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Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 12:36:08 PM   
DisenchantedLife


Posts: 193
Status: offline 		So, from everything I've read and heard over the years here on CM and else where. Obeying should be as simple as 1, 2, 3. Dom says do and since we are submissive, by nature or desire - we do. Its what we’re here for so it should be easy peasy. Its not.

I've never struggled with it like I have now. It is getting better. For me - Obey is working past a whole bunch of internal junk, outside influences and who we have grown to be to survive life. When my ex and I first started working things out, even though deep down I knew what I wanted, I knew I needed it, and I knew it was my happy place - obey (and or anything not my way) sent me into a tizzy of anger or had me shutting down. It was my way or the highway. Which obviously doesnt work well with some one who is Dominant by nature. Obviously. My way has helped me and my family survive the hell we went through the past few years. If I didn’t take control, God knows were we would be now. Stand up or shut up.

Obey to me; now means letting go of my survival method and relaxing. (the world wont fall apart just cos I’m doing it differently) Its a whole lot of things.

My reflex is to shut down and insert 6 feet of space between my Dom and I. It is mentally easier than obeying. Doesn’t do me any good, doesn’t help, def isn’t my happy place and I lose all the things that full fill me when I do obey. I suppose I am lucky that he is teaching me to open again and talk.

I wish obeying was as easy as it seems, I would be surprised if it was easy for everybody. Change is never easy. I bet most of us go from running our lives to submitting and allowing another to run it. To allow another to run it means sorting through our own personal junk so we can obey. What is it others find most difficult about the change? Simply the change? Sorting through the walls we put up to protect us from the difficulties of life? Learning to share our feelings/emotions? Letting go of the stress and worry of making sure things are okay in our lives?

I am about 2 months in of a 24/7 relationship. I am doing much better than the first few weeks. I see more struggles a head. I still find myself frustrated and having difficulty when I am told no or when what I want is not what I am getting. But it’s a lot better than all the arguing I was doing. I doubt its going to be easy, but little steps eh? I expect this is part of the journey. Learning to let go, learning to dump the personal junk so we can be who we are.


I am interested in others struggles/journey when it comes to giving over control on a 24/7 basis. I'd like to clarify that the difficult part for me is not bedroom activities or once in awhile activities. For me its the every day things, random mundane BS. For example - I must ask to smoke a cigarette. The rule has recently changed to include while I’m out, now I must call and ask. There are a lot of little rules that change how I go about and the things I do in life. Like smoking. Or going to sleep with the TV or simply how I organize my fridge or my house. Or hell, how I drive. it’s the whole picture.

I’m not looking for advice on my relationship or how we do things. Simply the struggle of change. I am most interested on how others coped with a change similar to mine.

Thx



_____________________________

I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe
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RE: Obeying isn't 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 2:07:23 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		I don't think this 24/7 business is right for me. P Too much work.

I do have a suggestion:
If he were to blindfold you and direct you to walk backwards around the house, I believe that you would eventually give up on questioning whether you're going to run into any sharp furniture.
Of course, running you into walls could be entertaining.

Talk about conditionning...

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 2:15:19 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

I am interested in others struggles/journey when it comes to giving over control on a 24/7 basis. I'd like to clarify that the difficult part for me is not bedroom activities or once in awhile activities. For me its the every day things, random mundane BS. For example - I must ask to smoke a cigarette. The rule has recently changed to include while I’m out, now I must call and ask. There are a lot of little rules that change how I go about and the things I do in life. Like smoking. Or going to sleep with the TV or simply how I organize my fridge or my house. Or hell, how I drive. it’s the whole picture.


There are different sort of dynamics that people live under. I never had any particular action that i had to ask permission to do in my past relationships. They didn't want me to do that, but there were things I struggled with. HHe wanted me to write down everything I did over 24 hour period and time myself doing it to see where I was spending my time, for example. It was a task I couldn't somehow seem to do correctly, and I remember feeling like I was set up to fail. It has not always been easy for me to "obey", but for that one thing, it was damn near impossible for me no matter how hard I tried, and i tried, for weeks, to time everything I did, from taking a shower to driving to the store, to shopping... he wanted every little thing written down and timed. It caused me much stress. He wanted me to send a daily log... and all the entries had to add up to 24 hours... they never did. I felt like a cashier with a short register and like I was being accused of stealing what was short. We actually broke up for a couple of months over it.

What did I learn by this? I love being submissive, but a dominant that seeks that much control and to micromanage me isn't right for me. I want to know that what I am being told to do is going to build either our relationship up, or me up. I do best with men that have the last word, but do not need to exert their control over every little thing. If this relationship style doesn't make me as happy as it makes him, I am not interested in it.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 2:25:00 PM   
KariCloud


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		Obeying can be simple. But after only two months, I wouldn't expect there to be enough trust and enough proven history to make obeying simple.

Maybe if there were 5 years of relationship history, of this person proving to you that he or she was trustworthy, that obeying would lead to good results, that their decision-making skills were sound and in line with what you want.. and if then you still were struggling with obeying, I might see something there.

Otherwise, I'd call that NORMAL.

Even if you've known this person all your life, it will still take time and work for them to prove to you (and your subconscious drive for survival) that they are worthy of being obeyed in this new role they have taken. And on average, people jump in to 24/7 D/s relationships without that lifetime of prior experience as friends, which makes it even more critical to your basic survival to not simply obey.

It isn't any defect in you, or anything wrong with the relationship, or anything that one should strive to change, this difficulty in obedience in the beginning. Just give it time. Time for your dominant to prove him or herself to you and for you to get used to this person and their unique perspectives, wants, needs, etc. It won't, shouldn't, can't happen overnight. Two months is hardly much time at all.

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 2:29:40 PM   
SensualMz


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Obey to me; now means letting go of my survival method and relaxing. (the world wont fall apart just cos I’m doing it differently) Its a whole lot of things.


Obedience is an action taken, by choice, to comply,
over and over again.

Obedience is not an expectation.
Each episode where an action to obey occurs, one only hopes that obedience follows.

There are expectations of obedience when trust and respect are the reason for the obedience.  (sorry that sentence sounds garbled ~~ hope I speak clearer the next time)

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 3:50:50 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I do so much better when I just obey. The last few months I struggled with that also and tried to make decisions on my own.
The result was a tremendous amount of passive aggressiveness on my part and we actually ended our relationship twice within that timeframe.
I broke the most basic and important rule of our relationship...I do what he says.
I find it easy to obey him. I now realize how vital and important it is for that to be the foundation of our relationship.
He always has my best intentions in mind and I'm always able to ask questions to understand why he has asked for a certain thing.

_____________________________



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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 4:06:01 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		Sorry to hear you're having a tough time.

For me, I realized that while I loved submission, I didn't love relinquishing control all of the time.  I'm way too independent and Type A, and that meant that for me, I had to re-examine what I wanted out of my relationships with my Dommes.  I romanticized for myself, what I thought my life would be like as a 24/7 live-in....but after a few short months, I gained a lot perspective about what lifestyle was consistent with my personality. 

good luck to you both--I hope things work out.

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 4:15:32 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		When I was younger it was not so easy to obey but I was also with men who were not reliable or dependable and so I had no choice but to disobey or it would have destroyed one of us or both of us.

Now that I'm older though I find obeying to be rather easy but I'm also with a man who I trust completely and who is the most reliable and trustworthy man I've ever met. He's smart, down to earth and isn't extreme about life. He's very level headed and knows how to get things done. I don't ever have to feel like I have to be in control with him. He always takes the reigns and ya know..it feels so very good to be able to just relax and not have to worry about what my next move will be or how I will get from point A to point B. I trust him to get us, him or me there.

I think it all comes down to maturity and finding the right partner in life.

(in reply to hausboy)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 5:55:23 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

It was my way or the highway. Which obviously doesnt work well with some one who is Dominant by nature. Obviously.


This made me laugh hard. :D

Two months is very early. Would you expect to be able to play the piano beautifully in just two months? Obedience is equally as complicated and full of fine points beyond the basics to learn. It can take, literally, years to learn to obey well. You're just beginning, and like you said, prior to this you were in a situation where (your) taking charge was mandatory to survival. I think it's impossible to instantly switch from one extreme to another. What impresses me about you is that you're self-conscious of all this, you're not just reacting blindly or blaming your dom, you're trying to work with him, understand your own reactions, find ways to improve. That's all quite commendable and things you'll want to continue to do throughout this relationship even when (maybe especially when) things run more smoothly. So I think you're doing the right things mostly, you're doing just fine, but it would help (you) if you gave yourself a break and did not expect a Roman slave to be built in one day. ;) Forgive yourself. That's easier to do when your Dom is forgiving too. I hope for your sake he is! Be happy when you acomplish a tiny step and something no longer bothers you. These things will start to get less important as time goes on, say a couple of years. If you are very disturbed by something and your dominant doesn't handle it well, it may take more than a couple of years to start to feel comfortable, but it can still happen, so, as they were wont to say between episodes of Gankutsuou (as things got more and more screwed up), "Hang on to your hope!"

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 6:43:27 PM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline 		Obeying is likened to the harvest of submission and the beauty of surrender.

Take care!

(in reply to DisenchantedLife)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 7:23:20 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CaringandReal

Two months is very early.


And here I'm thinking 10 minutes is about all it really needs to take.

You think I'm kidding.

I know I handle my 'situations' a little differently than others, but the relationships I've had with my partners tend to be a little closer-knit than where two months is borderline unreasonable.

I understand my relevance is waning quickly, but I thought the above needed to be said.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to CaringandReal)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 8:09:59 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

I know I handle my 'situations' a little differently than others, but the relationships I've had with my partners tend to be a little closer-knit than where two months is borderline unreasonable.


Are you saying two months is unreasonable to expect complete unquestioning obedience? or are you saying you take more time to get close enough to someone to expect it?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mstrjx)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 8:27:21 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I have never been, nor would ever be, in a dynamic that was a micromanagement situation. I would not want someone who told me what to do all the time; I prefer someone who would like to support me in my life, not control it. I don't understand the word obey; other than in a sexual situation. In my life situation I could never do something like write down everything I did, no offense Julia. It would be pointless for me.

I prefer to be with someone who inspires me and helps me improve things, is there to give advice, run things by and who I can destress with.

I would do the same for him. I have a different type of D/s situation in mind that is not 24/7 and that is ok; I only need the right person to share that ideal with me.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 8:32:23 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		sexyred1, can we please clone you?

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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 8:36:19 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

I know I handle my 'situations' a little differently than others, but the relationships I've had with my partners tend to be a little closer-knit than where two months is borderline unreasonable.


Are you saying two months is unreasonable to expect complete unquestioning obedience? or are you saying you take more time to get close enough to someone to expect it?


No.  Less time.  Closer to the 10 minutes.

Really.

For definition purposes:  My relationships aren't occasional.  They don't include dates.  There is generally physical contact as often as possible, and on the phone probably daily if they aren't live-in.  When I'm invested, you know it, and you would be need to be too.

If somebody isn't in an emotional position to be in a relationship, then they probably need to understand that about themselves before getting anywhere near me.

Don't get stuck in a train tunnel and think you hear something.  It's already too late.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 8:37:53 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

sexyred1, can we please clone you?


haha...sweet. I am sure there are those who feel the same as I do, we just have to find them.

(in reply to Twoshoes)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 8:38:09 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

In my life situation I could never do something like write down everything I did, no offense Julia. It would be pointless for me.


Why would I be offended, it was pointless for me, other than causing me so much anxiety I began to have panic attacks, and as a result I began to get rather snotty about the entire thing, which was why we broke up. I was very disrespectful about my lack of resolve to continue with the entire project because it was making me miserable. I tried very hard to do it. It wasn't that he didn't love me, or that he wanted to be mean to me, he actually thought he was helping me. He had no idea how much I was struggling through it until I became so overwhelmed I imploded. I am prone to anxiety and perfectionism, though.

I learned a lot about my needs and desires through it, though, which was a positive thing. The OP stated unequivocally that she did not want advice, otherwise I would have addressed her situation. A new relationship is still finding its balance of the D and the s... it is a time of feeling each other out to see if there is compatibility. I move more slowly than to give someone a lot of power over my life in 2 months. After 2 months I may know whether or not we have a chance to be more than "dating", but full blown D/s where they control my day and tell me whether or not I can smoke or drink or cuss? Nope. If they do not mostly like me the way I am at 2 months, and they are trying to significantly alter me to fit some mental ideal they have of a female... well they can keep looking. I want someone that can live with me just as I am, I don't want to be molded or changed, or trained.

But I am different from most submissives I am thinking. I also think I am always thinking of ways to improve myself, so I am not a fix-it-upper project.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 8:46:22 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

In my life situation I could never do something like write down everything I did, no offense Julia. It would be pointless for me.


But I am different from most submissives I am thinking. I also think I am always thinking of ways to improve myself, so I am not a fix-it-upper project.


I am different in the same way, well put. :)

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 8:47:24 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrjx

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

I know I handle my 'situations' a little differently than others, but the relationships I've had with my partners tend to be a little closer-knit than where two months is borderline unreasonable.


Are you saying two months is unreasonable to expect complete unquestioning obedience? or are you saying you take more time to get close enough to someone to expect it?


No.  Less time.  Closer to the 10 minutes.

Really.

For definition purposes:  My relationships aren't occasional.  They don't include dates.  There is generally physical contact as often as possible, and on the phone probably daily if they aren't live-in.  When I'm invested, you know it, and you would be need to be too.

If somebody isn't in an emotional position to be in a relationship, then they probably need to understand that about themselves before getting anywhere near me.

Don't get stuck in a train tunnel and think you hear something.  It's already too late.

Jeff


Well if it works for you and you have found appropriate relationships this way, go you!

I tend to break bones when I just dive in without looking to see if the pool is shallow or there is a rock in the way. I recently was seeing someone for about two months and he expected a lot more submission than I could provide. He raged at me when I questioned, etc. I thought we were in one place and he had this idea we were in an entirely different one. Like you, he thought 10 minutes was enough,... for me, it was WAY off base. I am very glad I took my time as he had anger management issues, and if I hadn't been hesitant about the entire thing, perhaps I would have discovered his anger issues when I was in a precarious situation. This has taught me an important lesson... look both ways before crossing the street, being cautious is a good idea, especially when trusting someone to make decisions for me.

I want that one day, but only after a man has proven he is reliable. I don't enjoy "playing" at submission before I actually give it, and if I try to give it too soon, it just isn't "real" because in the back of my mind I am measuring the man against his words and I am not really trusting him..

Just my experience over the last couple of months of getting back out there and seeking another mate.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Obeying isnt 1 +1 - 9/21/2010 9:01:15 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Julia, I'm not picking on you, or anyone really.

We all have yardsticks where we measure our own emotional availability.  As much as anyone claims that D/s relationships are no different than vanilla relationships (inasmuch as non-kink elements are concerned), when it comes down to expectations of power/control exchange, they aren't the same as vanilla relationships, in my way of thinking.

When you (anyone) decides you're ready for an authority-based relationship, you have to be faced with maintaining or accepting the authority.

If the shades are too grey, you're probably not ready.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 20
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