CaringandReal
Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
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quote:
#2. The act of searching is difficult. There are more of us out there hunting then of people that know they are submissive and are willing to submit. A key thing is to remember who you are and maintain your own dominance while you are searching. If you don't act dominant in the search, then no one will want to submit to you. No begging. You are in charge.
This one gets misunderstood a lot, judging by the emails I get, even from dominants claiming lots of experience, so I thought I'd expand on it a bit, for the starter of the thread and for anyone else interested in learning a bit more about searching and how some submissives think. The above advice is great when you meet a submissive in person in a non-competitive environment (i.e. they aren't in the center of the room surrounded by a large crowd of dominants all vying for her attention, instead you are having a one-on-one discussion with her in a cafe or park or wherever you first meet).
It's not so good when you are dealing with female submissives online on a site like this. Not only does the "center of a competitive crowd" principle apply here (women get a ridiculous amount of attention and approaches on sites like this one, far more than they get in real life) but there also is something else going on that you have to overcome. Due to the large number of incompetent and boorish responses they get to their ads, women, when online, quickly become suspicious and jaded. Discouraged by the sort of responses they're getting, they start to expect the same old nonsense from every new email they get. Sadly, that is mostly a realisitc expectation on their parts. While yes, you do need to maintain your dominance or you won't hold her attention, you also need to "customize" your response so that it slips through the gates of her suspicion and cynicsm. Striking this balance is not easy to learn, judging by the sheer quantity of a certain kind of boorish email I've received over the years. It requires being responsive to who she is and what she says and what she says she wants, and not selfishly overlaying your own desires and fantasies on top of this stranger you don't know just because she seems hawt--or thinking, mistakenly, that if you completely ignore her stated needs for information she'll think _you_ are hawt. The time for selfishness comes later, but so many online "dominants" still put that cart before the horse--with disasterous results for themselves. It's perfectly fine to threaten her with future selfishness on your part, once you've established a connection but at the start of a conversation, overdoing the whole "I'm the dom and I do what I want" thing can kill her interest--dead.
Well, except in one rare circumstance: when she writes you first. You will have the upper hand then, but you'll also find out, as most sub women do, that the people who write you first are often not the sorts you want to have the upper hand with. :/ Some dominants insist that the woman write them first. I think that is a mistake in an unbalanced population (more male doms than sub women) unless their profile is in some way extraordinary and very appealing to submissives. And even then, maybe especially then, it's a big mistake to put this rule in public writing. Leaving it unspoken probably gets better results as you don't elicit instant hostility or judgements of unfounded arrogance--although be aware that you will dilute its effectiveness if you constantly visit her profile but try to remain Mr. Cool Aloof Who Never Writes. Constant visits to a profile you never write makes the woman think you are either a lovesick but wallflower of an admirer or a creepy peepie stalker. Neither category particularly screams "dominant."
The demand that she write first is often seen by sub women as just an extension of the guy-on-an-ego-trip "I don't give a shit about you" attitude that so many strut about waving, and she will pass up such profiles in annoyance. Lately I've been seeing a variation of this "you write ME" game: the guy will write frist, but he'll write something very short and empty and then "demand" the submissive express an interest in him at this point before he continues to express any interest in her. Since nothing in his very short email or mostly empy profile has given a sub woman any reason to want to express that interest, we, of course, pass up his fine offer and go on to the next email or profile.
Being responsive to what she wants doesn't mean being a peon to her in all but name or a vending machine dom. Do not, after reading that she likes x.y. z, write what you think is a "clever" email that robotically mimicks her tastes: "I like X. Y. Z. Beep!" Submissive women get that sort of letter a lot and if they are smart and not impossibly vain or easily flattered (all quite useful qualities in an underling, you must admit), it annoys them. It does mean that if she's asked a question in the profile or requested some information, it's quite likely she very much wants to hear it addressed, honestly and in detail. If you ignore a simple request for info. she may well drop your boorish "I'M THE DOM AND SO I WILL IGNORE PRECISELY WHAT YOU WANT" idiocies down the pixel toilet.
Yes, you're the dom. But not YET--to her. Right now all you are is a stranger making a wild claim to be a dom, and who is seen right from the start, thanks to responses like the one I've just mimicked, as at best, being untrustworthy and suspicious; at worst, lying through his teeth about his dominance. You have to go in understanding that mistrust is there and work with putting it to rest from the very first words you speak. Seeing that as "undominant" rather than regarding it as a chance to hone your skills at persuasion is probably a costly egotistical mistake. It may make you feel temporarily good about yourself to cop this attitude but it won't win you a girl really worth having. Again, the "how" of doing this is something of an art and will take time to develop, but even when beginning, you'll still be a step beyond where most founder. The great majority of doms (at least the ones who write me--guys claiming years and years of experience) aren't even aware that mistrust is there to begin with, despite being given plenty of clues about it by plenty of submissives.You have to wonder what all their experience is actually in--television sports watching? Imagine a prince going to rescue sleeping beauty who is totally oblivious to to the fact that there is this giant thorn hedge around her castle. He dashes himself against this invisible hedge over and over again, with never anything to show for it except bloody bruises. I think that is a good metaphor for exactly what most "dominants" do on sites like this one.
I could go on for quite a long time about the the things that dominants do to alienate sub women on this site. I've see so much of this. I'll mention onc more thing that I find particularly dumb. Most men who write a submissive say nothing about her profile unless it's sickeningly unctuous flattery whose insincerity is obvious. Most just don't say anything, as if they are supremely indifferent to her despite the fact that they are writing. A few try an incompentent neg or two. But usually what happens is they copy and paste some standard and rather primitive philosophical screed about bdsm that they think she will find terribly interesting (although she doesn't because it never deals with the things she is most interested in like practical details about his past expereinces, his emotions, and how he will go about enslaving her) and then demands at the end of this generic pap: "Now write me back if you are interested!" (shakes head) And some of these guys claim to be in sales, too...
The trick to getting most people to write you back is extremely simple and one that for some reason most women know and practice instinctively: you ask the other person an interesting, thoughtful question or two about themselves that demonstrates you've actually read the profile. In the hundreds of emails I've received, maybe one or two writers asked me a quesiton about myself. But as they say, all it takes is one. ;) These sad percentages rather astound me though. This is not rocket science. In fact, it's a bait very few can resisit and it keeps the conversation going and interesting, especially if you are sincere and ask about things you really want to know rather than trying to pander to what you think are her interests.
Of course all of the above is an approch to take only with someone you find very interesting. If you do it to everybody or even a lot of people, you'll quickly burn out because it requires a lot of energy. A lot of men on this site play the numbers game: write as many subs as fast as possible, even though their content and approach is awful. Someone, somewhere will answer them, I guess is what they think. Sure, the lady from Ghana (or whatever the popular third-world country is these days) will be thrilled to hear from you. Congratulations, and by all means, enjoy your... conquest.
Again, this advice probably only applies in the rarified hothouse atmosphere on an online personal-ad site. Face-to-face seems to me to require a very different approach.
_____________________________
"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo
"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris
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