CallaFirestormBW
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Joined: 6/29/2008
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~Fast Reply after reading the first 4-5 responses~
WOW... there is a lot of negativity and hostility to this idea, and I'm not sure where that is coming from. Are we -really- so cynical that we would have to assume that anyone offering to provide this kind of assistance to the community MUST be a predator? Really?.
As some of you know, and as I've mentioned in other posts, I essentially do this, and have done it for a number of years, in a MUCH less formal way, as a pastoral-care provider who specializes in support for the fetish, BDSM, and authority-dynamic communities. We've provided 'safe-house' environments for those who are trying to exit a relationship that is dangerous and untenable. Honestly, it would be NICE to have a couple more places like this available in our own community, and any community that can get people who are willing to do this are fortunate, IMO, because things -do- happen.
That being said, from my experience, if one is going to do something like this, one needs to be prepared for certain realities:
1. Those entering into asylum are NOT going to be interested in anything other than staying safe and healing from trauma. Therefore, there is a need for someone with some background in mental/emotional well-being, -and- in dealing with complex and traumatic emotional situations. While having familiar activities (and the opportunity to provide service for those whose self-perception revolves around that kind of service mindset) is important, it is really unlikely, IMO, to be a successful time to incorporate -training-, as learning new things doesn't mesh well with trying to heal from an intensely traumatic experience.
2. Being prepared to handle things like suicidal behaviors, psychotic/traumatic breakdowns, broadly disseminated rage, etc., are vital. These situations -will- cause upheaval in a household, and they are virtually guaranteed in a safe-house situation, as the individuals who come into such places deal with their trauma, heal, and experience the normal range of emotions that grief and sudden release from abuse/danger will bring to the surface.
3. Most people who end a relationship aren't going to come to a safe-house. The ones who do will most likely be leaving REALLY bad situations -- and the person(s) that they're leaving may be only a few steps behind them! Some kind of security and/or a good relationship with law enforcement is a MUST.
4. You will undergo a -great- deal of scrutiny from within the community, and that scrutiny will be ongoing for as long as you're involved in providing asylum. This is a good thing, IMO, as it keeps those of us who are providing resources like this honest -- but believe me, every mistake you make (and you -will- make mistakes) will be splattered all over the community within what seems like -moments-, and it will take a long time to restore your name if things go -really- wrong. Not ONLY the behaviors towards those seeking asylum with you will be put on the block -- so will the way that you interact in the community, AND how people perceive your private relationships. EVERYTHING comes under scrutiny.
5. You will need to develop a thick skin -and- a capacity to accept constructive criticism. Sometimes, in the depths of that "emotional Knight" frame of mind, it is very difficult to see that one is, in fact, exacerbating an individuals problems rather than solving them -- if unable to listen to the voices from outside who see where our blind spots are, providing a safe-house can do much more harm than good.
6. Make sure you have professionals in the community with whom you can work: Try to have as broad a selection as possible among police, psychologists, psychiatrists, ministers, doctors, mid-level providers (Physician Assistants/Certified Nurse Practitioners/ Paramedics), lawyers, judges, etc. who have been carefully educated to a kink-aware, and kink-accepting frame of mind. You will -definitely- need them, and so will those who seek asylum with you.
7. Realize that this will impact everything about your life. You will no longer be able to count on a full night's sleep, a weekend away, vacations, etc. People will come to count on you, and until you can develop a network with whom you can coordinate, you will need to make sure that what you OFFER, you can PRODUCE -- namely, if you call yourself a 'safe house', you must be available when people need you -- which may not be convenient, timely, or even allow you the time to go to the bathroom or sit down to a meal. On the other hand, you may find that you go MONTHS between situations that require your attention... and then you have FAR too many to handle all in the same week. Again, this is just part of the process, and making sure that you have places and people that you can refer to, and who can back you up... and that you have plenty to keep you busy without possibly preventing you from responding if you -are- needed when things are slow is all part of finding balance when offering such a service.
8. The hardest part of this, at least for me, has always been the whole "this person no longer wants my help, so I need to let go and let them move on from here on their own -- even if I don't agree with their choices" thing... it's tough, and it comes up a lot. Letting that person who came running to you for help leave with the person xhe was running from is really HARD.. and for me, it leaves me worrying for -weeks- about how that person is going to manage from this point on, or, in some cases, whether xhe'll wait too long to seek out my help the next time... but one thing that was made REALLY clear to me during my training is that, while I am responsible for those in my care when I am providing pastoral care, once that person chooses to leave my care, I am -required- ethically, to accept their free-will to do so... and it -does- hurt, and we -do- wonder if we could have done something differently... and sometimes, when things go all runny-floating-crap, we wonder if we couldn't have MADE that person stay in the safe-house or stay with the therapist, or whatever... but in the end, free-will provides the limit to our interventions, and sometimes, that just straight-out SUCKS.
That's all I can think of for now.
Calla
< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 11/20/2010 8:37:16 AM >
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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"
"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer
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RE: Safe House? - 
Profile
Immediate family seemed to target women who really needed help and anyone who has been to whipstock can tell you, they also know how to throw one hell of a party
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