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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 10:21:34 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		 
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

Recently I was reading the doms  threads about their desire to leave  places like collar me due to  the type of subs/slaves that contact them. The question at hand has to do with the other side of the coin, being  the subs/slaves on here and the  problems they discover in finding a dom to  be with . Do you believe that the expectations  are differnt for subs than doms ? Do you find any similar issues have come up again and again with those that you have contacted for consideration??
Please share your thoughts


I'm a strong advocate of real time contact. Get out into your local community, attend BDSM events and get your face out there if you are really serious about finding a partner with whom to connect. There is no substitute for toes to toes, nose to nose contact. The Internet can be a tool, but should not be the only one in your arsenal. In fact, once an initial contact is made, keeping up via IM's, webcams and emails can help build the foundation of communication.

Ultimately, it's not a failure on anyone's part. If you keep it real with realistic expectations, you lessen your chances of being hurt no matter which side of the flogger you're on. If you're looking for your 'dream,' well, looking in cyber space is apt to get you that dream, but most people would rather have flesh and blood than a dream.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/26/2006 10:22:06 PM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		Ack,the vampires. I know what you mean Saint.

Too many of those are enough to jade ANYONE. But the hopeful aspect is that one can do better,but you don't hold your breath waiting

(in reply to Saint)
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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/27/2006 4:39:53 AM   
openmindedslave


Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		I was speaking to a sub today who has the postion of screening subs for his Mistress consideration. Let me tell you its not easy to fine a sub that understands the difference between being  happy pleasing a Dom and those that set down a host of rules that require the Dom to alter their interest so as to meet the subs requirements...While there should be considerations  or some common interest that both parties want to experience or get out of a realtionship...the fact is we are there to serve in some form .

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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/27/2006 6:56:41 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

why do subs fail so often?


They really don't "fail" they just find out they aren't "subs". It's the same for doms, realizing that being a dom isn't just saying "on your knees bitch!". Too many come in with the expectation and only reference being the "Story of O" or the Beauty Trilogy.

It's not failure it's more of a self realization. A good thing for them.

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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/27/2006 7:14:05 AM   
darq


Posts: 443
Joined: 4/21/2006
From: under a rock
Status: offline 		In my experience ... Having left this site and rejoined on more than one occasion ... Its not neccessarily failure. Its just you get tired of being bombarded by sooooo many emails from sooooooo many people who simply don't get it. You can only take just so much before you're like ... Fine, I'm done!

You might move on to a different site or just lay low for awhile. Some of us come back and try again ... Others take their search elsewhere. Even those who never return havent failed ... Maybe they just discovered that this really wasnt as much fun as they thought it was.

_____________________________

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts ...
Tell me, whats so amazing about really deep thoughts?

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/27/2006 12:05:08 PM   
openmindedslave


Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		Darq you may be right ....the desire to serve was just that a desire and not a need . Often here , you do see alot of people come and go.In fact Mistress friends of mine tell me so many males that do not connect under one  name. Come back and try again to connect under another name.Which  I still don't get . why  they do that ? Why  contact the same people who were not interested in you before under one handle as another person?  Why not develop  a personality on here from your posting and updates to your profile??? Please explain that one if you can??

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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/27/2006 12:40:45 PM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		To cover over thier past mistakes.

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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/27/2006 1:05:51 PM   
JoeT2000


Posts: 32
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think part of it is because we are such perfectionists.

We can do something right 99 times out of 100- but it's the 100th time that we remember.  The one we did WRONG.

It's very lacking in perspective, but it's how it is.

We're also often low on patience with ourselves.  How often have we known doms who had to tell us not to beat ourselves up?  How often do doms have more patience with us than we have with ourselves?  How often do we magnify our faults rather than see the whole and appreciate our true worth?

It's a matter of perspective.


Bingo LuckyAlbatross. Again we come back to issues of self esteem. When a submissive is confident in herself, takes a pride in herself, out comes the vibrancy and sensuality which, personally, I find most attractive and appealing, far more so than "this girl".

Self doubt, self criticism, taking a mortal wound from a mild criticism, and emotionally wobbling about all over the place gets wearing after a while.

Communication is a wonderful thing. 17 emails of rambling in a night... and you end up thinking "gawd not again". I'm not suggesting it happens with all, but it does happen. Harsh, but an honest response. Again we come back to your stables LA.

Also, we come down to facets. A submissive who is multi faceted, intelligent, eloquent, witty as well as being "devoted" is far more likely to hold my interest.

Then again, Doms are guilty too. Beat a dog enough, and you end up with a beaten dog. Humiliate a submissive to the point she has no self worth, and you end up with a traumatised lump of jelly. Depersonalise her, and the relationship ends up impersonal. Objectify her, and you'll shop for a new and improved model at some point.

The other thing someone else mentioned, about "fantasy perceptions" is spot on. Sorry to say this, but... no Master is perfect. Master's make mistakes, they have off days. They'll have the odd little insecurity kicking around inside them too, count on it. If you expect the super-human, don't be disappointed when you never find it.

LA, once again, an intelligent post.

Joe


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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/27/2006 4:54:56 PM   
openmindedslave


Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		Also I see an issue when it comes to real time also..Many male subs and I do not mean all of us,,, really are not looking ofr ltr  with a dom. They really want the first meetinf to  lead to play 20 minutes later. Instead of getting to know one another , they see the lifestyle as a kink.Which is fine , when everyone is on the same  level. But  after you  have had your kink, ...you might want more.Something touching your soul and a form of trust you just can't get after a meeting or two..I see alot of doms , specially the more experenced ones looking for more .  While alot of people on here want something permant.  Many still are still players and wanta bees , who really  just don't want to make the effort in establishing a permant postion with a dom?  This is where alot of frustration can happen on both sides of the riding crop?

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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/27/2006 6:20:25 PM   
Reasonable


Posts: 459
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That's a big part of the problem openminded.

Hobby mind vs lifemind. ponders..........

I saw a wonderful pbs documentary a while back about a man who loved nature so much that in 1966 he went up to Alaska and built a homestead. He lived there in harmony,alone except for the occasional visitor,for the next 32 years. His name was Dick Proenneke.

Dick was to the wilderness, what a some of us are to D/s.
But if you compare him with someone who goes camping on weekends...there's no comparison,is there?

(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/28/2006 4:21:50 AM   
JoeT2000


Posts: 32
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think part of it is because we are such perfectionists.

We can do something right 99 times out of 100- but it's the 100th time that we remember.  The one we did WRONG.

It's very lacking in perspective, but it's how it is.

We're also often low on patience with ourselves.  How often have we known doms who had to tell us not to beat ourselves up?  How often do doms have more patience with us than we have with ourselves?  How often do we magnify our faults rather than see the whole and appreciate our true worth?

It's a matter of perspective.


Sat here with flu (proper flu, not man flu) watching crap daytime tv. A quote was made and I think it fits ..."how can you expect someone to love you when you don't love yourself".

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/28/2006 5:56:44 AM   
WhiteRadiance


Posts: 247
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I think subs and dominants alike are guilty of expecting perfection.  The internet gives access to everything.  Communication is instantaneous.  It seems to me that some people want instant subs and Masters. 
It is VERY pretentious for a dominant to assume that just because someone is sub that the person is THEIR sub.  It is just as pretentious for a submissive to have a checklist of criteria that their fantasy dominant shall meet.   
We are all merely people and when you take away the personal aspect and the "getting to know you" phase of a relationship and kick it into overdrive immediately you are setting yourself up for failure. 
 
We ALL need to look past our own needs and expectations, and really connect with one another to the point that we can find common ground and ACCEPTANCE.  I have met a lot of fantastic subs here, both online and in person.  Some of them are not perfect for me, and perhaps we need something different.  Still, I count my blessings for knowing them! 
 
We meet people to learn lessons!  None of us know everything. 
 
What have I learned from Dom/mes who assume they are dominant over everyone they meet? 
I learn I do not want to be that way.
 
What do I learn from subs who hand me a checklist of their "wants"?
I learn what it is I seek.
 
you do not fail.  you grow.  (or just get your kink on then go home to your boring life and vanilla wife)
 
Staci 
 

(in reply to JoeT2000)
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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/28/2006 6:20:51 AM   
openmindedslave


Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		totally agree Staci... In many ways , the need to learn and communicate between each other will always give you a greater chance of developing a stronger experence. The issue seems that often ,and it does happen of both sides,  you find many are just not prepared to  run a realtionship  here. Yet so many want something permant.  But maybe because its still a lifestyle behind closesed doors for many, you can share  your life with the people around you ...Or maybe its the fact that while there is a senious side to all of this , there is a reality to .Not everyone doms in 6 inch thigh high boots and wear latex. That as a sub they're not going to be wearing a collar and  dress in panties and bra  when serving ...The fantasy part of this lifestyle  does hurt alot of people who feel  that is the real world...And it is not ...Unless you pay a prodom for an hour here or there , lets faces is ...Our bodies are not all young and fit. If you look 55 and your greying , don't expect a  cute 21 year old in leather wanting you to be her slave for years to come...And while there is so much eye candy out her for all to enjoy, understand too that alot of people just do not want to take the time to develop a real connection. They just want to be used  or to use you .
And thats all there is for some

(in reply to WhiteRadiance)
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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/28/2006 12:28:49 PM   
ladiespet77


Posts: 30
Joined: 2/6/2006
Status: offline 		  To me the childlike bahavior and unrealistic expectaions come from Both sides of the fence.This is the price we pay for having the internet to help us both meet and pool resources and information.
People from both sides  are Very guilty of All sorts of ridicules behavior.

However ther are Real people amongst us and with persistance i have found manny.Not all a perfact D/s match ,but Real none the less. I take the good with the bad. Its par for the course, both here and in the vanilla world

(in reply to openmindedslave)
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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/28/2006 12:35:53 PM   
zebra


Posts: 64
Joined: 7/24/2005
Status: offline 		Interesting. Subs "whine" about things, but dominants "endure" them. Very interesting.

(in reply to Reasonable)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/28/2006 10:35:26 PM   
Takethiswaltz


Posts: 199
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		[quote]ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think part of it is because we are such perfectionists.

We can do something right 99 times out of 100- but it's the 100th time that we remember.  The one we did WRONG.

It's very lacking in perspective, but it's how it is.

We're also often low on patience with ourselves.  How often have we known doms who had to tell us not to beat ourselves up?  How often do doms have more patience with us than we have with ourselves?  How often do we magnify our faults rather than see the whole and appreciate our true worth?

It's a matter of perspective.
[/quote]
I'm certainly not perfect, and would never expect perfectionism from another.  Life is full of enough stressors without an additionally one based on unreality.
 
I've taken a hiatus in seeking on CM because I've yet to find a Dom that is willing to develop a friendship with me first;  that is willing to allow me to get to know the man first, with out the posturing of dominance before i am ready to accept.  Knowing and enjoying the man will tell me the kind of dominant he will be.

_____________________________

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in...

~Leonard Cohen~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/29/2006 12:20:39 AM   
SirHedonicsslave


Posts: 55
Joined: 1/6/2006
Status: offline 		what i have noticed in talking to others, both Dominant and submissives/slaves...too many really don't want to take the time to get to know each other.  "Hi my name is Master Elmer J. Fudd, and I would like to talk to you" ...three hours later, "Yes Master Fudd, i would like to move in with You and i'll do ANYTHING for You"   that is basically a recipe for failure.  At least learn whether the other person prefers the toilet paper flipped over or under the roll before you make a lifetime commitment. 

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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/29/2006 1:31:39 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear openmindedslave, Ladies and Gentlemen;

It is my personal opinion that failure alone is merely a “mismatch” of the persons contacted. What may be a mismatch for one dominant will be perfect for another. It holds true for dominants as well.

I know I am not perfect, don’t know “everything” however, I am not a beginner and as much as I enjoy teaching beginners and others more “along,” My sights are aimed for someone who knows what living the lifestyle is and not “exploring” or “seeking their virgin experience.” I’ll consider everybody, as I like to give people a chance.  I have invested in virgins to the M/s lifestyle full time in house slaves, one lasting nine years before military transfer and later, perished overseas. Others have served almost as long as nine years.  But, that is history.  I look forward to another opportunity, knowing that all slaves are different but, it certainly peeks my interest if they have some experiences and lost their virginity per se, of what the lifestyle is like.

I also find individuals that don’t read profiles and journals quite often. Most times they do so after the fact. I don’t mind questions or comments but, so many contacts to me are to be their “Goddess” and or Mistress, etc., before I consent to consider them. I really tire of slave / submissive types claiming me as “theirs” only to have their girdle in a bunch when I politely do not accept their submission. Most are in conflict of an existing lists of likes and dislikes.

I really don’t write any slave/submissive types; as I don’t “chase.” However, if I do contact them it is about a topic or information, etc., not to be like a dog catcher, with an empty collar at the end of a long whip trying to scoop stray slaves/submissive sorts. I don’t have any real problems with having scenes or finding those to have scenes with and or part time submissive/slave types. So, most times I remain on sites like CM, as to enjoy like minded individuals; hopefully helpful to others and without any expectations in meeting anybody. I’ll be happy if I do but, I won’t have false hopes.

Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to SirHedonicsslave)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/29/2006 5:13:26 AM   
openmindedslave


Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you Lady Hugs  for what she is doing here.She  is a rare example of a Mistress who was able to connect with a submissive and form a lasting relationship. ..Another factor that is usually not brought up, is the number of persons on both sides that are married.? I was talking to a sissy the other day who is in a marrage that is really not going any where.Not even a vanilla realtionship , in the sense they are just living  seperate lives in their home. So he promotes himself  as a sissy and has even bought a cb3000 that he wears daily. She is meeting this weekend a couple.

Now , she knows she can not be there full time to serve. Hopefully they will understand that. But already there is a problem concerning time and privacy.  Could this be the beginging of a break up .Does the other couple want a sub who can not be there when they need her to be ? I don't know...But its going to be pretty hard to make it a permant relationship, knowing all of this. The smart thing she does , is lets them know up front.Even the profile states it so .

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 4/29/2006 6:22:29 AM   
Areflectionofyou


Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline 		Subs tend to fail, because of many reasons. One being the trust has not been built for them to give up the control. Sometimes the Dominant has expectations , that immedieately on first meet a sub is in complete submission to Him/Her. This slave, gives up all control, when she feels its safe, and that its not a "game". Lets face the cold hard truth. Relationships where you meet from online, take longer to build that trust. This slave is not saying , never meet or take months to meet, or talk on the phone. This slave talked to her Master after chatting from collarme for a half hour. This girl would meet him in 4 weeks from their first conversation. This Girl is far from being overly cautious, but still will not give up all control until she feels safe.
Dominants tend to get somewhat jaded , because of all the online fantasy only submissives that will never meet after promising the world to them. This girl gets just as upset at the games both Dom/sub play online.
This girlset up boundries as 1. talk within the first few days.
2. Don't ask me for more than i can give you until i submit
3. meet within a month
4. Be real and don't lie.
Everything goes both ways correct??????

(in reply to openmindedslave)
Profile   Post #: 40
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