RE: Why do relationships fail?

RE: Why do relationships fail? (Full Version)

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thatsub -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 11:37:48 AM)
I believe that when you love someone and care deeply about them, you will do things to keep relationship going and compensate for any of your shortcomings. As such, love and emotions ("Who we are") will result in "What we do", making them both one and the same. My theory is that when you care about someone you will make excuses for all of their mistakes - they can't do wrong by you. And when you fall out of love, every small thing will start to irritate you, eventually leading to the break up...unless the other person is strong enough to compensate for your lack of feelings until you fall in love again.

Lucienne -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 11:43:10 AM)
FR Define "fail." I think we tend to assume that a relationship fails at the same time that it ends. I don't think it's that simple. Sometimes relationships fail and then are repurposed (in both healthy and unhealthy ways). Failure is also determined by your definition of success. I've been in a relationship with a guy for over a year that has been a fantastic success by the terms that we have designed. He'll be moving soon, and it will end, but I won't think of it as a failure. In a fucked up sort of way, it's pretty easily the healthiest relationship I've ever had, in part because we never kidded ourselves that we were meant to go the distance.

sexyred1 -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 11:44:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thatsub I believe that when you love someone and care deeply about them, you will do things to keep relationship going and compensate for any of your shortcomings. As such, love and emotions ("Who we are") will result in "What we do", making them both one and the same. My theory is that when you care about someone you will make excuses for all of their mistakes - they can't do wrong by you. And when you fall out of love, every small thing will start to irritate you, eventually leading to the break up...unless the other person is strong enough to compensate for your lack of feelings until you fall in love again. I have issue with the bolded part. When you are in love, you should not make excuses for all of your partner's mistakes. That is just delusional. There is a huge difference between defending your partner, giving them tough love when needed and turning a blind eye to their mistakes. When I say mistakes, some people will not see red flags that are clear indicators that things are going very wrong. I know, I used to do that and say, oh he will change, blah blah blah. No, I think if you are in love with someone and they make a mistake you need to tell them about it, nicely of course, especially if it affects you. If you do not, and just expect it to change, you will be waiting a long time. If you do and they still do not change the behavior that is hurting you, that is a warning sign that this may not be the relationship you signed up for.

PeanutTigerinBox -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 11:46:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Musicmystery quote: Why do relationships fail? People expect perfection or nothing. Not hard to see where that's heading. If you expected perfection from your friends, friendships would fail too. Very well said [:)] One guy I was dating with it could have worked IMO, however he appeared to expect a person fitting himself like a sock a foot...and that's just not gonna happen. It requires work and sometimes people aren't bothered to do their part on it as well. I also like the answer from LaTigresse quote: like what Will Smith and his wife have said when asked about the longevity (in Hollywood years) of their marriage. "We made divorce not an option." That is very similar to what GD and I have done. Sometimes, I think we need to be more open to evolving a relationship rather than ending it. It's worked for me anyway. as that's how I see the relationship my grandparents had. Many women would have left my grandpa in his last 10 years as he was awful with his alcohol problems and nasty behaviour linked to it...however, she stood to her words to stay with him not only in good times but also in bad/difficult times, and that's the part many people seem to forget these days. I like to say where sunshine is is also shadow....you can't have only the good days...

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 11:46:41 AM)
Okay, I am agreeing WAY too much with Sexyred today. [:D]

thatsub -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 1:01:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 quote: ORIGINAL: thatsub I believe that when you love someone and care deeply about them, you will do things to keep relationship going and compensate for any of your shortcomings. As such, love and emotions ("Who we are") will result in "What we do", making them both one and the same. My theory is that when you care about someone you will make excuses for all of their mistakes - they can't do wrong by you. And when you fall out of love, every small thing will start to irritate you, eventually leading to the break up...unless the other person is strong enough to compensate for your lack of feelings until you fall in love again. I have issue with the bolded part. When you are in love, you should not make excuses for all of your partner's mistakes. That is just delusional. There is a huge difference between defending your partner, giving them tough love when needed and turning a blind eye to their mistakes. When I say mistakes, some people will not see red flags that are clear indicators that things are going very wrong. I know, I used to do that and say, oh he will change, blah blah blah. No, I think if you are in love with someone and they make a mistake you need to tell them about it, nicely of course, especially if it affects you. If you do not, and just expect it to change, you will be waiting a long time. If you do and they still do not change the behavior that is hurting you, that is a warning sign that this may not be the relationship you signed up for. It is easy one to call it a "mistake" or a "shortcoming" after the fact, after you broke up, after you don't love any more, after other people told you for the hundredth time that you were blind all along. However, when you are truly in love, you are blind to those things and your partner is perfect. Once you notice those "mistakes", you are no longer in love. I hope this makes more sense.

tiggerspoohbear -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 1:37:01 PM)
My parents were married 50 yrs before my mom passed away, I never understood what kept them together, they were polar opposites in every sense. But they made it work regardless. Same for my sister, married for 20 yrs before she lost her husband late last year, not so much opposites but he was rigid in his opinions and she was easier going. They made it work. Both my mom and brother-in-law passed away due to horrible illnesses, at no point would my dad or my sister have left either one of them. As for me? I wear my heart on my sleeve and hook up with guys that aren't or rather haven't been good for me in the past. This time, we both know what we want, we value the same things and both know that we're going to have to work hard at it. Or else, it just won't end up well. Relationships fail because they don't succeed. Be it falling out of love, lack of compatibility, tale your pick of 100's of other reasons.

laurell3 -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 3:14:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Icarys quote: ORIGINAL: RedStapler quote: This I would agree with to a point. I've been in relationships that felt easy and as natural as rain..Didn't feel like work very much. If that is the case, then what happened? If you don't mind my asking. Those relationships must have ended for a reason. I made mistakes. But THAT is the test and true measure of relationships. It's easy to say I accept them for what they are, but how often do we really mean it? How often are people really committed to being able to let go of mistakes and help a partner move past it? THAT is the work and where relationships fail in my opinion. Yes, there are idiotic things that happen that should make relationships fail, some mistakes destroy relationships and are impossible to get past, but I just see so many announcements of intolerance declaring SO much to be an insurmountable mistake it makes me wonder. I do agree that some of it is blind luck and much of it is compatibility and honestly sometimes it just happens that you wake up one day and realize that you are no longer in love and you cannot get it back. Thinking in similar patterns, having similar viewpoints on many things and being able to share those does go a long way towards building the foundation of a relationship.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 3:15:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thatsub quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 quote: ORIGINAL: thatsub I believe that when you love someone and care deeply about them, you will do things to keep relationship going and compensate for any of your shortcomings. As such, love and emotions ("Who we are") will result in "What we do", making them both one and the same. My theory is that when you care about someone you will make excuses for all of their mistakes - they can't do wrong by you. And when you fall out of love, every small thing will start to irritate you, eventually leading to the break up...unless the other person is strong enough to compensate for your lack of feelings until you fall in love again. I have issue with the bolded part. When you are in love, you should not make excuses for all of your partner's mistakes. That is just delusional. There is a huge difference between defending your partner, giving them tough love when needed and turning a blind eye to their mistakes. When I say mistakes, some people will not see red flags that are clear indicators that things are going very wrong. I know, I used to do that and say, oh he will change, blah blah blah. No, I think if you are in love with someone and they make a mistake you need to tell them about it, nicely of course, especially if it affects you. If you do not, and just expect it to change, you will be waiting a long time. If you do and they still do not change the behavior that is hurting you, that is a warning sign that this may not be the relationship you signed up for. It is easy one to call it a "mistake" or a "shortcoming" after the fact, after you broke up, after you don't love any more, after other people told you for the hundredth time that you were blind all along. However, when you are truly in love, you are blind to those things and your partner is perfect. Once you notice those "mistakes", you are no longer in love. I hope this makes more sense. Love really ISN'T blind. You can be madly in love with someone IN SPITE of their foibles. Infatuation, lust, THOSE are blind and stupid.

laurell3 -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 3:41:38 PM)
Yep I agree. The "honeymoon phase" may be blind, but I've never been in an ltr where I had any illusion that my partner was perfect and I certainly know I'm not.

juliaoceania -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 3:55:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lucienne FR Define "fail." I think we tend to assume that a relationship fails at the same time that it ends. I don't think it's that simple. Sometimes relationships fail and then are repurposed (in both healthy and unhealthy ways). Failure is also determined by your definition of success. I've been in a relationship with a guy for over a year that has been a fantastic success by the terms that we have designed. He'll be moving soon, and it will end, but I won't think of it as a failure. In a fucked up sort of way, it's pretty easily the healthiest relationship I've ever had, in part because we never kidded ourselves that we were meant to go the distance. I loved this response... Lets face it, most of us have at least had one relationship "failure", and most of us have had multiple relationship "failures". I am sure more than one person posting here will have another relationship "failure" in the future....even with all their sage wisdom about why relationships fail. We are living longer, we have different relational needs than we used to have even a generation ago. Culture has changed, the way we make money has changed, and our nuclear families have changed along with all of that. Most of us will experience large scale shifts in careers, cities we reside in, colleges we attend, and these changes take us far afield from our homes and families of origin... What is a relationship success these days? Maybe it is being able to part as friends without hard feelings when the relationship isn't productive towards our life goals. Perhaps we do need a different definition of relationship success as not being determined by how long it lasts, but how well it lasted? The larger portion of us are serial monogamists, meaning we have more than one intimate relationship in our lifetime and move on to the next when one ends and another begins... maybe we need to look at these relationships not as "failures", but as growth experiences in which for however long we tried to be enriched by another person and to enrich their lives in return. It seems more and more couples are able to do what Demi Moore and Bruce Willis have done, is a "repurposing" of a relationship for the betterment of everyone... I think this might be a trend in the future... Thanks for this post, I got a tremendous amount out of it

CreativeDominant -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 4:05:29 PM)
I'm going to say much the same thing here as I did over on the thread about grudging aftercare. Relationships fail because promises of unconditional love and care and honesty and on and on are easy to make, not so easy to keep. Relationships fail because of differing expectations. Relationships fail because of an inability on one or both partner's parts to communicate fully and...something I think is VERY important...at the right time, all that matters to them. But...in looking at failure, I will echo lucienne. Define failure. I was married to the same woman for 18 yrs, involved with her for 20. We produced two semi-wonderful kids. We took each other to places that we had not been mentally, physically, emotionally, professionally...some of it good, some of it not so good. The marriage ended so yeah, overall...t'was a failure. But certainly not a complete failure.

Twoshoes -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 4:17:04 PM)
Oh, I definately know already that I cannot love someone unconditionally. I know better; the conditions will be there. If things don't work out, I might stick around out of hope, but I won't be loving anyone. quote: ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant But...in looking at failure, I will echo lucienne. Define failure. I was married to the same woman for 18 yrs, involved with her for 20. We produced two semi-wonderful kids. We took each other to places that we had not been mentally, physically, emotionally, professionally...some of it good, some of it not so good. The marriage ended so yeah, overall...t'was a failure. But certainly not a complete failure. I realized not that long ago, that most people see relationships "failing" unless they end with a funeral. I choose to see them as succeding at being what they are no matter how short. As long as they were capable of creating some happiness for the people involved. Your example exactly illustrates my philosophy very well!

juliaoceania -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 4:26:49 PM)
quote: Oh, I definately know already that I cannot love someone unconditionally. I know better; the conditions will be there. If things don't work out, I might stick around out of hope, but I won't be loving anyone. My love maybe unconditional, my willingness to be in a relationship is not...

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 4:32:13 PM)
I vaguely remember reading a report about a study done on the brain chemistry of 'being in love.' One thing that stood out to me, in the study, was the statement that among the couples that had been together for a long time and remained in love - one thing they all had in common was the tendency to idealize their partner. Granted, I read this a long time ago, and my memory sucks, but it did give me pause to think. Maybe that old adage about familiarity breeding contempt comes into play more than we think. Maybe the couples that can somewhat idealize their partners have it right? As for me, I find perfection intimidating. I like the quirks, oddities and scars of others. Perhaps I idealize these traits in the way others idealize perfection. I dont' know. I'll probably ponder this, later. If I dont' get distracted by something else. Finally, I've never really had a relationship fail, and never really had one end. I still have a relationship of some sort with everyone I've ever fallen in love with. The relationship may have evolved, changed and shifted focus, but the relationship still exists. WinD

thatsub -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 4:33:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus ... Love really ISN'T blind. You can be madly in love with someone IN SPITE of their foibles. Infatuation, lust, THOSE are blind and stupid. While I have not lived as long as you did and my life experince is not as vast as yours, I respectfully disagree. In my own experience it is blind and it has nothing to do with lust. I have been deeply in love and emotionally attached to someone I have known for many years just as a friend and who "wasn't my type" and all of the sudden something inside of me changed when I got to know that person better.

Icarys -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 4:38:50 PM)
quote: But THAT is the test and true measure of relationships. It's easy to say I accept them for what they are, but how often do we really mean it? How often are people really committed to being able to let go of mistakes and help a partner move past it? THAT is the work and where relationships fail in my opinion. Yes, there are idiotic things that happen that should make relationships fail, some mistakes destroy relationships and are impossible to get past, but I just see so many announcements of intolerance declaring SO much to be an insurmountable mistake it makes me wonder. I do agree that some of it is blind luck and much of it is compatibility and honestly sometimes it just happens that you wake up one day and realize that you are no longer in love and you cannot get it back. Thinking in similar patterns, having similar viewpoints on many things and being able to share those does go a long way towards building the foundation of a relationship. I suppose in the instance of the mistake and afterward it would've been classified as work yet it was fairly grand and easy up till that point to be with her and love her. I'm sure the changes weren't on just her side when it was done. For the record I don't hold anything against her. We had two great years up to that point.. She's a good woman and some man is lucky to get her.

Twoshoes -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 4:40:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania quote: Oh, I definately know already that I cannot love someone unconditionally. I know better; the conditions will be there. If things don't work out, I might stick around out of hope, but I won't be loving anyone. My love maybe unconditional, my willingness to be in a relationship is not... I like your wording better.

thatsub -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 4:40:36 PM)
Here is an interesting lecture/talk about a human brain in love: http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html It is by Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who designed computability questioners for several big dating websites. She did studies on the brain of people who claimed that they were in love. Rather interesting study. From her lecture: "...But romantic love is much more than a cocaine high -- at least you come down from cocaine. Romantic love is an obsession. It possesses you..."

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: Why do relationships fail? (8/16/2010 4:42:34 PM)
I don't think you can love 'blindly'. Love is seeing the other person as a whole person - faults and all - and accepting them. Sure you see their faults too, but they aren't in focus. This is where compatibility comes in. If someone's faults are so frustrating and annoying that you find you can no longer focus on the PERSON you love - then there's a glaring incompatibility. I've loved individuals that I could never ever live with on an extended basis. Adored the hell outa them. But, if I had to live with them - I'd probably do lotsa non-consensual damage to them.

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