this works and what is a new Dom likely to gain from a mentor?

I have always seen myself as a Dom and am very interested in other peoples opinions regarding the Dom/sub relationship dynamic and how they make it work, and am wondering if it would be worth me looking for a mentor to improve my skills and teach me how to Dom correctly as everything I do currently is self taught, and I often find myself struggling to think of things such as assignments for my sub or punishments.


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Question about mentors - 7/4/2010 6:23:01 PM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		Your best bet would be, use the Search button at the top right hand of the screen. This subject comes up very frequently and you will find many people's opinions in previous threads. Type in words such as mentor or new dom.

_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to Darkvamp1978)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Question about mentors - 7/5/2010 1:13:08 AM   
Darkvamp1978


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline 		Thankyou very much for the reply MsLadySue I will take a look through and see what I can find.

Darkvamp1978

(in reply to MsLadySue)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Question about mentors - 7/5/2010 1:48:52 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkvamp1978

I will first say I am still fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle, having only been active outside of the bedroom for about 1 year now. In this time I have seen a number of people talking about "mentors" and have often wondered how this works and what is a new Dom likely to gain from a mentor?

I have always seen myself as a Dom and am very interested in other peoples opinions regarding the Dom/sub relationship dynamic and how they make it work, and am wondering if it would be worth me looking for a mentor to improve my skills and teach me how to Dom correctly as everything I do currently is self taught, and I often find myself struggling to think of things such as assignments for my sub or punishments.





Hello Vamp,
I'm kind of confused about this "assignments ... or punishments."

Punishments versus funishment.... there are a bazillion threads on that, so I won't beat that dead horse.

However, assignments... What is something that would make her a better person? Cooking classes? Learning how to change the oil in the car? Yoga for flexibility? Join a book group to have more interaction with other women as an outlet? Finish her GED/college degree/apprenticeship to get a better job and bring in more money? Learn CPR?

How can she make your life better? Basic home accounting? Creating a beautiful garden to relax in? Supporting your belief in saving the environment? Sewing on your buttons? Learning to drive a stick shift so she can take her turn driving your car on long trips? Making home brew? Experimenting with solar energy?

Something the two of you can do together? Tango classes at the Y? Couples massages? A weekend retreat to be investigated and set up? Joint golf lessons?

I think you are forgetting that this is *a relationship*. That means it's two people being together, creating something. Each person has needs to be met. Each person needs to bring out the better in the other. It's not about some "assignment" ... Serving is *TO ME* about active love. It is love in action. If you want her to be a part of your life, you need to inspire her affection. Action follows. Let her know that you want a, b, or c action, a manifestation of her affection for you, and then see how it goes. Let her know you appreciate it. Pay attention to her efforts and commend her on them.

People will do the dangedest things in the name of love and affection. This is not a mysterious thing. It is just life.

As always, YMMV.
best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Darkvamp1978)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Question about mentors - 7/5/2010 1:55:52 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
WIITWD shouldn't be a struggle! It should come naturally, and feel right.

If you're "often struggling" to think of assignments and punishments for your sub, didn't it ever occur to you that maybe those sorts of things just aren't your style?! Find what feels right for you.

"Assignments" aren't necessary, and if you do want to assign things they need not be anything more than whatever would help you or your sub naturally anyway.... And a reward/punishment dynamic isn't necessary at all, either.

Discuss and decide what you and your slave both want and need, and what feels right for you both. Does she even want an assignment, or reward/punishment kind of dynamic at all?? Do you??

Whatever doesn't feel yummy and good, and sweet, and right for you both can be jettisoned. Focus on addressing both of your needs and desires.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to Darkvamp1978)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Question about mentors - 7/5/2010 5:13:49 AM   
dananddawn


Posts: 56
Joined: 9/12/2007
Status: offline 		To me, it really depends on what sort of Dom you are. There are many variations you'll find here.

For example, my style conflicts with what I read above from Dreamerdreaming. Yummy is not a requirement. Self betterment is. So I do use assignments and punishment to move my slaves in a direction I want them to go. I'm not going to bore you with views and definitions (if you are really curious, you can see mine here -> http://www.housemetta.com/home/terminology) but to your question:

First, figure out how you perceive yourself as a Dom. At least initially. Perhaps events and munches to see what other people are doing.

Then, find someone like that. Then, ask them to mentor you. Mentoring is about learning from peers.

Warmly,
Dan

_____________________________

Co-host of the Erotic Awakening podcast http://www.eroticawakening.com and authors of Living M/s http://goo.gl/cxXmh

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Question about mentors - 7/5/2010 6:16:30 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I don't care for them. I prefer lifesavers. And their commercials were really annoying.

_____________________________



(in reply to Darkvamp1978)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Question about mentors - 7/5/2010 6:20:21 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		No way!


If you put Mentors in coke it explodes. Lifesavers don't do that.

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Question about mentors - 7/5/2010 7:16:56 AM   
heartcream


Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkvamp1978

I will first say I am still fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle, having only been active outside of the bedroom for about 1 year now. In this time I have seen a number of people talking about "mentors" and have often wondered how this works and what is a new Dom likely to gain from a mentor?

I have always seen myself as a Dom and am very interested in other peoples opinions regarding the Dom/sub relationship dynamic and how they make it work, and am wondering if it would be worth me looking for a mentor to improve my skills and teach me how to Dom correctly as everything I do currently is self taught, and I often find myself struggling to think of things such as assignments for my sub or punishments.





I hear New York University has the best program.

_____________________________

"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh

I'd Rather Be With You

Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat



(in reply to Darkvamp1978)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Question about mentors - 7/5/2010 8:46:47 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		How much would it cost to send aileen to House Metta for a few years?

Shorebound has not trained her in any type of old guard fashion....I'm thinking dananddawn might be able to form her in to something that doesn't make you want to upchuck.

_____________________________



(in reply to heartcream)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Question about mentors - 7/5/2010 3:39:48 PM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkvamp1978

I will first say I am still fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle, having only been active outside of the bedroom for about 1 year now. In this time I have seen a number of people talking about "mentors" and have often wondered how this works and what is a new Dom likely to gain from a mentor?

I have always seen myself as a Dom and am very interested in other peoples opinions regarding the Dom/sub relationship dynamic and how they make it work, and am wondering if it would be worth me looking for a mentor to improve my skills and teach me how to Dom correctly as everything I do currently is self taught, and I often find myself struggling to think of things such as assignments for my sub or punishments.


A mentor or in other words i.e. guide, supporter or an adviser can be understood to be one who has forged a trail and discovered a more refined approach to accomplishing his goals, regardless what they are. It is possible to befriend a mentor and perhaps become learned in a more skilled approach to accomplish your goals be whatever they are. However solely following a mentor without having first defined your motive, purpose and the outcome you expect to attain lends itself to the lack of clarity and consideration required to arrive at a rational expectation. If not of course you risk furthering yourself up for continued personal failure which is likely to reinforce your current issues of feeling inadequate regarding your inability to obtain the “ How to Dom Manual “ that you seek.

There is NO such manual on how to be dominant as a man. IMO as a man I am naturally dominant. I set forth to master that which I aim to dominate and do not relinquish my focus until I have gone full circle and have mastered my goal. This is a method I assert in everything I do. To be a man IMO is to master yourself first with an unrelenting strength that goes from strength to strength and is willingly sharpened by the challenges that are presented on a daily basis. Manhood 101 teaches us that to be a man is to stand for that which is we believe and have discovered firstly on an independent level and then secondly always be willing to refine that which can be further improved.

In the end of searching it really comes down to the solitary approach of asserting dominance. Trial and Error really. Else how does a man know what works for him if he depends solely on the successes of another man that dared to forge his own pathway? Set forth to be the man you are. Forge your own path. Nothing wrong with asking for input or ideas. However you alone are responsible to apply what you learn and to fine tune it in order that you can have the ultimate pleasure of knowing you found your own approach that works for you as a man. Then perhaps you will experience the fulfillment that is present in the moment when you claim your innate abilities to be the dominant man that you have mastered yourself to become. Everything else is secondary. Confidence is primary.

< Message edited by Zevar -- 7/5/2010 3:41:52 PM >

(in reply to Darkvamp1978)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Question about mentors - 7/5/2010 3:58:15 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		my late Sir mentored - he taught skills such as caning or flogging, and perhaps taught by example the day-to-day stuff. Dominance is something you either have or don't have. The skills to use and enjoy a sub can be learned, and perhaps are faster learned from another than by trial and error.

I would suggest you get involved in a local group, and find someone whom you respect - and ask his advice. 

(in reply to Zevar)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Question about mentors - 7/6/2010 5:33:07 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkvamp1978

I will first say I am still fairly new to the BDSM lifestyle, having only been active outside of the bedroom for about 1 year now. In this time I have seen a number of people talking about "mentors" and have often wondered how this works and what is a new Dom likely to gain from a mentor?

I have always seen myself as a Dom and am very interested in other peoples opinions regarding the Dom/sub relationship dynamic and how they make it work, and am wondering if it would be worth me looking for a mentor to improve my skills and teach me how to Dom correctly as everything I do currently is self taught, and I often find myself struggling to think of things such as assignments for my sub or punishments.

I'm not trying to be rude here, but you mention seeing people talking about mentors.  Where exactly are you "seeing" this?  On the net?  In your local BDSM community?  Personally, I put a lot more faith in things that I see with My own eyes.

If you want to learn more things related to BDSM or D/s dynamics, I would suggest to you that you find folks that you can see for yourself who are successful, and talk with them about how they obtained that success.  When you see with your own eyes that folks have something that you want (topping skills, a solid dynamic, etc) ask them how they obtained it.  That's what mentoring really is, at least to Me.  Find the people who are good at what they do and learn from them.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Darkvamp1978)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Question about mentors - 7/6/2010 6:57:56 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		What LadyPact said and keep in mind as you encounter people that there really isn't any one right way other than what is consentual and your partner agrees with.

You will find many that will say their way is THE way, if their way doesn't work for you, discard it.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Question about mentors - 7/7/2010 3:48:23 PM   
sir1969


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/19/2008
Status: offline 		I feel I could have used a mentor as well (had always wanted to Dom, had the desire, the drive, but lacked in practical skill so the learning process has been slow but steady - patience, trial & error).  Wouldn't mind the occasional pointer even now.  My difficulty with some advice here (join local group, attend munches, etc.) is that I live in a small community and there is no local group, no meetings, etc.  There simply is not easy access to the lifestyle community.

So, I read books about being a Dom or Topping and threads here on CollarMe.  I've watched James (last name escapes me) in Kink's Training of O series.  The early sets were almost documentary-like and very informative including very good examples of assignments - what purpose they had, how to get them achieved, what the sub was expected to learn, etc (I wouldn't doubt James has a background in psychology).  The newer sets tend to be all porn and little (at least less) quality information.

And finally, as has been stated, you need to understand what you and your sub both need and desire from the relationship.  My sub wants assignments and that is primarily where I struggled initially.  Even now they can be difficult.  Coming up with good assignments with a purpose rather than just "do this because I said so".  There was/is much more psychology involved in the dom/sub dynamic than I had ever realized.  You are, potentially, modifying someone's behavior.  This may come easy to some but I've had to work at it.

(in reply to laurell3)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Question about mentors - 7/7/2010 4:05:05 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sir1969

I feel I could have used a mentor as well (had always wanted to Dom, had the desire, the drive, but lacked in practical skill so the learning process has been slow but steady - patience, trial & error).  Wouldn't mind the occasional pointer even now.  My difficulty with some advice here (join local group, attend munches, etc.) is that I live in a small community and there is no local group, no meetings, etc.  There simply is not easy access to the lifestyle community.

So, I read books about being a Dom or Topping and threads here on CollarMe.  I've watched James (last name escapes me) in Kink's Training of O series.  The early sets were almost documentary-like and very informative including very good examples of assignments - what purpose they had, how to get them achieved, what the sub was expected to learn, etc (I wouldn't doubt James has a background in psychology).  The newer sets tend to be all porn and little (at least less) quality information.

And finally, as has been stated, you need to understand what you and your sub both need and desire from the relationship.  My sub wants assignments and that is primarily where I struggled initially.  Even now they can be difficult.  Coming up with good assignments with a purpose rather than just "do this because I said so".  There was/is much more psychology involved in the dom/sub dynamic than I had ever realized.  You are, potentially, modifying someone's behavior.  This may come easy to some but I've had to work at it.


I see people say this all of the time about how there's not a local community.  Even without a town listed on your location, you could very easily make it to a number of major cities in your state that have thriving BDSM communities.  There might be a farther drive involved for you, but it's definitely something you could accomplish.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to sir1969)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Question about mentors - 7/7/2010 5:48:10 PM   
sir1969


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/19/2008
Status: offline 		"There might be a farther drive involved for you, but it's definitely something you could accomplish."


For special events, yes, my wife and I do head to the city.  But that farther drive is, at minimum, 2 hours away from where we live.  Not a trip we can make on any sort of regular basis.




(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Question about mentors - 7/7/2010 11:57:50 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		A group that meets once a month with a quarterly party wouldn't be out of reach for a 2 hour drive. I drive an hour one way to go to work, do *real* shopping, and attend munches/parties. If you really want to get to know people and learn more skills, investing the time and gas would be worth it. And that kind of drive means you probably *won't* meet your next door neighbor at the same munch/party. (Doesn't explain how someone who lives a mile from me shows up at so many of the same munches/parties though!!)

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to sir1969)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Question about mentors - 7/8/2010 12:39:14 AM   
kateindenver


Posts: 35
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline 		When i was brand new to the lifestyle i created my collarme profile specifically asking for a mentor. A womderful Dominant repkied tol me. WE/we spok forabout one year .He taught mt things like Safe, sane and consualHe answeed all my question.He took my hand and lead me through the step into realtime
kate

(in reply to Darkvamp1978)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Question about mentors - 7/8/2010 8:42:40 AM   
sir1969


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/19/2008
Status: offline 		Speaking of driving to various events, anyone going to In The Woods 2010 north of Seattle?  Looks like a great event.  We've never gone but may do so this summer.  Only two weeks away!  I just discovered it - better get on the ball, eh?  

http://itw2009.triskeli.org/home.php


< Message edited by sir1969 -- 7/8/2010 8:49:59 AM >

(in reply to kateindenver)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Question about mentors Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094