male doms: motivated by desperation? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

submissivemale22 -> male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/3/2010 9:32:29 PM)

so earlier this weekend i was contacted on this site by a male dominant. i of course declined his rather creepy overture on the basis of my heterosexuality. he apologized, and subsequently asked for advice on how to "hook up" with girls on here. i asked him to elaborate on what his goal was, and he revealed that he in actuality was only on this site for the purpose of finding sex. he said that he had significantly more luck on here than on any online dating site that he subscribed to, and that from his experience in talking to others, most of the males dominants on this site were operating under a similar mindset.

now, my purpose for sharing this little anecdote is to apply it to my long held belief that most of the males who identify as 'dominants' are really those who have failed at relations with females in any other context, and see control as the only means to get laid. i mean, most of them prey on submissive women who are either a) willing to accept less of a man in order to meet their unique needs, or b) women who derive an additional source of humiliation at the prospect of being controlled by someone most of society recognizes as a loser.

now, i have seen this phenomenon play out many times over the years, yet have never heard it articulated so earnestly prior to the other day. in light of his speculation that most of the other male 'doms' on this site were doing the same thing, im curious if many on this board will concede to only being in interested in such a lifestyle by default (i.e. inability to pick up vanilla girls).



BlackTigerDragon -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 3:47:27 AM)

The fact that after seeing your username (inluding the word 'male'. This means you are obviously a girl [8|]) and then tried to pick you up...while being a hetrosexual male...really says a lot about his IQ level. Hmm...I wonder why he can't pick up vannilla girls??? I just can't figure it out!!! HUUR DURR



BonesFromAsh -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 4:16:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivemale22

so earlier this weekend i was contacted on this site by a male dominant. i of course declined his rather creepy overture on the basis of my heterosexuality. he apologized, and subsequently asked for advice on how to "hook up" with girls on here. i asked him to elaborate on what his goal was, and he revealed that he in actuality was only on this site for the purpose of finding sex. he said that he had significantly more luck on here than on any online dating site that he subscribed to, and that from his experience in talking to others, most of the males dominants on this site were operating under a similar mindset.

now, my purpose for sharing this little anecdote is to apply it to my long held belief that most of the males who identify as 'dominants' are really those who have failed at relations with females in any other context, and see control as the only means to get laid. i mean, most of them prey on submissive women who are either a) willing to accept less of a man in order to meet their unique needs, or b) women who derive an additional source of humiliation at the prospect of being controlled by someone most of society recognizes as a loser.

now, i have seen this phenomenon play out many times over the years, yet have never heard it articulated so earnestly prior to the other day. in light of his speculation that most of the other male 'doms' on this site were doing the same thing, im curious if many on this board will concede to only being in interested in such a lifestyle by default (i.e. inability to pick up vanilla girls).


So, you see this "phenomenon" as a male dom issue, yes? I see this as being a people...as in male/female-dom/me-sub/slave-switch/did I miss any other label....issue, in general. Especially on the internet where people can hide behind a carefully worded profile that's skewed to appeal to a certain group...regardless of the writer's actual orientation or true intention.

I've met men who identify as dominant who can barely control their own lives let alone that of a partner. Likewise, I've met "submissive" men who are willing to grovel at any woman's feet and play the role of adoring sub until it comes out that there will be no sex (at least not on a first meet...and maybe not the second either). Then you see the real person and it becomes clear which head rules.

Mind you, the same could be said for certain female dommes and subs.

Switches of either gender tend to get the "you're just in it for the sex" attitude the most. Some are...some aren't, just like every other orientation.

It's a people, in general, thing...in my opinion.






DesFIP -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 4:18:33 AM)

Perhaps you should realize that the men who contact you while looking for women are not the smartest crayons in the box. And that those who such men associate with are also not very competent. Therefore you are making sweeping generalizations based on talking to only a few and those few who are the least competent and applying those generalizations to everyone else. In other words it is as if you walked into a class for children with reading difficulties and made the assumption that the entire school was like that, totally ignoring the fact that there are also classes for children with no difficulties and indeed children who are talented and gifted.

What's wrong here are not the entire male population of the site but your perceptions.
Again.



VaguelyCurious -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 4:19:52 AM)

Having had both a domme and a sub account on this site over the years I would say that infinitely more people identifying as male subs send memos with that horrible desperate tinge.

Your strong desire to tar every man involved in the lifestyle with the same brush as a few losers you've come across is still as obvious as it was the first time you tried to run this thread. I know some seriously sexy dominant men, and I've come across some who are pretty far below average. That's true of life in general, not just BDSM. That's how averages work...



tazzygirl -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 4:21:48 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivemale22

so earlier this weekend i was contacted on this site by a male dominant. i of course declined his rather creepy overture on the basis of my heterosexuality. he apologized, and subsequently asked for advice on how to "hook up" with girls on here. i asked him to elaborate on what his goal was, and he revealed that he in actuality was only on this site for the purpose of finding sex. he said that he had significantly more luck on here than on any online dating site that he subscribed to, and that from his experience in talking to others, most of the males dominants on this site were operating under a similar mindset.

now, my purpose for sharing this little anecdote is to apply it to my long held belief that most of the males who identify as 'dominants' are really those who have failed at relations with females in any other context, and see control as the only means to get laid. i mean, most of them prey on submissive women who are either a) willing to accept less of a man in order to meet their unique needs, or b) women who derive an additional source of humiliation at the prospect of being controlled by someone most of society recognizes as a loser.

now, i have seen this phenomenon play out many times over the years, yet have never heard it articulated so earnestly prior to the other day. in light of his speculation that most of the other male 'doms' on this site were doing the same thing, im curious if many on this board will concede to only being in interested in such a lifestyle by default (i.e. inability to pick up vanilla girls).


So let me get this right. Because, according to you, this one male has said he was here to look for sex only, you are willing to assume every male claiming to be dominant is doing the same.

You have some serious issues...



VaguelyCurious -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 4:30:10 AM)

FR

I remembered something else.

Coming from the guy who said this:

quote:

im not a masochist at all. the girl that i play with now happens to love beating me though, and since she is really fucking hot, accepting it as a condition is my only chance of being around her. so, its more than worth it.
<snip>
my "coping" strategy is how lucky i am that this girl allows me to interact with her. she could have any guy she wanted, so if i didn't do everything possible to comply, she would just move on.


...this entire rant about how the members of other some other demographic only do this because they can't get laid otherwise seems incredibly rich.

http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3277563



poise -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 4:42:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivemale22
'dominants' are really those who have failed at relations in any other context, and see control as the only means to get laid. i mean, most of them prey on submissives who are either a) willing to accept less in order to meet their unique needs, or b)  who derive an additional source of humiliation at the prospect of being controlled by someone most of society recognizes as a loser.

Im sure there are a few men on the site that label themselves as dominants simply because there is not much of an option when it comes to labels ie: dominant/submissive/switch, and he simply focussed only on the SUBMISSIVE part of your name. That is an easily explained "phenomenom". He apologized for his error in approaching you...no big deal.
What concerns me more is your ignorance in posting this. The fact that you clearly identify yourself as a submissive in search of a dominant female yet claim that dominants are losers is pretty self defeating in your hopes for such a relationship for yourself.
Please enlighten us as to how many losers you are attracting with this long held belief of yours.



DarkSteven -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 4:59:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivemale22

so earlier this weekend i was contacted on this site by a male dominant. i of course declined his rather creepy overture on the basis of my heterosexuality. he apologized, and subsequently asked for advice on how to "hook up" with girls on here. i asked him to elaborate on what his goal was, and he revealed that he in actuality was only on this site for the purpose of finding sex. he said that he had significantly more luck on here than on any online dating site that he subscribed to, and that from his experience in talking to others, most of the males dominants on this site were operating under a similar mindset.



Okay.  You spoke to one man and are basing your view if all of us male Doms on him?  Note that your one pseudoDom:

1. Stated that he had significantly more luck on cm than anywhere else.
2. Made a play for a straight man.
3. Upon being rejected, asked the straight sub man for advice in picking up sub women.

He sounds like a complete mess and loser to me.  I suggest you speak to several other Doms before you form a hypothesis.



lally2 -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 5:29:32 AM)

im sorry to say its been a private suspicion of mine for quite some time.  its all too easy to read up on how to come across as dominant on line and push those buttons on line, in real life the theory goes out of the window and it certainly happened to me in the early stages.  actual Ds or Ms dominance cant be faked for long - topping is different because it doesnt ask for the same consistancy over periods of time.  some ive met seemed to be of the opinion that a submissive woman should sub herself and when she doesnt she is levelled as 'not submissive'.

im not sure of the percentages and im not sure how many men a 'dominant' man would strike up a conversation with about this in a place like this - that bit seems a bit unlikely to me.

but i would agree that *some* enjoy a certain amount of success accessing sex from predominantly newly realised submissives who might be easily manipulated.  these people are the predators and wannables we've talked about countless times before.

i think its important though to understand that there are a large number of genuine dominant men on here who, for whatever reason, seem to only start to surface once youve got some mileage under youre belt.



PeonForHer -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 5:40:08 AM)

SM2,

I do think your strategies for making friends on CM could do with a little sprucing up. 




DomImus -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 5:55:19 AM)

Speaking strictly and only from personal experience I have had a far better batting average in the vanilla world than in the fetish world. If I lived 20 lifetimes with a flogger in my hand I probably would still not have gotten laid as often as I did in 20 years of having a guitar hanging off my shoulder. Not to mention the fact that the women overall are much better looking on the vanilla side of the fence. If I were only looking for pussy this place would not be on my short list of favorites.


Beyond that I am not too sure I am going to put much credence in the observations of a heterosexual male submissive regarding male dominants.



VaguelyCurious -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 5:58:21 AM)

Haha! My guitar works wonders too :D

ETA: although I'm not sure about vanilla women being hotter. I'm hanging around with a group of what I guess you guys would call TNG-ers right now, and they are GAWJUS, yes they are :D



Twoshoes -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 6:53:22 AM)

Oh, I am definitely a loser. It's what I'm good at. [;)]

I don't know many people my age who aren't in debt or some sort of bizarre circumstances, anyway.

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
ETA: although I'm not sure about vanilla women being hotter. I'm hanging around with a group of what I guess you guys would call TNG-ers right now, and they are GAWJUS, yes they are :D


A huge percentage of people I know are attractive. Actually, a huge percentage of people in general are attractive.

However, someone putting down other people quickly makes them very unattractive, because no one wants to be next on the receiving end of that. I'm thoroughly impressed by those who manage to be friends with people they break up with. [;)]



LadyPact -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 7:32:33 AM)

It occurs to Me that this post (like so many others from this OP in the past) comes very close to the line of bigotry.  If you replaced the category of "Dominant males" with any other segment of society based on another criteria (such as race or religion) I don't think any of his theories would even be worth discussing.  If he made a post on CM saying that he talked to a black man who was only on CM for sex, would it then follow that all black men were only on CM for sex.  It's the same principle.

The stereotyping of any segment of the population, including the kink population, due to the obvious preconceived bias of a particular poster is the epitome of prejudice.  I don't think any of us would be that challenged to find a few bad examples of any group of people on the site and then try to twist it into saying that all people of that category fit the description.  I've had this battle too many times when related to other subjects.  Anybody want to call up one of those "all female Dominants on this site are pros/findoms" threads, because it's really the exact same thing.



lovingpet -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 7:36:22 AM)

Are there a lot of desperate, horny men just looking for sex and see submissive women as easy prey?  Sure.  I would think desperate, horny men would be nothing new online.  I haven't exactly done much shopping around, so I guess I wouldn't really know firsthand.  My guess is the reason they might get more lucky here is because of a bunch of desperate, lonely women who fall victim to all the accusations of not being "weal" and "twue" submittives if they don't spread their legs upon first sight of their dominate.  Kinda balances out really.

As for the dominant men that garner my time and attention, they don't fall into this category and I find that they are also plentiful on this site.  Now let's spin your little hypothesis another direction.  While it may be true that even within this stellar group of actual dominant men that they had a hard time in the vanilla dating world, it may have more to do with lack of compatibility than lack of suitability.  The fact of the matter is people who are at their core different from the norms around them tend to face difficulty when they seek companionship.  Until they find a haven of people with whom they can identify, it is a hard, cruel world out there.  It isn't that vanilla women found these men repulsive (though depending on how extreme they might have been that could have entered into it by no fault of the man in question).  It wasn't that the men were unable to care for themselves or sucked at basic life skills.  It was simply a mismatch of needs, expectations, and desires.  I suppose one could be happy temporarily in such a situation, but new love fades and then you are left with a sad reality.  Some found this out pretty quickly and, though they did not have success in the vanilla dating scene, the reason was far from one of being a loser.  It means these are some of the people that are a rare find and going to make their counterpart, a compatible submissive woman, extremely happy and fulfilled one of these days.  That doesn't sound remotely dysfunctional to me.

As per usual, OP, you are jumping the shark.  You cannot extrapolate anything from one conversation.  You cannot accept someone else's claim of the way it is without risking that they might have been completely wrong.  They weren't completely wrong.  Plenty of desperation to go around on all sides of this thing I think.  Then again, there's gold in them thare hills if you are willing to dig for it.  Life is all about choices, so make them wisely. 

lovingpet



CreativeDominant -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 7:37:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: submissivemale22

so earlier this weekend i was contacted on this site by a male dominant. i of course declined his rather creepy overture on the basis of my heterosexuality. he apologized, and subsequently asked for advice on how to "hook up" with girls on here. i asked him to elaborate on what his goal was, and he revealed that he in actuality was only on this site for the purpose of finding sex. he said that he had significantly more luck on here than on any online dating site that he subscribed to, and that from his experience in talking to others, most of the males dominants on this site were operating under a similar mindset.
First, I find the whole idea a bit preposterous.  A heterosexual, dominant male read your profile and managed to miss that a.) you are male and b.) that you are seeking FEMdominants?  Really??  That error alone should have made you suspect of everything else he had to say, including "his" belief that most male dominants are on here simply because they get more sex, not because they are dominant males interested in D/s and/or BDSM. 
Why do I put everything in quotes?  Because, as someone else noted, you've tried to run this idea through here before about what losers the male dominant population is and I personally think you're having another go at it from a different angle.  Proof?  Your next paragraph...

quote:

now, my purpose for sharing this little anecdote is to apply it to my long held belief that most of the males who identify as 'dominants' are really those who have failed at relations with females in any other context, and see control as the only means to get laid. i mean, most of them prey on submissive women who are either a) willing to accept less of a man in order to meet their unique needs, or b) women who derive an additional source of humiliation at the prospect of being controlled by someone most of society recognizes as a loser.
Annnnnnnnnnnnd there it is again...YOUR beliefs about male dominants.  I wonder if you realize how much your contempt towards submissive women comes out in your statements above...your belief that all submissive women are desperate losers, unable to see what "everyone else" can see and/or in need of humiliation.

quote:

now, i have seen this phenomenon play out many times over the years, yet have never heard it articulated so earnestly prior to the other day. in light of his speculation that most of the other male 'doms' on this site were doing the same thing, im curious if many on this board will concede to only being in interested in such a lifestyle by default (i.e. inability to pick up vanilla girls).
you've seen it play out but have never heard it articulated so earnestly prior to the other day?  I would suggest instead that it took you until the other day to create this whole scenario, including writing it out, so that you could once again throw a thread out here condemning male dominants.

I have to wonder what your goal is...does condemnation of male dominants get you in better with more female dominants?  Surely not all of them as some I know would look at you and see YOU as the loser when you have to condemn a whole group to puff yourself up.  Perhaps it is to enlighten the female submissives?  But why?  Surely they are not competition for you so what does it matter to you whether or not they are deceived?  Please don't run the "goodness of your heart B.S." at me...your words in regard to male dominants belies that.

you need to grow up.  Just because you do not orient yourself in the world of male dominants...and prefer to have the woman control you, perhaps...given your other screeds on here...even think that all women should do the controlling, you don't need to let the fact that there are men who like to control women make you a hater.

Personally, I am of the belief that men should be the ones in control.  That works in my orientation of male dominant dealing with female submissives.  But I have no problem with those women who are femdominant.  I am friends with several and we are friends because I don't try to dominate them and they don't try to dominate me AND because they don't believe in female supremacy...as your threads continue to indicate that you do...and I don't believe in male supremacy other than in our own worlds.



ResidentSadist -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 7:58:32 AM)

LMAO . . .  well written troll bait.   Have fun.   When you start a thread about the KKK let me know.  



Lockit -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 8:03:46 AM)

Let's get something straight. Submissive women are not prey and can stand up for themselves. If there are idiots playing a game, they can handle it. Stop putting the women in a category where they seem helpless, vulnerable and weak. You are more insulting than the men with cock in hand begging a woman to do it for him. So get rid of that puffed up pride that comes from you thinking higher of yourself than others.

First of all if you did say what was quoted above, you really need to look at yourself there. You were glad, willing and ever so happy to be with her because she was hot... not because she was smart or funny and a whole package... but because she was hot.

You like to stir the pot and I have no doubt you will continue for as long as you are allowed to or responded to. I don't believe I have ever responded to you and I am unlikely to do so again.

I'll tell you one thing. I am a dominant woman and if I could bear to live with another dominant... I would! I know some very fine men here at Collarme and the only reason I haven't grabbed them up is because I know myself well and another dominant and I would be like two bulls in a china shop, no matter the attraction or how wonderful we might think the other is.

If there is something wrong with dominance, there is something wrong with submission. If you continue to find fault with it, I would call that a personal problem that doesn't need to become our own.



crazyml -> RE: male doms: motivated by desperation? (10/4/2010 8:08:17 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

Haha! My guitar works wonders too :D

ETA: although I'm not sure about vanilla women being hotter. I'm hanging around with a group of what I guess you guys would call TNG-ers right now, and they are GAWJUS, yes they are :D



My Ukelele never did me any favours, so size matters too.



Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875