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RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/20/2010 9:59:30 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

I would suggest you get some help and urge you to see your doctor to see a therapist

I would echo this, seek therapy, if you feel traumatized by this it could lead to PTSD. I have suffered from this, and I can tell you that the sooner you seek help the less likely you will develop this condition...

No one can tell another person what they are feeling is wrong, for some reason your session sounds like it was traumatic to you....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 21

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/20/2010 1:29:42 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

OP, I am sorry that you are feeling this way. This very kind of fallout is why some folks won't engage in humiliation kink with someone that we aren't that familiar with. We don't know how they are going to react after the play is over. It isn't quite the same as engaging in S/m, where a person can literally see on your body and by your reactions whether you can take more or not. If somebody's skin is opened and they bleed during play, we can see that. If something is causing you mental anguish after the scene is over, we may not necessarily see that.

So far, I haven't seen you mention that you have talked with the Domme again since you played with her. Is there a reason for that? Many Dominants who do play with humiliation make sure to follow up with you to make sure it isn't adversely affecting your life. She may have done so, but I didn't see it in the comments.

Please do take the very good suggestions about a journal for yourself and do see a counselor if you feel that is what you need to do. Not because you did anything wrong or because kink is sick. The idea is for you to feel better again.

One little side note. Where I'm from, it's bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 22

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/20/2010 2:01:20 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

Oh, choices. Low road or high road. Let's go low.

As I read this, I consider Lady Macbeth. 'The lady doth protest too much.' I could be very wrong, but it sounds to me as if you probably enjoyed yourself in ways you're uncomfortable with, and it is consuming you. I also think there are other external forces, fundamental ones, that we are not explicitly reading.

I remember the first time I went into an adult bookstore. 1984 or so. The windows were boarded up so nobody could see in. You know you want to go in, but you have no idea what or who you'll find and it makes you nervous. I probably was a little scared, but I knew I had to see what it was all about. (If I have my year right, I would have been 23. Late bloomer.) Eventually I go in, and the other people in there make me feel a little creepy just by being there; it's not like I had 100% privacy. So I'm inundated with porn, and I find it all pretty uninteresting until I found the Bondage section and now I'm all excited and now it seems that the half-dozen or so people in the store don't exist any more it's all about me.

Fast forward an hour or so. I'm back in my car, in a city that isn't where I live (they didn't have bookstores in the conservative city I lived, so I always did it while traveling). I know I can't talk about any of this with my business associates, nor my family when I return home, nor what friends I had at the time. I don't know what they're into, so no sense in sharing what I've found I'm into.

Now, does society view my actions as 'wrong'? Maybe. But I keep my interests to myself. I don't offend others with my choices. I've gotten over the giddiness and newness of it all, but it's not like I feel like a criminal.

I'm not a religious person per se, and I strongly wonder whether you are based on the ferventness of your comments, but I don't know that one should think they have offended God. Maybe you do.

I also consider whether you received enough attention after the fact. If the woman whom you saw was humiliating you 'in the scene', I think she should have calmed you afterwards once you were out of the scene. Part of her responsibilities. That could be part of your dilemna.

So, in short, do you truly feel like you did wrong? Did you really like it but feel you couldn't trust another to allow it to happen again? Is it that you think you've sinned?

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to submale25uk2007)

Post #: 23

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/20/2010 2:36:12 PM

submale25uk2007

Posts: 11
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline

i do feel ive done wrong, like ive let myself down in some way defiently, if some people feel its for them thats great but i dont at all, i think it was just a way of blocking out other things in my life that i should have sorted out instead of taking this option if im being honest, ive spoke to a counsellor today online so hooepfully i can move on from there, i mean ive heard for example people getting ptsd after being beaten up in the street, that wouldnt bother me personally all that much but this defiently does, i guess everyone is just wired a bit differently, but im not finding it easy to get over, just hope it doesnt stay with me forever

(in reply to mstrjx)

Post #: 24

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/20/2010 2:37:55 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

It's quite possible that what attracted you to bdsm in the first place is the culprit and not the actual event. Do you have past trauma? I'm guessing we're really not going to be able to answer this for you but it does seem that something is going on here that isn't just one isolated sexual occurance.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to submale25uk2007)

Post #: 25

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/20/2010 2:53:02 PM

HisSub1213

Posts: 219
Joined: 11/3/2008
Status: offline

~FR~

quote:

its frowned upon by most people and i think theres a reason for that,

I don't think as many people "frown" on it as you might think. I seem to recall a recent study (I don't have the link to it anymore sadly) that said up to 84% of the couples surveyed practiced some form of BDSM, i.e. tying their partner to the bed, blindfolds, spanking, etc.

Its a shame that you have these feelings, but you are getting some really good advice here. I wish you luck in sorting this out.

_____________________________

HisSub1213

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. (Elbert Hubbard)

Fear is the mother of morality. (Friedrich Nietzsche)

(in reply to submale25uk2007)

Post #: 26

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/20/2010 6:30:37 PM

aphotic

Posts: 119
Joined: 5/17/2009
Status: offline

OP--are you or were you formally a religious man? I don't know why you'd feel shame or guilt other than if the activity was meant to give a lapse of said feelings. I guess what I'm saying is that you can feel accountable later if you are religious?

It was an experience, and even if not a good one, it's still useful to living. Not all things are going to be great experiences, but now you know in the future not to subject yourself to such treatments. That's a plus! Don't beat yourself up over it. I had a 5 year marriage thing, and I'm not even close to proud to everything we tried--both sexually and not--but that was yesterday, not today. Cheer up! There are new opportunities to lead astray today!

(in reply to HisSub1213)

Post #: 27

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/20/2010 9:07:32 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submale25uk2007

I tried it recently for the first time, it was a few weeks ago and to be honest ive felt a mess ever since. The 'domme' was okay, but i just feel its wrong really and i wont be doing it again.

However, i feel emotionally damaged by it, like ive been abused almost and all my confidence/sense of humour seems to have drained out of me because of it, i doint feel half the man i did before i tried it, ive had a look on the net for some advice about it but i cant find any really, just wondered if anyone on here can give me some advice?

thanks

Quit blaming BDSM. You made the choice to participate. No one forced you to. Ypou are responsible for your screw-ups no one else. Others would have taken you at face value according to what you told them. Ergo you are at fault and you alone are to blaim. Now yopu have learned so leasons so just understand them and think ere you venture forth into uncharted waters and next time watch, look, listen and learn first. Am I too rough on you? No! I am just tired of hearing the winging of people who find they can't handle something and yet refuse to accept the blaim for their own stupidity.

Disclaimer: I have not read other posts so I others have said the same then ...Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maximus culpa..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to submale25uk2007)

Post #: 28

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/20/2010 9:23:14 PM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

I gather from what he said and what others said that humiliation was a big trigger. We dont know how he may have been humiliated in the past, and this experience may have been a kind of re-traumatization. (Maybe I am reading too much into this). But, the bottom line for me when I read his posts was that he feels disrespected in a very profound way, and cannot reconcile the person he is in his daily life with the person he became with the Domme.

Pardon MY ignorance, but..do pro-Dommes routinely provide sex as part of the terms? if so, Ill have to go back to BDSM 101.

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 29

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/20/2010 9:29:42 PM

Chrisincuffs

Posts: 602
Joined: 12/7/2009
Status: offline

This whole thread is so interesting to me as being a dominating person to all people in my life, and loving being a slave to my Master. If you ran into me on the street you would see an articulate woman who carries herself in a professional manner with class and poise and a very dominating personality.
What my Master sees is all of that as well and also a naked slave bound, with chains, having tattoos all over her body that are unseen by the world, piercings in places only He is privileged enough to enjoy. BDSM was something that I sort of fell into, experimented with and has become a huge part of my life. Sadly I can't share this life with all of my friends or family...They'd never see what I do.
I also had at one time a sort of rape fantasy you could say I guess. Then one night when I was 17, I had been drinking, and was sleeping at a boyfriends house. Their brother in his 30's climbed into my bed after I was asleep and started to touch me. I woke up but did nothing I allowed him to grope me, fondle me, finger me and proceed to fuck me from behind as well as anally. I was scared, traumatized and turned on at the same time. I felt the same was as you. For days I couldn't look anyone in the eye, I was distracted and I too found myself at a panic to even breathe at times. I told nobody about the incident for years. The worst feelings lasted a few weeks and with time I completely got over it. We all react differently to all sexual situations for that matter.

I feel for you and hope for the best for you

_____________________________

No kind of sensation is keener and more active than pain it's impressions are unmistakable. -Marquis DeSade

(in reply to aphotic)

Post #: 30

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 10:15:53 AM

splorff

Posts: 386
Joined: 2/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

I gather from what he said and what others said that humiliation was a big trigger. We dont know how he may have been humiliated in the past, and this experience may have been a kind of re-traumatization.

This is my thinking too.

Psychologists refer to precipitating and predisposing factors. For example Jane is frightened by a snarling dog which is way bigger than she is. Jane settles down in time. But has she? This is her predisposing factor. Later, she will discover that she is frightened all over again, each time a big dog approaches her, This is her precipitating factor. Is is possible to understand the link. Understanding the link is key to making the best recovery one can.

His precipitating factors are domineering, abusive women and female violence [?]. I am not going to ask awkward questions about your childhood. Just consider it yourself. If there is something like this in your childhood, you can more easily understand your recent reaction with this lady.

It may be that you are on the cusp of a great personal discovery. If it is the case, try to forgive [her], if you can;t then don’t. But do acknowledge the past. Then mourn. You will then be able to move on and put this all behind you.

Many dreadful childhood experiences are locked away in the unconscious mind, where they fester, and make brief appearances in dreams which are quickly forgotten.

Wounded flesh cures itself with little input from us. A wounded psyche is altogether different. You may need to drag something out and examine it no matter how painful. This is the road to recovery. It begins with realisation, acceptance, then mourning

What I have said may not be the answer in your case. But I thought I’d share it with you. Many have suffered like this. And yes, it is possible to make a recovery of sorts.

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

Post #: 31

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 10:44:39 AM

vincentML

Posts: 9980
Joined: 10/31/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submale25uk2007

i do feel ive done wrong, like ive let myself down in some way defiently, if some people feel its for them thats great but i dont at all, i think it was just a way of blocking out other things in my life that i should have sorted out instead of taking this option if im being honest, ive spoke to a counsellor today online so hooepfully i can move on from there, i mean ive heard for example people getting ptsd after being beaten up in the street, that wouldnt bother me personally all that much but this defiently does, i guess everyone is just wired a bit differently, but im not finding it easy to get over, just hope it doesnt stay with me forever

OP, you have been on CM since Dec 2007 as a submissive male seeking Dominant Female and now you confess you are feeling shame and embarrassment ????

I wonder if you should not feel a great deal of shame for playing on the sympathies of the good people who have responded here to your pitiful self-indugence.

_____________________________

vML

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. ~ MLK Jr.

(in reply to submale25uk2007)

Post #: 32

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 10:54:17 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: vincentML

quote:

ORIGINAL: submale25uk2007

i do feel ive done wrong, like ive let myself down in some way defiently, if some people feel its for them thats great but i dont at all, i think it was just a way of blocking out other things in my life that i should have sorted out instead of taking this option if im being honest, ive spoke to a counsellor today online so hooepfully i can move on from there, i mean ive heard for example people getting ptsd after being beaten up in the street, that wouldnt bother me personally all that much but this defiently does, i guess everyone is just wired a bit differently, but im not finding it easy to get over, just hope it doesnt stay with me forever

OP, you have been on CM since Dec 2007 as a submissive male seeking Dominant Female and now you confess you are feeling shame and embarrassment ????

I wonder if you should not feel a great deal of shame for playing on the sympathies of the good people who have responded here to your pitiful self-indugence.

I do not think this is fair of you...

You do not know what his experiences are. I explored BDSM for a long time before I had my first real life experience. Humiliation is play that I fantasize about, but I have never deeply experienced, either, and I have been either researching BDSM or having these relationships for about 7 yrs. In fact I have been a member of this site since 2006, and if someone put me through a lot of humiliation play that I was unable to cope with, I might need to somehow cope with that... the difference is I would have a partner to talk to, and unfortunately this submissive doesn't.

I wonder if you would have the same attitude toward a fem-sub, which makes this so much harder, because men are told they should just suck shit like this up when they are people too....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to vincentML)

Post #: 33

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 10:59:15 AM

afkarr

Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline

Many submissives are anything but submissive in their every day lives. For some, that is the whole attraction of bdsm subbing- letting someone else take control, not having to make any decisions, simply letting go. It can be difficult to reconcile those two opposites, it's important to realize that having submissive desires does not make you any less of a man- it means your man enough to acknowledge your innermost feelings and be honest with yourself about them.

Conversely, you may have found subbing isn't for you, you may naturally be more of a Dominant. Or you may be happy without it completely. As far as it being wroing, that sounds like culture induced guilt- a hurdle many of us have had to resolve for ourselves.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 34

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 11:02:31 AM

vincentML

Posts: 9980
Joined: 10/31/2009
Status: offline

It may very well not be fair of me as you suggest, Julia, but he never mentioned he was a relatively long time member of this site and it set me to wondering if he was not just trolling for sympathetic responses. I wondered and so I expressed skepticism. Is that not a valid reaction or must all statements be taken at face value? Is it improper to raise issues here?

_____________________________

vML

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. ~ MLK Jr.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 35

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 11:03:02 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Conversely, you may have found subbing isn't for you, you may naturally be more of a Dominant. Or you may be happy without it completely. As far as it being wroing, that sounds like culture induced guilt- a hurdle many of us have had to resolve for ourselves.

I remember struggling with this before I came to accept my nature....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to afkarr)

Post #: 36

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 11:26:48 AM

submale25uk2007

Posts: 11
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: vincentML

quote:

ORIGINAL: submale25uk2007

i do feel ive done wrong, like ive let myself down in some way defiently, if some people feel its for them thats great but i dont at all, i think it was just a way of blocking out other things in my life that i should have sorted out instead of taking this option if im being honest, ive spoke to a counsellor today online so hooepfully i can move on from there, i mean ive heard for example people getting ptsd after being beaten up in the street, that wouldnt bother me personally all that much but this defiently does, i guess everyone is just wired a bit differently, but im not finding it easy to get over, just hope it doesnt stay with me forever

OP, you have been on CM since Dec 2007 as a submissive male seeking Dominant Female and now you confess you are feeling shame and embarrassment ????

I wonder if you should not feel a great deal of shame for playing on the sympathies of the good people who have responded here to your pitiful self-indugence.

Ive been a member since 2007, i thought that would be pretty obvious going off my username, i guess i feel more shame now as its the first time ive ever tried it for real, i havent played on anyones sympathy in my opinion so i dont feel shame about that to be honest, where else would i post about feeling this way? To be honest ive had some nice pms off people that have been helpful but id rather let the thread drop now.

(in reply to vincentML)

Post #: 37

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 11:28:49 AM

submale25uk2007

Posts: 11
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: afkarr

Many submissives are anything but submissive in their every day lives. For some, that is the whole attraction of bdsm subbing- letting someone else take control, not having to make any decisions, simply letting go. It can be difficult to reconcile those two opposites, it's important to realize that having submissive desires does not make you any less of a man- it means your man enough to acknowledge your innermost feelings and be honest with yourself about them.

Conversely, you may have found subbing isn't for you, you may naturally be more of a Dominant. Or you may be happy without it completely. As far as it being wroing, that sounds like culture induced guilt- a hurdle many of us have had to resolve for ourselves.

maybe i worded it badly, i dont necessarily think its wrong and have nothing against people in but for me personally i feel it's wrong

(in reply to afkarr)

Post #: 38

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 11:38:32 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submale25uk2007

i do feel ive done wrong, like ive let myself down in some way defiently, if some people feel its for them thats great but i dont at all, i think it was just a way of blocking out other things in my life that i should have sorted out instead of taking this option if im being honest, ive spoke to a counsellor today online so hooepfully i can move on from there, i mean ive heard for example people getting ptsd after being beaten up in the street, that wouldnt bother me personally all that much but this defiently does, i guess everyone is just wired a bit differently, but im not finding it easy to get over, just hope it doesnt stay with me forever

anything has power over you in life if you let it have power - if you let this continue to manifest into some awful thing then it will. if you are determined to remain a victim to youreself over this then you will. its completely down to you to take ownership of this, take responsibility for the choice you made, chalk it up as something that bends you out of shape and move on.

really whats the worst that has happened here? - you were curious about something, you went and checked it out, it didnt work for you. thats it really.

the trick is to take responsibility for the choices you make. when you can do that you can tackle most anything.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to submale25uk2007)

Post #: 39

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 11:53:31 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I don't think vincent slighted you, OP. I think he saw it in a different light. It should be mentioned here that in the time you have been here, it is only now that you are going out and experiencing things. A way that, I believe, is much different than vincent has done in the past. The story here could have just as easily been true as it could a tactic. One that obviously does work, since it generated some contacts for you. It would have been another reason for the post.

In your response, you said you had no one to talk to and that is why you came here. Again, I will ask you why could you not bring your concerns to the Domme you played with? This was someone you could have sex with, but don't feel you can speak with about the issue? That's a little backwards where I come from.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 40

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