RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (Full Version)

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DarkSteven -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 9:10:00 AM)

Jeffff, I am sincerely sorry to hear that.  You would have made a good friend, had you not violated one of my hard limits.



hertz -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 9:52:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

hertz seems very unhappy.



I can assure you I am not. You seem to have problems though. Maybe this would help?



Jeffff -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 9:56:25 AM)

I imagine you own a banjo.

.




crazyml -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 10:31:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel

Thank you cloudboy. It is a primal emotion. If I were cold and heartless, I wouldn't have even questioned what I am doing or thinking. I am only human like the rest here. And I don't believe for one minute that some people here have never had a moral decision that weighed heavy on their soul. So I had the balls to ask the question. To get real with myself. Some live their whole lives and never get real with themselves.


I've confronted and witnessed a good number of moral dilemmas, but this isn't much of a dilemma morally. You're looking for permission and support in doing something that is really very wrong - That's not a dilemma, it doesn't need any soul searching whatsoever.

quote:




I love my husband. If I didn't, this probably wouldn't be a question for me. When we were on our break, and he was in Mi and I in Tn, I cried almost everyday because I missed him. It hurt like having half your heart ripped out. Being apart made me stop focusing on the bs and find my true feelings again.


Here's the problem - your actions don't seem to those of someone who "loves her husband".

quote:



But I am also a creature of lust and desire. One person replied to basically get over it and masturbate. Been doind that for the last 20ish years. Even bought a new bullet to replace the broken one. Bought my husband a flogger for his birthday and wrote him a creative multipage card detailing some of my kinks and why I like them so and why I feel the way I do. Sort of a primer for Bdsm as I understand it. Still waiting for action........

If someone told you that you were going to live in an ungratifying sexual relationship for The REST OF YOUR LIFE... I think more then a few would run.

The 22 y.o he was involved with who later was 17 carved my husbands name in her leg when he broke it off. Then had a pregnancy scare due to her taken used condoms and fliping them inside out in her, I had to buy pregnancy tests for my husbands fling because she had no money. Then she came to my home, with my kids and friends over and appologized to my face. Then she continued to make contact and call and beg for things. Then started the prank calling. That is why I don't approve of his actions. They are not even romotely good. I had to be directly involved with the aftermath of this fling. That is my problem with that.


So he had an unlucky encounter, while I'm sure you're possessed of a ton of common sense and nouse even the smartest most careful person can end up hooking up with an evil bastard psycho of a dom. With some bad luck the story could have been of him coming to Tn to collect you from the hospital.

quote:



I am trying to figure out how to not live a life of chastity becuase I didn't sign up for that.



That's pretty evident!

I don't think anyone is seriously suggesting chastity. But you have to make a choice, that is fair for you, your husband and your child. It really, really, is not all about you.

quote:



I understand that what I expect for myself goes for him to. I understand that I must have open communication with him. Thank you again for the contructive comments I got.


quote:


The rest are just a waste of kb.


Quite. Your unwillingness to read the criticism and reflect upon it renders it a waste of kb.

So in the spirit of constructive...

I'd sincerely encourage you to reflect on all of the comments you've seen.

I think you should take the advice of DarkSteven and LadyPact, but you know - I think I'm helping too by sharing my reaction to a set of behaviours and a mindset that presents itself as really really unpleasant.



Pyramus -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 11:40:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: strudel

hubby and I have been married ...Our son ... I moved ... We agreed ... I found BDSM ... he found ... He came to bring me home... working things out ... I had to intercede ... end this fling ... reconciliation...been 3 months now...dying to meet with a Dom....I will be cheating ...don't need that guilt... don't want to create a situation ...love my husband... faults...we somehow complement each other at the most important moments.


Sounds pretty much like every other marriage out there (except in the details themselves).

Mine is similar, only I'm the kinkster and she's the nun. We have kids. We have Catholic family. Nosy neighbors. All that.

She can see whomever she wants; so can I. We're a couple except in bed. We sleep in separate wings of the house (luckily it's huge so we have our own entrances). We're a family, except in bed. We're married, except in bed.

Did I sign up for this? No. Did she? Nope. Are we good people, yep. Are we totally different in the boudoir? You betcha.

Every group, whether it's a couple, or a gang, or a homeowner association, a town, a city, a state, a country, etc., every group is imperfect.

We the people ... in order to form a more perfect union ... should be the marriage vows. The point is there is no perfect union (at least I've never seen one face to face). Certainly I've never been in one. We all WANT it; so we seek the more perfect union.

But, we get what we got. Take it or leave it. Those who say you should get divorced also would say nuke North Korea and Iran. The point is there are other ways for both of you to have a more perfect union. MANY other ways.

Just one way would be for you to have your thing, and for him to be ignorant of it.

Another would be for him to have his own and you yours, in the boudoir, and nowhere else.

Another would be ... and another ... and another ...

Point is there are MANY solutions ... just pick one and work it out. It's an imperfect union. It never will be perfect. Everything is a compromise and a workaround. Good luck!

(PS: I haven't figured out the solution to my dilemma, either so take my advice with a plug of ginger!)



domiguy -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 12:09:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

No you cannot delete it. It will stand as a reminder for future generations about the hypocrisy that lies in so many of us.


I am glad that you fucked yourself. I don't like the pic of you playing your guitar, it's stupid.

Does this reply infringe the TOS?




Is there a way to get male subs and switches on to their own site? www.bitchmuch.com?



DesFIP -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 12:45:42 PM)

I'm wondering if a lot of the op's angst isn't because she's a mother of a preschooler. She goes out and walks the dog and no longer is it "Hi Sue", it's "Hi Mrs. Jones" or "Hi, Jordan's mom" or the worst "Hi Fido's mom". She's no longer getting the attention she once did that served to fuel her self esteem as a desirable sexual female. So she's looking for it elsewhere.

OP, you can always go cheat. That's always going to be an option. But it's the worst option. Since you don't trust your husband's judgment when he's thinking with the small head, decide that you both get to meet each other's possible other partners and you both have veto rights. Decide that the marriage is more important.

Which means either of you can get your ego fed and the other can preserve the relationship by not letting it go too far with the wrong person. That's one safe way to do it. But better if you deal with your other issues first. Opening the marriage is not the thing to do when it's shaky any more than having a baby would be. This are very stressful situations that require the marriage be solid first. And to make the marriage more solid, first you deal with your own issues while he deals with his.

No one is saying you can't get your needs met forever, you're the one who's projecting 30 years of unsatisfactory sex. We're just saying that you can make six months without it while you really work on everything else. Not just lip service, but be committed to solving problems. And that's what we're not hearing, that you're willing to do the hard work on yourself first. Instead you're looking for a quick solution. One which will cause much worse problems down the line.



hertz -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 1:37:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

quote:

ORIGINAL: hertz

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

No you cannot delete it. It will stand as a reminder for future generations about the hypocrisy that lies in so many of us.


I am glad that you fucked yourself. I don't like the pic of you playing your guitar, it's stupid.

Does this reply infringe the TOS?




Is there a way to get male subs and switches on to their own site? www.bitchmuch.com?


I imagine so. But if you really need to ask that question, I think your 'dominant' status may need serious examination. Are you sure you're not some sort of pussy?



cloudboy -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 2:14:33 PM)

One thing I've learned is that relationships and emotions don't make sense or fit into neat boxes; while the marriage police are vigilant with their calls to order and zeal to prosecute deviants, their ranks tend to be populated by the unmarried and the divorced. In some ways its better to adapt to disorder; at least this way you don't have to blow up relationships or cast a partner off a cliff for taking or wanting the unanticipated road. This also allow individuals more room to be themselves as opposed to conforming to societal norms.



cloudboy -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 2:15:48 PM)


Whatever you do, don't become a marriage counselor.



SeparatedSub -> RE: How can I have a 'Nilla Husband and home life and still enjoy my new found desire for BDSM? (9/19/2010 11:37:19 PM)

I appreciate the post, strudel, it's timely for me.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, needing to make a decision.  She's vanilla, and I've craved bondage and control literally since kindergarten.  We ignored this and got married anyhow.  Two kids later, things got complicated for plenty of reasons.  We're in counseling.  I'm busting my butt.  But this is the one issue I can't see being resolved.  It feels ridiculous to me that this is such a big issue, but it always has been.  Pretending it's not is making me truly miserable.   I've enjoyed reading most of the posts from this thread.

I guess mine is a case of poor choices leading to difficult choices, but I wish you all the best in making your own choices.

K



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