How do you become a good Dom?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

How do you become a good Dom?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> How do you become a good Dom?

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 11:41:50 AM

MaverickUnleash

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

I am currently wondering how you become a dominant in a relationship but so far I have not found anything that can help me with that matter. I'm hoping someone could help me along with this.

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 11:44:41 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

First, state:

1. Why is it that you want to be a Dom?
2. What qualities do you see a Dom as having?
3. What qualities do you see in yourself?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MaverickUnleash)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 12:12:50 PM

MaverickUnleash

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

Ok then
1. I enjoy having control. Complete control is how I was taught as a life skill. The thought of having total control is a good feeling for me. It lets me know that I am in control and nobody can tell me other wise.
2.The qualities I see a Dom having is complete control over whomever submits to them, a knowledge of good and bad(Except when certain pportunites are open to you), making sure your sub knows what you expect from them at all times.
3. I see myself having the controlling nature of a Dom. With certain projects and work, I make sure people know what I expect and to get it done right.
I am competely open for comments and critisims about my post. If I offended anyone, sorry in advanced.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 1:06:25 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

ok so you know these things about yourself.

I'm puzzled.

What else do you need to know?

Find a woman who is compatible with you and wants a man like you and both do what comes naturally to you.

There's nothing else to it.

(in reply to MaverickUnleash)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 1:08:53 PM

MaverickUnleash

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

Well I know these things but I've never actually implimented them.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 1:17:07 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

A good Dom to one slave may be an awful match for an other.
Just be yourself and as already mentioned, find someone that fits with you.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to MaverickUnleash)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 1:20:38 PM

MaverickUnleash

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

I didn't mean good as in a kind one. I meant as in I would be doing my resposibilities correctly

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 1:20:46 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Be as good as you can be and find another person that fits you. You could be the finest dominant to one person and really sucky to another. It's the decent person aspect and a person compatible with you that matters. All else flows from there.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to MaverickUnleash)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 2:09:01 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

Just keep it as simple as possible and laugh at your mistakes. Can't possibly fail that way.

If you're asking in general, things that give you responsibility could work on those qualities: Student government, organizing a sports team, inspiring a rebellion, etc.

You would be surprised at how difficult it is to get just 8 people to do anything at the same time...

As far as women go, just keep it simple, role play, don't bother trying to be responsible for their lives.
Take some dancing lessons. I know it sounds strange, but I swear it'll help with certain qualities.

Most important part: Figure out what makes your potential submissive partner happy. Actually, figure out what makes everyone around you happy... (Ask.)

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 9/26/2010 2:28:25 PM >

(in reply to Lockit)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 2:35:31 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Since this is all new to you, you might benefit from joining your local community and meeting other dominants. Use the more experienced ones as sounding boards, mentors if you will. Also try to find a copy of The Loving Dominant.

Beyond that, pay attention. Pay attention to how your sub reacts, to what works for her and what doesn't. Because what works for one is bad for another. Don't try to fit the person you're with into a pre-existing box in your head, don't pattern yourself on porn. And have good communication always which includes the ability to accept that when you screw up, you deserve to be reamed out by your partner. If you can't accept criticism, then you don't belong in a relationship.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Twoshoes)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 2:47:47 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaverickUnleash

I am currently wondering how you become a dominant in a relationship but so far I have not found anything that can help me with that matter. I'm hoping someone could help me along with this.

I suppose this a variant of self-mastery......

Understand yourself first and foremost....your beliefs that drive your actions...e.g. do you believe consequences are everything when deciding a course of action or do you believe commitment to a principle is everything....or a balance to an extent?...what do you value?.....that sort of thing....I'd imagine anyone would need to be well versed in their own beliefs...reasons for such beliefs....confidence in the truth of their beliefs...after all the more confident you are and the more evidence you have for your beliefs....then the more decisively you act......upon understanding yourself and what you need and how you think.....then you can find a woman in accordance with these ideals...and build a relationship that suits your character......until that point....everything else is feeling around in the dark....

All of this is underpinned by the philosophical question: how should I live my life......and that should be the starting point....

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to MaverickUnleash)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 3:17:18 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

You are eighteen years old. You don't know a lot of shit.

That's not a put down it is simply accurate. I always get a little concerned when I see someone so yuoung wanting to get involved in all of this. It usually means that there is something else there, usually not so pleasant, that has brought them to this doorstep so early in life.

Maybe you should focus on growing more into manhood than trying to figure out how to control someone else.

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 3:20:40 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Since this is all new to you, you might benefit from joining your local community and meeting other dominants. Use the more experienced ones as sounding boards, mentors if you will. Also try to find a copy of The Loving Dominant.

Beyond that, pay attention. Pay attention to how your sub reacts, to what works for her and what doesn't. Because what works for one is bad for another. Don't try to fit the person you're with into a pre-existing box in your head, don't pattern yourself on porn. And have good communication always which includes the ability to accept that when you screw up, you deserve to be reamed out by your partner. If you can't accept criticism, then you don't belong in a relationship.

I am so glad somebody said this. CM is a great site, but it's not going to make the OP insta-Dom. It's really not an add water and stir kind of thing.

There is a great book list on ResidentSadist's sig line above. See what books interest you, OP. There is a lot you can learn that way.

Once you have done that (or during) look to adding some practical experience. Go to your local munch and meet folks. Those are the people who are doing what it is that you want to do. Learn from them. Check out the different styles they have and what works for them. What would fit you? We really don't all do this the same way.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 13

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 3:26:02 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

#1. You can't dominate someone that isn't willing to be dominated, anymore than someone else can dominate you. People are stubborn, they will cut their own throat to spite their face. So your first issue is finding someone that is willing to be dominated. This is key

#2. The act of searching is difficult. There are more of us out there hunting then of people that know they are submissive and are willing to submit. A key thing is to remember who you are and maintain your own dominance while you are searching. If you don't act dominant in the search, then no one will want to submit to you. No begging. You are in charge.

#3. Gain expertise. Learn. Take classes. Watch other people. Ask questions.

#4. Don't be greedy or over-estimate your own attractiveness. Submissives are just as shallow as Dominants. If you are a gay man, get in shape. Don't expect to attract someone that is in better shape than you, unless you got a lot of cash and/or an in demand job (Cop, fireman, lawyer, doctor, politician) If you are a straight man under 5'8, your best bet will be overweight women (90% of women want someone tall - even if they are themselves short. Submissive women usually want someone MUCH taller than them). A tall fat man beats a thin short guy (one study found that women would rather date a violent convict than a 5'0" man). Again, a great job/cash may counter this.

#5. I suggest that at first you play with anyone that is willing to play with you. I made the mistake of not doing this when I was younger. Yeah, it may not lead to anything, but you will at least gain experience and friends are always good.

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Profile

Post #: 14

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 3:30:42 PM

smartsub10

Posts: 865
Joined: 4/23/2010
Status: offline

quote:

If you are a straight man under 5'8, your best bet will be overweight women

Why? Large women can't be selective?

What an obnoxious statement to make.

_____________________________

Beauty fades...stupid is forever
~ Judge Judith Scheindlin
____________________________________________

“Be that self which one truly is" ~Soren Kierkegaard

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Profile

Post #: 15

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 4:13:44 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smartsub10

quote:

If you are a straight man under 5'8, your best bet will be overweight women

Why? Large women can't be selective?
What an obnoxious statement to make.

You two are beautiful.

Now The real question is like...
what too I do if I'm like really... like short and thin and so hideously ugly-like that, like, my nickname is "The Widowmaker"?
No dice?

Swell .../ / /... Least I'z got chocolate milk.

(in reply to smartsub10)

Profile

Post #: 16

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 4:16:40 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit
If you are a straight man under 5'8, your best bet will be overweight women (90% of women want someone tall - even if they are themselves short. Submissive women usually want someone MUCH taller than them)..

Hell, if you're under 5'8", find a short woman and lie to her and say you're over six foot. She'll never know the difference. Aside to the wimmins reading this: My suggestion in no way, shape, or form relates to any other practices that men are alleged to do.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Profile

Post #: 17

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 4:29:15 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

#4. Don't be greedy or over-estimate your own attractiveness. Submissives are just as shallow as Dominants. If you are a gay man, get in shape. Don't expect to attract someone that is in better shape than you, unless you got a lot of cash and/or an in demand job (Cop, fireman, lawyer, doctor, politician) If you are a straight man under 5'8, your best bet will be overweight women (90% of women want someone tall - even if they are themselves short. Submissive women usually want someone MUCH taller than them). A tall fat man beats a thin short guy (one study found that women would rather date a violent convict than a 5'0" man). Again, a great job/cash may counter this.

#5. I suggest that at first you play with anyone that is willing to play with you. I made the mistake of not doing this when I was younger. Yeah, it may not lead to anything, but you will at least gain experience and friends are always good.

LOL... please don't put your limitations on others. Some of us like them any way they come as long as they have a brain and some humor... and fuck really well. Key is, make her laugh and sparkle with the occasional intelligence.. in other words, prove you aren't stupid and fuck really well.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Profile

Post #: 18

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 4:43:24 PM

Zevar

Posts: 801
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaverickUnleash

I am currently wondering how you become a dominant in a relationship but so far I have not found anything that can help me with that matter. I'm hoping someone could help me along with this.

In essence there are no “ How to become good at being dominant” manuals. Nor are there tips and tidbits of information to form anyone into being dominant who is not. Controlling as in micro-managing others is not necessarily dominance. Without self-mastery dominance cannot truly be produced in a manner that is indicative of the personal self mastery of an individual in all they set forth to accomplish. Acts of dominance as in sexual acts with others can be perceived as dominant. Yet from a perspective of character who you are when the sexual act is through is a good barometer to note.

Take note, others cannot make their definition of dominance right for you. Dominance is not something that can be sold or bought. Perhaps you are seeking suggestions along the lines of dominant sexual acts? If you are I have nothing to add as I do not think of dominance as related to sexual acts or sexuality at all. Not that dominance does not transfer into all areas of ones Life when they are dominant as it does.

However what I am saying is dominance is something that is derived from a natural order of Life in my experience. You are either dominant or not. If so then act upon that which is natural with a consenting adult partner if your choice is to be sexually active in a dominant manner. Also one does not have to be sexually active at all to be dominant.

If you are not dominant and only seek to control others then I would seriously take a few steps back and sort the whole subject of dominance VS control VS sexual acts that include dominant tendencies. I realize that you are attempting to understand being dominant by way of this thread. I applaud your efforts and at the same time I caution asking others to define dominance for you. Asking questions to understand techniques that those who identify within the BDSM realm may have pointers for you is great and I applaud your efforts. Education is a must in all of Life.

However what I can offer you is to never allow another to define for yourself what dominance means to you. Finally never feel any shame when identifying as a man who is dominant, do so without apology, aye! I encourage to forge your own path. Never look back. Above all never forsake your willingness to commit yourself to self-examination with the goal of becoming the dominant man that you were meant to be. Note these are solely personal thoughts that are not at all meant to be an answer for your seeking. Nothing more, nothing less. Iron sharpens Iron, aye!

Take care!

(in reply to MaverickUnleash)

Profile

Post #: 19

RE: How do you become a good Dom? - 9/26/2010 5:48:39 PM

DomImus