Why do relationships fail?

Why do relationships fail? (Full Version)

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gungadin09 -> Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 8:54:48 PM)
i am basically plagiarizing this idea from another thread. Someone asked, what is the driving force behind a successful relationship? Do relationships succeed because of WHO WE ARE, or is it because of SOMETHING WE DO or don't do? Can you quantify a successful relationship? Can you say, this relationship works because my partner does such-and-such a thing, this many times a week, or refrains from doing this? The majority of posters seemed to think that our relationships succeed because of WHO WE ARE; that affection (love?), respect, and good communication skills are all that's required to keep a relationship going. But is this true? i think many people would say that they don't engage in a relationship that isn't founded on love and respect. i think that most people recognise the importance of good communication. If those things are enough, then why do relationships fail? i think there must be a breaking point for every relationship. i think there must be a point at which a person's patience for pet peeves becomes so strained that affection/love isn't enough to hold the relationship together anymore. Why else do relationships fail, even when two people still love each other? i think these types of problems all fall under the blanket term of "compatibility". i wanted peace and quiet, and he talked to much. He wanted sex all the time, and i didn't. He wanted to go out, i wanted to stay in. She doesn't like the way that i dress, the way that i look, the way that i act. i'm a flirt; that's just the way i am. It's harmless, but he can't accept that. ETC. My hypothesis is this: most relationships fail because of problems with compatibility. At what point does WHO SOMEONE IS become different than WHAT THEY DO? Or, are those two things really the same? i mean, love is great. We all LOVE love. But is there a point at which love is not enough? pam

juliaoceania -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 9:03:32 PM)
I am going to say something that is probably going to be fairly unpopular, but I think it is a combination of many things that cannot be reduced to some magical recipe of success or failure. Some of the success of a relationship is just dumb blind luck of encountering the right person at the right time. Some of the failure is being unlucky.. I used to cater parties, and I asked this old guy what the secret was behind his 50 year marriage, and I will never forget his answer... "we were lucky, neither one of us fell out of love at the same time"... meaning that when one person wasn't feeling it, the other person made up the difference.... I dug his answer

BoiJen -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 9:05:53 PM)
....fuck

alatheia -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 9:14:32 PM)
As juliaoceania pointed out, I also believe a good relationship remains as such due to a combination of different things. Love by itself is not enough, same for communication and the like. As to compatibility, some things you can see coming and those are the ones that need to be thought of before committing to someone and others things will always remain unexpected and it might be pure luck whether we come across them or not. From what i see, most people dont take enough time to get to know their future "partner" or they just dont know what they want. Something as mundane as "how the toilet paper roll should be" (one of my pet peeves lol) will be blown out of proportion when the relationship is just not working. At that point, most things will tick you off. No one ends a relationship for a pet peeve..... Most people dont wake up one day and realize theyre not compatible with their partner, they already know this and were just trying to make it work with what they had. Sometimes it works, sometimes it ends up like the op said. Thats just my opinion though.

TreasureKY -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 9:29:10 PM)
I'm going to agree with Julia's answer and add my take on it. I think a mutual commitment to stick with it is needed... not just a one time oath of "till death do us part", but an ongoing and active goal to look for and reinforce the positive while seeking to eliminate the negative where reasonable. Within ourselves, that is. You cannot change another person... only yourself, how you act, and how you react. I can't emphasize enough that this should be a joint effort. Partnerships consist of two people and both need to be responsible for the relationship as a whole and their role within it. When one of the partners gives up or allows the other partner to carry the load... that's when relationships that could have succeeded, fail.

juliaoceania -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 9:31:48 PM)
Damn...I thought I was going to stir up a controversy [:D]

Twoshoes -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 9:40:20 PM)
Here you go julia: Cause I'm 22 and I'm desperately afraid of commitement. Also, I don't do well in relationships where I have to adhere to alot of demands. If that doesn't start you a controversy, I don't know what will..

Icarys -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 9:43:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gungadin09 i am basically plagiarizing this idea from another thread. Someone asked, what is the driving force behind a successful relationship? Do relationships succeed because of WHO WE ARE, or is it because of SOMETHING WE DO or don't do? Can you quantify a successful relationship? Can you say, this relationship works because my partner does such-and-such a thing, this many times a week, or refrains from doing this? The majority of posters seemed to think that our relationships succeed because of WHO WE ARE; that affection (love?), respect, and good communication skills are all that's required to keep a relationship going. But is this true? i think many people would say that they don't engage in a relationship that isn't founded on love and respect. i think that most people recognise the importance of good communication. If those things are enough, then why do relationships fail? i think there must be a breaking point for every relationship. i think there must be a point at which a person's patience for pet peeves becomes so strained that affection/love isn't enough to hold the relationship together anymore. Why else do relationships fail, even when two people still love each other? i think these types of problems all fall under the blanket term of "compatibility". i wanted peace and quiet, and he talked to much. He wanted sex all the time, and i didn't. He wanted to go out, i wanted to stay in. She doesn't like the way that i dress, the way that i look, the way that i act. i'm a flirt; that's just the way i am. It's harmless, but he can't accept that. ETC. My hypothesis is this: most relationships fail because of problems with compatibility. At what point does WHO SOMEONE IS become different than WHAT THEY DO? Or, are those two things really the same? pam I think most people say they understand what makes a relationship work but most don't understand what those things really are and what they mean or how to carry them out in their own relationships. I also believe that most get into relationships that aren't for the "right reasons"...Looking for financial stability may lead one to look over someone's other bad habits because they are a "good provider". etc etc... Most will probably disagree that they would do such a thing but if we believe that compatibility is the best way to go about looking for a mate then how is it so many wind up being incompatible. I learned long ago about what I wanted and what I needed for a good mate were opposing forces for me. Now I look for what fits my personality, desires, future and present interests. If they don't fit then they/I must quit. Your ending statement rings true for me.

TreasureKY -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 9:43:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Twoshoes Here you go julia: Cause I'm 22 and I'm desperately afraid of commitement. Also, I don't do well in relationships where I have to adhere to alot of demands. If that doesn't start you a controversy, I don't know what will.. Here's an easy answer for you... When you are ready to make a commitment, you won't find it hard at all. Before then, don't worry about it. Just remember... relationships take work. Most of that work is on ourselves.

alatheia -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 9:44:41 PM)
quote: I can't emphasize enough that this should be a joint effort. Partnerships consist of two people and both need to be responsible for the relationship as a whole and their role within it. When one of the partners gives up or allows the other partner to carry the load... that's when relationships that could have succeeded, fail. This!

Icarys -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 9:48:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TreasureKY quote: ORIGINAL: Twoshoes Here you go julia: Cause I'm 22 and I'm desperately afraid of commitement. Also, I don't do well in relationships where I have to adhere to alot of demands. If that doesn't start you a controversy, I don't know what will.. Here's an easy answer for you... When you are ready to make a commitment, you won't find it hard at all. Before then, don't worry about it. Just remember... relationships take work. Most of that work is on ourselves. This I would agree with to a point. I've been in relationships that felt easy and as natural as rain..Didn't feel like work very much.

RedStapler -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 10:07:44 PM)
quote: This I would agree with to a point. I've been in relationships that felt easy and as natural as rain..Didn't feel like work very much. If that is the case, then what happened? If you don't mind my asking. Those relationships must have ended for a reason.

Icarys -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 10:35:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedStapler quote: This I would agree with to a point. I've been in relationships that felt easy and as natural as rain..Didn't feel like work very much. If that is the case, then what happened? If you don't mind my asking. Those relationships must have ended for a reason. I made mistakes.

Twoshoes -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/15/2010 11:09:16 PM)
Thank you for the kind words.

DesFIP -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 4:20:31 AM)
Recognizing the importance of good communication does not mean you are capable of it. Most people aren't. Most people aren't capable of listening, instead they prepare their defense instead of accepting that the other person has the right to feel that way. Not to mention that for most people love is selfish, they don't want you to feel bad about what they did because you being angry or upset is a pain for them, they don't actually plan to ever not do what they want because they know it hurts you.

Aneirin -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 6:25:25 AM)
Why do relationships fail, well communication and there lack of is a good answer, but that is not it in it's entirety, as communication can still exist, but what is communicated may change over time, people grow up and sometimes grow apart, I believe it is natural and so should not be fought as fighting leads to failure of either person to develop to their potential. I say this, as it is my belief that people come together to form relationships bcause that person, or each person has something the other person needs, something on a deeper level than simple mechanical activities, perhaps something the spirit wants to give or receive, communicate with another spirit for despite my lack of definable religious conviction, I do believe the body is just a vehicle for something attached to us or in us, the 22g perhaps. Perhaps it is as humans we are meant to communicate with our own kind, not the own kind that anthropology dictates or even it's associated negativity; racism, class , religion etc, all the human vanity bullshit, but our own kind as to what we are for undecipherable reasons attracted to in other people. To illustrate, those that have a particular penchant for red hair, blonde, brunette, pale skin, mid tone skin, dark skin, whatever difference, that attraction we can define no logic for except for the fact that something in us, the chemistry perhaps recognises one of our own kind and needs to direct the human vehicle to make contact as I am guessing the 22g needs communication with that other container. As to relationship breaking down, well nothing lasts for ever that is nature and chaos must ensue for creation to begin, could it be a relationship is a data exchange, which when finished seeks more input from elsewhere, perhaps more answers to questions created via the last interface. As to the successful long term relationships where they exist together in harmony for many years or even life, that could simply be a case of rate of information exchange, an analogue audio tape compared to firewire, an older 22g as opposed to a younger 22g, the old soul/young soul hypothesis.

LaTigresse -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 7:15:59 AM)
I think relationships fail largely because of unrealistic expectations (ignoring red flags and thinking we can 'fix' people is a no no) and the inability to communicate our expectations. Add a lack of personal responsibility and you have the perfect recipe for relationship doom. I like what Will Smith and his wife have said when asked about the longevity (in Hollywood years) of their marriage. "We made divorce not an option." That is very similar to what GD and I have done. Sometimes, I think we need to be more open to evolving a relationship rather than ending it. It's worked for me anyway.

GreedyTop -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 10:40:27 AM)
~FR~ because people are people. the hearts and flowers rarely last forever.

sexyred1 -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 10:45:23 AM)
Love is not enough. Compatibility and sexual chemistry is not enough. Fantastic sex is not enough. Amazing BDSM is not enough. Being commited to the relationship working so that you both compromise when needed and you both LISTEN to the other, that is more apt to make a long term thing work. Liking your partner is more important than loving them. And yes, Julia, LUCK is a very under perceived important factor. Luck is critical.

Musicmystery -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 11:10:34 AM)
quote: Why do relationships fail? People expect perfection or nothing. Not hard to see where that's heading. If you expected perfection from your friends, friendships would fail too.

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