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RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/2/2006 1:54:01 PM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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Just wondering, haven't read every post in this thread, but does anyone besides me find the question itself irritating and presumptuous? It presupposes that all submissives are failures in life, while we (in general terms) may be more introspective than Doms (i know i am generalizing), and may beat ourselves up more for the mistakes that all Humans whether submissive or Dominant make, it does not make us failures as people. There are many submissives who are highly successful while there are many Dominants who are not, it is preposterous to supposed that subs are failures.

However, it does seem to be a common feeling with some as seen by this thread and another saying that all submissives are dishonest children, without honor or truth. It is amazing since all submissive are failures in life and can't be trust to live with honor and truth that you Doms would want any of us.

heartfelt

(in reply to gentlethistle)

Post #: 61

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/3/2006 4:55:19 AM

openmindedslave

Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

the idea of failure in this forum might suggest that the problem lies on the submissive side, but in fact was not to limit the view to just one group.The question was asked to share the thoughts and experiences of subs /slaves who seem to constantly searching or have just about given up the search for a dom .The gist of the question pertains to the causes of not connecting.

In the doms section, the usuall issues commonly come up..and in truth, there are some common threads her also...

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 62

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/3/2006 5:23:37 PM

BOCAFEMALE

Posts: 3
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

Wow Reasonable

That was so poetic, I loved your post and it almost brought a tear to my eye.

Party on!

Bocafemale , Florida ,USA

(in reply to Reasonable)

Post #: 63

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/3/2006 5:57:41 PM

MsRachelxxx

Posts: 31
Joined: 3/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

However, it does seem to be a common feeling with some as seen by this thread and another saying that all submissives are dishonest children, without honor or truth. It is amazing since all submissive are failures in life and can't be trust to live with honor and truth that you Doms would want any of us.

heartfelt

quote:

the idea of failure in this forum might suggest that the problem lies on the submissive side, but in fact was not to limit the view to just one group.The question was asked to share the thoughts and experiences of subs /slaves who seem to constantly searching or have just about given up the search for a dom .The gist of the question pertains to the causes of not connecting.

In the doms section, the usuall issues commonly come up..and in truth, there are some common threads her also...

openmindedslave

i don't understand how this can be answered in any way other than by individuals who have experienced being a sub/slave. i am sure like every facet of life we look at there are many, many different experiences running from one end of the good/bad or healthy/unhealthy continuum to the other.
Speaking solely for myself and recognising that we may not be the best judges of ourselves, i can only offer that my life as a sub/slave has not only taken me all over the world, but has both educated me in many, many disciplines and has, i truly believe, given me an unparalled appreciation, love, and satisfaction with life, and in all honesty, i also know that i brought much the same to my Masters and Mistress's.

i have always explored the very deepest facets of all i have taken on in life and given it my uttermost attention, as i think we who are sub/slaves aim for in our service. i have been fortunate in that at an early age i received an excellent education that has served me extremely well in life. i think i have always had a very natural disposition to serve and nurture others, but with enough kink, that rather than become a nurse or a nun, i chose to be with those who share my kink asnd to fulfill them as much as they fulfill me in our D/s roles in life.

slave rachel

(in reply to BOCAFEMALE)

Post #: 64

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/4/2006 10:42:15 AM

CuriousPuppy

Posts: 120
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MichMasochist
First if your like me a subby, not slave, looking for a relationship other than bussiness or one night stand, yes I'm talking about pros. That eliminates 90% of the dommes. The remaining appear to have too high or unreasonable expectations. Mostly they leave me with the impression of a Peg Bundy type wanting a no strings service slave.

Don't know about the male side of the dom problem. I'd imagine that it's the same.

Have I been contacted? Yes by pros wanting to do bussiness. Only one who wasn't but she was too far away to pursue a relationship with.

I pretty much agree 100% with MichMasochist and have to say that he put it in better words than I would have. I find that I quickly scan most people's profile for indications of that sort of "Peg Bundy" thing in them more often than not. Usually the first line or two is enough to clear it up and before you get halfway through it's brutally obvious. The coffee or similar requirement tends to make a good number of dominants I come into contact with online flinch or declare that it just won't work out, one even went so far as to say that I was too demanding to require a public meeting somewhere first rather than show up at their front door and let them tie me up right away. Are there subs with their own problems? Sure, some of them even contact me with the scattergun mailing approach for some reason.

What I do find however is that submissives are almost universally blamed whenever things don't work out or aren't perfect. I was just reading the "forced bi" thread in one of the other forums and figure it's a perfect example. On more than one occasion I've had people ask me how I felt about forced bi and similar things, and the answer is always the same thing... I can't say for certain, it really depends on the situation. Would I be willing to try it if it was important to you? Yes most likely. Is it something that I crave? Not particularly no. Are there a whole boatload of safety things, like condoms and it not being some random person, that I would absolutely not budge on with it? you bet! Pick anyone, no matter how kinky they might be, and are an awful lot of things that they have never tried and possibly never even considered before, but they would often be willing to consider discuss or try at least some of them for the right person if it was important to them. I find a lot of dominants, especially with that question about the 'would you try forced bi' topic, immediately make a judgement about how that's ok or "I simply can't be with a submissive who would consider that/wouldn't do that. I hope things work out for you with someone else"... and the second is far more common than the first online.

(in reply to MichMasochist)

Post #: 65

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/4/2006 12:09:02 PM

wetrope

Posts: 117
Joined: 8/9/2004
From: GATINEAU, PQ
Status: offline

methinks there r many on here who are just plain wannabe's, some doms some subs, they dont know how to start, they r impatient, they r rude, they r most of the time ridiculous in tone and vocabularly and approach. But then how different is it from real life, at lease real life on the net.

_____________________________

Wetrope

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 66

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/4/2006 4:54:04 PM

openmindedslave

Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

I see another problem being how many subs.slaves ,,and even doms really don't know much about this lifestyle? Becasue so many hide their interest from the vanilla world, they are forced to figure things out on their own..If you read the profiles on here, you will see how often people waat to learn instead of misleading others into thinking they know how to play already. I always ask this question with those I am close too. " How many of your frineds and family know about your interest? " More times than not, they will let me know its still a secret from them .
So in a sense, failure in this lifestyle can also come from the lack of experience or even lack of education from either side. It can also happen from a level of fear? While there are a host of successes out here, how many are really able to discuss their interest with others as you would discuss vanilla aspects of relationships...Probably not that many.. And if some how it still seems wrong in some way to someone involved , then how could you possiably have a successful open relationship in this lifestyle???

(in reply to wetrope)

Post #: 67

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/4/2006 5:26:59 PM

WhiteRadiance

Posts: 247
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave

I see another problem being how many subs.slaves ,,and even doms really don't know much about this lifestyle? Becasue so many hide their interest from the vanilla world, they are forced to figure things out on their own..If you read the profiles on here, you will see how often people waat to learn instead of misleading others into thinking they know how to play already. I always ask this question with those I am close too. " How many of your frineds and family know about your interest? " More times than not, they will let me know its still a secret from them .
So in a sense, failure in this lifestyle can also come from the lack of experience or even lack of education from either side. It can also happen from a level of fear? While there are a host of successes out here, how many are really able to discuss their interest with others as you would discuss vanilla aspects of relationships...Probably not that many.. And if some how it still seems wrong in some way to someone involved , then how could you possiably have a successful open relationship in this lifestyle???

Are you suggesting that because someone is discrete about their personal sexual preferences, they somehow do not know how to have a sucessful relationship? Since when does being "out" make you more honest and capable of having a fulfilling BDSM relationship?

Does coming out and telling everyone make it any more real? Does this verify it in some way? Does it take the label to make you what you are?

I have a very loving relationship with my submissive and I can share my feelings for him openly to everyone. Certain people know the dynamics of our relationship.. those I am assured will understand.

Ms.Staci

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 68

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/4/2006 7:44:44 PM

openmindedslave

Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

actually , No Ms Staci..My suggestion or comment is to those out here who have no one to turn to for support or education on this lifestyle. So often the education comes from the vanilla side of fantasys involving doms with thigh highs and slaves living in dugeons 24/7. Only suggesting that to many being discret is a requirement. And sometimes the stress of not being open about you are in society can be very stressful in creating committed relationships. I do not suggest to any one this is the main or sole reason, just the fact that the lack of openness can create a level of discomfort when one memeber is very open and public and the other feels a need to be discret not only in public, but with their family and closes freinds.

(in reply to WhiteRadiance)

Post #: 69

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/4/2006 7:57:09 PM

Kidless

Posts: 104
Joined: 5/4/2006
Status: offline

There's a teend to nuerotic behavior in this crowd-bottoms are easier to deal with.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 70

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/5/2006 6:11:54 AM

WhiteRadiance

Posts: 247
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

In all honesty, I would not think it is the subs who "fail". Relationships fail. And you are right that the fantasy is all pervasive, and a lot of people are not educated.
That is their own fault. Some people prefer fantasy to reality. They do not want bills, kids, gas prices and other outside thoughts in their fantasy. But if you are lifestyle, you know better. So the subs who fail, in my opinion, are not subs at all.
I would suggest everyone always be true to themselves. If I am in a vanilla situation, or around family, with my slave, he is still my slave. He still tends to me. He is not on his back under my feet, but he is still who he is.
All things worth having take time to attain. maybe people these days are used to microwave food and high speed internet and expect a high-speed love life as well. no one to blame.

_____________________________

Staci

The drop of rain makes a hole in a stone not by violence, but by often falling.

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 71

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/5/2006 8:12:31 AM

aleshaDreams

Posts: 184
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

I really wonder if alot of expectation is lost with fantasy. I continually hear people reference the story of O and recommend it others to get the picture right. The story of O was fantasy, written as fantasy amounst other fictional books that are being referenced as resources. I personally think that this so called 'failure' is not failure in itself but unrealistic expectation in relation to Real Life. Lets face it anyone on the inet can say they are Dominant as any one can say they are Submissive or Slave, whatever. It comes down to what you need to fulfill your life and what personality will complement that to allow it to free flow. Until you meet one that is that complementl making a connection that does not pan out is not failure - it is life. There are some that just don't tick, some that kinda tick, and one perhaps 2 that rock our world. Its all about understanding yourself that allows you to understand another.

We don't live 30, 40 plus years in the past (atleast I don't) in which life is dramatized by a painted rehearsed image seen in the lastest retake of the Secretary, or other such novels. Hell we don't even wear the same clothes and given we do not have the same dynamics of the socio-economic conditions dating back that many years, no one can even set the tone to create such environments to live. Dominant types on line expecting submission without consent (aka demand without full knowledgeable agreement) are nothing more than fantasy writers. Slaves I think are few and far between, atleast true slaves are and in my opinion there are far more that say they are than are not, hence 'failure' seen from the Dominants view. Check the profiles, how many of the profiles indicated they are looking for a slave, how many responses are they getting in which the slave is not actually a slave but a submissive. Mistaken identities, interpretations, not fully understanding the ramifications of such self-proclamations, perhaps just looking for someone to care for them not rationizing the truth behind the purpose they will serve. Reality check here people, no wonder there is so much damn hypocracy on the inet, perhaps getting out the fantasy world might be a good place to start.

(in reply to WhiteRadiance)

Post #: 72

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/5/2006 12:37:53 PM

openmindedslave

Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

aleeshadreams , you so right..The idea that a dom can find a true slave ( up to everyones definition) might be almost imposssiable to find. Not to say their not available somewhere., but the idea of giving up every possession you have, to give up control to another... and basically put your future insome ones elses hands, is almost un realistic. Yet I have known doms on here for years in search of such a person. Someone who will greet them at the door on their knees. Who will live in a seperate room of the house.That will maintain and keep up an income in the outside world ,and at home give control of all bank accounts, credit and push the limits of legal owner ship of another to the max. For the purpose of being in total control of another .And if the situation calls for it , the slave would be kicked out with only the clothes that she lets him leave with .Not the car he goes to work in, or the money in his bank accounts...

(in reply to aleshaDreams)

Post #: 73

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/5/2006 1:43:38 PM

aleshaDreams

Posts: 184
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

Yes I have heard of such situations, and have been told by a said dom that in fact that would be my life if I came to be his, which he assumed would be the case.... Not. But regardless I always base my advancement with anyone on 2 principal questions. What does said Dom have to offer me, and what do I have to offer him. If any either of these questions draw a blank then destiny is pretty much written for that relationship; it is not going to happen. I do not ask that question immediately and there are several things I do look at prior to such. Although I am abit of a dreamer in my own world, I still take a reality check:

I have to work
I have a family
I have a few personal activities that exclude a Doms participation cause I just don't want him around for such.
I like personal space.

I understand stating that I am suggesting that perhaps I am not a submissive. Well low and behold, submission is not necessarily a objective discription. When I am with the one that fits the compatibility I seek, there is and will be no issue with the above because my specs include them. I am not dellusional in this process, as a matter of fact at my age I am really not overly dependant on finding someone that would start to confine the freedom I am just recently beginning to enjoy (hark less of a slave to my children whom are grown).

But again it is expectation and rationization with reality. The more I hear someone tell me they know how I feel when they have not even paid attention or asked enough questions about to know the magnitude of combined influences .... I do question the validity. If one declares themselves to be submissive, is there reason why a said dom will insist they will make said sub into slave, or that they are slave........... I say keep it real folks regardless of your role. Dominant types are not mystical wizards, submissives vary in degree of submission, and slaves well this one I do not fathom due to refusal to regress.

I probably fell off track here and I apologize lol

< Message edited by aleshaDreams -- 5/5/2006 1:45:00 PM >

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 74

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/5/2006 8:05:49 PM

openmindedslave

Posts: 470
Joined: 2/27/2005
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stay derailed aleshaDreams

(in reply to aleshaDreams)

Post #: 75

RE: Okay why do subs fail so often? - 5/10/2006 12:52:23 PM

DaimonDog

Posts: 14
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedslave
aleeshadreams , you so right..The idea that a dom can find a true slave almost imposssiable to find. but the idea of giving up every possession you have, to give up control to another... and basically put your future insome ones elses hands, is almost un realistic. Yet I have known doms on here for years in search of such a person. Someone who will greet them at the door on their knees. the purpose of being in total control of another .And if the situation calls for it , the slave would be kicked out with only the clothes that she lets him leave with .

Dominants who want 'total control' 'a real slave' - but will NOT lift a finger themselves! Too much trouble! Responsibility? Nah!

Need instant slave... I know!
SEA MONKEYS!

< Message edited by DaimonDog -- 5/10/2006 1:48:42 PM >

(in reply to openmindedslave)

Post #: 76

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