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ElanSubdued -> RE: Punishment Spanking Then Massage (10/20/2010 9:57:15 AM)
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quote:
DarkSteven:
Well, if that was the intent of the original question, then no, a massage isn't the way to go. You:
1. Explain to her why she is being punished. Make sure to include not only the action she did, but also the effect it had on you.
2. Spank her. I suggest doing it in two phases, with a break between the two. During the break, give her corner time - standing in the corner, panties down, facing the corner, with whatever implement will be used to spank her next in her hand. No talking - the silence will help her focus on her misdeed and the punishment itself.
3. When the spanking is done, talk with her. Repeat what she did and ask her is she is sorry. Then forgive her.
The forgiveness is NOT a reward or anything else relating to the punishment except that an acknowledgment that the punishment is over.
That's the best way I know of to lock in a punishment.
Actually, if I may add from my own experiences when I was on the dominant side, there's a vital element missing here and I think it's important to do this before and after whatever punishment is being given.
Ask the person to describe, in their own words, what they did, why they did it, and why it was wrong or had the undesired effect it did. If the person doesn't understand the issues, explain them again more clearly, breaking things down as necessary and gain understanding at each level. Now, again, have the person describe, in their own words, their understanding of the situation and ask them if they think the punishment (whatever the two of you have agreed on) is warranted. If you can't get understanding and agreement at these two junctures, there's no point in continuing with punishment because you're simply inflicting nastiness on someone who has no idea why they are begin treated this way. Worse yet, if the person disagrees with the treatment, you're building resentment rather than locking in a lesson. I think it's important to gain agreement on what went wrong and on the punishment itself.
After the punishment is over, give the person time to re-coup and then, only when they've returned to a level-headed state of mind, have them (once again) describe what they did, why they were punished, and their feelings as to whether they were treated appropriately. Handle responses lovingly and as in necessary.
It's a good idea not to withhold forgiveness, but rather to let enough time pass so both parties can reflect. This isn't using forgiveness as blackmail and it's important to communicate this up-front. After punishment and review of understanding, I've used an approach something like this "I'm still disappointed, but I appreciate your understanding and apology, and the way you accepted punishment; we both need time to reflect and then I'll talk to you about this at the end of the week". At that point, when I'm truly feeling at peace with the situation, I'll lock everything in with forgiveness. Though it's not often acknowledged, the forgiveness isn't only for the submissive. It's for the dominant too. Both parties need resolve.
Keep in mind, this isn't a system I'd use for something minor that simply requires quick feedback and correction. I'm certainly not a fan of drawing out situations unnecessarily. For something significant though, which is why I'm assuming punishment has become necessary, I believe appropriate communication and time for reflection are necessary. In some cases, where I realize the person's intent is good but they need practice, I'll plan a multiple, mini-goal approach to get to where I want to get. At each intermediate step, I like to support and motivate during and reward when success is achieved. Even if another failure occurs, as long as the person really, really tried and the spirit of the failure is in keeping with obtaining the goals agreed on, I'll still give positive feedback.
In dynamics where punishments aren't used, the same process still works (minus the punishment aspect, of course). This is my preferred way of dealing with a major infraction, regardless of whether I'm the dominant or the submissive in the relationship. The goal is twofold: (1) to communicate and gain mutual understanding, and (2) to prevent the situation from occurring again. Also, the concept of breaking a larger problem into multiple, smaller goals is a useful and essential technique for some situations.
Elan.
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