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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 12:46:26 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		For me, 'kinky sex' is where I get beaten before/during penetration.

Vanilla sex occurs when there is no pain play

I don't need the D/s dynamic to make my sex kinky, but I do need the S&M.

But again, that's IMHO

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 2:08:00 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I don't know that I ever call it "vanilla sex" when I'm in a dynamic. We may not engage in bdsm, but I still am what I am with regard to role in relation to that partner.

I hate the term "vanilla" though.

In the end I don't think it matters either way



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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 3:04:26 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		most of the vanilla men ive had relationships with were kinky to some degree but there was no Ds and its the Ds that makes sex so much better.  it doesnt have to be anything other than sex, there doesnt have to be kink in there at all, but the dynamic going on where he is my D and im his sub just makes it so much more enjoyable. 

so for me vanilla sex lacks the Ds component and that just doesnt do it for me.

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 3:33:36 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I have no idea what people mean by vanilla sex. I've never been able to figure that out in all the years I've heard the term.

I've heard people say missionary is vanilla sex but for me what could be more d/s than having a man on top of a woman as he's putting all his weight over you, thrusting his dominance over you, getting in your face and holding you down?

Maybe I've never had "vanilla" sex. I dunno really. I mean I've always been with men who are dominant in personality even if they had never heard of bdsm and every man i've ever had sex with had some kind of kink of some kind or another.

I've always felt that when people talk about vanilla what they mean is their past relationship was boring for them, just didn't light their fire and passion and just wasn't exciting enough for them so they use the term as a derogatory way to describe it.

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 4:33:00 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		It always seemed to me to be some sort of a put down to people who do not engage in domination and submission.  I like sex.  I like BDSM.  Nilla sex is not stupid old boring missionary style.. which BTW... even if it was that seems HOT as hell to me, being face to face, sweat dripping off your body, pinned down and penetrated.. mmmmm.  Beats me why anyone would not want that!  Vanilla sex might be oral, heck maybe even anal; I know many non kinky people that enjoy that. Or, it might be shoved up against the wall with legs wrapped around,... Nilla? Woooooooooooyeah!

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 4:37:55 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Vanilla sex to me is sex with someone without a power relationship.  And for me that is less than satisfying. In fact , if there was a choice, i'd rather read a book.
In a power relationship, we could be having missionary sex and it is still kinky as hell to me.

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 7:54:44 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I define it as without any kink and no overt dominance. He has the right to tell me what to do all the time but that doesn't mean he chooses to exercise it. So if he isn't saying "on your knees little girl" and I'm not being tied up or spanked or anything else, but we just turn to each other in bed, start kissing and mutually satisfying sex develops from there, that's vanilla imo.

It's wonderful as is but it's better if there's some spanking or bondage is involved. Just like a premium vanilla ice cream is wonderful, but even better with hot fudge.

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 8:16:31 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		Ever see The Secretary? Vanilla sex is what she has with her boyfriend in that movie. He's geeky, overly gentle, boring, and so anxious to please her that she gets aggravated by it. You can see by the look on her face that she's just thinking "please let this be over...please let this be over", although she's trying hard not to let it show. That's vanilla.

pam

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 8:24:44 PM   
takemeforyourown


Posts: 430
Joined: 2/24/2007
Status: offline 		My first Dom said that he would use the nipple torture test to tell if a partner was potentially kinky or not. If he bit into her nips and she whined, "too hard!" he knew it was going to be an average (vanilla) lay. If she arched her back and moaned, he knew that the party was on.

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 8:32:45 PM   
Tantriqu


Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline 		I do the same! If a guy loves having his nipples twisted or ass strummed, party on. If he doesn't, average to below average lay.

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 8:35:59 PM   
BonesFromAsh


Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline 		~fast reply~

I guess I should have worded this a bit differently given that I understand what "vanilla" sex is and isn't...according to what most folks are saying here...I've had it and plan on having more, regardless of the flavor.
What I was really trying to get at (and obviously without the benefit of enough caffeine this morning) was posted here http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3300220 .

I happen to dislike the use of the word vanilla to describe something that, to me, just is.  That's what I meant in my op about sex being sex...mainstream/normal/"vanilla" or otherwise.  I'm curious why some people feel the need to make a distinction.  I noticed again tonight while reading through some of the different profiles on the other side how "vanilla" was used in a negative way....almost as a putdown...sometimes. 

No worries, though.  My fault for not being clear enough to start with in conveying my thoughts.

I appreaciate the responses so far from everyone.

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 8:43:09 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		That's kind of the thing, BFA.  I don't consider the sex that I have with My husband (which I describe as the vanilla kind) boring or unexciting at all.  Good heavens!  If you can't have great sex with the person you're in love with, there's a problem in there somewhere.  LOL.

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 8:48:07 PM   
ForgetMeKnots


Posts: 95
Joined: 6/14/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Nilla=sex w/o a power dynamic..which, if one wants to get philosophical about the concept, may be damn near impossible.


quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

Vanilla sex to me is sex with someone without a power relationship.  And for me that is less than satisfying. In fact , if there was a choice, i'd rather read a book.
In a power relationship, we could be having missionary sex and it is still kinky as hell to me.


Agreed on both counts. 

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 8:51:28 PM   
BonesFromAsh


Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

That's kind of the thing, BFA.  I don't consider the sex that I have with My husband (which I describe as the vanilla kind) boring or unexciting at all.  Good heavens!  If you can't have great sex with the person you're in love with, there's a problem in there somewhere.  LOL.


Agreed. 

Guilty of over-thinking where there was no need to. 

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 9:16:02 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Have we ever fucked?



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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/7/2010 11:01:53 PM   
AlexandraLynch


Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		Vanilla sex is when he is stealth topping me and I am worried that I'll bother him if I bite or scratch beyond once when I come.

If he lies there and whimpers and begs while I'm biting him, that's not vanilla sex. He may be vanilla. Or think he is. But that's not vanilla sex.


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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/8/2010 3:11:23 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hello (Bonehead?  Bones - as in Dr. McCoy?  Ashley?  Bachelor of Fine Arts?  Chica?),
Smarter people than me would come up with an answer for you taht would make sense.  The only thing that makes sense to me is saying that it's all a continuum.  The line to differentiate the two is different for each person.

I dare say that the line can change for each person depending on a number of factors as well. 

For me, the difference has something to do with two factors - desire that engages my mind and senses in a "what will happen next" kind of way... something to do with anticipation and who is in control.  I'm not sure why those are the factors, and they might not be what'd I say if I answer this in ten minutes, but right now that's how it is for me.  Come to think of it, the anticipation may just be a subset of the not being in control.

Well heck.  I'm a have to think some more.

best,
sunshine


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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/8/2010 4:28:58 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivemale22

has anyone put forth a definition that didnt encompass sex with someone not interested in d/s?


Err... Yes

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
By that definition people could be thrashing the living daylights out of each other and it still be considered vanilla, if it was egalitarian kinky-I'm not sure I buy this. 'Not into powerplay' does not necessarily equal 'vanilla'.


Here's two reasons why your definition is so shit...

1) People who are interested in d/s, even passionate about it can have nilla sex.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
Master and I refer to  vanilla sex as those times when we're not actively including the power dynamic into our sex or engaging in kink. We actually do it quite a bit, because regardless of everything else, we really enjoy each other.


2) People who are interested in S/M but not D/S would be having sex that would definitely not be "nilla"


FFS.

To the OP...

Nilla sex, for me, is very simply, sex without any kinkiness (no ropes, spanking, latex knickers, chickens etc etc).

Personally, I include oral sex in nilla, but not anal sex (that isn't to say I think anal is way out there kinky, but personally I think it has just enough taboo about it to still be a little "outre".


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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/8/2010 9:02:20 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml
Nilla sex, for me, is very simply, sex without any kinkiness (no ropes, spanking, latex knickers, chickens etc etc).

Personally, I include oral sex in nilla, but not anal sex (that isn't to say I think anal is way out there kinky, but personally I think it has just enough taboo about it to still be a little "outre".

*laughs* "simple"... I like that Crazy. It kind of ties in with what I almost wrote... "sans whips & chains". I hadn't thought about chickens but yeah, that be "kinky" in my book also.

You bring up an interesting point though on the anal. So Carol is what I referred to as "fully wired"... eg she enjoys the hell out of anal, oral and vaginal. Not surprisingly, therefor, we've been doing anal for along time and I never really thought of it as kinky. And that gets back to the same thing... what's "vanilla sex". I'm reminded of a quote I really like, "He's perverted. You're kinky. I'm sexually sophisticated." I've jokingly said before "Kinky" is all the stuff I don't do.

In the end, if you go with the "vanilla = bland and boring" line, then it seems to me that if you've somehow managed to turn sex into something which is bland and boring, you're doing something wrong.

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RE: "Vanilla Sex"....huh? - 7/8/2010 9:09:25 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

I see those words posted all over CM...."vanilla sex".  What is it?  What makes sex "vanilla" for you?  For the folks that say they can't/won't do "vanilla" sex...what's missing?  Does "vanilla" mean no kink or power play?  To what degree? 


Since this thread is sparked by your desire to understand what those posting this term mean by it, I think you would be well served to ask the person who said "they won't have vanilla sex" as to what they mean by it...


I read profiles all of the time when people say they want a TPE slave, or whatever... as if that tells people what they want, it doesn't, you have to ask each individual what they mean by what they say...

Depending on the context it could mean various things to me depending on whom I was communicating with

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Profile   Post #: 60
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