Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "out"?

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Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "out... - 4/25/2006 4:17:44 PM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

Hi ladies,
I am curious about whether or not you have any kind of preference regarding whether or not your submissives and/or slaves are "out of the closet" about their/your lifestyle?

For me personally, I prefer them to be out. I think this is simply because I'm out.
Now I wouldn't out them. That'd be just flat wrong. But when I'm considering whether or not to take someone as a sub/slave, one thing I do keep in mind is whether they are out, or planning to ever be out, or willing to look at being out as an option.
I've had a few that weren't, and mentioning all the cons of such would take a while.
How about yourselves?

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

Post #: 1

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 4:20:50 PM

darq

Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline

On the opposite end of this spectrum ...

I can't imagine submitting to someone who wasn't out. I mean, I'm not like ... Wanting to run around nekid in public or anything but I could never play the part of the conservative meek n mild type. No way ... lol ...

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 2

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 5:40:33 PM

MistressLorelei

Posts: 997
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

I like this question... Most potential submissives I have spoken to have a professional job which could be jeopardized if they were too outwardly open about their lifestyle choices.

I have many vanilla friends and My entire family who have no clue about My involvement in bdsm, and I am fine with that. It's My business, and most don't understand it, so why bother to confuse them.

I have gone out to dinner. etc with a submissive many times where he was in a rather large dog collar with a lock on it, and I wore a necklace with a key... strict protocol involved, etc. People didn't have to listen to what we were saying to get the gist of the nature of our relationship. But I don't think that things have to be quite that open either....

I don't want to have My submissive, nor do I want to, run around and hide our lifestyle.... but I think a D/s relationship can exist on a D/s level out in the open without screaming it to the world. As long as we know... that's 'out' enough for Me.

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 3

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 5:56:29 PM

cariad

Posts: 943
Joined: 9/25/2004
From: Calgary, Alberta
Status: offline

please excuse girl for posting, but she saw the topic and found it an interesting question...

girl has finally "come out," and the day she did it her step mom had a negative reaction to her, but her cousin was great about it, wanting to learn more and made girl promise to call when she got to the States and let him know she is okay and safe with the Dom and His alpha slave that she is going to meet soon.

girl would rather be "out," than to not let others important in her life know what is going on. in fact everyone at work knows now and she is fine with that.

there is a subbie that girl knows who won't "come out," because of work and his friends, but girl is ok with that and respects those who can not come out because of such things.

_____________________________

The Path To Being A Good slave Takes Hard Work, A Willingness To Learn, Ability To Take Criticism and the Ability To Take Punishments Well. i Am Still Learning So Please Be Patient With me, As i Walk the Path to Being A good slave. SLRN: 742 958 000

(in reply to MistressLorelei)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 5:56:55 PM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline

Personally, I am out to friends in the lifestyle and in the local BDSM community. That's it. My family doesn't know, my vanilla friends don't know, no one at works knows, and no one in any of the professional or metaphysical organizations I belong to knows.

My preference is for subs who are about the same as Me. I like subs who are willing to attend lifestyle events with Me, but who are discreet in their profession, with their family, and with their vanilla friends. .

Lady Topaz

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 6:00:18 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline

No, I don't care. I have had a few boys who do care. But I am not out Myself. I have always been understood as a "free spirit" and a bit on the wild side, but I see no point in blasting My preferences to the world. I do have a bit of fun, like Lorelei, going out in public, once in a while. But I prefer to keep My relationships private. I do not spend lots of time with family and we respect each other's privacy.
The only thing that concerns Me is when the slave is not out, and, as a result, his service is not as good, because he has to spend excessive time keeping up vanilla appearances with family and friends. And I would not out anyone.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 4/25/2006 6:01:27 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
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Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 6

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 6:44:03 PM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

I require a sub to be "somewhat out". What this means to me is that they have some real-time lifestyle friends and, are comfortable with going to munches and the like.

They don't need to be out to their job, their family. They don't need to run around in leather gear in inappropriate forums thrusting their choices on inappropriate people.

When a sub is totally closeted as if their submission (and the Domme they are seeing) were a dark dirty secret, it seems as if they haven't truly accepted that side of themselves and aren't ready to integrate it into their lives.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 7

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 6:54:46 PM

ladylexington

Posts: 117
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline

Most of my submissives have maintained a balance. They chose more honesty with close friends, but maintained more privacy with, say, their grandmother. And, I'm okay with that, as long as their choice doesn't interfere with our relationship, indicate a lack of acceptance of their kinks, or require unreasonable accomodations on my part.

_____________________________

If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much. -- Mark Twain

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 8

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 6:55:17 PM

MistressLina

Posts: 34
Joined: 3/17/2006
From: Montreal
Status: offline

I prefer someone who is out, as it can lead to less restrictive activities together, like public play, and playing in a "vanilla" situation. However, its not a prerequisite to my interaction or relationship with them.
I myself am out to my immediate family and some other members. Most of my close friends know, as well as some acquaintances...it depends if it has come up, if they themselves are into some more open-minded situations or lifestyles, etc. Then again, I think the role of Dom/me is generally more accepted because we're all basically taught to be agressive, go after what we want in life and so on.
I can't imagine what it would be like to come out as a sub or slave.

_____________________________

Mistress Lina...indulge in your fantasy...

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 9

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 7:04:59 PM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood
When a sub is totally closeted as if their submission (and the Domme they are seeing) were a dark dirty secret, it seems as if they haven't truly accepted that side of themselves and aren't ready to integrate it into their lives.

I think this is why it's important to me. Not only because they need to be on a level of acceptance with themselves, but because, quite frankly, I don't want to be anyone's dirty little secret, whom they pull out of the closet once their vanilla affairs are all in order. Been there. Done that. Never again.

Now, I know this would be different if I weren't so out myself. I love going to munches, and dungeon parties. I have no qualms about stopping at the gas station on the way home from a fetish party, in fetish wear. I like to show my support in pride marches. I sign particular petitions. (and on and on and on) I don't want my sub or slave to be doing things like not stopping at a particular gas station because his cousin's uncle's last boss's daughter works there, and not attending events with me because "someone might see him" AND (here's the kicker for me!) expecting me to act all vanilla nicey conservative in front of his friends and family.
If I'm out, and he's out, we can go enjoy ourselves together without having to put the other one in a compromising position.
I figure if I were closeted about my lifestyle and had to take those precautions, it would probably not phase me to do the same for him. In fact, then, I would probably want subs who were closeted themselves.
I think for me it's a level of "sameness" in the level of outness that's important.
(Back to the old compatibility thing!)

**(We're gonna go ahead and count "outness" as a word this time ;)

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 7:20:17 PM

EbonyFtshGoddess

Posts: 446
Joined: 1/1/2006
From: Hollywood Hills, CA
Status: offline

quote:

Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "out"?

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Logged in as: EbonyFtsh

as a domme i'm out.. everyone knows the deal.. my mom.. my mailmain.. the people at the grocery store..

my mom was the first to know i was *kinky*..... but oddly.. and mean as i am.. no- i don't expect my slaves to be out

_____________________________

One Man's Phobia is Another Man's Fetish

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 11

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 9:18:45 PM

ladyangel

Posts: 58
Joined: 1/27/2004
Status: offline

I'm going to agree with Proprietrix on this. I prefer "out" slaves as I am also out with My family and My few close friends. Everyone that knows Me knows I live an out of the ordinary life. And they are fine with that. My slave must be comfortable in who and what he is to Me. I know who and what I am, and expect the same. It makes life, for Me at least, so much simpler.

_____________________________

you say I'm a Bitch likes it's a BAD thing.
"Pain is a uniquely personal experience"

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/25/2006 9:28:34 PM

LadyMorgynn

Posts: 800
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: N. Carolina
Status: offline

I am completely out of the closet, and My slave will be too! All my family and friends know that I am Domina and seeking a 24/7 slave, in fact my daughter (age 20) is keenly interested in the search and keeps tabs on likely candidates, and definitely plans on hijacking my slave as often as she can manage to clean her dorm room for her and do her laundry, take her to the mall, etc.! LOL. And all my 'nilla friends can't WAIT, because I've promised them Pedicure Parties :)

The only way my slave would be allowed to not be out, is if he is in some kind of sensitive position... a teacher, etc., where it would be harmful to his career/status/etc. to be outted.

Naturally I would make exceptions as far as his/her family... it would be up to the slave whether or not to be out to family and old friends, and I would honor that decision and play along like 'nilla when visiting them... but he and I will know that is not so!!! We'll have little hand gestures/codes/clues between us that will allow me still to be in control in a 'nilla setting.

_____________________________

---
Lady Morgynn
www.farhorizons.net/LadyMorgynn

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 13

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/26/2006 1:01:55 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

I won't engage with someone who is married and keeps their partner in the dark and anyone I top or who we top together has to be 'out' enough to attend BDSM venues with Himself and me or just me if Himself can't attend. Like many have already stated, we are both out and it just makes things easier all around.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to LadyMorgynn)

Post #: 14

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/26/2006 1:24:43 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

It doesn't matter much to me. I'm a private person myself.

Also, being "out" isn't exactly the same thing as frequenting munches and other BDSM events. I can certainly understand why someone would want to keep most of their BDSM activities behind closed doors.

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 15

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/26/2006 2:07:29 AM

hidemyeyes

Posts: 39
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline

Mistress Lina

For me personally, coming out as a submissive was actually more awkward to me than coming out as a lesbian, especially since i was intending on entering a BDSM relationship with a man. People who accepted very easily that i was as gay as a songbird found it a lot more difficult to accept my submissiveness. Strangely enough, these people knew i was kinky, its almost as though it would have been a lot better recieved if i had said i was Dominant. i am 'out' to all of my friends, they always knew i was twisted, and some of my family.. lol, i'll never forget my aunt's face when i showed her my purple bottom after a party.

________________________________________________
xxx
hidemyeyes

(in reply to MistressLina)

Post #: 16

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/26/2006 2:13:02 AM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

I prefer submissives that are comfortable enough to attend munches and social functions. Their level of comfort with family, career and friends is to be
respected. Since I live in a smaller city, discretion is the better part of valor.
That is a prime reason that going to San Francisco or Los Angeles for conventions,
dungeon parties, clubs and other events is such a treat.

YMMV,

-Vendaval-

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 17

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/26/2006 2:45:01 AM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood
When a sub is totally closeted as if their submission (and the Domme they are seeing) were a dark dirty secret, it seems as if they haven't truly accepted that side of themselves and aren't ready to integrate it into their lives.

I have just the opposite view. I am comfortable with who i am and just as with my politics, my religion, and my income i don't feel any need to share. My lifestyle choice is exactly that...my choice...i don't need to tell the world in order to feel integrated, accepted or whole. If it were to come up in general conversation, or if i were asked, i wouldn't lie about it but i don't feel a need to tell anyone just like i would not ask anyone about their lifestyle choice.

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 18

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/26/2006 3:24:27 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

My preference would be for someone that is out, or at least willing to be out around people we know... mainly because we are. I can understand (sort of) the people that chose not to be out to their family and can deal with that if need be.

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 19

RE: Do you have a preference if your sub/slave is "... - 4/26/2006 4:09:26 AM

Ariel

Posts: 244
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

This is indeed an interesting concept. I Myself am not totally "out"...My mother at 82, would just not get it (or so I think anyway..LOL), therefore I understand the why's about not coming "out", butt I do agree with the Ladies that say they are "out", and would want their subs/slaves to be out. It is understandable, as Proprietrix said, mostly a measure of compatiblity.

_____________________________

Ariel

Aw inspiring beauty comes from within

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 20

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