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Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 5:05:09 PM

subforherMaster

Posts: 25
Joined: 7/4/2010
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to refuse an activity that is on the fringe of a limit? Sir and I have spoken at length about limits. He has none, i have a few. Sir is well aware that scat is a limit for His girl. To me this includes ass to mouth, He sees it differently. Sir recently tried to have me follow through on some "ass to mouth" activity and i politely refused. Afterward i was quite worried but He said repeatedly that He was not disappointed and that He was not angered by my refusal. Sir knows i am very hard on myself if i disappoint Him. I could see that He was frustrated sexually but not beyond that. My question to any Dom/Master is: Would this be viewed by You as un-sub-like? Or are You as understanding when trying to push the limits of Your sub? If so, how do You show that You are not disappointed, or angered?

Post #: 1

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 5:20:53 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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Drop it.

He tried it and you refused. He saw that you were worried and he reassured you. Repeatedly. Now you're coming here.

I would be a little frustrated if refused, but I'd get over it. But if my sub refused to move past it, and kept bringing it up, I'd be irate at it.

I'm not sure how to convey the lack of disappointment or anger. I'd simply not show the symptoms of disappointment or anger. Not something to look for, rather the lack thereof.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to subforherMaster)

Post #: 2

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 5:32:58 PM

subforherMaster

Posts: 25
Joined: 7/4/2010
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DarkSteven...Please do not misunderstand. Sir and His girl are fine. There is no issue. He is not disappointed or angry, and i know this completely. The question is simply how other Doms/Masters see and/or handle this type of thing.

(in reply to subforherMaster)

Post #: 3

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 5:38:49 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
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~FR~
Daddy might try to push that limit but, if I said "No" (as I would too), He wouldn't be disappointed. But that's part of what Dom/mes do, is push limits.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to subforherMaster)

Post #: 4

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 5:47:41 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

How nice that Sir has no limits; you do. If you discussed it as a hard limit, that is what it is.

I don't think something is "un-sub" like. There are things one will do and things one will not do. Sub or not.

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

Post #: 5

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 5:52:50 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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I agree with sexyred. This isn't an issue of being submissive or not (although I have to tell you honestly I would have the same question and concerns and have thought this way too). This is an issue of you putting defined parameters on what you need to be safe. Reinforcing those parameters makes you a healthy adult. Role is not relevant, nor should it be to that decision. Let it go. You did what what right for you and you always have the first responsiblity that is never abdicated to make sure that you are safe as far as I'm concerned.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 6

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 6:57:53 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

for our relationship it would be un-slave-like since when I entered into a relationship with him my limits were his limits and I gave my consent once. What he says is law. I do it or I have the option to walk. This was discussed before we ever got together the first time.

Now in your relationship if you both discussed you had the right to say no then that's something you both have to learn to live with. If you said no and he was ok with it then you both just move on with your lives together.

Just let it go and move on.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 7

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 7:09:48 PM

subforherMaster

Posts: 25
Joined: 7/4/2010
Status: offline

Once again i am not asking "what should i do?" There relationship between Sir and myself is wonderful. He and i both have moved forward from this and will continue to do so in the future. My question is only: Would this be viewed by You as un-sub-like? Or are You as understanding when trying to push the limits of Your sub? If so, how do You show that You are not disappointed, or angered?

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 8

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 7:12:41 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

Its not unsublike to have limitations, its not unsublike to not wish to have things that can cause you harm. I understand your feeling of disappointment for not being able to do what was asked of you. but its never un -term- like, because you cant or you wont morally go somewhere.

(in reply to subforherMaster)

Post #: 9

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 7:15:47 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subforherMaster

Once again i am not asking "what should i do?" There relationship between Sir and myself is wonderful. He and i both have moved forward from this and will continue to do so in the future. My question is only: Would this be viewed by You as un-sub-like? Or are You as understanding when trying to push the limits of Your sub? If so, how do You show that You are not disappointed, or angered?

I do see everyone here answering that question. I'm confused on how you see it otherwise. The s-types are only answering the first part of your question most likely because it's the that's the only one we have perspective on.

Honestly from my standpoint if he tried to push a limit that I hadn't already verbally acquiesed on repeatedly I would tell him to knock it the fuck off and he was being an idiot without much regard for whether he viewed that as submissive or not. Role doesn't extend to me saying I need to be safe and you need to adhere to what I believe is safe for me. That is what limits are. UNLESS you really aren't holding on to this as a limit and it's just an activity that you have difficulty with and I've done that too and can certainly identify with that. (as an aside I totally blame Aileen for this too! the cunt!)

Also, I really don't get asking us if it's un-sub like, hell there are guys on this board that will tell you all sorts of things are un-sub like, that are clearly unrealistic. If you are really worried about this being a role issue, the only two people that define roles in your relationship are you and him imo.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 8/15/2010 7:30:02 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to subforherMaster)

Post #: 10

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 7:23:06 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

And I did try to answer the second part of OP's question but I found it hard to say how I would convey the lack of something.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 11

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 7:36:51 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

Steven I think shes coming to the feeling, that she shouldnt have said no and feels bad for saying no and she wants to know if saying no is okay, and most seem to just say move on from this situation.

If saying no is causing a problem every time she says no is going to cause this sort of problem with the feeling of doubts, from the way i read it she wants reassurance that is is okay to say no I dont want to do that or i cant do that with out the world ending.

OP if your dom gives you the vibe that hes having an issue with the situation ask to sit down and talk to him, say look I really feel bad for saying no when you ask for, it makes me feel.... and ask him to explain his reasoning.

If he asks for things over and over you know you can not do then you guys arent as compatible as you think you are and it might be time to re-evaluate.

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 12

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 8:12:29 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

It's preferable you act this way subforhermaster.

If you weren't telling him what you aren't willing to do and went along, you would be sitting there miserable, but not in a good way. And then he'll have no way of assuring your happiness, which is what a good dominant should do.

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 13

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 8:54:58 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

But that's part of what Dom/mes do, is push limits.

some do, some don't... I prefer the kind that don't

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

Post #: 14

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 10:03:39 PM

RedStapler

Posts: 62
Joined: 6/15/2010
From: New Jersey
Status: offline

I think that part of the whole relationship process (and it is a PROCESS) is learning each other's likes and dislikes, exploring each other's boundaries, and even testing those limits. A Dom should never get upset if he's venturing into a gray area or uncharted territory and bumps up against a sub's limit. He should treat it as a learning experience that will improve the relationship going forward.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 15

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/15/2010 10:08:39 PM

Zevar

Posts: 801
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subforherMaster

to refuse an activity that is on the fringe of a limit? Sir and I have spoken at length about limits. He has none, i have a few. Sir is well aware that scat is a limit for His girl. To me this includes ass to mouth, He sees it differently. Sir recently tried to have me follow through on some "ass to mouth" activity and i politely refused. Afterward i was quite worried but He said repeatedly that He was not disappointed and that He was not angered by my refusal. Sir knows i am very hard on myself if i disappoint Him. I could see that He was frustrated sexually but not beyond that. My question to any Dom/Master is: Would this be viewed by You as un-sub-like? Or are You as understanding when trying to push the limits of Your sub? If so, how do You show that You are not disappointed, or angered?

Greetings:

From my viewpoint it is simple. I respect the term NO to mean just that. NO! I am not angered or disappointed when NO is the answer. Instead I am pleased as when a lady feels safe enough to tell me NO this is an indicator that a bond of trust is intact. I would never protest a bond of trust. When mutual respect is exchanged in a relationship, regardless what the boundary/limit is, therein is an opportunity to deepen in a intimate bond of trust and love. In every instance I prefer this to anything else, regardless.

Take good care!

(in reply to subforherMaster)

Post #: 16

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/16/2010 12:07:05 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subforherMaster

to refuse an activity that is on the fringe of a limit? Sir and I have spoken at length about limits. He has none, i have a few. Sir is well aware that scat is a limit for His girl. To me this includes ass to mouth, He sees it differently. Sir recently tried to have me follow through on some "ass to mouth" activity and i politely refused. Afterward i was quite worried but He said repeatedly that He was not disappointed and that He was not angered by my refusal. Sir knows i am very hard on myself if i disappoint Him. I could see that He was frustrated sexually but not beyond that. My question to any Dom/Master is: Would this be viewed by You as un-sub-like? Or are You as understanding when trying to push the limits of Your sub? If so, how do You show that You are not disappointed, or angered?

The bigger issue brewing (IMO) is his lack of repect for a known limit. Yeah, it's ok to push limits, many subs even welcome it, but there must surely come a point where it dawns on his ego-centric self that this really *IS* a limit for you.

If he wants his arse kissed so much, encourage him to run for public office where there's always a small support army of glad-handers and general hangers-on looking to hitch a ride....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to subforherMaster)

Post #: 17

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/16/2010 3:55:16 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Why do you care about how other dominants might react? The only one you need to concern yourself with already told you to drop it.

Some dominants are asses who would blow a fuse at being denied anything, hard limit or not. Others would realize later that what they wanted was firmly on a no-go list and apologize for it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 18

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/16/2010 4:33:02 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

If you have enough respect to honor and enforce your own limits, then you have the capacity to truly honor somebody else. It is excelently sub-like. Good for you!

Put another way, zero times anything is still zero. Don't be a zero.

(in reply to subforherMaster)

Post #: 19

RE: Is it un-sub-like... - 8/16/2010 6:00:41 AM

texangael

Posts: 167
Joined: 12/14/2009
Status: offline

quote:

My question to any Dom/Master is: Would this be viewed by You as un-sub-like?

What is "un-sub-like" in your behavior is you not taking Sir at his word.

He says he is at peace with your refusal to cross that line. Accept that he is, and rejoice in that.

_____________________________

"Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no Try."
Corny movie cliche that just happens to be true.

(in reply to subforherMaster)

Post #: 20

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