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CaringandReal -> RE: Fuck, fuck, fuck.. what have I done? (7/20/2010 5:53:42 AM)
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This is an interesting issue. I'll address myself to the "some of the time" aspect. I think it is a rare occurrence in the first place and also, it tends to happen when you are very inexperiienced and move far too quickly. I think the vanilla woman doing a casual pickup at a bar might be more at risk, because she knows even less about the individual than an extended chat/online correspondence will give and because her judgement may be occluded by booze. In the majority of situations where you move too quickly, you will be Ok, because the majority of people are not disturbed enough to seriously hurt you. But they will hurt you some (unsually emotionally) and when that happens you are given the opportunity to learn to go slow. Some people get the hint right away, but I think most of us need several iterations of this before we become clued in to the importance of giving something time.
As for this happening to someone with a lot of experience (or a "jaded old bird"--as you put it--lol), well, it needs a lot of conditions to be just right for it to occur.
(1) You need a smooth operator, capable of and desiring to do major trickery for nefarious purposes. These people are really not that common.
(2) The person being fooled needs a vulnerability, a chink into which the fooler can get his hooks. While most individuals have such chinks, it's very hard to spot them in the limited, "directed in one direction" conversations we tend to have when getting to know a bdsm partner. Yes, good dominants are better at this spotting than most, but I think the ones who do this very well, are capable of suspending their egos and getting totally interested in/immersed in the submissive's reality. Empaths, in other words. Just how many psychopathic empaths have you met? They exist, but they are extremely rare. Most, I would think, would have considerably too much ego to understand a person so thoroughly that they quickly discovered their vulunerabilities--instead they settle on blinding someone with charm, attention, and flattery, and that technique works best on the inexperienced or self-dishonest personalities. The empath thing really does interfre with the psychopath thing: they are, in most people, opposing inclinations. But anyway, for spotting of vulnerabilities to occur quickly, you should range your conversation over a very broad spectrum of topics, almost randomly, as eventually, something you say, is going to hook them. That technique for discovering the chinks in someone's emotional armor takes considerable time. It is particularly hard to do online, where you are basically blind to feedback: you can't see the involuntary reactions to what you say, the momentary expressions, the slight muscle twiches or other body language. One exception to this "difficult to find chinks" rule: some people are not very bright amd sometimes remain naive, and with the ease of internet connections, many of them are online. These people make easy, if not particularly challenging targets. You don't exactly fall into that area, I'm afraid.
(3) Time is what the experienced tend to excel at: we're good at noticing problems or discrepancies over a period of time, and we usually insist that some time be taken before we are taken, so that if problems with the other person exist but are not immediately apparent, they will have time to emerge before an irrevokable decision or commitment is made. It's very hard to keep up a consistent act during frequent contact over long periods of time. I imagine the typical sybmissive who is sensitive to others would discover the predator's chinks long before he discovered hers, unless he accidentally stumbled upon a vulnerability right at the start. And it would have to be a very strong vulnerability for a person to exchange what they know about life and "how things work" for a flim-flam.
(4) Motive. The inexperienced are weak, easy targets. So why should a predator go to all the work of seducing someone who is much more careful and difficult to fool into a nightmare? Challenge? Perhaps, but seldom does someone pick out a random target, just for challenge's sake. To become a target you need to offer something attractive: overweening pride and arrogance that would make such cute sounds when stomped into the dust, perhaps? Or some other behavior, like hostility toward men, that pushes the predator's specific buttons. One motive might be money, but if you never talk about finances or if, when you do, if you are careful to talk about troubles alongside the finances, you are not going to make a particularly juicy target in that regard. Appearance is usually not a motive. It's sad to say, but, except for a handful of golden years, usually in the 30s or early 40s, when wisdom and attraction are almost perfectly balanced, most people who are wise enough to know better no longer need to worry about situations in which they must put that particular wisdom to use. There are people who are born wise, of course, but that's kind of off the subject. Now, there are these situations that crop up sometimes, usually online, where there is a powerful attraction between the two spirits. In those situations, there may be predatory motive, but there is also often an opposing motive: to please the other person, their friend whom they admire and whose contact, advise, etc. is so useful and enjoyable. If there was pure predatory motive, I suspect that someone old enough to know better would spot it long before it became an issue. There is only so much hollow, insincere flattery one can stomach, after all, without vomiting.
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