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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 10:32:42 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

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Not being able to control your temper isn't very mature, or a quality that is respectable in someone who is supposed to be a leader and a Dominant to someone. Hell it's not respectable in any one.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

and my situations are a result of me not wanting to lose my temper. i'm typically very patient, but when i get to the end of my rope- i'll explode on somebody....or pour hot coffee on somebody's lap.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 10:57:13 AM

MissAsylum

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and i admire that about you. i agree- it was about the cost of a cross and that was it, and emotions should not have been caught up in the situation. and i was fine, despite him saying that i was trying to hit him up for money. i only became irritated when he stormed out of my house. i don't take kindly to people who are supposed to be close to me being disrespectful.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 11:59:37 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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Maybe he knows you also Pro, and took pride in being special enough to you that he didn't have to pay for the services you charge others for? Perhaps your asking him to contribute made him feel as if you were relegating him to the common realm of those paying tribute to you? He might have reacted badly, but unless you talk to him, you can't really know if he's being cheap or he's proud to be a part of your life as a non-tribute submissive and felt insulted at the idea of your asking him to contribute in a way he never had to before.

You never really know, unless someone tells you, where their head is at.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 12:20:28 PM

DommeKeliDallas

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i got into a spat this morning with my longtime submissive. he has never paid to see me and has never paid for anything. yesterday after we had played together, he brought up the idea of getting a st andrews cross. i ran the idea past by boyfriend(whom my submissive has become friendly with) and he liked the idea for all three of us to use. he found one online that all three of us agree on that would be around 500 dollars. since its pretty expensive, i told them that we should 3-way split the cost because all of us would be using it. my submissive said he doesnt believe he should pay anything towards the cross since I am the Domme and that he was digusted by the fact that i would hit him up for money. i told him that if he felt that way, he could forget about using it since my boyfriend and i would be paying for it. he stormed out in a huff as a result. is there a rule somewhere that the top or dominant has to front the costs for all the equipment?

YOU are the Domme.
Kiss the freeloader BUH-BYE!

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 12:21:29 PM

DommeKeliDallas

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If you were a Pro, this would NOT be an issue.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 12:21:35 PM

NorthernGent

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Nothing wrong. I'm a fan of splitting the costs according to relative income. Fair's fair.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 12:27:06 PM

Rochsub2009

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Lady Pact,
I like your approach much more than I like Miss Asylum's. And frankly, the reason is not because I like the content of your answer more than hers. Rather, I prefer the underlying premise of your answer.

In your scenario, you are clearly in charge. The actual content of your answer is completely secondary. But the key is that you are clearly the dominant party in the interaction.

Contrarily, I felt that Miss Asylum's "sub" was the dominant party in her scenario.

Miss Asylum,
If I could offer you one piece of advice, it would be to be more confident in your own status. Subs can smell fear and uncertainty. Don't let them see you sweat. When they start to assert themselves and challenge your dominance, you have to come down hard on that. You need to have a zero tolerance (or close to zero tolerance) policy. Don't let subs be rude to you, or act in a way that is disobedient or disrespectful.

Even though you may be young (I think you're only 21), you still have to act confident and in control. And as far as your temper goes, if you are not able to control yourself, then you are not qualified to control others. But of course, I've already questioned whether you are truly dominant. Many of your posts have led me to question that. But only you know the real answer to the question.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 7/21/2010 12:28:23 PM >

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 12:59:46 PM

MissAsylum

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i respect your opinion. however, i strongly disagree this reflects on whether i am dominant or not. i cant really "put my foot down" if in a matter of seconds they storm out of my house. what i supposed to do- chase them down the street? i will never. if he wants to run out because he is insulted for whatever reason, that is his choice, however-he will have to deal with consequences later.i've laid down what i consider acceptable and he decided to disreagrd what was said- as a human he can do that. he doesnt want to chip in for or build a cross- fine. Then he doesnt play on one. I was trying to be fair-nothing more. by the way(not meant to be disrespectful) we all have a temper- it takes quite a bit to make me lose it- just the same as everybody.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 1:15:17 PM

IronBear

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You will act according to your nature and use your dominance in a manner which suits you. Many Dommes I know are not the Nazi type disciplinarian but are rather laid back in their Dominance as I am. These include a couple of Pro Dommes too who for a specific client can adopt that Nazi Bossy Bitch face which is not the real them. It is part of the service after all for which they get paid. I too have been questioned often enough regarding my apparent lack of dominance because I rarely order a slave about but as is my nature, tend to make my wishes known in a more genteel manner. Mind you I expect that a slave/servant will jump to and obey the "request" instantly to perfection or they will know my displeasure. Even then there is no drama or theatrics just another "request" that they find the cane, crop, slave whip and take it to the place of punishment to await my pleasure..

< Message edited by IronBear -- 7/21/2010 1:17:36 PM >

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 1:25:23 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i respect your opinion. however, i strongly disagree this reflects on whether i am dominant or not. i cant really "put my foot down" if in a matter of seconds they storm out of my house. what i supposed to do- chase them down the street? i will never. if he wants to run out because he is insulted for whatever reason, that is his choice, however-he will have to deal with consequences later.i've laid down what i consider acceptable and he decided to disreagrd what was said- as a human he can do that. he doesnt want to chip in for or build a cross- fine. Then he doesnt play on one. I was trying to be fair-nothing more. by the way(not meant to be disrespectful) we all have a temper- it takes quite a bit to make me lose it- just the same as everybody.

Whilst Rochsub makes us malesubs sound a lot more like bulldogs than I'd like with his 'they can smell your fear' views etc. (cheers for that, RS

), that does serve to underline the principle. This is that a dominant has to operate with a zero-tolerance policy from the outset and even with the smallest things. That way, bigger matters - such a man storming out of the house and your needing to chase him down the street - never arise in the first place.

I once saw a nature doc being applied by a naturalist who kept chimpanzees. She berated the chimps for the tiniest infraction because a bigger infraction, like one attacking her in a fit of anger, would probably have killed her. But I freely admit that I have about the same practical experience of dominating as I have of dancing on the Moon.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 1:35:02 PM

MissAsylum

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i honestly dont have the tenacity to be in bitch mode constantly. just not my schtick.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 1:37:39 PM

MissAsylum

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well when i say i have never had a problem until now with him, i seriously mean "never". otherwise, any little side step behaviour that was on a lower scale would have been dealt with.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 1:38:54 PM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

If I could offer you one piece of advice, it would be to be more confident in your own status. Subs can smell fear and uncertainty. Don't let them see you sweat. When they start to assert themselves and challenge your dominance, you have to come down hard on that. You need to have a zero tolerance (or close to zero tolerance) policy. Don't let subs be rude to you, or act in a way that is disobedient or disrespectful.

This. And we size you up, look for the bluff, and all sorts of things that contradict the image you're projecting. I would never serve a man that allowed me to step on him without complaint.

~porcelaine

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 1:42:23 PM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Many Dommes I know are not the Nazi type disciplinarian but are rather laid back in their Dominance as I am.

IB,
You make it sound as though there are only two points in this continuum. That is clearly not the case.

Personally, I don't respond well to the nazi type disciplinarian that you described. But there are other types as well. I used Lady Pact as an example. There was nothing in her response that seemed nazi-ish. Yet, I acknowledged that I liked her approach.

Miss Asylum is going to develop her own unique style. I'm sure she is going to turn out fine. I'm just concerned that in so many of the threads that she starts, she ends up in unusual situations, and in most of them, she doesn't have the upper hand.

I really don't care what approach she takes to maintaining the upper hand. But I would definitely like to see her with the upper hand in ALL of the situations that she has posted about.

Despite stating that you are "laid back, I'm sure that you nevertheless maintain control during your interactions with your subs. That is all that I want to see M.A. do; maintain control.

I am obviously not privy to all of M.A.'s interactions with her subs/clients. But of the ones that she has posted here, too many of them have been problematic. I'd hope that she can eliminate that problem.

Despite how my posts may have sounded, Miss Asylum and I communicate on the other side. We're cool. She knows that I mean this constructively. I like her, and wish nothing but the best for her.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 1:50:24 PM

BoiJen

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As someone on the outside, my concern is over his lack of respect. He seems to have no respect for the fact that HE wants YOU to buy a cross for HIM at $500. He doesn't want to contribute at all.

Call me crazy...that doesn't sound very "submissive". It sounds more like a pushy, demanding, mouthy ass person.

If it had been me, I might be missing some teeth and being dropped on my own ass for being so disrespectful. As the s-type, he's not supposed to be the one making the demands.

If I'm wrong here, please let me know, cuz I think I may have this whole "In Charge/not in charge" thing backwards.

boi

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 1:55:46 PM

IronBear

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No old chap, I was using the Nazi Bitch as an example of the extreme to illustrate a point.. Keeping a rather rigid control is a gradual thing for me starting from what I call reasonable control and as trust and the feel of each other develops it finally develops to what in it's own manner is an iron fist in a velvet glove control. As you know some are easier that others and some need less overt control than others too. This happens in the "Probationary Collar" period. Again, I have no experience with subs per se' as I trend to seek slaves being what I am used to. Aye, I think she is a good lass with a bright future so I too hope only the best for her.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 1:59:40 PM

fitv27

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Hi, i hope you dont mind my answering. I just think it is strange for a submissive to be asking his mistress what he would like to be done. I know we are all different but my belief is that it is my role (the sub) to be obedient to my master/mistress and my pleasure is derived from making them happy. therefore you should be deciding what toys and equipment you would like to use on him (or not).. and perhaps if it is costly to tell him how much you expect him to contribute - as long as you dont turn the relationship into one of money it might be nice to make him do some overtime - and focus on the reason he is doing it is to buy equipment that you will use on him, for your pleasure... i.e. focus on his toil for your pleasure. lovely.

I had a master once who, if I questioned or disobeyed anything would immediately put me in the norty corner to consider my actions sometimes for hours, then would sit me down look into my eyes and talk to me about my role - it was beautiful and almost always finished with my crying and saying sorry in his arms before some fantasitc torture and sex.

< Message edited by fitv27 -- 7/21/2010 2:02:15 PM >

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 2:02:19 PM

MissAsylum

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not using this as an excuse, but in my relationship with him, he has never once questioned me, let alone be out rude to me. needless to say, being caught off gaurd is a gross understatement.

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 2:14:05 PM

BoiJen

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

not using this as an excuse, but in my relationship with him, he has never once questioned me, let alone be out rude to me. needless to say, being caught off gaurd is a gross understatement.

Oh I understand. I do. And let me tell you...the ONE time I got mouthy and demanding like that to MsKitty she saw red, grabbed my face and came nose to nose with me and said/growled something like "Say that one more time...."

She's got no problem with me leaving a room if I need to cool down cuz I'm a feisty mother fucker but being disrespectful and demanding are two totally different things from taking a time-out.

It's the disrespect thing that's sticking out to me as the outsider.

boi

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RE: Is there something wrong with splitting the costs? - 7/21/2010 2:19:52 PM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

not using this as an excuse, but in my relationship with him, he has never once questioned me, let alone be out rude to me. needless to say, being caught off gaurd is a gross understatement.

I see your perspective on this. However, if you read all of the responses from the subs (Peon, Porcelain, BoiJen, myself, etc.), we are all fairly consistent in our view of things.

Asking a Domme to buy a piece of equipment that we want is unthinkable.

Refusing to pay for or contribute to the piece of equipment that we asked for would be unthinkable.

Storming out on our Dom/Domme would be unthinkable.

Not calling our Dom/Domme and making them wait patiently until we felt like coming around again would be unthinkable.

Only getting our Dom/Domme a cupcake on their birthday would be unthinkable.

Only spending money on our Dom/Domme one time (a single dinner) over the course of a 3-year relationship would be unthinkable.

Yet, in the 3-year relationship that you have described, each of these things is not only thinkable, but they are the current reality. Why is that? Moreover, why is that permitted? Also, what small disciplinary steps were not taken, so that now a large disciplinary step seems necessary? That is all that I am asking.

Once again, go back and look at the consistency of the responses by the subs. We all seem to be consistent in what we expect from a Dom/Domme. We all are also consistent about what we would expect to happen if we behaved as you described.

Why is our experience/expectation so out of line with the situation that you related in your OP?

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