CallaFirestormBW
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Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lally2
ive read how people insist on meeting up asap - ive never really agreed with that, but never said it so much. the intensity of cyber and listening on the phone to how people speak, listen to you tells you a whole lot more about a person than some people give credit.
I have to say that I have a completely different perspective on this. My experience is that people can be ANYTHING on the phone or on the internet -- it isn't until you have them in person, under your direct gaze, and ask the hard questions face-to-face and see how they respond and what they evade that you know who and what you're dealing with.. and even then, it's a crap-shoot.. but not so much of a crap-shoot, to me, as going by the fantasy that people create of themselves through virtual mediums.
I won't spend weeks or months corresponding and phoning with someone before I meet them. They'd better be able to stand up to my scrutiny FtF, or there's absolutely no way that I'll consider even a -casual- scene with them, much less letting them know where I live.
In response to the OP, though, this is a tough one. Not just from the scening perspective, but from the perspective of any kind of one-on-one encounter. There is -always- a risk, and even when you've been with that person for an extended period, that they can -still- fool you (especially if they've spent most of their lives hiding what they are even from themselves!!!).
If physical safety is an issue, I consider it in the same perspective that I consider a mugging or a rape. You do whatever you have to do to stay alive until you can get away -- and then, once you can get away, you run as fast as you can, as far as you can, get to someplace VERY public, and call the cops.
If mental/emotional safety is an issue, I cut off contact, and get myself some -help-. I gather a support group of people who can help remind me why I'm going to survive this, and, if I need to (or if a large percentage of the people I've gathered as a support group think I need to -- because I'm really independent, and sometimes I'll shy off of getting help when I really -do- need it), I get professional help to sort out my head and erase the tapes that keep me in a 'victim' mindset... and above all else, I remind myself -every single time- that I see my own reflection (out loud, at first, and then silently in my own head once I know I've gotten the message) that I am -not- a victim, and do NOT deserve to be treated with disrespect, discourtesy, or as something less than human.
If other things are an issue, sometimes, the only thing you can do is clean up the mess, because it's too tangled up to extract yourself. In my case, it was one of the servants who had managed to fool us through THREE YEARS of association, to the point of becoming a full member of the House. Two months later, this person left the house after claiming (after three years with us) that this really wasn't what xhe wanted any more. I could understand that, having made the transition from service to keeping myself, and didn't think anything of it. We, in the House, thought it was going to be yet another peaceful ending like we prefer, but it turns out that this was to be one of the two really bad endings our household has been through since I've been with them. This servant and hir outside companion (whom we knew about and actually encouraged hir to maintain hir relationship with) stripped our household accounts BARE within 48 hours of leaving the House, over a weekend, when we couldn't get into the bank to change access. We thought we were invulnerable because of the length of vetting time we spent before letting people deep into our organization, but we were -wrong-. Now, nobody gets access to those accounts but the Head of House (or the head of the sub-houses). Sub-accounts are created with card access, to handle specific expenses, and funds are transferred into them for immediate need only, and the sub-accounts are terminated any time someone leaves the house within 5 minutes of them stepping out the door, using corporate-type account concierge services, and backup accounts are activated so existing members aren't cut off for longer than about a day (but we accept that we may be cut off from funds for a day, to assure this greater measure of security).
My heartfelt thoughts go out to those who couldn't get away safely. It happens, and it's not always the fault of the individual for not being careful enough. Most domestic assaults are -not- from strangers or near-strangers -- they're done by perps who knew the person, sometimes for -years- as a friend/lover/etc. It happens to those of us who top, as well as to those of us who bottom.
Calla
< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 7/23/2010 10:38:31 AM >
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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"
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