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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/9/2010 1:39:38 PM   
citizen912


Posts: 10
Joined: 4/22/2009
Status: offline 		I happily accept disagreement and well made points such as yours porcelaine. I am just dissappointed at the vitriolic tone of some is what I was saying. I had hoped perhaps a question or two rather than assumption might have been the order of the day. Never mind, the situation is a moot point and the decision I had pretty much already made was validated by my peers in some ways. Long live free speech and open minds. 

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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/9/2010 1:58:18 PM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		grins... for the curious are we allowed to know the decision you made?

I wish you the best in the future, finding someone compatible is never a quick process


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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/9/2010 2:08:44 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

As it happens the situation has now been resolved and dissolved and therefore will not be arising in future.


That was fast!

That's funny, in your second post you said something to the effect of
quote:

Most people seem to want to rush a relationship and have everything right away. I am upfront and open about the situation because I know the "phasing out" will be a slow process and will happen the closer I get to the real life person


Now it is over, resolved, doners..gone?

Some of us have been reading questions (of various forms, even similar) for a longgg time and can tell the difference between the 'then' and the 'now'. 

What has happened is you didn't get the answers you assumed you might and are now backpaddlin' to pretend it wasn't a problem to begin with.  Doubtful you cleared it all up within the past few hours to rid of married woman 1, in choice of relationship option 2.  If so, there would be no need for a struggling of emotions in this 'weening off process'. 

This reminds me of that line in My Cousin Vinny: "Are you trying to tell me that grits on your stovetop cook faster than on any other average American's stovetop?"

If so,....

k, no more beating the dead horse, the grits are cooked.






< Message edited by came4U -- 7/9/2010 2:12:32 PM >

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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/9/2010 2:18:22 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

People are very keen to judge a situation whereon they have merely some of the facts


Citizen,

You asked for advice. You're the one in control of the "facts". If you neglect to paint a complete picture it's your fault.

Evidently, taking responsibility for your actions is a hardship. An online, married, self-spanker is probably a sufficient partner for you.

January

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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/9/2010 2:35:30 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
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From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Are you unreasonable?    Nope.

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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/9/2010 2:43:25 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: citizen912

I happily accept disagreement and well made points such as yours porcelaine. I am just dissappointed at the vitriolic tone of some is what I was saying. I had hoped perhaps a question or two rather than assumption might have been the order of the day. Never mind, the situation is a moot point and the decision I had pretty much already made was validated by my peers in some ways. Long live free speech and open minds.


citizen912,

While I appreciate the compliment, the candor expressed is merely mine. Perhaps it aligns well with your own or your preferences demeanor wise. But it doesn't mean that the responses weren't sincere in their own right. Our articulation differs because we're individuals at heart. There's also an aspect of inference that cannot be dismissed. A response may read in a certain light but your interpretation could be ill conceived. Sometimes things aren't as they appear. Overall I found the tone moderate on this thread. I've witnessed more animation here and elsewhere. I wouldn't let it bother me.

~porcelaine


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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/9/2010 2:57:52 PM   
fragilepieces


Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: citizen912

Ok, well here is the thing. I am involved in an online only relationship with a sub who is married and lives on a different continent. We are not planning to meet and there is very infrequent sexual activity of any sort. In many ways she is more of a very close friend who occasionally needs some rules and some remote discipline (self spanking etc). This is a very nice situation to have and very comfortable. The problem is that it is of itself not wholly fulfilling to me and I need a real life submissive who is able to appreciate that once or twice a week I might like to spend some time with my friend. IS this wholly implausible or are some subs actually capable of accepting this? 

I'm actually sort of surprized at the responses so far--but I'll toss in my two cents. Just an FYI---I now (over a year) consider myself vanilla but---I was active in D/s nearly a score.

If I were to meet someone who was friends another person as he described, I would not necessarily count him out---the married thing (on her end bothers me a little) however, honestly if she is married and he is cool with it---that really is not my business. If he were married and wanted something more real time long term with me---then yeah.

Bottom line, I have in the past met others who had play partners and for whatever reason those play partners were not going to at any time become long term live in partners. After the intial meet I would not expect a potential partner to just dump others. The getting to know you phase imo takes TIME---lots of it and as a potential partner and I got to know each other more than likely as he got to know me he'd be spending more time with me and less time with the other(s) and as he said slowly weaning them.

Perhaps it's just me but I have never required either a kink partner nor a vanilla partner to dump anyone simply because I was on the scene. And I would expect the same in return. I DO talk to nearly everyone one of my ex's and two formers Dom's, not daily not weekly not even monthly but I do still keep in contact. One of my formers used to come and spend a couple weeks in the summer and we'd chill, have BBQ's and watch movies. I consider him family! I personally would shun anyone who insisted that I could not keep in contact with friends.

I look at things this way---if there is honesty in the beginning THAT is the beginning of a good foundation. Insecurity over the fact that he chats online to someone he has no intention to ever meet will destroy that foundation before it can even be built.

In answer to the op===it is NOT implausible. Are there some subs capable---lol I am not sure---I don't consider myself one.


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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/9/2010 6:43:46 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Because we didn't tell you that all these women who said thanks but no thanks were being unreasonable, suddenly we're all vitriolic. None of us were attacking you. We were blunt in telling you why we wouldn't be interested. Since nobody jumped in to say that she pines to play second fiddle to a cyber relationship, you might want to think about that.

Or just keep whining about how horrible we all are while wondering why you can't get a date.


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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/9/2010 7:01:58 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine
Aside from someone that is clearly wired for poly, why would anyone settle for such when she can have her cake and ice cream with another gentleman without little miss virtual in the picture?


Maybe she would do so if she found the gentleman in question so extraordinary and right for her that cake and icecream with any other man would taste, in comparison, like eating rocks? I would make that sort of choice, because I very rarely meet someobody who has what I need, and my priorities are, "If they have that, whatever else they come with is trivial." I don't feel wired for poly or seek out poly, I just don't see it as particularly offputting in the grand scheme of things. I guess that makes me "flexible?" Well, selectively flexible anyway. ;)

< Message edited by CaringandReal -- 7/9/2010 7:02:57 PM >

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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/9/2010 8:02:43 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine
Aside from someone that is clearly wired for poly, why would anyone settle for such when she can have her cake and ice cream with another gentleman without little miss virtual in the picture?


Maybe she would do so if she found the gentleman in question so extraordinary and right for her that cake and icecream with any other man would taste, in comparison, like eating rocks? I would make that sort of choice, because I very rarely meet someobody who has what I need, and my priorities are, "If they have that, whatever else they come with is trivial." I don't feel wired for poly or seek out poly, I just don't see it as particularly offputting in the grand scheme of things. I guess that makes me "flexible?" Well, selectively flexible anyway. ;)


CaringandReal,

Oh darn, you would go and make a rational argument. Sheesh! Okay, if we're talking about someone that's clearly my complement in every sense of the word, could I bend? Of course. Do I advertise that? Absolutely not. Because in the grand scheme of things that isn't what I'm looking for. However, I recognize that he may arrive in a guise I didn't expect. I would really like to be greedy and have this my way! We both know that surely isn't happening once I've agreed to be his. And since I'm clearly looking in a minuscule pumpkin patch, it is possible allowances may be necessary to have what I seek. But let me have my fantasy. ~sniffles and winks~

~porcelaine


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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/9/2010 9:52:10 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: citizen912

I happily accept disagreement and well made points such as yours porcelaine. I am just dissappointed at the vitriolic tone of some is what I was saying. I had hoped perhaps a question or two rather than assumption might have been the order of the day. Never mind, the situation is a moot point and the decision I had pretty much already made was validated by my peers in some ways. Long live free speech and open minds. 


I did ask a question, a pertinent one, one you decided to ignore. I gave advice based on the limited information you provided. But even if you had answered my question, the advice would have been the same.

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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/10/2010 1:24:05 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: citizen912
The problem is that it is of itself not wholly fulfilling to me and I need a real life submissive who is able to appreciate that once or twice a week I might like to spend some time with my friend. IS this wholly implausible or are some subs actually capable of accepting this?

It all depends on how the submissives are wired. Are they okay w/ poly? And i mean both of them. The most important thing is to be honest with everyone concerned because, if You're not, it will come back to bite You in the ass and You could end up all alone. In my opinion, Miss Virtual is using You as a little extra on the side, but that's just my take on it. i could be wrong.....

~sweetsub~

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/10/2010 2:39:15 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Yes miss Virtual might well be using citizen as a lilbit on the side, and he might just use her as a nice pick me up fantasy every so often... nothing wrong with that

as for the new real person in citizen's life.... is there any reason why you have to be so upfront about things that you have to inform them about this arrangement like immediately?

sometimes honesty is just a bit turn off ... don't tell new people too much too soon... patience is a good policy i think

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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/10/2010 2:45:51 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		A lie by omission is sill a lie.

< Message edited by tazzygirl -- 7/10/2010 2:46:32 AM >

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Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/10/2010 5:26:46 AM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: citizen912
IS this wholly implausible or are some subs actually capable of accepting this?

Yes, there are subs who can deal with it. Some of them are naturally poly so no big deal. Some are just flexible. Some are submissive in that area. You may or may not find better luck looking in the slave category where total surrender is marginally more common. That would assume, of course, that you actually wanted the responsibility of owning a slave.

Despite the various criticisms of you on this thread, I don't see anything wrong here. Just be honest with everyone right from the get go.


I agree with Jeff, as long as you are being honest with everyone concerned I see nothing wrong here. One is/will be a full r/t relationship the other fulfilling the needs of someone you will never meet. It would be different if the two weren't aware of each other but it appears they are but from your posts it appears they are.

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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/10/2010 6:37:12 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline
quote:

I didn't have to ask this question, I thought the answers might provoke a balanced view. It would seem I am wrong in that. People are very keen to judge a situation whereon they have merely some of the facts it would seem.
this is so typical.

You do not get the answers you hoped for, so you criticize the responders for answering based on just "some of the facts".

The responses were based on the facts YOU provided. Deal, dude.


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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/10/2010 7:28:31 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Yes. The answer is yes. Every. Single. Time. someone comes on these boards and asks if they're being unreasonable, the answer is yes. (well, 99/100)

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/10/2010 10:28:56 AM   
citizen912


Posts: 10
Joined: 4/22/2009
Status: offline 		@wandersalone - yes, the decision was to shed ties with my online situation. Once decided it is better to go with these things than to drag them out.

@tazzygirl - my apologies I read that my answers did not need to be discussed on this board as those were your actual words.

@sirsholly - I never posted this question with the idea that I knew the answer. It was the reason I asked it. Responses of the rather acidic nature were rather a surprise. I can only assume this has been a situation you have been involved with or you are in fact a card carrying man hater. Either way, you are free to be who you are and I respect that.

@ the rest - thank you for your input both positive and negative. The consensus has given me the answer I needed to tip the balance. I have now what you might call a clean slate though it is hard to cut off someone who has meant something to you. Some may be heartless enough to say so what it's online, others perhaps might understand that telephone and online communication can lead to close friendships and bonds.

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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/10/2010 11:50:04 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

I can only assume this has been a situation you have been involved with or you are in fact a card carrying man hater.


oh boy.  How many saw this comin'? *puts hands up O OO OOOh Mr. Kotttahhhh

This is when a guy says...."boy, you've been hurt , someone did a number on you because .....bla bla bla., you must hate men because....yadda yadda"

This is as predictable as the sun rising. 


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RE: Am I unreasonable? - 7/10/2010 1:15:17 PM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline
quote:

others perhaps might understand that telephone and online communication can lead to close friendships and bonds.


That's why I posted what I did. I've developed incredibly close friendships online including a man I met on another site, with whom I had a very close friendship til he decided to disappear completely, leaving all friends behind.

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The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

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