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jujubeeMB -> Power and Stupidity (7/19/2010 11:13:53 AM)
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Ok, prepare yourselves for this one, because I do not know up from down or left from right here. Also, it's long, so I'll tell you in advance that it's a "what do you think I should do/is this a normal D/s experience" question, and if you're not in the mood for that, don't bother reading it all. I really am sorry for the length [:)]
So recently (as some of you know) I ended a decently long relationship with my Dom due to a bunch of different factors. Some of the main ones were incompatibility in D/s desires (my insistence on being not submissive most of the hours of the day while he wanted me to be much more constantly malleable, his desire to have someone who craved being slutty to the nth degree while I preferred to be more told what to do than constantly desperate for cock), the aftercare fiasco, and most importantly, his inability to open up and show me any affection or vulnerability as a boyfriend. I wouldn't post these details on the message boards like this except I know he's not going to read it, and it pertains to the situation I'm in now.
So after I ended the relationship, we had an incredible, moving conversation where he finally opened up to me and apologized for how hard that was to do for him, and that he knew he had messed things up and had watched himself doing it and had two voices going on in his head telling him "do NOT give in and do what she says" (how his crazy Dom nature dealt with me begging for affection) and "what the hell is wrong with you? Just open up to her. She's slipping away and hurting and angry with you." He apologized just about every way a person can, and said that while he respected my decision to end it, he was going to try to get me back by doing everything in his power to show me he could do all the things I had been asking him to do - and he hadn't done - before. I told him I thought we should both move on, and that my decision was solid, but he kept up a steady contact with me via text and IM and email, just being incredibly kind and affectionate and loving and sometimes hinting at hotness etc. Once or twice I caved and called him and we had a very intense phone exchange that led to our dynamic, but I remained completely firm.
A few days ago, he started being a tiny bit of a jerk in his interactions with me, and said a few things that he knows upset me. I started to get angry that his whole plan to revolutionize his whole approach to me had lasted about two weeks, and planned to tell him we couldn't speak, period. Yesterday, I got online to find him and tell him that, but instead we wound up having a conversation about several things that turn me on enormously. One of those things is being "kidnapped" and drugged and fucked while I'm completely unable to do anything, and for god only knows what reason, I told him that he could do that to me anytime he wants - that he had my consent to literally grab me off the street, even if I was never involved with him again. I made it a one time condition, and I told him he had to respect every one the things he knows about me sexually and psychologically, but what the heck was I thinking??!
Once I'd said it, he made me repeat it over and over and the edge in his voice that gets me in the darkest recesses of my submissive soul got harder and harder. He started doing the psychological manipulation thing he does that is a lot like sadism for the mind, working me harder and harder until I was writhing in it. Finally, he pointed out that I had just offered myself up to someone I was furious with and had broken up with, and how much power and control I was giving him, since I had consented to basically him grabbing me and using me whenever he wanted to. His telling me what I was doing - and how unbelievably dominant he sounded - shot me down into a place that I have never been. I couldn't talk, I couldn't move, I could barely hold the phone - all I could do was feel how helpless I was. I've been close to that before, but never that deep. And though a voice in the back of my mind was saying to me "this is so wrong" I didn't ever want to come up - it was intoxicating.
So here's the question part of the program. What the hell would you do if you were me? And not to sound naive as hell, but is this what it feels like to truly feel like someone has total power and control over you? I don't feel so much like I submitted - even though I did - as I feel like I was just taken. I still don't want to get back together with him, but I don't even know how to function today without wanting to be under him serving him. I feel like I'm so self-possessed and smart and happy and complicated in my life, but right now all I can think about is how bad I want to submit, in spite of the fact that I feel that I made absolutely the right decision breaking up with him. Is that just because I'm so submissive and he drew it out of me so well and I need to pull myself free and find someone who can give that to me and give me the things I need, or did I make a mistake breaking up with him, and he's the man I'm supposed to be submitting to?
Anyone who gets through all of that deserves a medal. I adore you guys here and you're so smart - please let me know what you think.
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