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The first date. - 10/5/2010 7:09:17 PM

MagikMisstress

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I have a question, Who should end the first date? The submissive or the DOMME?

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RE: The first date. - 10/5/2010 7:18:28 PM

Twoshoes

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Whoever has more common sense.

When you get too high up the only path forward is down. Picking the right moment to take a break from hiking is not crucial but can make you a better adventurer.

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RE: The first date. - 10/5/2010 7:36:41 PM

Rochsub2009

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Ideally, the Domme. After all, you are supposed to be in charge (even though you haven't established a formal relationship yet).

Most potential subs go into the first meeting with a kind of natural deference. You are not their Domme yet, but you have the potential to be, so they are trying to show you their submissive side. Therefore they WANT to follow your lead.

If the first date is going badly, then a sub might go ahead and end it. But if it is going well, they usually won't want to offend you by taking the lead and usurping your authority. At least that's how I would behave.

Hope that helps.

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RE: The first date. - 10/5/2010 9:49:02 PM

SthrnCom4t

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I don't think I would care if the submissive ended the date, as long as he was very clear in his communication as to 'why'. If we're both having a good time, I think that's obvious, but you don't really know (either of you) until someone makes first contact after it's over. Really, there is nothing to build on, if it never goes anywhere after the meeting ends.

If I'm not feeling the click, I'll end it.

If I am feeling the click, and I have a good reason, I'll keep it short. I'll be very clear in my intent, if I want further contact by issuing a request for the submissive to contact me. There would be no need for him to second guess.

If I'm having a good time, and time allows, I'll push to test the chemistry waters. I'd rather find out sooner than later if there is any potential.

I do concur with Roch, but I also, depending on my mood, do like to 'observe' how a submissive handles himself and so I give them space to see how they react to Me. Usually, it's pretty obvious if they are an active or passive partner. I tend to like active partners!

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 5:03:22 AM

CHERRYSHOCKING

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It ends when it ends. Go with the flow. Over-thinking it and pre planning dates just leads to disaster.

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 8:19:06 AM

SweetDommes

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If it's a first date, then there really isn't a relationship established, and thus, no power dynamic. While the submissive may defer to the dominant, they aren't required to just because of labels. If they need to leave for some reason, or feel it's not going well - why shouldn't they end the date? Submissive or not, they are still human, and still have lives to live.

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 9:20:25 AM

ResidentSadist

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I'm not sure so correct me if I'm wrong.
The person who is really in control ends the first date.

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 10:05:45 AM

strangedesire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagikMisstress

I have a question, Who should end the first date? The submissive or the DOMME?

Why do you feel the need to put "Domme" in all caps?

In my experience, first dates end because a) one of the two parties has somewhere else to be, or b) one of the two parties has decided that they don't want a second date. I can't see that it matters in either scenario - but then again, I don't waste time thinking, "How dare a potential submissive have plans after a date with Me!" or, "How dare a potential submissive fail to feel chemistry with Me!"

If someone cuts a date short because he doesn't want to spend time talking to me, but later hits me up for playtime, I will assume that he simply wants to use me to get his rocks off. People like this can be good for a quick kink-fix, but I don't find them that satisfying in the long run.

If someone cuts a date short with me to assert that he "cares less" or some other weird power game, I will assume that he is an asshole. (No one has actually ever done this to me, but it seems consistent with that "put women down to make them want you" game that some men put faith in.) I don't see any reason for anyone, dominant or submissive or vanilla, to waste time with someone like this. If he's really powerful, he'll have ways to show it that don't come at the expense of the person that he wants to impress. If he genuinely wants to submit at some point, he won't be playing petty one-upmanship games in the process.

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 10:40:02 AM

VaguelyCurious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: strangedesire

I don't waste time thinking, "How dare a potential submissive have plans after a date with Me!"

Really? I would expect to be told beforehand if someone had plans after a date with me, potential submissive or not. I thought that was basic manners-either you keep your afternoon/evening free or you say so when you arrange to meet if that's not possible...

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 10:49:22 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

I'm not sure so correct me if I'm wrong.
The person who is really in control ends the first date.

QFT, man, QFT

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 11:07:20 AM

strangedesire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

Really? I would expect to be told beforehand if someone had plans after a date with me, potential submissive or not. I thought that was basic manners-either you keep your afternoon/evening free or you say so when you arrange to meet if that's not possible...

Within reason, yes. I would be offended if someone had to leave a date after half an hour and hadn't warned me beforehand. And in practice, I tend to let people know what my schedule is throughout the day if we make plans, date or not. However, if I have a lunch date with someone, it wouldn't bother me if they had plans for the evening that I didn't know about. If we meet for dinner on a weekday night, I don't think that saying goodbye before midnight to get a good night's sleep before work the next morning is "unsubmissive."

If I'm going to the trouble of meeting up with someone, I do expect that we both have a decent chunk of time to spend together. And if I'm enjoying my time with someone, I will likely want to linger and talk with them until real-world considerations come up. Someone hung up on the "proper" amount of time one should spend on a first date would likely be a poor fit for me. This has nothing to do with dominance or submission.

I guess I'm saying that I expect politeness, but I don't expect people to reject real-world demands or time constraints because I'm The Domme And You Aren't.

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 11:08:25 AM

strangedesire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

QFT, man, QFT

Yes, but what does Quantum Field Theory have to do with dating?

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 11:41:16 AM

MagikMisstress

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I guess I should clarify. A friend of mine gave me this book called the rules, to dating. In the book it says that the man is the dominate and that the women should end the date first, the woman being the submissive. I was just wondering what other peoples thoughts were on this and the protocol in D/s toned date.

Domme was capilatzed to impress the respect that should be given.

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 11:47:40 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I think that book is a lot of malarkey meant to sell books to those with short attention spans.

When you're ready to go home, say so.

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 12:18:14 PM

PeonForHer

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Are we talking about that book written by those two nightmarish, horse-faced women? Jeez. Their opinion on dating isn't worth commenting on. They might as well have entitled their book 'It Ain't broke - so Let's Fix it!'

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 1:43:38 PM

BoredAsHell

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagikMisstress

I guess I should clarify. A friend of mine gave me this book called the rules, to dating. In the book it says that the man is the dominate and that the women should end the date first, the woman being the submissive. I was just wondering what other peoples thoughts were on this and the protocol in D/s toned date.

Domme was capilatzed to impress the respect that should be given.

respect is earned my dear, on either side of the paddle. common courtesy is given.

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 2:32:31 PM

SweetDommes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

I'm not sure so correct me if I'm wrong.
The person who is really in control ends the first date.

But as I stated, there isn't really any established relationship or dynamic at the first date for most people. Thus, it doesn't really matter who ends it. If a submissive feels that things aren't going well, then they have every right to say so and end the date so as to not waste any more time for either of them. If there are other plans, yes, they should be stated in advace (whatever they are, even if it's just "I have to be home by 10 to let the dog out or he'll pee all over the house" kind of thing) but they are acceptable because even submissives/slaves are human beings and have lives to live.

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 3:24:22 PM

VaguelyCurious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: strangedesire

I guess I'm saying that I expect politeness, but I don't expect people to reject real-world demands or time constraints because I'm The Domme And You Aren't.

Oh, absolutely-all that I was saying is that I would expect to be told about those demands and constraints in advance. In which case I guess neither of you is actively ending the date-it comes to a prearranged end by itself.

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 3:55:32 PM

PeonForHer

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. . . . I think, in any case, it's best always to meet someone for the first time on the basis that there's 'something you have to do after a couple of hours'. That'd apply whether a vanilla or a D/s date, in my opinion. As either sub or Domme, you can then just say 'Right, it's a terrible shame, but I have to go' without it causing a jarring tone. In effect it's neither the sub nor the Domme who's ended the date, it's a (fictitious or otherwise) external constraint. I've always taken this policy on a first, blind date in case the woman I'm meeting turns out to be mad.

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 10/6/2010 4:06:37 PM >

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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 7:47:59 PM

LadyHibiscus

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That's why LUNCH is a good first meeting thing. Most of us have to do Other Things with our day, and if things go well, you can do those other things with your date!

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