AAkasha
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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Don't feel like you have to say or do anything. Don't think about whether he is bored, or "oh no what is he thinking," or anything like that. It doesn't matter. IT DOESN'T MATTER. What matters is that you are amused. Take your time.
This. It took me a while to figure out this one. Don't ever feel like you have to rush during a scene, because that pressure is something you're putting on yourself, by yourself-it's not going to be bothering him! 
Also, sometimes you can make *his* head do all the work-if you put him in a comfortable position (just sitting in a chair is good) with a blindfold on, and just touch him every now and again-read a book or your favourite magazine in the meantime if you like! :P-then he'll be going crazy wondering what you're doing, what you look like, when you're going to touch him next, how long for, where...
Get a feather, a soft scarf, a toothpick, a pair of tweezers (if you're feeling evil). Don't forget your hands. Play with hard touches, soft touches, nails, fingertips, your hair, if it's long enough. Fuck it, pull *his* hair if it's long enough! Sit on his lap unexpectedly (make sure the chair's stable enough that if he jumps in surprise it won't topple...) Mix it up, keep him guessing! 
Yes, I totally agree with all of this! I was thinking more about it, and wanted to add a couple of caveats.
* For a new femdom, I strongly encourage starting with the foundation that it 100% does NOT matter if the man is "bored." He probably is NOT going to be - as VC states, his head will do most of the work.
* The first thing a femdom should feel "obligated" as far as "attention/stimulation" to a sub when she is learning is this: Telling him how good it feels for her. Telling him how much FUN she is having. Telling him how AROUSED she is. Showing him how wet she is. All of these things are important feedback as most sub men are very motivated by pleasing - and they are also good affirmations for her. Subs need to know the woman is getting off on it and enjoying herself. Even a soft moan of pleasure, a pleasant authentic giggle, a sigh of self indulgence next to his ear - these are the carrots to keep him going and should be the only thing a woman feels "obligated" to dish out in the earlier stages.
* If a sub (who is encouraging a new femdom) feels painfully unsatisfied with "playtime" because it is missing elements of x,y and z, he needs to reevaluate his position and lay the cards on the table and state, "I need some dose of x, y and z to feel satisfied" and accept this. Rather than just muzzle it and hope she's a mindreader or try pushing her toward it. She can empower herself with the choice to use this as a carrot. I mean, this is ok in general, but I just feel that it totally squashes a new femdom's confidence and she's back to being a puppet for the bottom; I think an experienced femdom who already has a foundation of confidence, self pleasure and no fear can generally take these "wish lists" and just turn them into tools that empower her. But a new femdom sees them as looming obligations and "oh my god what if I don't do it right?" (whereas a more comfortable femdom may say "fuck it if he doesn't think I am doing it right, I'm doing it in a way that makes ME feel good and his head is going to explode..." or "oh so he needs this thing? Well then he's going to earn it, oh is he EVER going to earn it..." or "So he thinks that x is what he needs more than anything....wouldn't it be cruel if I turned this into a predicament where he got x but only after he did y..." -- it's a more controlling, self indulgent mindset essentially)
* I think all femdoms, myself included, have been in that horrible, awkward, uncomfortable position of being right in the middle of a bdsm or S&M "scene" where we think, "Oh my god, is he having a horrible time?" or "is he totally bored? Did he just zone out, is he thinking of football?" or "Nothing I am doing even phases this guy, he isn't even into this, I feel so unpowerful and unsexy." Those thought processes RUIN everything. When I feel them, I stop - it's just not worth it. To me it signals generally that my mindset is messed up - somehow, somewhere, I got into a mindset of pleasing rather than being pleased. Somewhere the seed got planted that I was a performer doing a show and the entire objective got turned around on me. When I think about this wrecked mindset, I realize how horribly painful it must be for women who are in that mindset all the time. How can you possibly enjoy anything? No wonder bdsm feels like a chore!
Female domination has to start with a woman feeling empowered and sexy, and without the pressures of being expected to do anything other than enjoy herself on her terms. Only after that foundation is set can she start integrating a man's "expectations" into her own style, so she feels like these things are tools, not a list she's supposed to complete in order to succeed. She has to realize that the only rule of the game is that she has to come out of it with a smile on her face and rush of adrenalin and/or sexual arousal -- and that the only thing she's 100% obligated to "give back" to a submissive is feedback and transparency about how much she is enjoying it -- and then from there, build on integrating his fantasies at her own comfort level. At least, this is what I have found works with getting a "new femdom" into the stage of "new and loving it!"
Akasha
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