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When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 8:19:06 PM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
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So the issue I'm having right now with is from the person in my life who pretty much gives me zero drama: my boyfriend.

we have had our share of issues(who doesn't?) and they generally run far and few in between. we had decided to break up last fall for all of 4 days(waste of time). It was a failure to communicate, which can be the death of many relationships. we are both past this issue(this is going to sound odd later), but some of his friends are not. They talk very rudely about me at every turn.

Nothing new in my life there.

They don't have to like me, I don't have to like them. I've tried to make amends with them, even though I really had no reason to since I wasn't dating any of them. For one reason or another, they believe I purposely ruin plans that he has with them, even though i often tell him to go off and have a good time(and I genuinely mean it) and he stays home with me anyway.

My problem overall is that when these people are mean, nasty, and just all around rude to me, my boyfriend won't step in. I'm not looking for him to choose me over his friends. I would just appreciate it if he would just say, "that's enough". I feel left out to dry when they have a pecking party at my expense and he'll just shrug it off.

I've talked to him about this before, but to no avail. Has anybody been in this situation? and if so, do you have any suggestions to go about this another way?

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 8:26:01 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

If he's not sticking up for you what he's saying basically is that he agrees with them. Didn't your bf do this one other time with the malesub you had or some other situation? I could be mistaken. Sounds like you two have some serious communication problems to fix.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 8:27:12 PM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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When this happens, are you present, or not?

If you are present, tell 'em to shut up.

If you're not, then your bf is the one telling you. What's his goal in doing so?

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 8:29:01 PM

MissAsylum

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Joined: 1/9/2009
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nah, he didn't do that with a male sub.

and him agreeing with them was my initial thought, and still is to an extent. but he always says "it has nothing to do with me, so i'm not saying anything. i don't agree with whats being said, but all that is between you guys".

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I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 8:31:52 PM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
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i have been present when its happened.

when i stick up for myself- he always feels the need to tell me to be quite, like i'm his child, whereas if he would say something, this wouldn't even go on.

or he will laugh. that always feels great.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

When this happens, are you present, or not?

If you are present, tell 'em to shut up.

If you're not, then your bf is the one telling you. What's his goal in doing so?

< Message edited by MissAsylum -- 9/26/2010 8:34:28 PM >

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 8:35:08 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

I've tried to make amends with them, even though I really had no reason to since I wasn't dating any of them.

Seriously?

That's not how it works. People's friendship groups are a result of their choices-you can't separate it out into 'I'm not dating you so I don't have to get on with you' like that. Your boyfriend has chosen those friends, they didn't just magically appear out of nowhere.

If you dismiss them like that to their faces then I wouldn't be surprised that you were having problems with them.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 8:35:39 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Are they saying this to you or is he repeating it? Because he does need to stand up to them if they're being mean to you. The fact that he thinks it doesn't involve him doesn't mean that they don't think it. They do, and because he doesn't tell them to shut up, they believe that he agrees with them but is too henpecked to tell them so.

Eventually he does need to pick a side and take a stand. Because if he doesn't, it will impact your relationship for the worse.

What I would do is announce I refused to be with them any more. That he can see them at their place, but they are not welcome to be hurtful to me in my home. That if he's going out to the pub to have a beer with them, that I won't be joining him. He wants to invite them over, then he needs to set and enforce the new ground rules.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 8:39:48 PM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
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when i said that- it really means "i don't owe you anything, you don't owe me anything"

i've always been nice to them, and it has killed me to do so sometimes. essentially, they are butt hurt over what happened between my boyfriend and i as if they were directly affected by it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

I've tried to make amends with them, even though I really had no reason to since I wasn't dating any of them.

Seriously?

That's not how it works. People's friendship groups are a result of their choices-you can't separate it out into 'I'm not dating you so I don't have to get on with you' like that. Your boyfriend has chosen those friends, they didn't just magically appear out of nowhere.

If you dismiss them like that to their faces then I wouldn't be surprised that you were having problems with them.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 8

RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 8:42:32 PM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

they will say these things to my face.

i've been called worse by better- but since they are his friends, i'd think he'd say something to silence them. we don't have to be best friends and all- but a little common courtesy would be nice.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Are they saying this to you or is he repeating it? Because he does need to stand up to them if they're being mean to you. The fact that he thinks it doesn't involve him doesn't mean that they don't think it. They do, and because he doesn't tell them to shut up, they believe that he agrees with them but is too henpecked to tell them so.

Eventually he does need to pick a side and take a stand. Because if he doesn't, it will impact your relationship for the worse.

What I would do is announce I refused to be with them any more. That he can see them at their place, but they are not welcome to be hurtful to me in my home. That if he's going out to the pub to have a beer with them, that I won't be joining him. He wants to invite them over, then he needs to set and enforce the new ground rules.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 9

RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 8:52:09 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

when i said that- it really means "i don't owe you anything, you don't owe me anything"

But in all honesty I've never seen anyone make that attitude work. Seriously disliking your partner's friends is as serious a relationship issue/compatability issue as any, and seriously disliking your friend's partner is just as serious a friendship issue as any. It's not a question of owing anything, it's a question of having healthy relationships with the people who impact your partner/friend's happiness.

quote:

i've always been nice to them, and it has killed me to do so sometimes. essentially, they are butt hurt over what happened between my boyfriend and i as if they were directly affected by it.

I'm going to take a wild guess and say that whatever happened upset your boyfriend. Have you never had to look after an upset friend and found yourself angry at their partner? The fact that you put the word 'directly' in the sentence means that you at least acknowledge they were indirectly affected, I suppose-but an indirect effect can still be long-lasting.

<edit for missing punctuation>

< Message edited by VaguelyCurious -- 9/26/2010 8:53:08 PM >

_____________________________

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 8:57:59 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Miss,

What exactly do his friends say to you? Word for word, and give contexts. It's really hard to give an objective opinion without more information.

On the surface, his friends really look like asshats.

But: if they love your bf, and they were hurt when you broke up, well, that's a different story. Your bf's friends ARE involved in your relationship, especially if these people helped your bf through his heartache. That cost them if they are humane. They may never forgive you for hurting this man, even if your bf did forgive you. You will have to make peace with these folks, not by being friendly, but by proving your loyalty and stability. It may take a very long time.

January

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 9:02:11 PM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

i see what you're getting at- and you make a valid point. however, when a person tries several times to be nice, make up for whatever they feel i had done(and at that point- i don't need to make anything up to them), but is continuously mocked and disrespected to their face, they tend to not want to be bothered with trying anymore. and this has been going on for a year.

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

when i said that- it really means "i don't owe you anything, you don't owe me anything"

But in all honesty I've never seen anyone make that attitude work. Seriously disliking your partner's friends is as serious a relationship issue/compatability issue as any, and seriously disliking your friend's partner is just as serious a friendship issue as any. It's not a question of owing anything, it's a question of having healthy relationships with the people who impact your partner/friend's happiness.

and i would be- if something monumental happened. no infidelity took place, being abusive in any way...nothing but a lack of communication.

i was like that before with a friend's ex- granted, he got another gal knocked up.

quote:

i've always been nice to them, and it has killed me to do so sometimes. essentially, they are butt hurt over what happened between my boyfriend and i as if they were directly affected by it.

I'm going to take a wild guess and say that whatever happened upset your boyfriend. Have you never had to look after an upset friend and found yourself angry at their partner? The fact that you put the word 'directly' in the sentence means that you at least acknowledge they were indirectly affected, I suppose-but an indirect effect can still be long-lasting.

<edit for missing punctuation>

< Message edited by MissAsylum -- 9/26/2010 9:03:47 PM >

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 12

RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 9:05:19 PM

bellesoumise

Posts: 258
Joined: 8/8/2010
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~FR~

I had an ex boyfriend like that. He would never defend me or try to stop a situation where his friends would disrespect me. They didn't like me because of some high school drama that was three years old. I didn't care for them so I didn't try to please them. Overtime the disrespect got worse because for one, he didn't correct it the first of tenth time. Secondly, I didn't do anything about it. I knew if I said something or responded, it would of ended up being a very ugly situation. What made me angry is the fact he thought it was okay for his friends to talk to me any kind of way and not try to put a stop to it. After three long weeks I sat him down and told him enough was enough. I told him that I wasn't going to take it anymore, and that if he really valued our relationship he would put a stop to the situation.

We debated the different views. He didn't want to make a big deal and blow things out of proportion. I told him I didn't want to cause a scene by punching someone in the face. He didn't want drama with his friends, I told him I wasn't budging on the issue. I told him I wouldn't hang around his friends anymore, and that he could go hang out with them alone. I wasn't going to put myself in a situation where I was uncomfortable to the point of potential violence. Not seeing them or being around his friends fixed the situation with his friends, but not our relationship.

(in reply to MissAsylum)

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 9:11:52 PM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

they pick on my accent(just bugs me in the sense of "are you 10 years old or something?"), one has spit in my drink at a party, hid my stuff from me, i've gotten things thrown at me, i've invited them out to dinner where i was paying and nobody showed up after they said they would, there was an instance where i had a photoshoot scheduled where i had to work with one of the female friends of my boyfriend, and she told the model who i was doing makeup on that i am very unhygienic with my tools and it nearly cost me my job if the photographer didn't defend me.

its little things that add up.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to January)

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 9:15:07 PM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

yep- sounds like my situation.

if there is room for us to fix it, i want to take that route instead of just saying its not going to work.

quote:

ORIGINAL: bellesoumise

~FR~

I had an ex boyfriend like that. He would never defend me or try to stop a situation where his friends would disrespect me. They didn't like me because of some high school drama that was three years old. I didn't care for them so I didn't try to please them. Overtime the disrespect got worse because for one, he didn't correct it the first of tenth time. Secondly, I didn't do anything about it. I knew if I said something or responded, it would of ended up being a very ugly situation. What made me angry is the fact he thought it was okay for his friends to talk to me any kind of way and not try to put a stop to it. After three long weeks I sat him down and told him enough was enough. I told him that I wasn't going to take it anymore, and that if he really valued our relationship he would put a stop to the situation.

We debated the different views. He didn't want to make a big deal and blow things out of proportion. I told him I didn't want to cause a scene by punching someone in the face. He didn't want drama with his friends, I told him I wasn't budging on the issue. I told him I wouldn't hang around his friends anymore, and that he could go hang out with them alone. I wasn't going to put myself in a situation where I was uncomfortable to the point of potential violence. Not seeing them or being around his friends fixed the situation with his friends, but not our relationship.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to bellesoumise)

Post #: 15

RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 9:17:02 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

when i stick up for myself- he always feels the need to tell me to be quite, like i'm his child,

If he's able to sit after you deal with him for that (like as soon as the two of you are alone), he won't learn.

I'm serious. While it may be debatable if he should speak up for you or not, I would never allow my sub to tell me to be quiet in a situation like this.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to MissAsylum)

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 9:22:03 PM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

they pick on my accent(just bugs me in the sense of "are you 10 years old or something?"), one has spit in my drink at a party, hid my stuff from me, i've gotten things thrown at me, i've invited them out to dinner where i was paying and nobody showed up after they said they would, there was an instance where i had a photoshoot scheduled where i had to work with one of the female friends of my boyfriend, and she told the model who i was doing makeup on that i am very unhygienic with my tools and it nearly cost me my job if the photographer didn't defend me.

its little things that add up.

Either grow a thicker skin and cut the drama out of your life, say no go and dont deal with people who cause it.

You defend yourself, they know it gets to you, so they do it more. If they dont like you they dont like you, Perhaps instead of being butthurt yourself about it you should sit down and talk to them about why they are acting the way they are acting. Why the feel the need to do x y or z. Perhaps boyfriend dearest didnt explain it as a communication error.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 9:25:08 PM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

well it gets a little sticky in that sense since he is more "boyfriend" then he will ever be "submissive"- even though 90% of the time, its me who runs things.

i don't want to say "be a man" or anything along those lines, but it a situation where its clear that he should be asserting his authority as a man and my protector, he doesn't do it and it irritates me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

when i stick up for myself- he always feels the need to tell me to be quite, like i'm his child,

If he's able to sit after you deal with him for that (like as soon as the two of you are alone), he won't learn.

I'm serious. While it may be debatable if he should speak up for you or not, I would never allow my sub to tell me to be quiet in a situation like this.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 18

RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 9:28:57 PM

MissAsylum

Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline

i don't really consider myself butt hurt since those things are clearly disrespectful. i've tried to talk with them and that was a no go.

i'm not pressed if they don't like me. oh well. but the throwing things, spitting....you are waaaaaaaay better than i ever will be if you could let that go.

_____________________________

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans, but i can't find my boots with the fur.

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 19

RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 9:30:36 PM

MarksFantasyGirl

Posts: 3660
Joined: 10/13/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

when i said that- it really means "i don't owe you anything, you don't owe me anything"

But in all honesty I've never seen anyone make that attitude work. Seriously disliking your partner's friends is as serious a relationship issue/compatability issue as any, and seriously disliking your friend's partner is just as serious a friendship issue as any. It's not a question of owing anything, it's a question of having healthy relationships with the people who impact your partner/friend's happiness.

quote:

i've always been nice to them, and it has killed me to do so sometimes. essentially, they are butt hurt over what happened between my boyfriend and i as if they were directly affected by it.

I'm going to take a wild guess and say that whatever happened upset your boyfriend. Have you never had to look after an upset friend and found yourself angry at their partner? The fact that you put the word 'directly' in the sentence means that you at least acknowledge they were indirectly affected, I suppose-but an indirect effect can still be long-lasting.

<edit for missing punctuation>

First, I'd like to say that I do not mean any disrespect in what I am going to say... But I completely dissagree.

I believe that you have no need to like your partner's friends. It is a plus, if you do, but not nessessary. As long as you are not telling him that he is not aloud to hang out with them, or make him choose between you, and them, I don't see the need to walk on eggshells and try to be nice.

My boyfriend has a friend that actually used to be a VERY good friend of mine as well. And we had a huge falling out. Now, we don't talk. But he keeps his mouth off of me, and I keep mine off of him. And I'd have to think that if he were disrespecting me in front of my boyfriend, that he would stick up for me. There were a LOT of problems with my relationship at first (including me leaving Him to go back to my ex who treated me like shit, and told me that I wasn't aloud to see my best friend any more.) and I know that his friends were upset about it, but they all forgave me. They see how happy we are together now, and I believe that if his friends don't see any happiness, than either they really are not his friends, or he really isn't happy.

And there is a big differance between just not liking you, and saying that you're a whore or something for the break up, and actually trying to make you lose your job. Name calling, or even, like you said making fun of your accent, you can get over, or ignore, but you can't ignore trying to get you fired. That is bullshit. That goes beyond being catty... And spitting in your drink is just gross. At these points, I WOULD make him choose... That is not fair to you in the least...

Just my oppinion. I think the two of you need to have a nice long talk about it...

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(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 20

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