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D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 12:48:37 AM

sodsta

Posts: 246
Joined: 7/19/2006
From: London, England
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So... D/s and relationship exclusivity. Inspired by this post.

I've noticed that it's actually fairly common in the world of fetish/kink for Dom(me)s to have multiple subs. I'm sure there are plenty of subs who have multiple Tops/Dom(me)s, too, but this doesn't seem quite as prevalent.

I've often wondered why that was, so I found this quote rather interesting:

I'll admit to being one of "those" Dommes who expects exclusivity from a sub (even though I may have more than one at a time), unless he has my permission to see others, too.

I'm not sure why this is... how can I expect exclusivity when/if I don't offer it?

I think I see it as a submissive act to devote oneself to their Dominant... if a sub wants to be free to play around, on his own terms, where is his submission to a particular dominant. It signals to me that a sub may not be interested in the dominant, only in what pleasures she provides him with.

I wonder if that is a common feeling among Dominants, especially those with multiple partners. If exclusivity to one person is seen as a form of devotion/submission, and therefore only required of the submissive partner?

Personally, if I am playing with someone, I will want equal footing as far as exclusivity/non-exclusivity is concerned.

This quote from Twistee sums up my feelings perfectly:

Speaking purely for myself, if I were in a non-exclusive relationship with a Domme, I regard it as fair that I should have the same rights as far as playing with others. If the relationship were to become exclusive, I would be seeking exclusivity on both sides.

I know this isn't the same for everyone, though, and I'm aware that what's "Ok" in any sort of relationship should be what both/all parties have discussed and agreed upon. But I wanted to hear your thoughts on the issue. How important is exclusivity, from either side...?

Post #: 1

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 1:20:19 AM

VaguelyCurious

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Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
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I tend to swing back and forth on this one. I think right now I'd want a veto-I want to know anyone else involved, and I want to like and trust them-but as I tend to end up with people whose judgement I trust I suspect I wouldn't use it much

My feeling is that wiitwd is *so* wide-there is so much stuff I'm not that interested in or don't have expertise in or am just not well suited for that it seems silly to restrict someone if there's other stuff they want to do.

Aside: Twistee is one of my absolute favourite scene people ever. He's a darling

<edited for over-use of the word absolute>

< Message edited by VaguelyCurious -- 8/14/2010 1:22:10 AM >

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 2:08:52 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sodsta

I'll admit to being one of "those" Dommes who expects exclusivity from a sub (even though I may have more than one at a time), unless he has my permission to see others, too.

I'm not sure why this is... how can I expect exclusivity when/if I don't offer it?

It's really a matter of your own principles, conscience and standards - or lack of.... The quote represents a "do as I say, not as I do" kinda person. Not me; the guy in the mirror won't stand for such flaky arrogance and hypocrisy.

To answer your question, since my relationships are monogamous, I guess exclusivity is very important. So are the principles, standards and expectations on show for my sub as well as my mirror.

Focus.

< Message edited by Focus50 -- 8/14/2010 2:11:10 AM >

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 8:44:34 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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As a person who practices polyamory, I don't require exclusivity as far as number of partners is concerned. However, I usually require exclusivity as far as dominant partners goes. Date vanilla folk, date other subs, but don't date anyone who's going to be topping/dominating you. Thou shalt have no other dominants but me! The obvious exception is my husband since he has equal authority in our household.

My primary reason for wanting to be the only dominant in a sub's life comes down to control. My main kink is control, so I don't want anyone else giving orders that might interfere with or countermand mine. If I put a sub in chastity, the last thing I need is for another dominant to violate it. Nor do I want to have to go to the trouble of conferring with another dominant and negotiating with him or her regarding my commands. That feels far too much like having to ask permission and I refuse to do that in my D/s relationships.

This doesn't mean I have or want to have a stable of s-types. I enjoy having more than one, but I don't take them on without discussing it with my other partners first. If one of the subs had a problem with someone I picked, I want to know about it and know why. It's possible they are seeing something I'm not, so I want the benefit of their POV. I also show my devotion to my partners in other ways besides exclusivity.

There is only one person for whom I've ever bent the "no other dominants" rule, but I know her master and he's like family. So far, it's working, though it still feels odd. But I've had a crush on her for years so I'd be stupid not to try.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 9:04:13 AM

laurell3

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Although the vast majority of my D/s relationships have been open ones, looking back on them the concept of having more than one dominant messing with my head is a rather unpleasant one. It just really doesn't work for me as a submissive and more importantly, a masochist, to be emotionally involved with more than one person on that level.

However, I do not have a problem with the concept of a relationship being open on one side if it is agreed upon and the parameters are such that the outside interactions don't interfere with my relationship and the communication about what is going on is open and honest. I will not ever agree to a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

I don't have a problem with exclusivity either.

It really pretty much boils down what works for both of us. People either tend to fall rather strongly in one camp or another in my opinion. Apparently I'm an odd campless one.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 8/14/2010 9:07:40 AM >

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 9:11:55 AM

Jeffff

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I am strongly in the exclusivity club.

I do not have the personality to share my woman or my limited resources in a relationship.

I have however, been up for a hot weekend in the past...:)

< Message edited by Jeffff -- 8/14/2010 9:12:45 AM >

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 9:26:02 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Sylvere answered this question very much as I would have in her first three paragraphs. It is exactly the authority factor that swings the balance. It even matches very much in My thinking as to why My husband and I do not share submissives. In My dynamics, I am the final authority. It's not a sharing of control.

Anybody who came to Me and said, "if you want multiple subs, I want equal rights and want multiple Dominants," would pretty much be told you go right on out and find some. It was really nice knowing you.

As far as topping and bottoming go, I'm a lot more open. I don't consider Myself the best of the best in every kind of play. If My slave comes to Me and asks if he may have permission to play with someone else, chances are that he's going to receive permission. That is completely dependent on the experience level of the top in question. (I don't allow him to play with folks for target practice and the like.) It's still going to be under My rules because I am the person in authority.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 9:40:49 AM

SylvereApLeanan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I don't consider Myself the best of the best in every kind of play. If My slave comes to Me and asks if he may have permission to play with someone else, chances are that he's going to receive permission. That is completely dependent on the experience level of the top in question.

I'm going to amend my previous post to include this caveat. GMTA.

There are certain types of play, such as florentine flogging, that I can't do because of physical limitations. There are others, like single tail whips, with which I have no experience and which would require time to learn. So, if my s-type wants to experience one of those things, and there's another top I know I can trust available, then I'd not only give permission for my sub to play, I'd probably encourage it.

Again, it's about the control. A scene at a play party or other event is still done under my authority, so it's not interfering with my dynamic.

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Post #: 8

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 10:42:53 AM

myotherself

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From: The cold bit of the UK
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I very much go for the "exclusivity on both sides" kind of relationship. I'm looking for (hopefully) a long-term or life partner, and my mind isn't wired to poly.

Having said that, I wouldn't mind if there was play with other subs or doms, as long as both sides were present throughout and there was no sex involved (oral or penetrative). That can be fun, and it helps in learning new techniques.

However for me, the control side of the relationship is exclusive to one man - I don't have time for more!

And I would expect than a dominant partner would want only to control me, not dilute his attention with other subs.

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Post #: 9

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 2:09:52 PM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I have been fine with my subs PLAYING with others with my prior clearance---actually, I encourage it! It's easy to get stale or annoyed with someone, and there is that other issue of stuff I don't really *enjoy*. Electrical play bores me silly, so I have no problem letting an electro fan play with someone else.

I cannot share AUTHORITY with anyone outside my household, though. Heard that a few posts ago, right?

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 2:14:13 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
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I prefer my subs/slaves to submit only to me, regardless of if I allow them to play or have other relationships with others. I'm to be their only dominant.

For me it's about role and rank having privileges. It's another difference, among many, of what we're allowed to do that emphasises our relationship structure.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 2:14:31 PM

AlexandraLynch

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I don't share authority except very occasionally with my husband. But he and I think as one so often that this isn't a problem for either of us. But one of my subs right now is starting to date a girl, and I am thrilled; I know he's looking for the white picket fence with a dungeon in the basement, and I would love to help him find that.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 2:17:52 PM

BKSir

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Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
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Being in a poly relationship household it can be a little different for me, but, I do expect exclusivity within the household. Period. If I want to have "quality time" with M. OR my pet, not AND, so be it. If M and the pet want that, great... although I'd much rather be there as well. ;)

If one of us wants to do something outside of the household, well... too damned bad. You knew the deal coming in, and it's not changing. Not for M., not for pet, not for me.

I like to think I'm pretty easy to work with, and fairly open to compromise on most things, sure. But some things, no. Not at all. This is one of them. Accidents can happen, and bad bad things can end up out of them. I know where I have been, I know where M. has been, I know where my pet has been. I do NOT know where Random Joe Whipguy has been or carries, and I am NOT going to take that chance.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 2:22:37 PM

PeanutTigerinBox

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Personally I prefer to be exclusively with my Dom once we would reach the stage to be that committet...however, I am aware of it that Mr. A at times demands his slave to please others too which includes sexually (he also expected that from his ex and that would be the case if we would move on). Therefore he does not want his slave to be exclusively for him and he isn't poly either. For him it is about that she does whatever he wants and that part means a lot to him to ensure she remembers her place and what she is there for (something like that was his explanation).

< Message edited by PeanutTigerinBox -- 8/14/2010 2:23:46 PM >

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/14/2010 4:22:59 PM

sweetsub1957

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~FR~
I've seen a lot of the one Dominant gets multiple subs/slaves but not the other way around. In a way, I don't think of that as "fair," yet I would not want to submit to more than One. I expect on my part to have devotion and faithfulness to my Dominant & I think being devoted to only one is part of that. It would be confusing to me to serve more than one Dom/me.....what if They had conflicting wishes/orders? As far as multiple s-types goes, I just would not want to see or hear the intimate stuff that goes on between "my" Dominant and her. Am I weird?

~sweetsub~

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/19/2010 10:42:31 PM

undergroundsea

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From: Austin, TX
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For some people the inequality in access to other partners is a way to express their respective roles. For some people, one-sided exclusivity conflicts with their concept of an exclusive relationship, or falls outside the types of inequality that works for them. I identify with the latter type. I have had multiple, simultaneous non-exclusive relationships with dommes and they can work. In general, how far one goes in submission depends on the dynamic. If one domme is a primary partner, it becomes the same as poly relationships with a primary partner--in addition to personal boundaries there are boundaries defined collectively for sake of the primary relationship.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/20/2010 8:26:02 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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I'm poly and share a cooperative household with other dominant members. It's how I started out on my own journey on this path, and it feels right for me. I've always been poly by nature, even when I chose a 'traditional' marriage for a while (yes, my husband knew -before- we tied the knot, along with all the possible permutations of what could happen). I believe that my servants are dedicated to me for myself, and I don't need to compel them to abstain from service to anyone -else- to prove that to them or to me. I am fortunate in having a household where the dominant members work synchronously, even if we have broadly different styles of dominance, and where the household rules maintain a baseline standard which we were all able to agree to.

That is something that I would ask of any submissive individual who wished to yield to me, and who had another dominant partner that xhe was active with -- I would want to meet the other dominant party (or at least speak to hir at length via chat, phone, etc.), and assure that we were on the same page about basic requirements, and about how to handle things like disciplines that extended between our shared time.

In the same way that I have no issue with multiple dominant parties in a household, I also have no issue with multiple servants in a household. Sure, it's complex this way -- but complexity can be beautiful, challenging, and exciting if everyone is committed to the process and willing to stay committed when things get a little hairy.

Calla

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/20/2010 8:29:57 AM

DesFIP

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Personally I'm monogamous.

But if the dominant has multiple subs, that means any one of them will be alone most of the time. Even if they don't submit to others, they ought to be allowed to be topped by others, and to have fwb's. There are other ways to scratch your itch than a power relationship.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/20/2010 5:39:09 PM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
It's really a matter of your own principles, conscience and standards - or lack of.... The quote represents a "do as I say, not as I do" kinda person. Not me; the guy in the mirror won't stand for such flaky arrogance and hypocrisy.

Ain't hypocrisy terrible? He is subject to spankings and floggings if he misbehaves, or at my whim, and I am not. I'm dominant, and he's submissive. Oh, the inequality of it. *swoons dramatically with her hand to her forehead*

The mono/poly relationship, where one person has the liberty to choose additional partners and the other is owned and has more restricted liberties, certainly has the potential for abuse and implosion into drama if it's not handled well. It's also one of the legitimate corollaries to having a power exchange relationship where the partners are not equal in power or decision making ability.

In theory, I'm the dominant so I do what I want. In practice, I would not particularly want to play with or date anyone who did not get along well with my existing partners, and I sure as hell would not add anyone to my poly family on a more intimate level without a lot of slow going and communication on all fronts, taking the time to make very sure that everyone was okay before proceeding. No piece of ass, no matter how hot, is worth adding drama to my home life.

I own my boys. I can lend them out if I like, and I do, especially when they've expressed a positive interest in a play situation with someone else. But as the dominant, it's my call, not theirs. One of my partners does have other partners, and as long as they respect that he is owned and that he must play only within strict safety boundaries, I'm good with that. Ultimately it's up to me whether they get to go and play, but I'm generally more interested in supporting their healthy outside relationships than in playing power games that involve my partner's partners, who don't necessarily consent to be topped by me.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/20/2010 7:19:01 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I'm not going to quote LNT in her entirety, but I have to say that I agree with the spirit of her post. I may have disagreed if I felt in any way that the methods that are used were unscrupulous in some way. They aren't. How this works is completely on the table up front. This isn't a case of promised monogamy, and then, once the collar goes on, the rules get changed. Let's not forget that every submissive who went into the situation such as Mine and LNT's, knew what the situation was and willingly entered it. Ergo, My first reply on this thread. If it wasn't acceptable, that person has every right to find a dynamic they where they feel they have greater compatibility.

If I wanted an (additional) equal relationship, rather than an authority dynamic, I'd get one. In My view, that is not what I'm doing here.

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Post #: 20

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