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RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 12:00:01 PM

MrBukani

Posts: 1920
Joined: 4/18/2010
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forget about it
drop it
exit
what the fuck am i still doing here?

I respect the OP I am out, goodnight

(in reply to LadyPact)

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Post #: 41

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 1:05:43 PM

submale25uk2007

Posts: 11
Joined: 12/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

a tactic. One that obviously does work, since it generated some contacts for you. It would have been another reason for the post.

In your response, you said you had no one to talk to and that is why you came here. Again, I will ask you why could you not bring your concerns to the Domme you played with? This was someone you could have sex with, but don't feel you can speak with about the issue? That's a little backwards where I come from.

ive only met her twice and we decided to cut ties with each other, im not gonna start unloading my problems on her, to me that wouldnt feel right, if you think that's backwards that's up to you

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Post #: 42

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 1:24:12 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: submale25uk2007
ive only met her twice and we decided to cut ties with each other, im not gonna start unloading my problems on her, to me that wouldnt feel right, if you think that's backwards that's up to you

Actually, I do. Then again, I know that your scenario is one of the potential possibilities when engaging in humiliation play. That means as a responsible top, I have to be aware that there might be a bad reaction during, or after the scene. It would be Me creating the situation. That means it would also be Me that would have to take care of any resulting issues.

It's the very same way that I would have to follow up if I did a cutting. I'm going to be asking the bottom if the wound is healing nicely, have there been any signs of infection, and asking the bottom if they are changing the bandages regularly. I'd absolutely want to know if the wound is still leaking fluid after the following day or if there were signs of trouble.

This is very much the same concept. I just don't think you're seeing it.

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Post #: 43

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 6:34:21 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
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I don't do humiliation play for this very reason. However, as a Domme who has played physically with a couple of guys in the past who quite probably have had similar reactions (judging by the fact that they disappeared), I can only tell you how much that hurt Me. It hurt that despite My educating them about sub drop before the play session (and what to do if it occurred), My stated desires for followup, having them agree to contacting Me ... and then My own attempts to followup ... they wouldn't speak to Me about their feelings. I was hurt and frustrated at having been shut out. All I wanted to do was to be there for them, let them talk it out, help them to work through the feelings of shame (about having submitted), arousal (at something they perceive as "bad" such as a spanking or flogging), internal conflict etc etc. As a responsible Domme, as LadyPact says, I think it's My JOB to be there ... that's something I sign up for when I agree to the play. Even if the end point is that they realise that bdsm isn't for them and they walk away, that's fine, I just want to have been able to help them get to that point with minimal damage! I hate to think of someone wandering around for the next few weeks in the same state as the OP.

The strangest thing about both of those guys was that about 6 months down the track ... they contacted Me again. Both had found their submissive urges coming back, despite the negativity they had experienced about it at the time. It was like an itch they couldn't get rid of. They described what was clearly a bad case of sub drop ... they sheepishly admitted to ignoring My attempts to contact them to discuss it ... and they wanted to try again. They were quite upset when I said No way. If I can't trust them to come back to Me to discuss the scene ... I can't trust them enough to scene with them.

OP, I'm not saying you will also have a return to wanting to do this, you may, you may not. But I am agreeing with LadyPact and some of the other posters here in urging you to contact the Domme and just talking it over with Her. I'm hoping that putting it from Her point of view may encourage you to do so. For your own sake and for Hers, you need to find your way through these conflicted feelings and out the other side.

Good luck
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Post #: 44

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 8:03:45 PM

lostsub26

Posts: 71
Joined: 7/9/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: submale25uk2007

i guess what i feel most is shame, i cant look people in the eye since it happend

I have to be honest. I've had a similar experience with BDSM relationships. They take you on extreme highs and extreme lows. They are extreme. They aren't for people looking for a conventional, mundane and comfortable relationship.
They take you to the next level in your mental, emotional and spiritual development because they can challenge every aspect of your psyche. It may leave you feeling vulnerable and scared. But there is a flip side if you so choose to look at the pleasure and enjoyment that you derive from surrendering, not to another person as you might think, but ultimately, to your own self.

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Post #: 45

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 8:18:08 PM

sexyred1

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OP, you have gotten great advice. Not every fantasy or desire that someone has works for them in real life once experienced.

Instead of feeling so bad about it, you should give yourself credit for trying. Now the important thing is to become self aware of how you felt about the encounter.

It sounds like you did get off on it and only later had regrets. If your regrets are from your inner voice telling you that was not a fun thing to do, that is ok. If your regrets are shame about what OTHERS think or you perceive of them thinking, then that is a waste of your time.

No one who is mentally healthy engages in any of this BDSM stuff if it does not serve a purpose for them. If you find after reflection this does not serve a purpose or give you pleasure, then it may not be for you or perhaps, this person was just not right for you.

Only you know the answers to the above and I wish you luck. I feel badly that you are so traumatized by your first time, that is indeed a shame.

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Post #: 46

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 8:37:30 PM

BoiJen

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OP,

While some individuals may offer advice based upon their own experiences, they cannot tell you how you should feel about you or how to go about recovering from your experience.

Seek some counseling. The people you're soliciting for advice are not professionals and likely don't have the tools equipped to help you deal with this. Remember, most of the people here have no problem with what they do.

Seek counseling as counselors are trained and educated and equipped to help you through tough times of figuring out who you are and healing from the discovery process.

boi

No offense to anyone. Really the guy needs to seek professional help.

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Post #: 47

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 8:40:36 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

No offense to anyone. Really the guy needs to seek professional help.

He's been told this repeatedly on this thread

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Post #: 48

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 8:42:11 PM

BoiJen

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To engage with him otherwise kinda discounts that and encourages him to further not seek help.

boi

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Post #: 49

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 8:43:20 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

To engage with him otherwise kinda discounts that and encourages him to further not seek help.

boi

He seems to rather like dominant advice anyways, or had you not noticed?

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RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 8:45:06 PM

BoiJen

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Yeah I did. I think my ethics class is starting to get to me. lol

boi

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RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 10:07:37 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

OP,

While some individuals may offer advice based upon their own experiences, they cannot tell you how you should feel about you or how to go about recovering from your experience.

Seek some counseling. The people you're soliciting for advice are not professionals and likely don't have the tools equipped to help you deal with this. Remember, most of the people here have no problem with what they do.

Seek counseling as counselors are trained and educated and equipped to help you through tough times of figuring out who you are and healing from the discovery process.

boi

No offense to anyone. Really the guy needs to seek professional help.

Interestingly, there are a few trained counsellors in CM who post regularly to the forums here. I wouldn't necessarily discount everything posted beside which there is nothing like personal experience to bring theoretical help ten steps ahead to make it good help.

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Post #: 52

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 10:14:41 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

Interestingly, there are a few trained counsellors in CM who post regularly to the forums here. I wouldn't necessarily discount everything posted beside which there is nothing like personal experience to bring theoretical help ten steps ahead to make it good help.

Any therapist worth a crap would not be offering professional advice other than "seek help"

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RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 10:18:42 PM

IronBear

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I disagree and have seen excellent help offered on these forums. However, it is more than likely that they will also contact a seeker of help on the other side too, which again has happened often enough I understand.

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RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 10:26:49 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

I disagree and have seen excellent help offered on these forums. However, it is more than likely that they will also contact a seeker of help on the other side too, which again has happened often enough I understand.

In this country it is unethical to provide treatment over the internet. It is not unethical to offer advice, etc, but it is unethical to provide a diagnosis....

I do not think I have seen one person here that is a therapist offer anything but a "seek professional help" piece of advice.... they definitely would not tell a stranger that he should get over himself and quit whining, or some other such thing, especially when it is fairly obvious he is suffering.... whether you think this is warranted or not

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RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/21/2010 11:17:14 PM

porcelaine

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And how does anyone know that these people are really licensed professionals? Have they provided verifiable credentials? Counseled anyone you know? Or are we basing this on a personal assertion instead?

~porcelaine

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RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/22/2010 12:20:30 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

Interestingly, there are a few trained counsellors in CM who post regularly to the forums here. I wouldn't necessarily discount everything posted beside which there is nothing like personal experience to bring theoretical help ten steps ahead to make it good help.

Any therapist worth a crap would not be offering professional advice other than "seek help"

Absolutely.

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Post #: 57

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/22/2010 12:24:39 AM

Zevar

Posts: 801
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quote:

ORIGINAL: submale25uk2007

I tried it recently for the first time, it was a few weeks ago and to be honest ive felt a mess ever since. The 'domme' was okay, but i just feel its wrong really and i wont be doing it again.

However, i feel emotionally damaged by it, like ive been abused almost and all my confidence/sense of humour seems to have drained out of me because of it, i doint feel half the man i did before i tried it, ive had a look on the net for some advice about it but i cant find any really, just wondered if anyone on here can give me some advice?

thanks

Keep in mind that this is just a suggestion AND not advise in any way!

It sounds to me like you might consider seeking the professional assistance of a certifiable and trained Sexologist so that you can address the issues as you have presented. Google is a good place to search for professional, certifiable and trained Sexologist resources that are BDSM friendly in many instances. Good luck in making the right choice for you!

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RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/22/2010 12:29:16 AM

splorff

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Any therapist worth a crap would not be offering professional advice other than "seek help"

Professional advise is useful, but so is advise from those who have had similar experiences.

Besides, professional advise may not be affordable to the OP. Theoretically, nhs mental heath care is free in the UK, until of course, you need it. That is when you discover, that you are at the back of a 6 month waiting list. Shamefully of course, you can see the same person privately tomorrow ! That's at £50 per hour !

I find it pretty galling that these peeps, like other students in the UK, go through university on the backs of the taxpayer at great expense to us, then once needed, behave in this way.

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Post #: 59

RE: I think bdsm has messed my head up - 7/22/2010 12:29:40 AM

lally2

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he's been to a counsellor, he's already said that and he feels better. now he just has to live with himself and he's finding that hard right now.

i wouldnt discount the advice on here either - this place is FULL of people who know exactly what he's going through from both sides of the kneel. you dont need a certificate on the wall to apply experience, empathy and logic.

anyway, this clearly is all way deeper than just these two visits to a Domme. personally OP i think youre really struggling with the fact that you cant live with this side of youreself. you got off on it and now youre hating youreself for that. so maybe you should be exploring where this has come from, think it through. for instance. im pretty sure that my wiring came from a combo of a dominant father and a narcisstic mother. if you can identify where this need for humiliation came from you can then get proactive about dealing with it.

maybe it all feels out of control right now. maybe youre scared youre wiring will create pressure in you again and you wont know what to do with it.

if you know where it comes from you can first of all forgive youreself a little bit (but dont go blaming anyone -ever!!, thats not going to improve anything) and then second of all you will have equipped youreself with the tools to deal with it when and if it builds up again.

STOP beating youreself up now. please just stop it, its not helping you at all and its going nowhere. get proactive. man up to this.

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