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Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 12:25:45 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		This is just part of my personal dynamic, not something universal in any way, but I thought I'd speak about it.  For me part of being a Dominant is that anything that happens in the relationship is my fault.  This isn't some sort of guilt complex, I don't beat myself up over it, I just look and see what I could have done differently and what I can do to remedy the situation.  Now from an objective standpoint some of the problems that arise might be considered her fault, or nobody's fault at all, but by claiming them as my own I take responsibility for them.  With power comes responsibility, and the reverse is also true, part of where my power comes from is from taking responsibility for the wrong as well as the right.  Even when I cannot do anything to correct the situation, and cannot really learn to alter my behavior in the future because the situation was unique it still fulfils that part of me that thrives on being in control to choose to consider what went wrong as due to myself rather than anyone else.


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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 12:35:47 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I wouldn't call it always my fault.. but I do look immediately and first at my actions to see what I might have done differently.. and frankly, I won't take it on if I don't see something I did wrong. I do think its good to take personal and other appropriate responsibility as a Dominant... I do not think its good to always say its your fault or always take the blame...

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 12:37:15 PM   
Nslavu


Posts: 342
Joined: 2/1/2010
Status: offline 		This thread is also your fault.









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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 12:39:31 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I don't really understand your point OP. What is your fault? In a relationship of any sort, BDSM or vanilla, it takes two people. If you are saying that your decisions result in things going awry all the time, I get that.

But if you are saying everything that goes wrong in a relationship with a Dom and a sub is always the Dom's fault, then I highly doubt that.

But it is gallant of you to accept the blame; I just don't buy that it is so one sided.

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 12:43:22 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Accepting personal responsibility is just that.
It isn't about blame or guilt and it certainly isn't about taking the weight of the world or the relationship on your shoulders.

In fact, it is exactly seeing where your part is, owning it and not taking on the stuff that belongs to other people.
Owning their stuff is called enabling.

If you don't know what your part is... then you talk, write or do what you need to do to gain perspective.

If you have faulty input then you need to make adjustments (usually with help).

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 12:44:01 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am the dominant, but I cannot control the thought processes of the other person. They obey me, or not. Their responses to life are based on their experiences, which I also cannot the control. There is generally plenty of blame to go around in any situation, I don't need to hog it.

When a sports team plays badly, they blame the coach... and that baffles me, because the PLAYERS are out there. No matter how good the playbook is, if the players are not up to it, or are not interpreting the orders correctly, the coach is not entirely to blame.

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 12:54:41 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I don't really understand your point OP. What is your fault? In a relationship of any sort, BDSM or vanilla, it takes two people. If you are saying that your decisions result in things going awry all the time, I get that.

But if you are saying everything that goes wrong in a relationship with a Dom and a sub is always the Dom's fault, then I highly doubt that.

But it is gallant of you to accept the blame; I just don't buy that it is so one sided.


As I said, from an objective standpoint it is not so one sided.  it is also not always the Dom's fault, but it is always MY fault. My decisions don't result in things going awry any more than any other person's, it just that, in a relationship, I choose to view whatever does go wrong as my responsibility. 

I think this is also part of why a punishment dynamic doesn't work for me.  I don't like being punished when I mess up, it makes me feel out of control and like a child, even if I am the one doing the punishing I don't like it.  And I do not punish in a way that I am going to enjoy, that feels selfish and wrong to me, so I would prefer not to punish at all unless it is truly needed.

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 1:02:50 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I am the dominant, but I cannot control the thought processes of the other person. They obey me, or not. Their responses to life are based on their experiences, which I also cannot the control. There is generally plenty of blame to go around in any situation, I don't need to hog it.

When a sports team plays badly, they blame the coach... and that baffles me, because the PLAYERS are out there. No matter how good the playbook is, if the players are not up to it, or are not interpreting the orders correctly, the coach is not entirely to blame.

I agree. Anything that takes a team, takes team effort.

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 1:26:39 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Ouch. Guilt seems like it has found a comfortable home in you. I tend to disregard guilt in favor of ownership. I take responsibility for my actions and accept that others have a part they must shoulder too. If I, as a parent, did a piss poor job of teaching my kids manners, that becomes obvious. If my kids had abandoned the things I taught them in favor of other ways and those ways failed.. it is their deal, not mine.
Taking on the role of the one who accepts blame does not give others the insight to see their own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

My decisions don't result in things going awry any more than any other person's, it just that, in a relationship, I choose to view whatever does go wrong as my responsibility. 




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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 1:39:56 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Well, it sure as fuck ain't my fault, heads will roll over this shit, I tell you.......... 

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 1:45:39 PM   
SorceressJ


Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline 		I would like world peace to be my fault. and the theft of DarkSteven's cookies, that can be my fault too.
Events of the year 2012, I have not decided if that will be my fault, the Mayan calendar's fault, or the ginormous meteor that is supposedly headed this way. Could be Planet X too, I'm not sure. Or some aliens.



< Message edited by SorceressJ -- 11/8/2010 1:46:19 PM >

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 1:46:35 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		I also think like that and blame myself for anything that goes wrong that I've made it clear I'm responsible for. There are two ways to deal with this: Stop fucking up OR Stop accepting/taking on more responsibility.

It has nothing to do with D/s. It's about holding yourself accountable when no one else can.

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 1:52:53 PM   
SpaceSpank


Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline 		I would only agree (to a point) with your view if I was speaking of a strict Master/Slave relationship. D/s and many M/s relationships still have the slave/sub/bottom as their own person making many of their own choices. If they fuck up something I had nothing at all to do with, that isn't my fault.

If I control my slaves every action then I'm more willing to accept your view. However, I go with the "fool me once" school of thought. If a slave does something far out of line and not to my wishes, then it is not my fault as I had nothing to do with it. If I continue to let it happen however, then I do own that as I am enabling it in some way.



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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 2:13:40 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I don't see it as a matter of fault or blame, and I believe he and I are both responsible for keeping our relationship healthy.  That said, he is accountable for the way he leads the relationship.  He is the leader, I am his follower.  All relationship decisions are his.  Therefore yes, he is ultimately responsible/accountable for the direction of our relationship. 

But good or bad, we're in this together. There is no "fault."  There's just life, learning from it, and moving forward.


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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 2:14:06 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh


As I said, from an objective standpoint it is not so one sided.  it is also not always the Dom's fault, but it is always MY fault. My decisions don't result in things going awry any more than any other person's, it just that, in a relationship, I choose to view whatever does go wrong as my responsibility. 




Quoting myself:
If you have faulty input then you need to make adjustments (usually with help).

Your input is faulty.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 2:18:38 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

I also think like that and blame myself for anything that goes wrong that I've made it clear I'm responsible for. There are two ways to deal with this: Stop fucking up OR Stop accepting/taking on more responsibility.

It has nothing to do with D/s. It's about holding yourself accountable when no one else can.


I do my very best to take the "stop fucking up" route.  On the other hand I'm human, I accept and expect that I will make mistakes some of the time.  This really isn't about guilt, it's about responsibility and how it manifests for me.  I usually have D/s ans opposed to M/s relationships, so perhaps I am stealing some blame that rightfully belongs to my subs, but I don't think they resent it too very much.

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 2:22:26 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		Also, I want to make it clear that this is simply how I approach the dynamic, if I had a sub who blamed for everything as well and didn't take any responsibility herself that would lead to a very broken dynamic quite quickly.

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 2:55:39 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		Having a sense of responsibility is actually a good thing.

Sometimes, I'll be unwilling to become responsible for something I know I'm not good at. We all have limitations.

If you make mistakes, then you have regret. What you can do is remedy the situation as best you can and then accept that's the best you could do at the time and move on.

That's how it works for me, at least.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 11/8/2010 2:59:43 PM >

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 3:37:21 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		Your sense of responsibility is very chivalrous and sensitive.

But just because your driving a Prius and are in control, you are not the reason the gas pedal stuck. I see where your going with this and there is alot of responsibility being a Dom or Master, but be practical. Some things just do not work out.

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RE: Why it is always my fault. - 11/8/2010 3:43:04 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: anniezz338

Your sense of responsibility is very chivalrous and sensitive.

But just because your driving a Prius and are in control, you are not the reason the gas pedal stuck. I see where your going with this and there is alot of responsibility being a Dom or Master, but be practical. Some things just do not work out.


I don't drive, but to stretch the metaphor a little if the gas pedal sticks and I crash my prius into the neighbor's tree the crash is my fault.  I'll replace the neighbor's tree and repair my car.  If there's evidence that the stuck gas pedal was due to negligence on the part of the manufacturer or the person who did maintenance on my car I'll take what action is required to get them to take care of their liabilities in that, and I'll make sure not to assume in the future that the gas pedal is not going to stick, especially on that particular car.

Also, if someone asks who's fault it is that the neighbor's tree is now a cracked off stump, I'll claim responsibility without hesitating.

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