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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 9:35:48 AM

windchymes

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I'm really surprised that so many people have made it an issue. I've always admired people who adopt, since, as you say, there are so many older kids (meaning out of infancy) who need homes, as well as "package deals", siblings who want to stay together.

For every person out there who objects to adopting, I bet there's another who thinks it's "selfish" to bring another child into the world, given the state of the world today.

I was adopted, too :)

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 10:10:19 AM

Arpig

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quote:

The people who have said this are usually customers or co-workers

Why on earth are you discussing your procreative plans with them in the first place?

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 10:22:02 AM

DesFIP

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Ann Landers years ago suggested the best way of handling unwelcome comments like this. You smile sweetly and say "I'll forgive you asking this if you'll forgive my not answering". They shut up immediately.

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 10:50:24 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The reason the adoption agencies are being so rejecting is because they have experience with people who adopt, then get pregnant and feel differently towards the adopted child than to the biological one.

Bonding is not accomplished magically even with a child just out of the womb. With one who has five years worth of experience being rejected repeatedly and bounced in and out of foster homes, it will take years. If during those many years that the child is testing you to see when you will send them back, you became pregnant and bonded easier and quickly with the new baby, the adopted child will know that you don't love them the same.

I'm surprised you didn't bother to find out why they are so leary of doing this, as being able to respond point by point is your best way of accomplishing it.

You misread the post entirely.

The adoption agencies love us. It's customers, co-workers, etc who are giving us shit.

By the way... thanks for assuming we don't know why adoption agencies screen carefully. You assume incorrectly though. I know exactly why. And, so far, the agencies don't have a problem with us.

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 11:02:54 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
B) I'm not asking about them. I'm asking about people who are giving me shit for my choice.

My own personal opinion (as an adoptive parent) is that you should put all of these plans on hold until and unless you get to a point where people giving you shit about this choice doesn't bother you.

Understandable. Nothing is actually going anywhere for the moment. We've spoken with some agencies simply to get information so that we can make better decisions once we decide to start the path more seriously.

I wouldn't say it bothers me to the point of affecting my decision. Simply that sometimes I want to rant about it and I suppose that is where the post came from. Wanting to know if others have experienced the same thing and how they handled it.

quote:

ORIGINAL NuevaVida
At the time, for every baby up for adoption, there were 7 waiting birth-mom's. Saying "I can have my own kids but I want to adopt a baby instead" limits adoptive mothers whose only way of having a child is through the adoptive process. So in a sense, you would be taking away from them by limiting their odds even more.

I could understand that point - if that was the point people were making. Or if we were going for baby. Which we aren't. The people who give me shit will then go "Oh at least go for a baby" and are further irked when I tell them I have no intention of fighting over a baby and I intend to adopt from the age pools least adopted from.

quote:

Des also makes a good point, that there are people who adopt, only to become pregnant and birth a child later, and feel differently about the adopted child. Or they become pregnant during the adoptive process, and then cancel the adoption. Women who can not give birth pose less of a risk of backing out.

While is a risk, the adoptive mother also risks having her heart broken if a birth mother backs and keeps her baby or the birth parents want to reclaim their child before everything is settled.

I simply don't agree that the adoptive parents should be punished because they *might* become pregnant and then *might* back on the adoption.

But that is the agencies policies and, so far, it hasn't come up. I phoned a few and explained our situation just to get information. So far none have had a issue with the fact that I might be fertile but am choosing to adopt.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

Why on earth are you discussing your procreative plans with them in the first place?

Because, as I explained on the previous page, small casual conversations lead up to us asking about each other's family and this sort of thing comes up quite naturally.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 10/25/2010 11:35:43 AM >

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Post #: 45

RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 11:04:17 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Ann Landers years ago suggested the best way of handling unwelcome comments like this. You smile sweetly and say "I'll forgive you asking this if you'll forgive my not answering". They shut up immediately.

LOL - that would probably work except that my boss would kill me if I said it to a customer. Maybe I can use it on the coworkers though... maybe.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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Post #: 46

RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 11:35:23 AM

WyldHrt

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quote:

right... the first thing a stranger or a casual acquaintance asks me when I say I'm married...when are you going to have kids... OK

Happened to me all the time when I was married, actually. It's a 1, 2, 3. 'Are you married?' Yes. 'Oh wow, do you have any kids?' No. 'Oh, when are you going to start a family?' ARGGGG!!!!!

quote:

Men - I find this quite funny - tell me that I'm going to regret missing out on the experience of pregnancy and childbirth.

Hmm... well, shove a sandbag up your shirt, encase your feet in concrete, spend a weekend yelling at Val to bring you a sushi and balogna sammich, then squeeze a watermelon out your hoo-ha.

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 11:39:51 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

quote:

right... the first thing a stranger or a casual acquaintance asks me when I say I'm married...when are you going to have kids... OK

Happened to me all the time when I was married, actually. It's a 1, 2, 3. 'Are you married?' Yes. 'Oh wow, do you have any kids?' No. 'Oh, when are you going to start a family?' ARGGGG!!!!!

quote:

Men - I find this quite funny - tell me that I'm going to regret missing out on the experience of pregnancy and childbirth.
Hmm... well, shove a sandbag up your shirt, encase your feet in concrete, spend a weekend yelling at Val to bring you a sushi and balogna sammich, then squeeze a watermelon out your hoo-ha.

LMAO - Valyraen has stated that one of the perks of adoption is he won't have to deal with my pregnancy cravings. I'm such a picky and complicated eater now that he flat out refuses to place orders for me at fast food places. While it's definately not a deciding factor, if we end up being able to do things the way we want, he is certainly going to enjoy missing out out on the "HONEY! Is the store still open? I want olive loaf... oh and those little honey sticks. And pickles... ooo, if you see a frozen pizza with chunky tomatos but no onions could you pick that up? Remember I hate onions!!!"

Poor guy...

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 10/25/2010 11:40:18 AM >

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 11:57:54 AM

kdsub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

Hmm... well, shove a sandbag up your shirt, encase your feet in concrete, spend a weekend yelling at Val to bring you a sushi and balogna sammich, then squeeze a watermelon out your hoo-ha.

But But you live longer because of it... or so they say...

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 11:58:44 AM

Shadow-tiger

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

I am very maternal. I hope that Valyraen and I will have at least two children. However, at this time I have no intention of ever becoming pregnant. I truly want to have our child through adoption and Valyraen, he and his sibling being adopted themselves, has positively no problem with this.

Wyld just brought this to my attention and I had to come add my

. Straight up, I have to say good for you!

Nine years ago my daughter was put up for adoption, went home from the hospital with a very wonderful couple. I see her a couple times a year, and I know she's loved, well taken care of, and has the life I absolutely could not have given her! People like you and Valyraen who seek to give a child a good home, to bring them into your life and accept the responsibilities therein.

Just yay. :)

As for not being pregnant, eh... you're not missing much. Unless you like lots of non-consensual pain, discomfort, no good parts and all that jazz. :P

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 12:00:13 PM

YSG

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This is coming directly from a birth parent. There is nothing selfish or wrong or "bad" about adopting a child. Quite the opposite in fact.

about 3 1/2 years ago, my daughter was born. Her mother and I knew a long time before, obviously, but it was still a big shock. For months before, we had been looking through various adoption agencies in the city, and through one of them we found the most amazing couple. He's an engineer, she runs her own small buisness. They had adopted a boy about 2 years prior, and they were natural parents. I feel truely blessed that they still welcome me into their home, and allow me to see my little girl. I could not have imagined better parents.

It is going to be hard for all involved, if only just for the adjustment period. However, what you are doing is a wonderful and loving thing.

I wish you the best of luck in this

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 12:06:10 PM

Shadow-tiger

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*high fives YSG*

Isn't it great knowing she's in good hands?

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 12:08:45 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Shadow-tiger

Wyld just brought this to my attention and I had to come add my . Straight up, I have to say good for you!

Nine years ago my daughter was put up for adoption, went home from the hospital with a very wonderful couple. I see her a couple times a year, and I know she's loved, well taken care of, and has the life I absolutely could not have given her! People like you and Valyraen who seek to give a child a good home, to bring them into your life and accept the responsibilities therein.

Just yay. :)

As for not being pregnant, eh... you're not missing much. Unless you like lots of non-consensual pain, discomfort, no good parts and all that jazz. :P

That's so sweet to hear! I'm a big fan of open adopting and having the birth parents still in contact with the child.

And yeah... not so much into the non-happy pain and discomfort. I don't think I'd be one of those women who glows during pregnancy. More like glower and demand more ice cream.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

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Post #: 53

RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 12:10:34 PM

AquaticSub

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Thank you for sharing that. I know that it will definately be hard but we really feel it's the right choice for us if we can make it happen.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to YSG)

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 12:22:05 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Fast Reply---

YAY for adopting! Many of my friends were adopted, and I know there are kids out there that will be happy to have you and Val as parents. If you don't want to actively give birth, for whatever reason, so what? Make sure you don't get pregnant, and all is well.

So many folks are into adopting a BABY, an infant, and there are many older kids out there needing homes. Yes, they often come with "baggage", but I think that can be overcome in most cases, if not all. You never know what kind of issues you will have with a genetic child, right?

Best of luck to the two of you!

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 12:27:42 PM

Voodali

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If it makes you feel any better, you're not alone in not wanting to experience the "magic" of childbirth. I speak from total inexperience here, but it looks like pelvis-ripping, disgusting, horrible agony preceded by pain, nausea, mood swings and inconvenience to me. There are loads of females I know who feel the same. That and there are countless individuals of all ages on this planet in need of love and guidance. I believe that some of us were biologically programmed not to want to give birth. I think you will be providing a much needed service. Good for you.

And as for your coworkers, maybe you shouldn't waste your time conversing with them, because they sound small minded.

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 12:32:15 PM

LadyHibiscus

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LOL! I always wanted the excitement of giving birth, but not the child afterwards! Not that I would be capable of giving up my baby, but when I was young, I did offer myself up to childless friends if they needed a surrogate.

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 12:48:07 PM

YSG

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Shadow-tiger

*high fives YSG*

Isn't it great knowing she's in good hands?

Agreed it is. I consider myself very lucky there, because of how wonderful her adoptive parents are. I feel like Ive gained 3 more family members instead of losing my daughter.

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 1:30:58 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL NuevaVida
At the time, for every baby up for adoption, there were 7 waiting birth-mom's. Saying "I can have my own kids but I want to adopt a baby instead" limits adoptive mothers whose only way of having a child is through the adoptive process. So in a sense, you would be taking away from them by limiting their odds even more.

I could understand that point - if that was the point people were making. Or if we were going for baby. Which we aren't. The people who give me shit will then go "Oh at least go for a baby" and are further irked when I tell them I have no intention of fighting over a baby and I intend to adopt from the age pools least adopted from.

Yes, as mentioned, I understand you're looking for a non-infant, in which case I think it's awesome. What reasons do these irked people give you? Seems very strange to me.

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 1:32:29 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

Happened to me all the time when I was married, actually. It's a 1, 2, 3. 'Are you married?' Yes. 'Oh wow, do you have any kids?' No. 'Oh, when are you going to start a family?' ARGGGG!!!!!

Ugh. Happened to me too, ALL THE TIME. Was heartbreaking to me, considering I really wanted kids. And if you dare say you're not going to have any, you get a strange look like something's wrong with you.

People are weird.

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