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RE: Dumped - 8/26/2010 8:37:43 PM   
dangerousbeauty1


Posts: 14
Joined: 6/25/2010
Status: offline 		I'm sorry that you are in a hurting place right now. I feel time is truly the answer.
If as you stated above you haven't any friends and family around, Google a lifestyle friendly therapist, I've done it and find it to be truly helpful.
~wish you well~

(in reply to Huntertn)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Dumped - 8/26/2010 8:52:33 PM   
CountrySong


Posts: 554
Joined: 1/25/2008
Status: offline 		Hello kitten,
Best thing I can say is find a friend. If you can't then send me a C-mail and I'll send contact information.
These relationships are more intense because of the commitment we put into them. My last one was extreemly intense due to the fact that my partner had rapid cycling bi-polar so we lived a life of extreems plus we lost a child together. It was the only relationship were I was absolutely sure I would step in front of a bullet for my partner.
When she went manic, cheated, and ended it I was very much alone. Most of "our" friends were mainly her friends. At one point I truly thought of ending my life and might have except for one friend who stood by me. (I was not out to my family so I really could not talk to them.)
It took nearly two years for the dreams to end. The ones were you wake up and and can still taste your ex on your lips, feel thier body next to yours, and smell their fragrance. The ones were you wake and the feeling of lossing them is as intense as when it actually happened - your heart bleeds.
I made the mistake of taking a sub about 6 months after the end and it was a poor match so give yourself time. 
My heart and prayers go out to and for you.
I know it is poor comfort but time will heal things but there will most likely be scars.
Peace 

_____________________________

Cowboy clown and cowboy poet!
Jouster of windmills.
Knight in tarnished armor.
Rescuer of damsels who don't want to be rescued.
Dreamer of Impossible Dreams

(in reply to Huntertn)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Dumped - 8/27/2010 9:52:59 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouskitten8

How have you coped with your Dom leaving you? This is so much more overwhelming than I could ever think possible/


You once wrote...........
I still have an immature tongue and a quick temper ( both of which I am working on). My Dom doesn't mind me swearing, but if its directed at him..boy-o! 

Maybe part of your coping might be to mature some?


(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Dumped - 8/27/2010 10:45:50 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xXsoumisXx
I have always thought this as well, but many disagree.
It's not so much a disagreement thing as a matter of personal preference. For YOU, if YOU tend to form more intimate bonds in the context of a BDSM relationship then... well... it'd be more intense for YOU.

For someone like me, my ability/desire to form intimate and intense relationships is just a function of who I am. I do so with most relationships I form... vanilla or not. And yeah, it hurts like hell when they fail. I'm good with paying that price.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to xXsoumisXx)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Dumped - 8/27/2010 11:21:41 AM   
curiouskitten8


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline 		realsub- you are mean, and must be pretty bored to find my archived posts.

to everyone else. thanks its good to know i'm not alone or insane

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Dumped - 8/27/2010 12:16:05 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouskitten8

realsub- you are mean, and must be pretty bored to find my archived posts.

to everyone else. thanks its good to know i'm not alone or insane



I am not mean.
I remembered your name for some reason and thought it might have been something you said on a forum and I went back and looked.
It wasn't hard, I just clicked on "view forum posts" from your profile.
I found what I posted.

If you want to say I am mean so be it, but I found the confession you made about your temper and "immature tongue" of importance in a relationship that went south.

I am sorry for you, it happens and it did to me.  Did I have to grow up, you betcha !!  Did I have to re-evaluate, you betcha !!


< Message edited by RealSub58 -- 8/27/2010 12:17:36 PM >

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Dumped - 8/27/2010 12:28:11 PM   
curiouskitten8


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/23/2009
Status: offline 		my temper and foul mouth had nothing to do with my relationship ending.
but yea. i do need to reevaluate. but my "immature tounge" doesn't mean that I am immature. just that i have a bad mouth sometimes
i opened myself up here, so i'm not going to sit here and whine about my responses. but i didn't expect anyone to personally criticize like that. that to me seems immature. 

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Dumped - 9/21/2010 7:35:26 PM   
shandra


Posts: 26
Joined: 1/25/2005
Status: offline 		D/s is just like that, it's been just over 2 months since my once Domme ditched me and it gets better but really slowly and i'm still very very screwed up. feel free to pm me if you want another ditched sub to talk to. 

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Dumped - 9/21/2010 8:14:35 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		It's devastating. For the first few weeks, it was, for lack of a better word, paralyzing.

I was with my wife (who was also my Domme) for 14 years, and it felt like it was double the loss.  Not only was I losing my wife and best friend, but also the partner I had been submitting to all these years. 

And you're right--it's not exactly something you can discuss with just anyone-- my friends and family understood the loss on the "vanilla" level, but how exactly can you explain to someone, "yes, but now who will beat my ass every week?" 

It's loss....you go through all the stages of mourning (multiple times)... I personally found tremendous relief by working with a licensed therapist to help me with all of the emotions and take some control back into my life.

The best I can offer you is that it gets a little easier each year that goes by--keep yourself busy and find new social activities.  Try new things and reinvent yourself.  Make a plan to get through your birthday, holidays and anniversary date and ensure that those plans include being around other people who will make you laugh and distract you.

good luck-- lots of us have been where you are right now.  the way you feel right now is not how you will feel forever.

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Dumped - 9/22/2010 4:04:09 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I spent 13 years in a bad marriage, and 10 years after it alone, raising children and avoiding anything that looked like a man. It took 3 years of therapy for me to start looking, and when i found my Sir, i spent 5 years in love and half waiting for it to go bad. (it didn't). He died and i was looking for another dom within a month or less.
I think the success of the first bdsm relationship and the active mourning for 18 months before he died facilitated that.  So, i guess a year to 18 months is a good mourning period -   or not, depending on you.
Join a local group, make friends, you might even find someone who would be willing to give you the occasional beating to keep sub frenzy at bay. You also might find someone who would be willing to talk to you when you need it.  Who knows? You don't - unless you get out there and look.

(in reply to hausboy)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Dumped - 9/22/2010 3:30:13 PM   
peacefulplace


Posts: 157
Joined: 8/22/2010
Status: offline 		When I was dumped by my first Dom, I was devastated. I am one of those for whom the addition of D/s makes a relationship much more intense so losing that relationship was very, very painful. For a while, I went the route of casual play/sex and wound up meeting some of the worst doms in history. I also drank too much and once ate only bacon for breakfast and macaroni and cheese for lunch and dinner for three days in a row, once I could eat again. I bought a few of those "chick lit" books and read for hours. Then I watched TV for hours. And I cried during most of these activities. Gradually, I started getting back to my "old" life of seeing friends, going to plays/movies, reading good books, etc. It took time because, like you, my vanilla friends did not really understand the relationship (they hadn't spent much time with us) or why I took the ending of it so hard.

You are not alone. Regardless of the cause of a breakup, it hurts, and everyone here knows it. But you also need actual face to face support so a kink friendly therapist and/or making connections that lead to friendships is my best advice. Also, it's okay to eat bacon for breakfast three days in a row (assuming you are not a vegetarian).

_____________________________

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
~~Emma Goldman

One thing is clear to me: We, as human beings, must be willing to accept people who are different from ourselves.
~~Barbara Jordan

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Dumped - 9/22/2010 3:48:41 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I threw all his stuff out on the lawn and never looked back.

(in reply to Huntertn)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Dumped - 9/22/2010 6:34:40 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouskitten8

How have you coped with your Dom leaving you? This is so much more overwhelming than I could ever think possible/


Greetings curiouskitten,

I'm sorry to hear you're hurting and hope your pain subsides and leaves something positive in its wake. As for your question, in the past I've been deeply saddened and wondered if the parting would hinder my desire and willingness to serve another. However, time and introspection have provided a different answer. Nature offered a great example of cycles and the necessity of beginnings and endings. Accepting the inevitability of death and rebirth has allowed me to embrace things with a spirit of grace and understanding that was previously absent.

My sorrow was largely a reflection of internal longing and attachment. Allowing the relationship to continue would have satisfied my wants and needs but failed to feed an important element that I didn't grasp at the time - us. It is said that two people cannot walk hand in the hand if they don't complement and I believe this wholeheartedly. To permit myself to dwell on the negative (pain) without recognizing what is true only causes additional suffering and illusion. Liberation is possible when we let go and sincerely give love without expectation. Extending best wishes and eagerly welcoming what follows has had a dramatic impact on my mindset, countenance, and the peace that surrounds me.

This doesn't imply that disappointment isn't a factor. However, I trust that those things that are meant to be joined as one will do such. And keep in mind, sometimes goodbye isn't a permanent ending, but merely adieu until another time. What's paramount is that you're receptive to what tomorrow brings and recognize it may not arrive in the guise you expect or desire, but is remarkably what you've needed and unwittingly attracted when you were ready to embrace it fully.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Dumped - 9/23/2010 10:39:59 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Loss of any sort is rather painful, whether it is the loss of a parent, a child, a sibling, a friend, or a romantic partner. You grieve it and you go on. I have been through things more painful than the loss of any romantic relationship that I have ever been involved with. The loss of my father when I was 13 was the most devastating loss I have experienced to date.

Some stuff you never get over, the loss of a man has never been one of those losses for me, I have always managed to move on and rebuild my life and make it better than it was before a particular man came into it.

I also do not like the word "dumped" as it is not reflective of the ending of my last deep D/s relationship. It ended for many reasons, but I do not think he would characterize it as dumping me. I think we will always have a love for each other, and to characterize it in such a way isn't respectful to what we shared

Edited to add, I find it helpful to think about how I have overcome many things in the past to put any particular loss into perspective. I have overcome and prospered no matter what life has thrown at me, and I will continue to do so. Sometimes I might cry and feel sad and feel the depth of a particular loss, and then I will remind myself of all I have overcome thus far to get where I am, and that helps me know that "this too shall pass", it will hurt until it doesn't anymore, and as Scarlett O'Hara said "Tomorrow is another day!"

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 9/23/2010 10:46:07 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Dumped - 9/23/2010 11:40:31 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Someone told me once that emotional/romantic pain has a half life. That is, for however long you were together, it will take half that time to feel balanced again. I didn't believe it at first but earlier this year I reached the half point in years of my defunct relationship and sure enough.. I found that yes, I still love him but I am able to view that fondly with no regrets and know that I can move on. And I have. I date, play, have fun and while I still wish he was in my life I find I am doing pretty good. I even think I am ready to dedicate my time to a new relationship.

I don't know how long you were together but it does eventually get better. My advice is wallow a bit but do not stop living. Get out there. You may not have friends but there are resources. Join a munch group or create your own. Put some time into finding things to do. When I first split I went rollerskating. It was easy to wallow while I was getting some excercise, AND keeping myself upright really helped focus me on taking care of me.


quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouskitten8

i opened myself up here,




< Message edited by Missokyst -- 9/23/2010 11:41:47 AM >

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Dumped - 10/4/2010 8:47:11 AM   
spankingman10


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/4/2010
Status: offline 		Everyone goes through broken relationships and yes you need to take the time to feel sorry for yourself, but move on. There are alot of fish in the ocean, including sharks, but if you want to get back on your feet and live, grow up or if in water, swim.

(in reply to Huntertn)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Dumped - 10/4/2010 10:32:11 AM   
Selectivelight


Posts: 191
Joined: 9/30/2010
Status: offline 		Well, while I've never had a dom leave me... I might be able to offer you some sound and practical advice.

While I'm no psychologist, it has been my experience that;

1: Rushing ahead is dangerous all the time. Rushing ahead while pain-blinded is about as good as reading with your eyes closed.

There's an old saying that goes something like "Do it right the first time, or do it twice." This applies to everything worth doing. Including handling your emotional pain. Moving forward is definitely a good thing, but don't be afraid to take everything a little slower than normal until you are ready to get back into it. 

2: Making decisions while emotionally compromised is dangerous. Always give yourself enough time to properly weigh your important decisions when you're upset.

When you're hurt, you're not in the best shape to look at your situation carefully. Impaired judgment isn't just angry words and too much wine. Be ready to read things you're about to sign a lot more carefully, make sure your business and social calendars can mesh, and go the extra mile to get what needs doing done. Nothing says "Disaster" quite like letting one bad situation create another.

3: Rebound dates are a recipe for disaster.

It might seem like a good idea to get your mind off of an ex by finding new people to hang out with, but now really isn't a good time. Yes, you should go out and have fun, but stick to safer choices of company if you're still fixated on your previous relationship. The people you've relied on for years are a much better bet than someone you just met.

As for recovering from the emotional blow, you might consider any or all of the following -

1: taking up writing. If you're stuck on ideas, focus on what you're feeling, and why you're feeling it. Don't settle for half-assed answers. Really dig at it, everything has a rational explanation if one is willing to put the effort into understanding it.

I'd like to note that this -might not- be the best idea if you're new to handling your own emotional difficulties, or tend to think in circles. You need to be able to really pick apart the details.

[For example - "I love lasagna because it is delicious" is no good. "I love lasagna because it can include all of my favorite cheeses, vegetables, and have all the comfort and warmth of a proper home made meal." is better. Adding "I really cherish a home made meal, because someone took the time to demonstrate their appreciation of me in making it. I consider one's time to be the most valuable gift of all, because we only get so much of it, and are never told exactly how much." is a great answer.]

2: A new hobby  - You probably have unoccupied time at the moment, a break in a routine that had been comforting and enjoyable. Leaving this time unoccupied might not be the best way to pick yourself back up. A new hobby will not only occupy the time, but also give you an opportunity to learn a new skill.

3: Exercise for health and pleasure.

There are a number of practical benefits to adding some exercise to your day. Aside from the obvious health benefits, and the confidence boost those can bring, exercise can alter your mood in positive ways. Running, for example, can cause an increase in endorphins, which can lead to feelings of euphoria. It's a good way to deal with stress, and it has the added bonus of giving you a chance to get out of the house for something other than business.

[It is highly recommended by fitness experts, and doctors that you consult your physician before engaging in dietary or exercise changes. Please use due caution and common sense when engaging in physically demanding activities.]

The important thing is to keep yourself active without putting yourself at risk. You might not feel particularly social or energetic, but letting yourself fall into a negative pattern of behavior will do worse than simply not fixing anything. It will actively make it more difficult to bring yourself out of this situation.



Thank you for taking the time to read this overly long post. I'd like to note once more, emphatically, that I am not a professional, and strongly advise you to consult a professional or disregard my advice entirely if you feel it is faulty.

I wish you the very best,

~ Selectivelight



(in reply to Huntertn)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Dumped - 10/5/2010 1:15:11 PM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline 		I haven't had any Doms dump me, but I am human and tend to form intense relationships.  For breakups...
 
With the first one, I couldn't eat.  Appetite was totally gone, except that eating about half a package of Chips Ahoy dunked in milk helped...as well as watching old movies on tv and taking long walks at night for hours.  I played sad songs on the record player over and over and over while I cried on the inside.  (Mom and I have a very difficult time crying, as dad trained us not to.  I can be wailing into my pillow like a banshee for half an hour but my face mostly stays dry.)
 
I also tried the one night stand thing too many times to want to remember but learned that though comforting, it didn't really help and I felt guilty when some of the men thought I was now their girlfriend and wanted a relationship when for me, it began and ended that night. 
 
I hurt one guy really bad that way and he didn't deserve it...I...worked with him and had to see him every day afterward.  It was a real asshat thing for me to do, so I learned from it and vowed not to treat others as bandaids again.
 
Recently I had high hopes for a male sub and it didn't work out, so I am immersing myself in things that counteract the depression.  For me, this means playing even more Pokemon games on my Nintendo Ds and WII, watching old movies on DVD, old tv shows, and more sci-fi.  Each night I watch hours of Babylon 5.  My comfort foods at the moment are Yoplait yogurt, peach and strawberry banana flavors, hot cocoa, or a huge, nuked marshmallow.  I force myself to eat at least twice per day...meat and veggies.  I have no appetite and have to remind myself to eat or else I get light headed. 
 
There are books on how to break your attachment to someone.  I cannot remember the titles, but own several.  They are lost among thousands of books now, but were helpful in the past when I needed them. 
 
Chocolate helps...I make cocoa at home with cocoa powder and a mix of stevia, aspartame, and Splenda.  Sometimes I get icecream like Skinny Cow from Sams...chocolate for only 100 calories.  My son eats the vanilla ones.
 
The half life thing doesn't always work...I was with someone for a year or two and the grieving lasted over ten years.  It will take as long as it takes, or until the next man gets so deeply into your mind that there is no room left in there for ghosts.
 

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Dumped - 10/5/2010 3:55:34 PM   
dmarc


Posts: 38
Joined: 11/9/2004
Status: offline 		Being Dumped is hard as it is, being dumped when you have lived the lifestyle with your ex is harder..but nothing is impossiable so moving on will happen and that brighter day will come. Try and find your focus, and as others say take a deep breath and take your time..your going to be fine.

(in reply to Huntertn)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Dumped - 10/6/2010 10:49:15 AM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiouskitten8

How have you coped with your Dom leaving you? This is so much more overwhelming than I could ever think possible/

The same way I would with a vanilla b/f or husband leaving. I cry and feel like shit, am a little POed for a short timel, then I get over it and think "How can I make my next relationship better?" The last time I was dumped, though, it was passively through no communications, so I went through worry, anxiety, and then anger, which was an unusual order of events for me, unique to the situation.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to curiouskitten8)
Profile   Post #: 40
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