How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (Full Version)

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strudel -> How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/10/2010 9:04:47 PM)

Quick background, hubby and I have been married just shy of 4 years. We have had our share of ups and downs. Our son just turned 3 and I have another son (with dad) who's just shy of 9. We "took a break" from Feb to June, I moved from MI to TN for that time. We agreed to see other people and find ourselves. I found BDSM and he found a barely legal nut who was looking for a daddy figure (yes - I am still bitter about it). He came to TN to bring me home in June and we have been slowly working things out since then. I had to intercede to end this fling with this other girl; she has severe psychiatric issues and was interfering with our reconciliation.

It's been 3 months now since I have been home and I am dying to meet with a Dom. I have two that I have been communicating with, met with previous to going south and they both know my situation at home, ect, ect, ect. However, I feel that if I meet with either of them, I will be cheating on my marriage - and I don't really want or need that guilt. I also don't want to create a situation where he can get with this other girl or someone else (I guess I am the jealous type and can't share well).

I do love my husband, and despite mine and his faults (it takes two to tango) we somehow complement each other at the most important moments.

Except in the bedroom. I have tried to show him the basics of what it takes to please me and he simply refuses to seriously learn that. I have tried to talk to him about Ds and he is just not into it. He has tried to work on himself to try to please me but all he can offer is - kiss kiss, nibble on tit, nibble on tit, stroke stroke stroke, oh shit... I'm cumming..... I have needs that I need to have met .... or else our marriage is doomed.

So my question is, how do I get my needs met being in the marriage with kids 'nilla life? How can I justify seeing a Dom and not feel guilty about it? How can I get my husband to allow me to led this lifestyle without him taking the same liberties.... (probably not going to happen but maybe?)

Thanks for reading..... It's been eating away at me.....




KyttynTheMynx -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/10/2010 9:12:37 PM)

All I can say is, there is no give without take. On the off chance that he allows you to see a Dom, be prepared for him to want to set up rules for the both of you as to who you can/can not see and what can/can not be done when with the separate party/parties.



camille65 -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/10/2010 9:19:04 PM)

I think it is unfair to want to play around yet not grant your husband the same thing. You may have to make a difficult choice, you may have to choose between D/s and your marriage.

Having unequal sexual needs can be very difficult on a marriage, on both parties. You feel unfulfilled, he is expected to perform in ways that don't appeal to him.

Compromise can be very difficult, feeling sexually or emotionally unfulfilled is something that I think is more difficult in the long run. It can cause the build up of negative emotions without a good outlet.



LadyPact -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/10/2010 9:36:00 PM)

You open your mouth and start talking.  Also, you may have to be willing to make a decision.

What I am hearing from you is that you want to be poly, with D/s involvement, but you want your husband to just be faithful to you.  Exactly how fair is that?  Either that, or you want him to be somebody that he is not.  (You said that he tried, but it really isn't him.)  Has it occurred to you that he may want a vanilla partner just as much as you want a Dom?  If you're not happy with the compatibility, he may not be either.

I don't know how you've approached this so far, but if your husband doesn't know about your interaction with the Dominants you mentioned, I want you to put the shoe on the other foot and imagine how you would feel if the positions were reversed.  What if he just wanted a vanilla sex life and was seeking that out with other people because you couldn't provide that? 

You may literally have a choice to make.  It may be a decision between the husband or the kink.  Truthfully, if he doesn't consent to you having both, you may have to pick the one that is most important to you.  Being kinky doesn't change things like promises you've made to be faithful or monogamous.  It's not a get out of jail free card.  If it would be cheating if it were vanilla, it's cheating if it's BDSM.





MistressTonya2u -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/10/2010 9:42:37 PM)

You are in a difficult situation.
Good for you, however in finding what makes you happy, as there are a lot of people who search but never find what their heart is seeking.
I have a lot of comments that may at least get you to ask yourself some questions about what you really want.

First as to the Doms.
Does your husband know about your involvement and communication with either of these men?
If yes, what was his reaction?
If no, why have you kept them a secret?
If you plan to meet with either of them, and your husband is not aware, then it is cheating.
That is not fair and not the adult thing to do.
You have to be open about what you want, need, and expect from your marriage and any outside relationship.

In my opinion, a poly relationship for you would be doomed to fail.
The reason why I say that is because of  your jealousies.
You said several times that you do not want him to see the previous girl, or anyone else for that matter.
You can not reasonably expect to have a relationship with another man and to tell your husband he can not see another woman.
Unless he agrees to allow you to pursue this and agrees not to see anyone else.
I am in a poly relationship, both myself and my boy are married to other people.
My husband is aware and in agreement of the choices I make and knows all about my boy.
His wife knows he belongs to me.
Poly relationships can and do work out, but *ONLY* if all parties are aware of what is going on and are in agreement.
It takes a lot of communication and commitment to make this work out.

You said you have only been home three months.
Do you honestly believe that 3 months is enough to not only repair your marriage but that it is now strong enough to withstand you submitting to another man?
You said you are still bitter about the other woman.
Is it possible that you are wanting to meet with a Dom to spite your husband?
Is it fair to give him a ultimatum at this point of your reconcillation?

To answer your questions:
1. How do I get my needs met being in the marriage with kids 'nilla life?
By communication with your husband, slowly introducing D/s aspects into your relationship. Be open and direct about your needs and desires. And be willing to listen and be understanding of his needs and desires, too.

2. How can I justify seeing a Dom and not feel guilty about it?
By being open with your husband and having him agree to allowing you to see a Dom. Deception will only rip apart your marriage, and only you know if having a relationship with a Dom is worth ending your marriage.
If it is, do the adult thing, and end your current relationship before pursuing another.
Keep in mind, how would you feel if your husband saw a Domme without your knowledge?

3. How can I get my husband to allow me to led this lifestyle without him taking the same liberties....
Unless he agrees, then you won't be able to. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I truly wish you the best.
Think long and hard about what matters to you.



strudel -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/10/2010 10:27:45 PM)

I guess I should clarify, we did agree early in the year to see other people and take the break. He does know that I have been with other men during that time as well as he was with other women. Although he never met them, ect ect. He know's that I have taken an interest in D/s but we haven't discussed beyond that what interests me. It's tough to figure out... I don't to ruin the marriage, but... well... There in lies the problem.

Yes, I know I can not have my cake and eat it too......

Just looking for a way to be happy..




MistressTonya2u -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/10/2010 10:53:31 PM)

Looking at your photo gallery and reading your profile, it looks as though you are already an active participant.
Does your husband know about the photos and your profile? Is he okay with that?
I am confused though, because in your profile, you say that you are looking for someone to stick by you, buy you a corset, and help you cultivate yourself into the "DIVA" you believe yourself to be.
Reading that seems like you have already made your decision.



leadership527 -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 12:16:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel
Just looking for a way to be happy..
Piece of cake. Sit down in a quiet room. Prioritize the things that make you happy. Draw a line somewhere that separates needs from wants. Then, make a decision that supports that. If both BDSM and your husband are in the "need" category... well... then I don't envy you. It would take a pretty motivated set of people to recover from that given this as a starting situation.

Of course, there is also a child to be thought of in this scenario.

EDITED TO ADD: Oh yeah, and everything that LadyPact said



hertz -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 1:42:05 AM)

For what it's worth, whatever you decide to do there will always be someone on a moral crusade who will want to judge you and tell you you are a bad person. My advice is to ignore those who seem to be telling you what is right and wrong and what you should and shouldn't do, and only pay attention to those who are willing to explore the issues with you in an open and non-judgemental way - and there are some here who will do that, if you can stop yourself getting pissed at the more judgemental ones.

Truth is, no-one here is living inside your head, and no-one here feels what you feel. By definition, they don't have a clue. I am sure this forum is as good a place as any you will find for advice on tying knots and choosing the correct implements, but when it comes to human relationships, trust me, most of the people who will reply to your question won't have any more idea than some random stranger you meet in the street. A Grade One certificate in knot tying does not a relationship specialist make.

Just think very carefully about any advice you receive.



DarkSteven -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 2:14:22 AM)

I suggest counseling.  Your marriage has a very rocky history.  Note that you have jealousy issues and yet have an itchy foot that walks a lot.  What you're suggesting is changing the dynamics of the entire relationship, which is okay for relationships that are strong but yours is just barely holding on.  If your husband has any issues left over from the separation/reconciliation thing (and I'd be shocked if he doesn't), you're not going to change it.

I think that you need to learn communication skills and let him get his feelings out first, followed by you doing the same.  Then work from there.

You may want to look into a Retrouvaille session, put out by the Marriage Encounter folks.  http://www.retrouvaille.org/

Edited to add: I just looked at your profile.  No mention of hubby.  It's been three months since he's been back in the picture.  if you want hi to be a Dom, TREAT him like one!

1. You've been in contact with two Doms without hubby's knowledge.
2. You have a profile that doesn't even mention him, and has pics that many Doms would not permit thrir sub to post.
3. You're now stating that the marriage is doomed if he can't figure out how to properly Dom you.

You're driving the relationship and say you want him to Dom you.

If I were your husband, I'd spank the holy hell out of you, and block you from the Internet for a few weeks.  I'd force you to focus on the marriage - maybe every day make you ciome up with one suggestion that the TWO OF US, not just your husband. could do to strengthen it.








ranja -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 3:31:30 AM)

oh dear... i would first try to figure out if i really want to save my marriage... is the man really good enough for life?
then i would persevere in finding ways to get him to want to pleasure me, it takes skillful manipulation... if you want him to be a Dom, i do not think going about it as a diva will pay off, try submitting instead.

Also if you get totally disheartened and embark on an affair (rather than a one night stand) i think that is understandable and might even be beneficial, but i would advise to keep it a secret if you want to maintain your marriage... especially since you do not want him to do the same thing
You would have to find a way to live with the guilt or live with being somewhat deprived and frustrated, chose

(for everybody taking offence to my stance on cheating... please safe it... this is my advice and i stand by it... i have no time for other debates on the pro's and con's of cheating... and yes i know it is selfish; we all are, thank you)

Four years is not very long for a partnership i think, if this goes sour you will probably find another man that will turn out to be 'faulty' after about 3 years... i tend to think better the devil you know... try to work it out

Good luck




allthatjaz -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 3:34:31 AM)

I would suggest going for counseling too. You have more issues than the daily Telegraph and going behind your husbands back is only going to end up making things worse.
When I read your post and then read your profile, I get a strong impression that your either trying to live two separate lives or your trying to escape the one your presently in.
You have a child in the middle of all of this and children are hugely perceptive to their parents unhappiness. Staying together for the sake of the child is not always a wise choice, especially if the home is fraught with tension and mixed emotions.
Its time to be brave and face up to what YOU want for your future. Its time to be fair to your husband and let him decide what HE wants for his future.

If you are going to cheat then at least make sure you use condoms. I think it would be terribly unfair to risk giving your partner a disease.

I hope you sort it all out.



KatyLied -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 4:48:09 AM)

I think it is time for your relationship to experience full and complete disclosure.  Probably within the walls of a therapist's office, as your relationship is struggling at this point and I am not sure it would be wise to do it without a voice of reason present.  There are married women who have dominants on the side, how this works for them I do not know as I have no experience in this regard.  Some are on the sly, some with the knowledge and approval of their spouse.  I do think it is ridiculous to be jealous of the thought of your husband wanting another relationship while you are on-line soliciting for one yourself.  Think about that for a while.



Viridana -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 5:34:01 AM)

FR

Just a four year relationship and yet so many problems and a separation. If it were me, I'd seriously have to value if this drama is really worth it. And I don't think incompatible people should stay together for the sake of the kids. The child can sense the misery and that is not a healthy baggage to grow up with, trust me, I am one of those children and I wish my parents would have divorced waaay back.

Aside from that I think it's best and psychologically healthiest for you to finish one relationship before you start a new one (or new ones). It will save you a lot of heartache and mental anguish. If you decide to save your marriage, you have to give yourself fully to that. I don't think there's any way around it.



bliss4us09 -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 6:51:39 AM)

You say "I don't to ruin the marriage" but it doesn't sound to me like there's much of a marriage there to be ruined. Why is it that you want to save something as unsatisfying as this seems to be?



Elisabella -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 7:42:15 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel

Quick background, hubby and I have been married just shy of 4 years. We have had our share of ups and downs. Our son just turned 3 and I have another son (with dad) who's just shy of 9. We "took a break" from Feb to June, I moved from MI to TN for that time. We agreed to see other people and find ourselves. I found BDSM and he found a barely legal nut who was looking for a daddy figure (yes - I am still bitter about it). He came to TN to bring me home in June and we have been slowly working things out since then. I had to intercede to end this fling with this other girl; she has severe psychiatric issues and was interfering with our reconciliation.

It's been 3 months now since I have been home and I am dying to meet with a Dom. I have two that I have been communicating with, met with previous to going south and they both know my situation at home, ect, ect, ect. However, I feel that if I meet with either of them, I will be cheating on my marriage - and I don't really want or need that guilt. I also don't want to create a situation where he can get with this other girl or someone else (I guess I am the jealous type and can't share well).

I do love my husband, and despite mine and his faults (it takes two to tango) we somehow complement each other at the most important moments.

Except in the bedroom. I have tried to show him the basics of what it takes to please me and he simply refuses to seriously learn that. I have tried to talk to him about Ds and he is just not into it. He has tried to work on himself to try to please me but all he can offer is - kiss kiss, nibble on tit, nibble on tit, stroke stroke stroke, oh shit... I'm cumming..... I have needs that I need to have met .... or else our marriage is doomed.

So my question is, how do I get my needs met being in the marriage with kids 'nilla life? How can I justify seeing a Dom and not feel guilty about it? How can I get my husband to allow me to led this lifestyle without him taking the same liberties.... (probably not going to happen but maybe?)

Thanks for reading..... It's been eating away at me.....




I can't imagine you could possibly come up with any argument that will convince him to let you see other people, because if you were able to do so you'd be able to convince yourself it's okay to let him see other people.

Stop being selfish and you might actually get what you want.



Nineveh -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 10:33:49 AM)

My suggestion would be poly with a veto.  Before either of you becomes seriously involved with anyone the other needs to meet him or her and approve them.  This is what my wife and I do, and although I have yet to find a sub that clicks properly with both of us we have not had any crazy or dangerous people reach the dangerous point because of two eyes being on any possibilities.



Nineveh -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 10:35:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bliss4us09

You say "I don't to ruin the marriage" but it doesn't sound to me like there's much of a marriage there to be ruined. Why is it that you want to save something as unsatisfying as this seems to be?


Sexually unsatisfying is completely different from "not much of a marriage"  Not everyone can have all of their needs met by one person and I don't see any reason that this particular marriage should be ended just because there are some needs that she needs to look outside the marriage to meet.



KnightofMists -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 10:41:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel
Just looking for a way to be happy..
Piece of cake. Sit down in a quiet room. Prioritize the things that make you happy. Draw a line somewhere that separates needs from wants. Then, make a decision that supports that. If both BDSM and your husband are in the "need" category... well... then I don't envy you. It would take a pretty motivated set of people to recover from that given this as a starting situation.

Of course, there is also a child to be thought of in this scenario.

EDITED TO ADD: Oh yeah, and everything that LadyPact said



What Leadership said.... in the end.. this all seems like a like a lack of understanding of what your priorities are to be happy and/or a lack of ability/will to make decisions to support those priorities.



lizi -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/11/2010 11:20:41 AM)

It's like the others have said, you need to work out with your husband what will work for the both of you. It's a bit disturbing that you seem to be all about yourself and how to get what you want, while you want to restrict or deny what may be important to him. There seems to be a feeling of entitlement on your part that you aren't willing to extend to your supposedly significant other. I definitely feel a lack of respect in how you regard him, but you want to be first in line to get your needs met with him or without. In a marriage, both people should get their needs met...it's kind of the reason why most people get married.

How did you get to the point of marrying him if there were compatibility issues? Him being less than what you want in bed didn't start today, unfortunately it was something you should have paid attention to long ago. You really can't justify seeing a Dom on the side unless your husband knows about it and sanctions it- it'll have to be a previously discussed situation. If you are going to work on your marriage then your relationship with your husband comes first.



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