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Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized people - 11/1/2010 9:54:50 AM   
Maitreandslave


Posts: 13
Joined: 10/4/2010
Status: offline 		Why do people have no courtesies any more.  If you speak to someone through here and then move to messenger or something and change your mind just tell them that you have changed your mind.  It is rude not to at least give the courtesy of saying something.  I guess it is easier to just drop the call and move on. 

We are real and like those that are real and that includes being courteous.  We understand that we may not be for everyone and everyone may not be for us.  It is not hard to say, I am sorry but I do not think that we are a good fit or compatible.  It is understandable and we accept that.
Just saying people should be courteous to all even those they are not compatible with or are not interested in unless the other is rude to you.  Is this a joke to every one now a days?  What happened to the days that people actually had manners and knew how to act?  Are those days and people gone now?
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 10:02:17 AM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Hi Maitre,

This complaint is very common. But you should know that if you are seeking a third, you are looking for a very rare creature. If you remind yourself that, you might not be so impatient. Oh, and demanding some sort of action too soon (like moving to chat) may very well scare off that shy, sweet unicorn.

And it's always better NOT to call someone who runs off from you, or doesn't respond to you, a fake.

January

PS Good luck.

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to Maitreandslave)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 10:04:03 AM   
curiouscuriouser


Posts: 55
Joined: 11/1/2010
Status: offline 		It's also uncourteous to rant at a forum and accuse the entire population of its users of this behavior. I clicked this thread with an iota of empathy for you, which was very promptly zapped.

< Message edited by curiouscuriouser -- 11/1/2010 10:05:00 AM >

(in reply to Maitreandslave)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 10:09:10 AM   
Maitreandslave


Posts: 13
Joined: 10/4/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you for your response January it is much appreciated and is on the point.

I am not calling them a fake or anything.  I am just stating that a courtesy can be observed.  They may be very real indeed.  I agree.

I also know that the third is a rare find.  However.  The move from collarme to other is their choice.  I have not once requested it but they give it freely then in the middle of our discussion whether they are speaking to myself or my girl they just up and disappear and do not respond or anything.

Patience is very high with me.  If my post sounded as if I was calling anyone a fake I do apologize for that was not my intent at all.  My intent was just to ask about courtesy being gone and using this as a precedent.  My and my girl find it rather frustrating even though we are patient.  We are not trying to rush into anything as we know it is a big step and not for everyone.  Though we look at it as even if you are not a fit then at least it is a friend in the lifestyle and often that is few and far between.

(in reply to January)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 10:12:46 AM   
Maitreandslave


Posts: 13
Joined: 10/4/2010
Status: offline 		If you read I was speaking of a personal observation that dealt with me and my girl and was not ranting about all in the lifestyle.  I asked a simple question.  Is courtesy in the lifestyle gone and also stating that it should be observed. 

If you took it as a rant against the lifestyle you are very much mistaken as it was not just a personal view.

(in reply to curiouscuriouser)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 10:23:35 AM   
subkatslut


Posts: 81
Joined: 9/14/2010
Status: offline 		I don't think it's a lack of patience at all and an acceptable rant.

If you exchange a few messages/emails on here showing interest and talking a little more in depth with someone especially to the point that you then exchange a messenger id and engage on there a simple acknowledgement of "thanks but now that we've talked further I'm no longer interested" is a nice courtesy.

I can't even fathom sending someone a reply to their profile saying I'm interested, exchanging a few emails and then simply deciding meh not for me and at least not sending something off saying thanks for taking the time to talk to me but I've decided you're not what I am looking for. Which is far more couteous then simply never responding again and perhaps even leaving them hanging wondering for a little while if I'm just busy or tied up or lost interest.

I also don't think he was labeling all these people fakes but more like "are they for real" as in do they treat people in real life the same way. Sometimes people forget that just because it's online that doesn't give you a free pass to throw all courtesy out the window. We're all people whether in front of you or on the other end of a computer.

< Message edited by subkatslut -- 11/1/2010 10:24:50 AM >

(in reply to curiouscuriouser)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 10:31:55 AM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Hi subkat,

On the face of things, I'd say you are right.

Except I've often seen this seething anger in people looking for a third. The "real" remarks, and the "courtesy" remarks are often insincere, due to a lack of self-awareness. This anger is usually misdirected frustration because it is not easy to snare the lovely unicorn.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to subkatslut)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 10:33:49 AM   
Maitreandslave


Posts: 13
Joined: 10/4/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you subkatslut that was a very lovely response.  I may not always say things the way I mean them to be said but I think I get my thoughts across enough.  You are exactly correct on what my thoughts were and it was in no was a rant or against all as I said before.  Thank you again be well and safe.

(in reply to subkatslut)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 10:51:21 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Please understand that nobody on the internet owes you anything.  Not even the amount of time that it takes to type out "I'm not interested". 

Overwhelmingly, women on this site (even though you've moved to chat) are used to people reacting poorly if they tell them any version of thanks but no thanks.  That is very much why this happens.  It doesn't matter if people were trading emails here or actually decided to chat.  Expect that some people will prefer to just drop the contact, rather than actually tell you that they are not interested and risk people reacting offensively to it.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to January)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 10:55:45 AM   
TotalDiscipline


Posts: 225
Joined: 5/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Please understand that nobody on the internet owes you anything.


neither in the real world, but courtesy is about the things we don't ow eachother...but do it anyway

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 10:57:47 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		I was thinking the same thing, LP.

_____________________________

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RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 11:13:37 AM   
subkatslut


Posts: 81
Joined: 9/14/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Please understand that nobody on the internet owes you anything.  Not even the amount of time that it takes to type out "I'm not interested". 

Overwhelmingly, women on this site (even though you've moved to chat) are used to people reacting poorly if they tell them any version of thanks but no thanks.  That is very much why this happens.  It doesn't matter if people were trading emails here or actually decided to chat.  Expect that some people will prefer to just drop the contact, rather than actually tell you that they are not interested and risk people reacting offensively to it.



Well that is a convenient excuse for a lack of courtesy and even has some truth to it. But one does not excuse the other. Regardless of how someone else may have responded to you in the past it doesn't negate how you treat someone in the future. It may help explain a behavior but it doesn't exonerate it.

But you're also correct in that no one owes anyone anything but that's why sometimes people need to "rant" because of the lack of courtesy.

< Message edited by subkatslut -- 11/1/2010 11:21:24 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 11:13:55 AM   
MollyTroubletail


Posts: 44
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		I've had men who lost interest in me just hang up on me in the middle of a phone call without so much as a good-bye or even a muttered excuse. I've also had them IM me (their choice) and then leave the conversation abruptly as if their connection dropped, and not respond to any messages thereafter. I've even had one man who was playing with me in public and he just walked away in the middle of the session without telling anyone he was leaving, leaving me there naked on the spanking bench alone. And of course the infamous type of person who says he's going out for a pack of cigarettes and goes missing for days without a word, making you wonder if you should file a missing persons report.

I'm sure it's a lack of courtesy but I am also sure it's something deeper. Cowardice and avoidance, I think. They are afraid to be honest or to deal with situations directly, and basically they flee the scene of whatever's making them uncomfortable at the moment, like a gerbil would if you scared it or it got distracted. They have the mentality of gerbils.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 11:21:31 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: January
Except I've often seen this seething anger in people looking for a third.

Or a partner of any sort.  The amount of anger and responsibility-avoidance in online-dating is tremendous.

Who wastes time complaining about what other people lack?  (1) people who feel butthurt, and (2) people who want to elevate themselves by demonstrating how low others are.  Sometimes (1) and (2) are the same.

Do things that are sexy and attractive, and you will be sexually attractive.  Why spend any time doing things that are unattractive?

I don't know whether courtesy has left the lifestyle, but unattractiveness has been part of the lifestyle for a long time -- and, apparently, is still an active member.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to January)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 11:25:31 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subkatslut
sometimes people need to "rant"

Pardon me?  Not only is there no human need to rant, the people with a tendency to do so would be better off if they said, "What mistakes did I make, and how can I improve the next time?"  99% of these rants are attempts to lay blame on the other person, and shoulder no responsibility on oneself for improving social skills.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to subkatslut)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 11:29:48 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subkatslut
Well that is a convenient excuse for a lack of courtesy and even has some truth to it. But one does not excuse the other. Regardless of how someone else may have responded to you in the past it doesn't negate how you treat someone in the future. It may help explain a behavior but it doesn't exonerate it.

If it has truth to it, that classifies it as a reality, not an excuse.  The OP asked why it happens.  It is My firm belief that the reason that I gave in reply is why it happens. 

The issue isn't one that I have Myself.  I don't do a lot of initiating contact on this site with the exception of people from the forums.  It's very rare that someone doesn't write back when I've sent the original note.  Also, I don't "chat" unless it's someone that I actually know. 

However, being on the other side of the fence on this, and reading what many members of the site have said on the issue, the negative reactions that many receive if they are courteous by closing the conversation in some way is the biggest contributor as to why it happens.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to subkatslut)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 11:34:31 AM   
Nslavu


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/1/2010
Status: offline
you could do this-


Thank you for your lack of interest.
You're welcome
why do you say that?
what? thank you?
No, you're welcome
But I'm not interested any more
Why not?
I changed my mind.
Oh thanks for telling me.
You're welcome.
welcome to what?
I thought you weren't interested any more
Oh, well ya, I changed my mind.
To what?
Good bye!
Where are you going?
FFS! I'm outta here.
Be courteous dipshit.
Who are you calling dipshit, fuckface.




I dunno, I think, "I don't want to talk with you anymore." is best expressed by not talking with you anymore.



_____________________________

I used to love anal until I ran into people who's heads I had to remove first.

(in reply to Maitreandslave)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 11:36:23 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		And, by the way, that happens to be the second highest contributor to the why.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Nslavu)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 11:36:56 AM   
switch2please


Posts: 494
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		I disagree. Not everything can be reacted to calmly and logically, that would be more of a Vulcan than a human response...but this is not one of the instances where a highly charged emotional reaction is accepted. When a former roommate went through my bedroom and stole my emergency cash, I was pissed. You bet I called friends to rant and confronted her. When someone discontinues a conversation without explanation on CM, it does seem to be a lack of courtesy but it's too common and unimportant to rant about. I understand no one on the internet owes me anything and vice versa, but I'd rather be polite than not.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: Is courtesy no longer a requirement for civilized p... - 11/1/2010 11:41:33 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Maitreandslave

Why do people have no courtesies any more.  If you speak to someone through here and then move to messenger or something and change your mind just tell them that you have changed your mind.  It is rude not to at least give the courtesy of saying something.  I guess it is easier to just drop the call and move on. 

We are real and like those that are real and that includes being courteous.  We understand that we may not be for everyone and everyone may not be for us.  It is not hard to say, I am sorry but I do not think that we are a good fit or compatible.  It is understandable and we accept that.
Just saying people should be courteous to all even those they are not compatible with or are not interested in unless the other is rude to you.  Is this a joke to every one now a days?  What happened to the days that people actually had manners and knew how to act?  Are those days and people gone now?


Do not give so much credit to 'those days'. My great grandmother was a nasty tempered, rude, bitch. My ex husband's grand mother was the same. Neither had a clue about good manners. It is ridiculous to assume there was a time when everyone was well behaved and mannerly.

I am only responsible for MY behaviour and MY reactions to others' behaviour. I refuse to allow a few rude twats to upset me.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Maitreandslave)
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