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RE: Willingness - 8/20/2010 4:38:47 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		FR

I think heartfeltsub posted earlier in the thread, so I hope she doesn't mind me picking her out as an example-she's a poster who went through a phase of asking lots of carefully thought-out and thought-provoking questions, which led to a lot of carefully thought-out answers; people responded to her attitude by taking the time to sit down and share personal thoughts. It's like the total opposite of a drive-by. That sort of 'I value your input enough to take time to phrase the question' attitude is something people as a whole react well to-everybody likes to feel valued.

As for me personally: if a poster expects to be taken seriously and I find their question to be something I can take seriously (i.e. NOT 'why are all male doms so creepy? or 'why are there so many fakes?') then I will take them seriously, and if I feel I have an idea nobody has said yet then I'll chip in.

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(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Willingness - 8/20/2010 9:32:12 PM   
Mistletoe


Posts: 288
Joined: 8/16/2010
Status: offline 		As a newbie to BDSM and these forums, I am grateful for any help I receive. I believe in taking the time to do my own research before asking questions since I do not want to appear totally naive and ask truly dumb questions. To any of you who have answered any question I have asked.... Thank you.

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A closed profile = tired of stupid cmail's.

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(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Willingness - 8/20/2010 9:53:29 PM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

FR

I think heartfeltsub posted earlier in the thread, so I hope she doesn't mind me picking her out as an example-she's a poster who went through a phase of asking lots of carefully thought-out and thought-provoking questions, which led to a lot of carefully thought-out answers; people responded to her attitude by taking the time to sit down and share personal thoughts. It's like the total opposite of a drive-by. That sort of 'I value your input enough to take time to phrase the question' attitude is something people as a whole react well to-everybody likes to feel valued.

As for me personally: if a poster expects to be taken seriously and I find their question to be something I can take seriously (i.e. NOT 'why are all male doms so creepy? or 'why are there so many fakes?') then I will take them seriously, and if I feel I have an idea nobody has said yet then I'll chip in.


Thank you VC. There are so many posters here who have such wisdom, it would be foolish not to avail oneself of it when on is struggling or needing advice.

heartfelt

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Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Willingness - 8/21/2010 7:27:00 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

To reiterate the question, what increases your willingness to help, teach, assist, or instruct those who are new to BDSM?



I don't set out to "help" anybody here.  I share some of my personal experiences.  If someone benefits from them, cool.  If not, it was something I obviously felt like talking about, or I wouldn't have posted it.



_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Willingness - 8/21/2010 7:55:02 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		If i get a feeling that the poster is actually open to advice, i post.
If i post and the postee needs clarification, i post again'
and if the post is something that interests me, i post.

There have been times i posted because the topic was too good to miss - as in , stupid poster with equally stupid attitude, and the urge to jump into the mob was irresistible.  And fun.

In real time, i try to go out of my way to talk to new people at munches or parties - i know what it feels like to sit in a corner and feel ignored and overwhelmed at what is going on.  And a little kindness goes a long way - i have made some awesome friends by doing this, and pretty much everyone i have ever talked to was interesting in one manner or another.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Willingness - 8/21/2010 8:01:57 AM   
igor2003


Posts: 1718
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

I often feel that when people ask questions they are looking for various personal perspectives maybe in addition to just a textbook answer. You can pull up several past threads on a given topic and see some common information in all of them and then find new information in each that is not in the others. If I feel like responding, I do. If I do not then I don't. If I was asking a question and all someone could muster in response is "Google is your friend" I wouldn't be interested in their opinion, anyway. Clicking the X really isn't that difficult. People who act like answering a question here is a major burden to them are jackasses.


This is exactly what I feel as well.  When people come to a message board to ask a question it is to have the opportunity for back and forth discussion on a topic.  If they wanted to spend hours searching Google and reading page after page of dead text they would probably have already done so.  So they come to a message board only to be met with, "Go read this," or "Go read that."  It's like, "Go away, you aren't worth my time."  If you don't want to spend the time answering their question then just move on to the next thread and don't say anything at all.  Same with the FAQ nonsense...if you don't want to answer then don't, just don't send them away with a "Don't bother me!" attitude.  If YOU are bothered then just move on.

The thing that bothered me about LuckyAlbatross providing list after list of old dead threads to go read was that she could take the time to find and these lists, but couldn't just take the time to answer a question.  Don't get me wrong, I know she was trying to help, but like I said, when people come to a message board to ask a question they are usually hoping for a discussion, not a reading assignment, otherwise they would be going to Google instead of CM.


_____________________________

If the women don't find you handsome they should at least find you handy. - Red Green

At my age erections are like cops...there's never one around when you need it!

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(in reply to DomImus)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Willingness - 8/21/2010 8:40:11 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Igor, I can't say I agree with that.  The thread that I mentioned earlier is a good example.  The question there boils down to 'can you convert someone to being a Dom'.  If you look at it right now, there are a couple of replies that are an emphatic "no".  Yet, there are past threads out there where people have answered "yes" because it's a part of their life experience.  Just because nobody is answering the question in the affirmative today doesn't mean it never has been.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to igor2003)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Willingness - 8/21/2010 9:11:39 AM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

To reiterate the question, what increases your willingness to help, teach, assist, or instruct those who are new to BDSM?



At an event or play space, I am more willing to add in my POV to the curious/newcomers. It seems that at the private events I attended and the more experienced take the time to answer questions of the uninformed, it is most always from a one sided point of view - that of a dominant top. My feelings is that many who do have questions are from the other side of the whip thus they should get an idea from someone who has been there and done that.

As for here on the boards, I am very very reluctant to offer up my thoughts. Partially as I know it won't help and partially as I've gotten a bit more jaded and cynical here.


_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Willingness - 8/21/2010 8:33:38 PM   
Selinda


Posts: 8
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

For me it is attitude, how they ask the question, whether or not it comes across as sincerely wanting the information and being willing to actually accept answers that may differ with their pre-conceived opinions or not. If it seems like just a troll looking for wanking material, i pass those by, which is part of why my posting count is so low for the number of years that i have actually been on this site. If they start being argumentative and rude, i walk away. i am not going to argue with an idiot. But if someone is really willing to learn and grow and honestly wants help and not just to stir up drama, i am willing to help.

*Edited to add what Leadership said, i have to feel that i really have something useful to contribute, i don't want to "speak" if i really don't have anything useful to say.


While I'm new on CM, I've been on FetLife a few years, and really, heartfeltsub said it at least as well as I could.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Willingness - 8/22/2010 10:21:57 AM   
cassandria


Posts: 86
Joined: 6/6/2010
Status: offline 		I've been too busy this past month to even come to the boards, much less read and coherently respond...(sniffle sniffle...too busy to even read = bad)...but my response to how to decide who to answer, respond to etc as a newbie I guess is this...

1) everyone was new here, once. Remember those days?

2) even an idiot needs answers. How they come across in text isn't necessarily indicative of their entire persona. I try not to judge. Try. I don't do dense well, but I try anyways.

3) I LOVE this life. I love the transparency, the eroticism, the emphasis on solidly amazing communication skills... my curiosity knows no bounds when it comes to trying new things (which can be rather umm...dangerous)...I live to serve, and I love kinks that can be incorporated into it all. I see a collar on another slave and I smile, with a deep appreciation of what that collar means.

I'd like to think that my love of bdsm will show when I speak, and how. I hope it does, anyways.

I think what I'm trying to say is that love, laughter, happiness, joy, commitment...that these positive (okay, positive to me) parts of life surround everything I believe to be beautiful about bdsm. And if I can convey that in words to a new person, it'll be portraying in a positive light what I believe bdsm to be.

4) I believe we all have a responsibility to educate, if we have knowlege to share. Your years verses a newbies oh, say one week, matter. You can't teach someone who doesn't want to learn, or isn't in place in their life where they can accept another's wisdom...but if they reach out? I feel people should respond.

I seldom attend events (my own real life is simply too busy at this point, and I'm single - and call me dense, but I just feel really awkward going to events as a single slave so...to avoid the intimidation factor, I don't lol) but if I did, I don't think I'd reach out quickly to help a newbie unless they specifically asked me....not because I couldn't perhaps assist, but because there's a LOT of people with far more experience than I have.

But online? Sure, anytime. My cmail is available, and I'll readily take it to IM or whatever if it'll help. And when my life settles down a little more in the coming month, I'll be glad (read: thankful!) to be posting again and enjoying the learning that I gain from everyone here.

Not everyone needing advice posts it. Many just are reading, behind their own monitors. I think it's really important to know that posting experiences, thoughts, responses to others IS a form of education...you may just not be knowing who exactly you're educating.

It's kinda like a smile. You never know how that affects another.



< Message edited by cassandria -- 8/22/2010 10:32:59 AM >

(in reply to Selinda)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Willingness - 8/22/2010 7:09:09 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		The teacher in Me finds it hard to resist providing an answer ... though it does depend a bit on the way the question is asked, the topic (if I have experience or knowledge that is relevant) and on how other posters have responded. I also remember what it was like to be new and how much I learned from experienced people, so the compassionate side of Me believes in passing that on. But there are definitely some where I read the OP and click away!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to cassandria)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Willingness - 8/23/2010 3:35:25 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		My personality makes me unable to resist the temptation to help someone with a well-thought-out post. Especially, if, as mentioned, it is well-thought-out and clear. I've gotten some great positive responses. (Maybe, I should have decided to be a therapist.)

Other times, I'll just post something about my experiences/motivations, because I'm am vastly different from the typical user of these forums, both in life experience and personality.

Usually, people with a closer personality type to mine will respond well, while others might gain something out of the perspective.

I did get called an immature boy a week ago, but this doesn't bother me at all, since ... I am at times. I fully embrace being young and ridiculous!



There isn't much new to start threads about for me, since nearly everything has been answered somwhere.
I totally did all the things you guys listed in my "Emotional Sadism" thread and it's working out splendidly in terms of the varied response I can compare with!

It helps to know how to word your questions to be relatable and non-judgmental.


heartfeltsub, you do make people want to respond to you with your sincerity. Actually, I remember you asked me to clarify something which I've yet to do.

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Willingness - 8/23/2010 5:51:53 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		The entire time I've been here on CM, these last few months and then back several years ago, I've been distracted with 'being here' and those activities I would be doing if I weren't here. (I have lots of ways to spread my selfishness.) But as I've been around long enough to have had some experience, and because I'm decently able to pick up on what people 'mean' no matter how they say things, I've thrown myself into the mix and tried to assist, with generally decent results.

That's not to say that helping others is why I'm here, it's rather like crossing the street.

'Get over here, old lady, I'll give you a hand since I was going that way anyway.'

That's me, selfless to the core.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Twoshoes)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Willingness - 8/23/2010 6:53:26 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		Tell you what I'm not willing to do: welcoming people in the Introduction section.

I don't have a clue how you guys do that!

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/23/2010 6:54:12 PM >

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Willingness - 8/23/2010 7:00:48 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

Tell you what I'm not willing to do: welcoming people in the Introduction section.

I don't have a clue how you guys do that!

Sometimes it's as easy as introducing them to the back of your hand.

Yes, at times it's JUST that easy.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Twoshoes)
Profile   Post #: 35
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