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Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 3:12:30 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		One of my motto’s in life has always been to live true to yourself. Living true to myself hasn’t always been easy because there is sometimes a cost in it all. Living true to who I am means I first must know who I am and then make sure that the things in life I can control, align with who and what I am. The choices I make in living true to myself can be tough at times, but I am comfortable with the results because I am being true to what I believe and want.

I have heard it more times than I wanted to… that people should accept less because they somehow think they are less and find someone acceptable rather than a true fit, just so that they are not alone. I see this as a fear of being alone and a way to cheat yourself and another person of what could really be good rather than simply acceptable.

I read a journal entry today that was saying to those who are older, to basically consider they are older and it is harder to find someone simply because they are older and not the young one everyone wants and to consider that so that they don’t end up alone. Stop being so picky. I cannot agree that this is the answer for me as long as I'm being reasonable and realistic.

Being reasonable… knowing at almost fifty three years old, the likelihood of a man young enough to be my son would wish to be with me for the rest of my life is nil and knowing I am not the hot body I was… means I make good choices and not fool myself, but really… is it wise to compromise yourself because you aren’t on the list of hot people seeking?

I would rather be alone than to be with someone that wasn’t right for me and how I wish to live my life. I feel that if I accepted less, I would not only cheat myself, but them of what could happen if they found someone who could love them and fit them in a way I never could.

What do you all think? Would you accept less because you are somehow less in your own mind or in the mind of someone else? Are you afraid to be alone and because you are, would you be with someone you knew you couldn’t have it all with, just to prevent being alone? Do you think accepting less would be fair to you or your partner? I know I am not covering every aspect of this, so feel free to add to it or show me a thing or two! lol

I have strong opinions on this and I am not hiding them at all here! lol I would not really judge someone who did compromise as it might sound as if I would. I do understand and I would and do seek to understand better what someone else would think or feel. But for myself, I see it certain ways and couldn't... at least not at this point in life. lol Who knows... I could view it quite differently somewhere down the road!



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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 3:26:31 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Oh I totally cited you on my journal, Lockit!!

The idea that we need to SETTLE at ANY POINT in our lives, just maddens me! I know that as we age, and have the issues that the middle aged have (caregiver to parents, grandchildren, etc) our lives become more complex. I am not spontaneous in that "let's go out NOW" way, my hips make a *sound* when I get off the couch, and my tits seem...lower...than they used to be, but that doesn't mean I have lost my value as a person.

I am not exactly resigned to being alone forever, but the chances of it are good. Having been in a disastrous relationship that was driven by loneliness, I know the consequences of desperation and half measures. I know myself, what I want, and what I NEED, and I will not settle for less than what I need. I am happy with my own company, and I am surrounded by friends that love me. My life is not empty without a partner in it.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 3:58:36 PM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		I was anxious about being alone at one time. Since then though I've gotten comfortable enough with being on my own that anyone coming in would be a major imposition, cramping my style - so they'd better be everything I want with no negatives whatsoever 'cause there aint gonna be any compromise here!

All in all I'm finding it works for me being alone, doing as I want when I want, no one to accomodate or fret over (except cats). And if I do want company well its easy enough to obtain with the advantage of being able to throw them out when I want or need to.

E

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 4:05:44 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		Well, I truly believe you can have a relationship with just about any emotionally mature person of the appropriate gender given enough effort on both parts. That's how arranged marriages work out.

On the other hand, I am, unfortunately, quite idealistic in nature, so settling for less wouldn't work for me and would make me unhappy. I mean some of us have ridiculously long lists of things we want out of life.

So the solution for me, is to have casual relationships with women, while keeping an open mind of other posibilities. The journey with someone can be quite enjoyable, even when do not share the same destination. However, I do realize some people are very disappointed whenever their relationship doesn't transform into a lifelong commitement and feel like they wasted their time. So that's why I avoid people with that mentality and also make no false promises. It'd probably be easier if I were a jerk who could lie about loving someone, but like I said... highly idealistic personality.

So settle or not, it's up to you. But you can definately fall into a trap where no one will ever be able to satisfy all of your criteria. Personally, I've decided I'd be happy with about 70-80% of my list and, yes, it's quite long...

Incidentally, this topic makes me think of therealwhiteknight and her extensive white-knight fantasty.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 4:09:40 PM   
kinkbound


Posts: 387
Joined: 9/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

What do you all think?


Being in no relationship at all is preferable to being in a relationship that doesn't meet one's needs.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 4:18:39 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I do believe that we can set standards that no one could meet. That is where being realistic and reasonable come into play. When younger I asked myself if expected too much. Then I found one... then a few... and knew I wasn't expecting too much. I remain flexible in many area's and yet inflexible in others. It depends.

I too believe that people can learn to fit one another through time and commitment and don't worry too much about many things... but I am also comfortable in my life and being alone, despite a day or two every once in a while that I wonder... is this all there is? lol

I ask myself... do I really want to give up the bed space when I can relax and stretch out? Do I want to listen to snoring that keeps me awake or be afraid that I might snore? It all sure sounds like a lot of work in this or that... do I really want that? lol

So while I need a good fit for me and to know that love is good and fair between us... I am not inflexible to the point of not being able to live with someone else. A relationship and a fit isn't always automatic, but... there has to be something special there for me to see a reason to continue. Certain things I see in common that can be a foundation for what is to come.


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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 4:22:20 PM   
Bobanna


Posts: 95
Joined: 5/1/2009
Status: offline 		I'd rather stay home and masturbate for the rest of my life then be with someone I didnt admire.  One of the worse things in the world for me (past tense) was waking up next to someone and thinking "what the fuck is this all about?!?"  If you are having to lower your needs and exptectations so youre not lonely ... there is something wrong going on inside of you that only you can fix.  The chances of being with someone for a longterm if you dont truly desire them is close to nil.  Resentment fills in the holes quickly, and a positive past relationship that set the bar in your mind, will always make you feel unsatisfied and feeling like there is "something wrong."
At any age I think it is possible for people to fall in love.  Its just like at any age ---> 16, 25, 35, 40 so forth, you just have to be lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time for it to be able to happen. 
Someone said something really cool to me the other day ... "there is no chance meetings"  I liked that ~

Oh and btw, I read that same journal entry you probably read .. and said to myself :  BULLSHIT ..this is the type of douchebag that makes women feel like they are worthless( based on their looks ) and they are not desirable after a certain age. He probably thinks he is entitled to a Victoria Secret model or Playboy bunny too.  He is also the type that never leaves his computer.  He is the type of spindoctor that listens to Rush L. and believes the world is going to end in 2012.  People like that can go fuck themelves.

Bo

< Message edited by Bobanna -- 8/8/2010 4:50:36 PM >

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 4:38:20 PM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline 		If we settle for less and are in a committed relationship, wouldn't that be the worst time for the right one to come along? 
quote:

I read a journal entry today that was saying to those who are older, to basically consider they are older and it is harder to find someone simply because they are older and not the young one everyone wants and to consider that so that they don’t end up alone. Stop being so picky.

I agree and disagree.  If someone cannot bear to be alone, they need to stop being so picky and find someone else who cannot bear to be alone. 
 
On the other hand, I know for a fact that older people can catch the interest of young ones, whether male or female.  Bogart caught Lauren Bacall.  My aunt was in her 50's then 60's and kept having guys in their twenties crazy about her and wanting to get married.  The men were hotties as well as being young.  She didn't want to remarry after having been through 4 divorces, and sometimes the men actually wanted her to get pregnant (it was possible but she said Heck No!), lol.  If the person is right for you, a perfect match other than age...I fail to see the problem.  Either people have the balls to stand up and fight for what they want and defend their decision, or else they give up and walk away. 
 
When I was 17 I plunged into a 4 year relationship with a man 52.  He was not my sugar daddy but my equal.  The reasons why I left him had nothing to do with his age.  I would have stayed with him until one of us died, if he hasn't been such an asshat. 
 
Mom was around 38 when she married a man 78...and the reason why their marriage didn't work out had nothing to do with age difference either.  It was based on convenience, on both sides.  When her kids were raised and out of the house, and he didn't need her as his trophy wife anymore (and he became more of an asshat than she could endure) they separated.  In the end, he begged to be taken back and she refused as he had burned his bridges very well. 
 
quote:

I would rather be alone than to be with someone that wasn’t right for me and how I wish to live my life. I feel that if I accepted less, I would not only cheat myself, but them of what could happen if they found someone who could love them and fit them in a way I never could.

You need to do what's right for you.  I don't know why, but I suddenly remembered a woman I used to work for when I was a live in servant.  She was in her 50's or even 60's...and was very happily married.  Her husband couldn't have been older than 30.  He was long, lean, hottt, and Greek American.  She was average looking and a little heavy but she had style.  He was attentive, she was not his sugar momma, and they made a lovely couple.  Nobody would dare say one thing about the age difference...but hey, it was California. 
 
quote:

Would you accept less because you are somehow less in your own mind or in the mind of someone else?

This would depend on someone's definition of less.  Do I hope for everything to be perfect...no.  I have more limits now than I used to have, as in responsibilities I wlll not shirk from and the fact that I cannot/won't relocate.  When I was young I would have even relocated to another country over love.  I do not see this as being less than I was before.  If I am less in someone else's mind...then I would never wish to be with him.
 
quote:

Are you afraid to be alone and because you are, would you be with someone you knew you couldn’t have it all with, just to prevent being alone? 
Years of my life have passed by because I was not willing to settle for less.  I won't settle for married men either...and no, I am not afraid to spend the rest of my life alone.  I would have enjoyable companions...me, myself, and I.   And my vibe, who never disrespects me..and comes with an off switch.
 
quote:

Do you think accepting less would be fair to you or your partner? 
If this was through mutual consent, for whatever reason they had (Alaska invented marriage contracts that expired after one year, and people could choose this marriage over the usual type) then it's fair.  If one partner is fooling the other one while waiting to trade up then it is deceptive.
 
I don't know why people feel the need to tell others what age range to stick to.  Some dreams come at the price of all of our other dreams...we might also be blessed with them for a much shorter time than we had been expecting.  Not everyone dies from "old age."
 
No, I will not settle for less than I need. 
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
edited cuz I forgot to add some quote boxes

< Message edited by CynthiaWVirginia -- 8/8/2010 4:47:23 PM >

(in reply to Lockit)
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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 4:42:23 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I have been with men who weren't exactly everything I wanted in life but I never saw that as settling but simply realizing that I don't need to have every single thing in a partner to be happy. Some things are a priority. Some are not....

but I have never ever settled for someone just so I didn't have to be alone. I've been alone most of my life. It's not a huge leap for me.


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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 5:05:55 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I've been with people were weren't entirely ideal for me.  More than once.  More than twice.  For years at a time.  I don't think it was time wasted, necessarily, and my horror stories are fairly well limited to one eight-month stretch.

I'm closing in on 50 myself, and find myself in roughly the same position as Lockit.  Crossroads.

I have in my head an ideal partner, as far as entering into a relationship from both sides (what my needs would be relative to what hers would be).  It's a little tricky, but that's part of the definition of 'ideal'.  You can read that as meaning 'mostly realistic'.

As far as doing the alone thing, I was pretty well prepared for that last time three years ago.  I'm no less prepared this time.  I'm not sad that that is a likely outcome; I tend to be able to occupy myself well.

As opposed to many of the rest of you, I occasionally set myself up for utter disillusionment by going to the odd munch.  I find it to be like going to some kid's makeshift lemonade stand knowing that somewhere out there there MUST be a grocery store.

Hence, the Internet for me.

Of course, if you want to pry me loose, feel free to take your best shot.

Jeff

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Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 5:21:53 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		After being in love with the wrong people for most of my life, and staying in two very long term situations, one marriage and one recent relationship where some critical needs of mine were not being met, I would have to agree that being in no relationship is better than the wrong one.

Personally, I am realistic about aging and not possessing the same hotness level of my youth, but I am valuable in more important ways.

I know who I am, what I can tolerate, what I can compromise on and what I will not accept. I think that self awareness is more important than the hotness of youth. It also means as a woman on her own, I depend on only myself and therefore, if the right one came along, I would be an equal partner not needing him for what he can give me, but more needing him to simply be a witness to my life.

That, in itself, is what I am most sad about, not having a witness to my life and no matter how strong you are emotionally, it would be lovely to have someone to just lay my head against their shoulder and have it be ok.

But in terms of settling, it is a hard concept to understand for me because the qualities I am looking for are non negotiable...intelligence, kindness, loyalty, commitment, responsibility, all of which are intangibles that cannot be discerned until you start really being with someone.

The stuff about looks, age, etc...those are tangibles and those are the things I believe you can settle with, but not the emotional needs above.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 5:27:12 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		I have turned my back on many a friendship because I wanted all or nothing. I had always thought I was a pretty terrific person, outgoing and positive in spirit. I made friends easily. I was always "the nurturer" and gave of myself easily, to some degree. I was often the one they would come to for advice or a warm hug or a fun time. It turns out I was really a very harsh judgemental woman hiding under all those smiles. I would turn my back on any aquaintance as soon as I found hat they couldnt meet the high expectations I had set for them. Fast forward twenty years later and plenty of time in between to figure out why I couldn't bond with anyone, and the answer is me.
I now choose to think of it as a balancing act as opposed to "accepting less".
There will always be good qualities in a person that will counter-balance the negative. 

This is not in regards to any intimate relationship, but even more painful for me as it made me miss out on the joys of having close friends.

**added violin at Jeffs' request**

< Message edited by poise -- 8/8/2010 5:59:08 PM >

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 5:46:32 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Shoulldn't this thread have some violin music, and tissues at the door?

Jeff

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Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 6:14:44 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I AM relaxing my requirements a bit as I grow older.  Partly this is due to me not getting younger, and part of this is realizing with age that some of my requirements aren't as important to me as they used to be.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 6:20:42 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I AM relaxing my requirements a bit as I grow older.  Partly this is due to me not getting younger, and part of this is realizing with age that some of my requirements aren't as important to me as they used to be.



Do let me know when you relax them enough to be my submissive and relocate to me!


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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 6:35:09 PM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
I do believe that we can set standards that no one could meet. That is where being realistic and reasonable come into play.


I'll never have the '67 Corvette I dreamed of as a kid
I'll never be a 98-pound fetish model
I'll never belong to a sadistic female heavy bondage top.

Lot of the time, life is about taking what comes your way.


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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 6:41:28 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		My Sir is intelligent, honest, sweet, affectionate, and treats me very well. He's 2 years older than me, but everyone says he looks like he's in his early 20's. With his thick fast growing hair, I doubt he will ever go bald. As in all relationships, there are a few negatives. We have very little in common outside of bdsm and he's not much for fashion (he insists on wearing socks with sandals lol). When I asked my father what he thought of us having so little in common, he said the way a man treats a woman is the most important thing. I doubt if I could find a man who treats me better than Sir does. I suppose I have settled in some ways, but who doesn't considering no 2 people are exactly alike and nobody is perfect.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 6:48:55 PM   
maxthq


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline 		What this comes down to is simple: You can either hold out the eternal hope that you will find your perfect mate in all ways and end up a lonely and sad person, or you can take someone that comes your way and partially makes you happy and hope that you can both grow in your relationship. But in all honesty when it comes to this lifestyle it is better to take someone that you only have a few things in common with as opposed to never finding that perfect partner. Hell, even a vanilla relationship with someone that had only a mediocre chance at happiness would be preferable to nothing at all.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 7:00:31 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'd be curious to see the journal entry that you are referring to, Lockit.  From what you say here, I have a few thoughts on the matter.

Truthfully, when folks bring those kinds of statements up, they are hoping people will settle for less than what they want.  The reasons for the remarks in the first place is that they know that there isn't anyone who is willing to settle for them.  They know they aren't able to get someone in their life as they are.  Rather than making some self improvements to be a more compatible partner (the things they can control), the line of thinking is that the standards of others is too high.  When it comes down to it, there are a lot of things that are out of our control (age being a good example) but there are always areas where we can improve.  When people talk about they want others to settle, I'm usually hearing the underlying message of that person isn't really doing much in the self improvement department.

As you know, I'm not single.  At the same time, I spend durations where we don't live in the same location.  Anybody who can live a year apart at a time from their spouse isn't afraid of being alone.  The short and sweet of that is, I wouldn't settle just to avoid being on My own.  I don't expect any one person on this planet to meet every possible preference that I might have, but if it's less than 85-90% of what I want, it's not going to happen.

I will say that I am judgmental of folks who would do anything to avoid being alone as far as a relationship goes.  There is a poster on the forums that I will not name here.  From everything she writes, you can tell just how terrified she would be if her husband left her.  Co-dependent beyond words to the point that I have very little, if any interest in what she has to say.  (Though she'll give relationship advice which makes Me chuckle to no end.)  I absolutely couldn't stand Myself if I was that motivated by fear.


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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/8/2010 7:12:11 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'd be curious to see the journal entry that you are referring to, Lockit.  From what you say here, I have a few thoughts on the matter.

Truthfully, when folks bring those kinds of statements up, they are hoping people will settle for less than what they want.  The reasons for the remarks in the first place is that they know that there isn't anyone who is willing to settle for them.  They know they aren't able to get someone in their life as they are.  Rather than making some self improvements to be a more compatible partner (the things they can control), the line of thinking is that the standards of others is too high.  When it comes down to it, there are a lot of things that are out of our control (age being a good example) but there are always areas where we can improve.  When people talk about they want others to settle, I'm usually hearing the underlying message of that person isn't really doing much in the self improvement department.

As you know, I'm not single.  At the same time, I spend durations where we don't live in the same location.  Anybody who can live a year apart at a time from their spouse isn't afraid of being alone.  The short and sweet of that is, I wouldn't settle just to avoid being on My own.  I don't expect any one person on this planet to meet every possible preference that I might have, but if it's less than 85-90% of what I want, it's not going to happen.

I will say that I am judgmental of folks who would do anything to avoid being alone as far as a relationship goes.  There is a poster on the forums that I will not name here.  From everything she writes, you can tell just how terrified she would be if her husband left her.  Co-dependent beyond words to the point that I have very little, if any interest in what she has to say.  (Though she'll give relationship advice which makes Me chuckle to no end.)  I absolutely couldn't stand Myself if I was that motivated by fear.



I don't recall the thread particularly (there's so many delicious ones here!), but a week or two ago I had the thought that oftentimes it seems as if advice that is given is markedly different depending on whether you are a 'have' or a 'have not'.  I wanted to post to that effect, but didn't at the time because I thought I would sound bitter and/or jealous, which I'm not (particularly).

I think it's difficult, at least for some, to give a straight answer that isn't subjective to one's own situation.  You might be right when you say there is the element of fear.

It seems that relationships these days are a lot like the job market.  Sure, you might not have one today but one little misstep and you're on the outside looking in for the next few months, or years, or who knows when.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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