Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Controlling your temper


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Controlling your temper Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/12/2010 3:31:39 PM   
EclipseAbove


Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline 		I have to agree with those that suggested taking yourself out of the situation before you blow up. The trick to that is monitoring all of your autonomic reactions that tell you when you are about to get really angry (or whatever other emotion). This way, you aren't trying to walk away when you are seeing red. I know my anger indicators are heart rate as well as temperature (or at least perceived temperature) and more rapid breathing. It took some time and practice, and now I can take myself out of a situation before I get too angry. There is a point of no return for me where its almost as if I'm watching myself acting out. I know I'm way too angry and not behaving in the way I would want, but because I'm beyond that threshold, I can't stop until it runs its course.

You also need some degree of buy in from your partner, so that when you see those triggers and walk away, they know not to come follow you and know that you will come back when you are able to.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/13/2010 1:58:57 PM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

I admit that my temper runs away with me. It's definately one of my flaws. And it recently... it completely escaped me. I said something I didn't mean to Valyraen and I felt terrible for it because I was speaking from a place of sheer hurt, frustration and anger.

He has already forgiven me. I apologized on my knees and we are working on the issue that sparked that anger in the first place.

Still... when I called a friend (BTW - I <3 lifestyle friends) and talked about it, they definately helped me realize that my intense and emotional reactions don't help the problem. And they certainly don't help create the power dynamic I need.

So... for those who have had trouble with their tempers, with their emotions in the past... how have you learned to control it? I have tried mantras and beating up on my punching bag but that doesn't seem to help when I'm seeing red. Honestly this is something that I really want to get some tips on since my emotions run deep - both good and bad - and if I could curb them, it would be lovely.

Thank you all for reading and replying.


Anger is a misunderstood emotion for most people. It is feared by many and acted out in most instances instead of asserting an alternate choice with the goal of preventing inappropriate behavior that can lead to irredeemable actions.

In my profession and personal life I have learned to consciously become acquainted with emotions with the goal of asserting personal choices over each and every emotion experienced. The process requires much mental discipline.

Facing the shadow side of unresolved anger can be intimidating for some thus become a hindrance in successfully reaching the other side of the shadow of anger that in essence is fear disguised as anger that becomes rage when one does not get what they expected, etc..

Unfounded fear has much to do with the underlying out of control internal mechanism related to uncontrolled anger that becomes rage. When one is not asserting their defined personal boundaries in the moment thus instead are suppressing their boundaries this is when anger converts into an uncontrollable rage that appears to need to run its course prior to subsiding.

In seeking a viable antidote to uncontrollable anger that has converted into rage, one can determine to become self aware through consciously chosen self examination with the goal of preventing oneself from behaving in a way that is often counter-productive to discovering solutions when allowing rage to control ones thoughts and actions.

Anger is the other side of calm. Discovering what stole your calm thus you have mastered anger. If not of course one will invariably experience anger converting into uncontrolled rage. Not having defined personal boundaries is never something that any human being is truly satisfied with.

The personal choice to determine self control is never out of reach, even though at times it appears to be. Emotions appear peculiar when not mastered. Familiarity or rather knowledge of the shadow side of unresolved anger does indeed unlock portals to an unknown personal freedom.

Take care!

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/13/2010 4:24:12 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

My rule for our marriage... whoever gets there first wins.

What I mean by that is that it is NOT healthy to have both of us angry and behaving like children. So whoever gets angry first gets to be angry and the other one gets to be the adult. I suppose if I don't feel like being an adult, then there's always the "Destroy my relationship" option that juju spoke of :)


That is fucking superb. Really really brilliant.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/13/2010 4:31:37 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Crikey, there's been some really superb advice here already - the only things I'd chip in are;

You know, it's really ok to get angry some times. And sometimes it's far better to express that anger than try to deny it.

Professionally, I do a lot of mediation - Usually when a commercial arrangement has gone really, really, wrong. One of the key pieces of advice I give to my clients is "focus on doing the thing that's going to get the best outcome for everyone" - Quite often, in their anger clients will simply want to "punish" the other party - they've completely forgotten why they did the deal in the first place... So my advice to anyone who find themselves angry is "ask yourself what behaviour is going to bring about the change you desire" - And shouting your head off may well be the best way to bring about the change on some occasions, on others that momentary pause can help get to the real problem.

I have to say that while I try to follow this advice myself, I would never claim to have "nailed it".

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/13/2010 4:50:27 PM   
powerplaying


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:


Anger isn't inherently wrong.


Anger is inherently wrong. Anger is the first step to violence, spouse battery, child battery, racism, hate crimes, murder and war.
People who yell at other people deserve no love.

Best wishes

André


(in reply to Twoshoes)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/13/2010 5:11:00 PM   
powerplaying


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:


A reaction with temper can mostly take the focus off of the real issue and then the temper becomes the issue. It is self defeating behavior and doesn't solve the issue that caused the frustration.


That's true. So why does it exist anway? Where are there not only humans who just solve the problems efficiently instead of getting angry?
Maybe anger provided benefits and got positively selected in evolution.

Best wishes

André


(in reply to anniezz338)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/13/2010 5:58:02 PM   
LadyRian


Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		When I get angry, I try to take a deep breath, and ask myself, "How important is it?" There are some things I think that are worth getting angry over. Anger is power, if directed effectively. If directed ineffectively, it can be disaster for everyone.

Trying to take a step back when you can feel the triggers is something I've found effective. Knowing what exactly it is that's causing the anger is essential.  Also, taking action.  If it's somebody else's behaviour that's causing it, I tell them that the issue can be discussed when things cool off, and I leave. If it's a life situation ( traffic, or circumstances of some sort not related directly to a personal interaction) I just do what I can to carry on until I get home, and then call a friend whom I know loves to bitch about things, and we both vent until we both feel better.
If the circumstances causing the anger can be changed, then it's advisable to change them. Dialogue, strategies, and true caring can overcome a lot of anger. If one person is doing all the work, though, then it's time for that person to seriously consider that if maybe if working won't help, walking will.



< Message edited by LadyRian -- 10/13/2010 5:59:02 PM >

_____________________________

"Dodging bullets since 2010"

(in reply to powerplaying)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/13/2010 6:04:00 PM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: powerplaying

quote:


Anger isn't inherently wrong.


Anger is inherently wrong. Anger is the first step to violence, spouse battery, child battery, racism, hate crimes, murder and war.
People who yell at other people deserve no love.

Best wishes

André


It is noted that the power which anger invokes thus converts into rage produces one of the root causes of sexual assault, rape, domestic violence, child abuse & neglect, racism, hate crimes, murder, terrorism, wars, etc.. This sort of rageful conduct is most often fueled by out of control emotions that are primarily indicative of anger and rage and do deserve the consequences thereof, be they legal or otherwise.

Granted, anger is an emotion which all of humanity experiences. However this does not mean that anger can be allowed to become out of control for any reason. Self managing other emotions by way of choosing how to behave is also an effective management tool when feeling angry. Self management is imperative regarding effective management of all emotions which lead to human behavior.

Obviously there are no easy solutions in counter-acting such conduct within those who choose to live on the edge of toxic rage. If a personal choice is not made to refrain or abstain from destructive actions then the cycle of anger converting to rage cycles from generation to generation.

I share in the ideology that knowledge is power. Yet without education knowledge is devoid of its application. Without the application of knowledge effecting personal change or any form of change is prohibitive.

Anger can be effectively managed when the fear that fosters its influence is systematically mastered. Awareness increases as one chooses to become fully present in their Life and responsible for their personal choices.

Obviously to arrive as such a place in ones Life a personal choice to change what is toxic is the key to determining the outcome of ones personal ability to govern their Life in a way where anger is not at the helm of their Life steering its way to the shoreline.

Thank you for your thoughts within this thread. I appreciate them greatly!

Take good care!

< Message edited by Zevar -- 10/13/2010 6:09:42 PM >

(in reply to powerplaying)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/13/2010 6:23:38 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: powerplaying

quote:


Anger isn't inherently wrong.


Anger is inherently wrong. Anger is the first step to violence, spouse battery, child battery, racism, hate crimes, murder and war.
People who yell at other people deserve no love.

Best wishes

André




Constantly I'd agree with.

But if you've never gotten angry at a kid, you've never come home to find the eggs smashed on the floor, the cops waiting at your door, the car totaled. Nobody who has teenagers is always calm, nor should they be. Getting yelled at occasionally is instructive for them. Helps them see where your boundaries are. Which does not mean that you hit them. Sometimes it can mean that you call up the nearest boarding school and enroll them. Ask the kid if he'd rather get sent away or hit. Not that he had that choice.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to powerplaying)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/13/2010 6:33:43 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: powerplaying

quote:


Anger isn't inherently wrong.


Anger is inherently wrong. Anger is the first step to violence, spouse battery, child battery, racism, hate crimes, murder and war.
People who yell at other people deserve no love.

Best wishes

André




I completely disagree.

Loss of control is inherently wrong, sure, but Anger? No, it is not inherently wrong.

Anger can the first step to action, to change, to protest as well as to all of the negative things that you describe.



_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to powerplaying)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/13/2010 6:49:32 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		I'm thankful I know a lot of people who do not become outright abusive when angry, then.

(in reply to powerplaying)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/13/2010 6:50:24 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP


Constantly I'd agree with.

But if you've never gotten angry at a kid, you've never come home to find the eggs smashed on the floor, the cops waiting at your door, the car totaled. Nobody who has teenagers is always calm, nor should they be. Getting yelled at occasionally is instructive for them. Helps them see where your boundaries are. Which does not mean that you hit them. Sometimes it can mean that you call up the nearest boarding school and enroll them. Ask the kid if he'd rather get sent away or hit. Not that he had that choice.



I hear ya! (Both as an ex-teenager and now as a parent!)

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/14/2010 10:42:05 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Actually when I told him that I wanted nothing more than to hit him, and that feeling like this is a definite hard limit for me, he could either clean up his act or go live with his father or go to boarding school, that was the beginning of the change. It's been a rough year but things are improving.

Feelings aren't facts. They don't control us, we (should) control them. Telling someone that you are wicked pissed at them and they need to do what they promised doesn't mean you have to hit or scream. Sometimes it's just a factual accounting of your feelings and their options, and the consequences if they don't change.

Andre, you are going to annoy people in life. They will be angry. They will annoy you and you will be angry. The alternative to accepting and dealing appropriately with the emotion is to have no boundaries and allow people to mistreat you. To allow them to blackmail you with the threat of their anger. That's no way to live. There is a better way, I would suggest attending ACOA meetings.


< Message edited by DesFIP -- 10/14/2010 10:44:20 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/14/2010 10:48:46 AM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		Well, like I tried to explain: You don't control anger or other emotions. You can understand them and put yourself in a state of mind or situation where you're calmer or more content.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/14/2010 1:23:23 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: powerplaying

quote:


Anger isn't inherently wrong.


Anger is inherently wrong. Anger is the first step to violence, spouse battery, child battery, racism, hate crimes, murder and war.
People who yell at other people deserve no love.

Best wishes

André




Andre,

There is a difference between anger and rage.

As I stated before, anger is rarely a primary emotion.

Your child runs into the street and you yell.
Are you yelling because you DON'T love your child... or are you yelling because you experienced the fear of losing them?
If you raise your voice, does that mean that you are a bad parent and don't deserve to be loved by anyone?

I can experience hurt feelings and express feeling angry without crossing any of the lines above.

Anger in and of itself is just a feeling. Feelings in and of themselves are not inherently wrong, they just ARE.

It is how the person deals with that particular feeling and the choices they make that determines whether or not anger is constructive or destructive.

Non-violent communication is a technique that people can learn and use.





_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to powerplaying)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/16/2010 8:08:29 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I don't see it as controlling my temper as controlling my behavior. There is a certain expectation he has for my behavior and he will not settle for less. It took some hard knocks, but I learned that if I want to interact with him that I have to behave in a certain way no matter how pissed off I may be.

My suggestion is figure out what is the underlying reason you are choosing to get to a point that you are so angry you stop controlling your behavior. There is a pay off in there somewhere for you and if you can identify it and find other ways to get that pay off without being destructive to the people around you, then you might solve your problem.

Also don't look at the issue as how to stop things once your see red, but how to not get to the point of seeing red in the first place. Usually it is an expectation that is not being met.

Alandra and I are very naturally reserved in our expression of emotion and we live with three other people who are naturally highly expressive (read high drama) of their emotions. With the two we have authority over, we are trying to teach them how to manage their emotions so they do not get to the point of being out of control.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/16/2010 8:28:24 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I don't see it as controlling my temper as controlling my behavior. There is a certain expectation he has for my behavior and he will not settle for less. It took some hard knocks, but I learned that if I want to interact with him that I have to behave in a certain way no matter how pissed off I may be.




I am a person that has had in the past an explosive temper (Alandra knows what this is... Kyra has never seen it). For me it is a learned behavior that comes from my mom. This is something that I have struggled with and worked with for years. These learned behaviors came because I feel X I do Y. In time you stop being consciously aware of what you feel. It's there but you are not consciously aware of it and when it's there you immediately jump to the learned behavior that is tied to the emotions.

First.... understand your state of emotions! Your behavior is directly tied to the state of your emotions. Being more mindful of your emotions allow you to develop the ability to make different choices in behaivors. To often it is a lack of mindfulness of ones emotions that we impulsively act on the emotions to the behaviors that are tied to them. So... start to be more mindful of your emotions. Take moments through the day and ask yourself "How do I feel"... when you are engaging in conversations ... before, during and after... Ask yourself... "How do I feel" Observe how you felt is tied to the behaviors you demonstrated.

As you become more mindful of your emotions you will see the common behaviors that are tied to them. You will begin to see triggers that lead you to behaviors that put you into states or paths that you don't want to impulsively go down. Loo for those triggers and as they occur.. as you are more mindful of the emotions you can start to empower yourself to make different choices.

Also, as you become more mindful of your emotions you will start to see how you feel depending on the your current situation. Things like lack of sleep, poor eating, stressful recent events etc. You will start to see the things that happen to you as precusors to the triggers. These things are like the bullets being put into the gun and just waiting for the trigger to pulled.

In time you will learn what the bulllets are and you can start to do things to take the bulletts out of your gun. It might be relaxations techinques... it might be a process to asking Valyraen to RANT on a give issue or a multitude of other things.

This can be a long road for some..... for others... the behavior is not so entrenched and it can be alot easier... I hope the latter for you... as I know what the former is like.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/16/2010 9:07:52 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Here is one exercise I know of to use when learning to control your anger and verbal abuse tendencies. It is a long-term project, so it isn't a quick cure.

Get yourself a box of nails, a hammer and a board thick enough to hammer nails into without the nails going all the way through (Or nails short enough not to go through the board LOL!) Take time to sand the board, stain and gloss it. Yeah I know, why do that to a board?

Every time you lose your temper and say something you regret, hammer a nail into the board. As you become more aware of your actions and begin to control your words/anger, remove a nail for each time you positively controlled your temper without becoming verbally abusive. When enough time has passed that you have controlled your temper and verbal abuse enough to have removed all the nails hug your man, and take a moment to congratulate yourself. Once you are feeling really good about your accomplishment, take a long good look at the board and the damage that remains from your actions. Consider that each word spoken in anger caused a damage and a scar somewhere and not ONLY on that board. Remember this, before you allow your temper to erupt into hurtful words. Mount or display that board somewhere you can see it every day.

Hope that helps.

WinD

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 10/16/2010 9:09:58 AM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/16/2010 9:11:18 AM   
MistressLavinia


Posts: 1110
Joined: 3/6/2009
From: DFWM in the Land of LaviKinks
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

Here is one exercise I know of to use when learning to control your anger and verbal abuse tendencies. It is a long-term project, so it isn't a quick cure.

Get yourself a box of nails, a hammer and a board thick enough to hammer nails into without the nails going all the way through (Or nails short enough not to go through the board LOL!) Take time to sand the board, stain and gloss it. Yeah I know, why do that to a board?

Every time you lose your temper and say something you regret, hammer a nail into the board. As you become more aware of your actions and begin to control your words/anger, remove a nail for each time you positively controlled your temper without becoming verbally abusive. When enough time has passed that you have controlled your temper and verbal abuse enough to have removed all the nails hug your man, and take a moment to congratulate yourself. Once you are feeling really good about your accomplishment, take a long good look at the board and the damage that remains from your actions. Consider that each word spoken in anger caused a damage and a scar somewhere and not ONLY on that board. Remember this, before you allow your temper to erupt into hurtful words. Mount or display that board somewhere you can see it every day.

Hope that helps.

WinD



Thats the most beautiful entry ever, thank you for sharing that.

_____________________________

If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison:
~I am: ~Petal-icious~Bitch with Tits~
~ Ravager ~Sovereign~ LaviKinKs

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Controlling your temper - 10/16/2010 9:17:55 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: powerplaying

quote:


A reaction with temper can mostly take the focus off of the real issue and then the temper becomes the issue. It is self defeating behavior and doesn't solve the issue that caused the frustration.


That's true. So why does it exist anway? Where are there not only humans who just solve the problems efficiently instead of getting angry?
Maybe anger provided benefits and got positively selected in evolution.

Best wishes

André




Asking why anger exists is akin to asking why any true emotions exist. As many here have stated more than eloquently, anger is a manifestation of fear or a rebellion against things being perceived as unfair, dangerous to your well being, or negative.

That is not a problem, losing control is. Although the loss of control is ok in some situations, flying into a flaming rage every time one is thwarted in not getting one's desire, is not.

I have stated repeatedly that is how you express your feelings, including anger, that makes the difference. If you have ever been with someone who unleashes their anger in a very damaging way, you know that person is no pleasure to be around.

I learned to control my anger years ago and when I come into contact with those who push my anger buttons, I respond differently now than then. I used to argue with them, now I remove myself from that altogether.

I think the benefit of anger is that it defends you from being taken advantage of and if dealt with properly, it shows power over yourself and often, over your opponent.

Anyone who gets angry and too quickly says something hurtful with no regard for the cumulative effect of those words, loses ground fast.

But to say we as a species should have no anger is really silly.

(in reply to powerplaying)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> RE: Controlling your temper Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094