RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (Full Version)

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crazyml -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/18/2010 9:41:57 AM)

Lordy.

To be honest strudel - you've had a really really easy ride on this thread.

My sense is that, if you read your post carefully, or perhaps get a good friend to read it with you, you'll see why some people might jump to the, doubtless wrong, conclusion that you're being a self-centred ass-hat.

My immediate reaction was (to be completely honest) judgmental :-
Take this line for example :-

quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel

I found BDSM and he found a barely legal nut who was looking for a daddy figure (yes - I am still bitter about it).


I was utterly boggled by the apparent hypocrisy of this statement. Truly boggled. You found kinky sex and your husband found a younger partner. What the hell is wrong with that. She may have been "wrong" for your husband, but you were on a frikken break!!!! Perhaps you should invite him to review the suitability of your "break time"playmate (or playmates)?

Then you close with this :-

quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel
How can I get my husband to allow me to led this lifestyle without him taking the same liberties.... (probably not going to happen but maybe?


On which planet, and in which universe, does this not come across as gob-smackingly hypocritical?

If you can't see how someone might misconstrue that statement as you wanting to get our permission to fuck your husband over, then I'm not sure that anything anyone says on this topic is going to help you one little bit.

Now I've calmed down.... here's my considered response to your questions -

quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel
So my question is, how do I get my needs met being in the marriage with kids 'nilla life?


First you have to take Jeff's (leadership527) and clearly separate "Needs" and "wants".

For example, how does your "need" for D/s weight up against your child's "need" for a stable, loving upbringing?

You also have to confront the possibility that you're not going to get everything you want.. These pesky little things - "commitments", "responsibilities" tend to get in the way.

quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel
How can I justify seeing a Dom and not feel guilty about it?


Honestly, if you mean "how can I justify seeing a Dom without my husband knowing" then you can't.
if you mean "how can I justify seeing a Dom, without allowing my husband to see other people himself", then you can't.

If you make a clean break with your husband, work on making the post-marriage relationship work for the sake of your child, then sure - you can justify seeing anyone (just as your husband can too).

quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel
How can I get my husband to allow me to led this lifestyle without him taking the same liberties....

Actually this is easy - you manipulate him, bully him, make him dependent on you (and therefore terrified you'll leave, then do what the fuck you like!

It would be a pretty disgusting thing to do, of course, but you could pull it off.


[ed to remove trailing text]





crazyml -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/18/2010 9:48:33 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel

It's a mandolin, know what your talking about before you post. Your not Jesus so you pic is offensive to me! You have to hide behind our saviors face on a kink site? That's hipocrasy. I was just looking for answers like the rest of us out there. Glad to see my first thread will be my last.


Oh fuck me! If you'd made it clear that you're a committed Christian I think this whole thread would have gone very differently.

Have you had time to ask yourself "what would jesus do?"?



LadyPact -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/18/2010 10:07:13 AM)

Not everybody who responded to this OP bashed.  Granted, there were some different perspectives in it, which happens every time the concept of engaging in BDSM without a spouse comes across on these boards.  There are folks who feel the marriage should come first and there are others who feel a person's kink should come first.  That's nothing more that different perspective because various people answering are going to have different priorities.

There sounds like there were/are some problems other than the BDSM.  This complicates the matter.  In My opinion, poly is generally not a solution when the primary relationship isn't solid.  Adding anybody too soon after the recent split is going to have it's additional effects.  Poly (even "V" type poly where the only connection between two members is the one person that they have in common) tends to be a more successful situation when the primary relationship is on a good foundation.  Poly can be a way for everyone to get their wants met if the relationship is strong.  When it's rocky, it can cause more harm than good.

However, it is My sincere opinion that, if one person is poly in a relationship, it is only fair that the same opportunity be granted to the other partner if they are in an equal relationship.  You really can't say that only you deserve another partner just because you want some version of "more".  In your case, the "more" is kink, but the "more" can be anything.  (Sexual frequency, affection, whatever.)  Since you have jealousy issues, in fairness, you have to look at that.  Wouldn't your husband deserve someone to spend his time with while you're spending your time on someone else?  Would you accept that if positions were reversed?

I think you and your husband have an awful lot to talk about.  I know you said that you've been attempting to do so, but there may be another suggestion that will help you.  There is a book available titled, "When Someone You Love Is Kinky".  It may help. 



Acer49 -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/18/2010 1:01:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel

Quick background, hubby and I have been married just shy of 4 years. We have had our share of ups and downs. Our son just turned 3 and I have another son (with dad) who's just shy of 9. We "took a break" from Feb to June, I moved from MI to TN for that time. We agreed to see other people and find ourselves. I found BDSM and he found a barely legal nut who was looking for a daddy figure (yes - I am still bitter about it). He came to TN to bring me home in June and we have been slowly working things out since then. I had to intercede to end this fling with this other girl; she has severe psychiatric issues and was interfering with our reconciliation.

It's been 3 months now since I have been home and I am dying to meet with a Dom. I have two that I have been communicating with, met with previous to going south and they both know my situation at home, ect, ect, ect. However, I feel that if I meet with either of them, I will be cheating on my marriage - and I don't really want or need that guilt. I also don't want to create a situation where he can get with this other girl or someone else (I guess I am the jealous type and can't share well).

I do love my husband, and despite mine and his faults (it takes two to tango) we somehow complement each other at the most important moments.

Except in the bedroom. I have tried to show him the basics of what it takes to please me and he simply refuses to seriously learn that. I have tried to talk to him about Ds and he is just not into it. He has tried to work on himself to try to please me but all he can offer is - kiss kiss, nibble on tit, nibble on tit, stroke stroke stroke, oh shit... I'm cumming..... I have needs that I need to have met .... or else our marriage is doomed.

So my question is, how do I get my needs met being in the marriage with kids 'nilla life? How can I justify seeing a Dom and not feel guilty about it? How can I get my husband to allow me to led this lifestyle without him taking the same liberties.... (probably not going to happen but maybe?)

Thanks for reading..... It's been eating away at me.....




Are you truly talking or simply making noise? Is he truly listening or just hearing? You have to convey the importance of your needs. Yes, you could try a third, but they rarely ever work. It appears you have issues with jealousy and you need to get over that before you do anything. It is unrealistic to expect to be granted permission to seek an outside partner if you are not totally behind your partner if he/she wishes to do the same.
If you can't get your needs met, you need to be strong enough to accept the fact that the two of you are not compatible and move on.



seekingOwnertoo -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/18/2010 1:45:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Not everybody who responded to this OP bashed. Granted, there were some different perspectives in it, which happens every time the concept of engaging in BDSM without a spouse comes across on these boards. There are folks who feel the marriage should come first and there are others who feel a person's kink should come first. That's nothing more that different perspective because various people answering are going to have different priorities.

There sounds like there were/are some problems other than the BDSM. This complicates the matter. In My opinion, poly is generally not a solution when the primary relationship isn't solid. Adding anybody too soon after the recent split is going to have it's additional effects. Poly (even "V" type poly where the only connection between two members is the one person that they have in common) tends to be a more successful situation when the primary relationship is on a good foundation. Poly can be a way for everyone to get their wants met if the relationship is strong. When it's rocky, it can cause more harm than good.

However, it is My sincere opinion that, if one person is poly in a relationship, it is only fair that the same opportunity be granted to the other partner if they are in an equal relationship. You really can't say that only you deserve another partner just because you want some version of "more". In your case, the "more" is kink, but the "more" can be anything. (Sexual frequency, affection, whatever.) Since you have jealousy issues, in fairness, you have to look at that. Wouldn't your husband deserve someone to spend his time with while you're spending your time on someone else? Would you accept that if positions were reversed?

I think you and your husband have an awful lot to talk about. I know you said that you've been attempting to do so, but there may be another suggestion that will help you. There is a book available titled, "When Someone You Love Is Kinky". It may help.




Lady Pact, once again, provides depth and substance to this discussion!

Clearly, you, LP, provide advice, that i agree with ... based on my personal experience.

So strudel ... if i can say ... listen to LP ... she really does have insight here. I believe it is the viewpoint you are looking for here.


Edited to correct quoting the wrong post ... sorry about that ... fat fingers.



domiguy -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/18/2010 1:49:03 PM)

I really think that Domiguy nailed it. Except for missing that it was a mandolin.

I apologize to anyone that was offended due to my lack of stringed instrument knowledge. Since music has been cut out of many of our school programs you can expect errors such as this to be on the rise.

OP, you will not be missed.



crazyml -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/18/2010 2:36:47 PM)

FFS - couldn't you see it was a mandolin? I mean when people confuse guitars and mandolins it's a proper fucked up world. sheesh.



domiguy -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/18/2010 3:42:29 PM)

I can see now how my post must have infuriated the op. For this, I am deeply sorry.

My ignorance knows no depths.



brainiacsub -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/18/2010 4:18:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I can see now how my post must have infuriated the op. For this, I am deeply sorry.

My ignorance knows no depths.

This.



cloudboy -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/18/2010 9:10:36 PM)

I have a BDSM relationship outside of my marriage. The arrangement has been in place for about five (5) years.

The key for me/us has been boundaries; getting to a workable point was a trial and error process.

It is possible to find non monogamous ways to solve a problem, but its really tricky working backwards after getting married.

The idiots who don't understand that primal jealously issues still exist in open situations lack experience. Shoot me PM sometime if you need someone to listen.



hertz -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 2:41:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

No you cannot delete it. It will stand as a reminder for future generations about the hypocrisy that lies in so many of us.


I am glad that you fucked yourself. I don't like the pic of you playing your guitar, it's stupid.


Does this reply infringe the TOS?



ranja -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 4:07:17 AM)

i quite like the picture with the mandolin and the sea, although a smile would not have gone amiss... i like the black Jezus aswell, especially his mouth

i had a dream about domiguy... oh the things he did...
luckily i get on with my Husband...



Aynne88 -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 6:00:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

No you cannot delete it. It will stand as a reminder for future generations about the hypocrisy that lies in so many of us.


I am glad that you fucked yourself. I don't like the pic of you playing your guitar, it's stupid.


Does this reply infringe the TOS?

 

Well you certainly hope so don't you? [8|]...



strudel -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 7:08:13 AM)

Thank you cloudboy. It is a primal emotion. If I were cold and heartless, I wouldn't have even questioned what I am doing or thinking. I am only human like the rest here. And I don't believe for one minute that some people here have never had a moral decision that weighed heavy on their soul. So I had the balls to ask the question. To get real with myself. Some live their whole lives and never get real with themselves.

I love my husband. If I didn't, this probably wouldn't be a question for me. When we were on our break, and he was in Mi and I in Tn, I cried almost everyday because I missed him. It hurt like having half your heart ripped out. Being apart made me stop focusing on the bs and find my true feelings again.

But I am also a creature of lust and desire. One person replied to basically get over it and masturbate. Been doind that for the last 20ish years. Even bought a new bullet to replace the broken one. Bought my husband a flogger for his birthday and wrote him a creative multipage card detailing some of my kinks and why I like them so and why I feel the way I do. Sort of a primer for Bdsm as I understand it. Still waiting for action........

If someone told you that you were going to live in an ungratifying sexual relationship for The REST OF YOUR LIFE... I think more then a few would run.

The 22 y.o he was involved with who later was 17 carved my husbands name in her leg when he broke it off. Then had a pregnancy scare due to her taken used condoms and fliping them inside out in her, I had to buy pregnancy tests for my husbands fling because she had no money. Then she came to my home, with my kids and friends over and appologized to my face. Then she continued to make contact and call and beg for things. Then started the prank calling. That is why I don't approve of his actions. They are not even romotely good. I had to be directly involved with the aftermath of this fling. That is my problem with that.

I am trying to figure out how to not live a life of chastity becuase I didn't sign up for that.

I understand that what I expect for myself goes for him to. I understand that I must have open communication with him. Thank you again for the contructive comments I got. The rest are just a waste of kb.





hertz -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 7:49:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aynne88

quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

No you cannot delete it. It will stand as a reminder for future generations about the hypocrisy that lies in so many of us.


I am glad that you fucked yourself. I don't like the pic of you playing your guitar, it's stupid.


Does this reply infringe the TOS?

 

Well you certainly hope so don't you? [8|]...


What I hope is that infringements of the TOS are dealt with appropriately regardless of anyone's personal feelings about those who break the agreed terms.



KatyLied -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 8:11:13 AM)

I would not be in a relationship with a man who bought that sort of instability (his crazy fling) into my life.  I would not have to spend a lot of time thinking about how much I despise that sort of intrusion.



ranja -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 8:37:22 AM)

Strudel... for your husband to be so inadequate that he can not even have a decent fling in this window of opportunity is very disturbing...
Did he go for a young girl so he could feel experienced... maybe his hope was she would be easily impressed?
she surely displayed hopeless needy behaviour... behaviour that you then had to deal with... you seem quite organised and capable... and your husband seems to be bumbling along like a headless chicken no wonder he can not dominate you

If you want to safe your marriage and create fulfilling sex with him you have to start manipulating the man, build him up

don't tell him what you want or need, instead give him what he needs and slowly but surely lift him up to the best husband he can possibly be.

it is very difficult to build up a man, as most submissive persons want this uber dom to be mr wonderful know it all and the best turn on ever... he might be in there, you will have to find the right buttons and push them

good luck



Jeffff -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 9:05:13 AM)

I recognized it was a mandolin Immediately!

I also recognized the hypocrisy.


People are CRAZY!

hertz seems very unhappy.



DarkSteven -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 9:07:29 AM)

What if mandolins were a hard limit for me and I failed to recognize it for what it was?  We Doms must never relax our vigilance.



Jeffff -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 9:08:31 AM)

I happen to own a mandolin.

Banjo's are a hard limit however.

Bagpipes too.



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