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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 1:36:01 PM   
willbeurdaddy


Posts: 11894
Joined: 4/8/2006
Status: offline 		I have 3 adopted children, one due to misdiagnosed infertility and two because it made more sense given our ages. All are a different race or nationality than me (1 Hispanic, 2 Black). I only took shit from 1 person, and she eventually came around after meeting the first. That is most likely what will happen with your naysayers.

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 1:45:34 PM   
AquaticSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

I could understand that point - if that was the point people were making. Or if we were going for baby. Which we aren't. The people who give me shit will then go "Oh at least go for a baby" and are further irked when I tell them I have no intention of fighting over a baby and I intend to adopt from the age pools least adopted from.


Yes, as mentioned, I understand you're looking for a non-infant, in which case I think it's awesome.  What reasons do these irked people give you?  Seems very strange to me.


That I'm going to miss out. That I'm going to regret not having the baby years and changing the diapers and the first steps and the first words. I've gotten to the point where I just grin and say "Nah, I'd rather skip to the age where they can sleep through the night". Which doesn't particularly impress them but at that point I'm just trying to end the conversation with a joke.

I see where they are coming from to a point - what Mama's heart wouldn't swell when she sees her little one take their first steps? - but at the same time, I'm willing to trade that to see a child realize that they have a home and two loving parents who aren't going anywhere. Honestly, that is what makes me cry, hoping I get to see that.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 10/25/2010 1:48:15 PM >

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 2:10:36 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		I think it is an awesome idea to adopt.  As an adoptee, I may have a bit of a slanted view, but heh.

Just be aware that most, again let me repeat MOST, older children who are adopted will have issues.  Some will have major issues, some will have issues that no amount of love and nurturing can ever cure.  Children who miss out on bonding as newborns, and have several different homes at a young age more than likely will have issues for all their lives.  Some worse than others.

Just do your research.  Families First is an awesome resource.  I have done groups with prospective and new adoptive parents there, and FF is great about telling all, the good bad and ugly.

Good luck!


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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 2:20:11 PM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		personal POV only I have to admit Ive only read a couple of replies, but Aqua, the minute you conform to what others say you should do, you arent doing it for yourselves.
Go ahead and adopt, give them the love and caring you can, enjoy them, cherish them, do right by them and spread the joy and love you have.
I loved being pregnant, but seriously... nothing could interest me in going thru the first three years ever again.
I wish both of you and your children the love and luck in the world



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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 3:18:43 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

That I'm going to miss out. That I'm going to regret not having the baby years and changing the diapers and the first steps and the first words. I've gotten to the point where I just grin and say "Nah, I'd rather skip to the age where they can sleep through the night". Which doesn't particularly impress them but at that point I'm just trying to end the conversation with a joke.

I see where they are coming from to a point - what Mama's heart wouldn't swell when she sees her little one take their first steps? - but at the same time, I'm willing to trade that to see a child realize that they have a home and two loving parents who aren't going anywhere. Honestly, that is what makes me cry, hoping I get to see that.


Oh jeez.  They're just projecting their own stuff onto you.  People get hostile for the dumbest reasons.  Your reply is good.


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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 4:16:45 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:

I speak from total inexperience here, but it looks like pelvis-ripping, disgusting, horrible agony preceded by pain, nausea, mood swings and inconvenience to me.
Reminds me of when my EMT class viewed the childbirth video. At the end of it, my instructor knew exactly which females had given birth and which hadn't. The ones who had wore expressions that said, "I remember that!"... the ones who hadn't (including me) wore looks that said, "No f*cking way I'm doing that!!!"
Most of the guys were a uniform greenish color.


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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 6:35:28 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Aquatic,

I haven't read all the responses, so I hope I'm not repeating.

I think your plans to adopt is noble and wonderful. I can't imagine why people think they have the right to diss you for wanting to protect children! It's like the adoption detractors are trying to rationalize their own baby-making choices by questioning yours. Disgusting.

Oh, and I've birthed three babies. Parenting can be a big pain in the ass. But love and mothering surely have nothing to do with genetics. Else there wouldn't be children who needed adopting in the first place.

Oh, I do have a suggestion... just to put in the back of your mind... what do you think about becoming a foster parent?

January

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 7:09:28 PM   
DomMeinCT


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For anyone who says you'll be "missing out" on individual moments and that somehow your experience will be incomplete is ridiculous.

....what about the mother who has anesthestized during an emergency c-section?
....or the parent who spends years away deployed overseas?

Parenting is the totality of the experience of raising a child through a lifetime, not separate pieces. What you might miss in some time period, that relationship you have with your child will still richly reward you in others threefold.

You two will make great parents.

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 9:12:42 PM   
alittleevil


Posts: 235
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

I am very maternal. I hope that Valyraen and I will have at least two children. However, at this time I have no intention of ever becoming pregnant. I truly want to have our child through adoption and Valyraen, he and his sibling being adopted themselves, has positively no problem with this.




Hello Aqua,

Adoptee (along with my deceased twin) here who was followed by two bio kids. My mom used to tell me a poem:

Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it --Fleur Conkling Heylinger

Yeah, it's corny as hell, but I loved it as a kid! I have a REAL mom, REAL dad, REAL brothers, sisters, grandparents, etc.

The fact of my adoption was always treated just like the fact that my eyes are blue--factual biological data, no more.

Smile sweetly at the pearl-clutchers and dismiss them from your attentions.

As for the people who talk about not "giving" Valyraen a baby. Please. Fuck em. You are giving each other a child!

Yes, an older child will be hard in some ways....babies are hard in different ways. Y'all are smart people, you'll find the resources and supports needed when the time comes.

All my best to you and Valyraen,
aj



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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 9:35:40 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		This one is my favorite :)

"My Harvest

I did not plant you, true.
But when the season is done,
When the alternate prayers for sun
and for rain are counted,
When the pain of weeding
And the pride of watching are through,
Then I will hold you high,
A shining sheaf above
the thousand seeds grown wild.
Not my planting,
But, by heaven,
My harvest -
My own child."
Author: Carol Lynn Pearson

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/25/2010 11:29:26 PM   
switch2please


Posts: 494
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		Aqua,
I haven't read many of the responses either, but good luck!

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Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/26/2010 12:38:37 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Hehehe DAddy and I get people who ask when we're going to get married, and if not frased that way, when it becomes known we been together 4 years, and haven't made any plans to tie the knot yet, we get asked what are you waiting for, and yes strangers will ask nosey questions that are none of their business, so, I anm not surprised they'd ask when you going to have kids.

People keep asking my sister in law and my brother that, and it's an awful questrion, so nosey and intrusive because it's not like their sex life and what comes of having sex is any of the other persons business and puts my brother and sister in law on the spot.
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrKicia

quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsub

right... the first thing a stranger or a casual acquaintance asks me when I say I'm married...when are you going to have kids... OK

I'll step back now and let others carry the conversation...good luck to you.


Are you joking?  My wife and I have had many strangers ask us when we plan on having kids.  After they establish you are married, they seem to blurt this out soon after.



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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/26/2010 3:04:52 AM   
MrKicia


Posts: 155
Joined: 9/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

Hehehe DAddy and I get people who ask when we're going to get married, and if not frased that way, when it becomes known we been together 4 years, and haven't made any plans to tie the knot yet, we get asked what are you waiting for, and yes strangers will ask nosey questions that are none of their business, so, I anm not surprised they'd ask when you going to have kids.

People keep asking my sister in law and my brother that, and it's an awful questrion, so nosey and intrusive because it's not like their sex life and what comes of having sex is any of the other persons business and puts my brother and sister in law on the spot.
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrKicia

quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsub

right... the first thing a stranger or a casual acquaintance asks me when I say I'm married...when are you going to have kids... OK

I'll step back now and let others carry the conversation...good luck to you.


Are you joking?  My wife and I have had many strangers ask us when we plan on having kids.  After they establish you are married, they seem to blurt this out soon after.




It does make you very uncomfortable.  Considering my wife and I do not plan on having children.  I usually answer "Im way too young." 

Ive never had the urge to ask someone when they are getting married or when they are having kids.  Honestly its non of my business.

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/26/2010 9:40:10 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Good for you Mr Kia

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/26/2010 1:19:03 PM   
DamnPickyDomme


Posts: 97
Joined: 10/22/2010
Status: offline 		adoption just describes the way a child joins a family. one of the boys' teachers pissed me off because she constantly referred to them as adopted children. i asked her if she wanted to start referring to all the children in her classroom by the way they came into their family. this one would be vaginal birth stanley, c-section mary, foster care michael and so on. my children became simply my children awfully quick!

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/26/2010 6:53:59 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Aqua, I can't possibly add any more praise to you and Val for your decision to open your hearts and life to an unwanted, older child.  Kudos to you.

I would offer up a suggestion on how you might respond to those nosy people who ask when you and Val are going to have a family.  Just say that you plan to have children in a couple of years, or what ever time frame you're looking at.  There's no need to tell them how you plan to create your family. 

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/27/2010 9:22:22 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I knowhuh. My uncle always introduces me to others as Shirley"s adopted daughter n I never say nothing. Probably should though.
quote:

ORIGINAL: DamnPickyDomme

adoption just describes the way a child joins a family. one of the boys' teachers pissed me off because she constantly referred to them as adopted children. i asked her if she wanted to start referring to all the children in her classroom by the way they came into their family. this one would be vaginal birth stanley, c-section mary, foster care michael and so on. my children became simply my children awfully quick!


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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/27/2010 12:04:06 PM   
MCLady


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quote:

If you are planning on adopting older children, you may want to consider fostering them first or fostering period.  I agree there are older kids that need to be loved and have families, and think its great when people want to adopt.


Unfortunately when you foster a child they usually go back to their birth parents. It's not like fostering to adopt a fur baby. If the parents "get their act together" the kids will be returned so you'll have developed a bond only to have it broken. I'm NOT trying to discourage anyone from fostering merely stating the facts.


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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/27/2010 12:51:00 PM   
January


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Joined: 4/17/2004
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quote:

Unfortunately when you foster a child they usually go back to their birth parents. It's not like fostering to adopt a fur baby. If the parents "get their act together" the kids will be returned so you'll have developed a bond only to have it broken. I'm NOT trying to discourage anyone from fostering merely stating the facts.


I'm not sure how it works in other states, but here in Colorado, there is a time limit for parents getting their act together. If it takes longer than about a year, parental rights are terminated.

January

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RE: Adoption = Bad? Selfish? Wrong? - 10/27/2010 1:19:24 PM   
MCLady


Posts: 152
Joined: 7/27/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: January

quote:

Unfortunately when you foster a child they usually go back to their birth parents. It's not like fostering to adopt a fur baby. If the parents "get their act together" the kids will be returned so you'll have developed a bond only to have it broken. I'm NOT trying to discourage anyone from fostering merely stating the facts.


I'm not sure how it works in other states, but here in Colorado, there is a time limit for parents getting their act together. If it takes longer than about a year, parental rights are terminated.

January


This is probably true in most states but do you really want to foster a child for x amount of years only to give him back to his parents? It takes a SPECIAL person to foster a child & I applaud them.

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