RE: is it gold digging if...

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LadyConstanze -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 6:45:00 AM)
Hey, if you like doing it because it's fun for you too and it is important for him, then why on earth should he not pay for it? You are not extracting money, he wants to see you in stuff, it's for his pleasure, why shouldn't he pay for it? Or on the flip side, why should you pay for his pleasure? I'm not living in a D/s relationship but the other day my other half complained that I haven't bought new Wolford body stockings and lingerie in a while, well, I budgeted my money differently, as much as I love Wolford, £300 upwards for a body stocking or £40 for a pair of stockings (for the Yanks, roughly multiply with 1.5) is something I do notice in my budget, I got about 20 bodies of Wolford already but if he wants to see me in some stuff of the new collection, I told him that he might just go and buy it, he does know my size, I'll gladly wear it but with all the xmas shopping, I'm not flush enough to consider entering one of their stores or Harvey Nichols (experience taught me that I usually end up spending about 1K because the temptation is too much and I could easily spend a lot more).... I wonder if he's going to buy some Wolfords or yet another guitar or amp.... I won't be cross if he goes for another guitar or amp, but then he shouldn't complain if I wear the "old" stuff from last season (like being from this or last season's collection makes such a difference when it comes to sexy lingerie...) Give him a list of what all that stuff costs, tell him you don't mind wearing it for him but you can't afford it, if he wants you to wear it and be dolled up, he should pay for it, why should you have to dip into your college funds for his pleasure?

LadyConstanze -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 6:56:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jaybeee quote: ORIGINAL: itsmeinLV ...I'm accepting money to "maintain" myself to way HE likes? He's always taking (verbal) hits on me because he feels I don't get myself done up the way he likes, but it's expensive to do it! My hair alone takes about 50 bucks every 2-3 weeks to maintain. I don't make that much money and I have school/books/equipments to think about first! Now, I'm not gonna toot my own horn, but I don't think I look like crap when I'm NOT done up...just plain Jane, I guess, but not fugly. :-/ So this last time he made a comment on my image, I made a deal with him. If he wants me to "maintain" myself, then give me money to do it. I told him if he's gonna give me money to get weekly facials to maintain my skin so I can put on make up everyday ("JUST for him"), then I'll do it. But it's too expensive for me to afford it! Make up products itself is super expensive! Not to mention the hair stuff I need and my face is sensitive so, yes, I do need the expensive crap. Believe me, I don't WANT to need it, but my skin rashes tells me otherwise. :( I feel like such a gold digger taking his money for reasons like this but I wouldn't need it if it weren't for him to begin with, right? Right?!! What does E/everybody else think? Please be gentle, I'm not good with criticism... :-/ Do you know what a "slippery slope" is? From the tone of the above, it's not going to be long before he starts paying for your expensive restaurant meals, for your tyres to be replaced, and before you give up whatever form of work you do and live off him. You can say you will prove me wrong, but I think you know, in your heart, that you don't want to prove me wrong. That is a jump of the imagination that she will start living off him, though if he can afford to give her money so she can concentrate on college and spend more time with him instead of busting her butt working next to college, I also see NOTHING wrong with it. As for expensive restaurant meals, if I want to eat in an expensive restaurant and I know the other person can't afford it, of course I will pay for it if I want to eat there in the company of said person, that's just being a decent person and not wanting somebody else being financially pressed for what you like doing. In case I want to go out for a meal and I ask one of my mates, should he or she say "Sorry, can't afford it right now but want to come over?" I have the choice between saying "I take you out, my treat" or going to the mate's house and hanging out there, it doesn't mean they will become dependent on me. I usually buy clothes for my other half, because he's lacking basic fashion sense and would run around in geek t-shirts, doesn't mean he's living off me, I like to see him in something, I tell him it suits him better, if he buys it then fine, if not I'll get it. Now if he'd lose his job I would find it absolutely normal to pay the bills for a while, just like he would, it's called relationship, when it comes down to who pays what and that is an issue, the relationship can't be all that great anyway, but if one person likes something on the other and the other hasn't got the money to afford it, well, the person has a choice of not seeing the other how he or she likes seeing him or her or paying for it, pretty simple and straight forward and not a slippery slope. She isn't saying "Give me £100 so I will put on makeup!" all she is saying is "You like me in makeup, I'll wear it for you, but you have to provide it as my finances won't allow it!"

pahunkboy -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 7:59:55 AM)
I dont know either person.. so as was stated- one size does NOT fit all.

barelynangel -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 8:02:06 AM)
If he wants me to maintain his expectations and standards then yes, to me, even if i can afford it, he is responsible for the upkeep of what is his. In a slave relationship that is my experience, he has control over the finances. So i would have to get the money from him either way. I am editing to add this -- even though i worked (he allowed me because i wanted to not because he needed me too) he never used my money for supporting us in any way shape or form - he didn't have too. When i was a slave i had a credit card and a debit card and didn't have to ask about every dime i spent -- he would review the statements every month, sometimes he would ask me about things but normally he didn't have an issue with what i spent money on. grins, he didn't wanna know about all the things girls needed as long as the final product was what he enjoyed. Since what he enjoyed all included maintenance and yes he enjoyed me getting things done rather than my doing them -- like a day at the spa and getting my nails and feet done, and facials and body stuff, awesome clothes etc. He had no qualms paying for that because not only did he benefit from the results, part of those results were me being relaxed. He never wanted to know what it took to get the results he enjoyed lol but lord did he enjoy the results. BUT he also noticed when i was overdue and while he didn't tell me to go get something done -- like say a nail was broke, he would when he noticed it no matter where we were pick up my hand and look at it. It would be corrected the next day. THE ONLY thing i had to get his explicit permission on was cutting my hair. He actually measured it before and after to make sure only what he allowed was taken off lol. However, i should say some days he was in his ultra control concepts and i had to ask permission to GO anywhere, so at times it was a pain in the ass when he got in his mood. Honestly, i miss having free reign (money wise) over maintenance lol. angel

barelynangel -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 8:03:36 AM)
quote: Do you know what a "slippery slope" is? From the tone of the above, it's not going to be long before he starts paying for your expensive restaurant meals, for your tyres to be replaced, and before you give up whatever form of work you do and live off him Okay i am confused-- you make this sound like this is a bad thing? Serious question here. angel

DesFIP -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 8:29:02 AM)
Cosmetics are not that expensive. There are drugstore brands that work perfectly well. Plus they last for a long time. Buying it all at once is a bite, afterwards you replace your mascara every few months, and other stuff as it runs out. Hair care is pricey though. But you can do your own facials much cheaper than having a salon do them. And you can learn how by just spending time reading the instructions. You're making excuses in the hopes he'll stop pushing you. You need to decide if you are going to make five minutes a day to put on some mascara and blush and lipgloss or not. However him making digs at you is not the appropriate way about it. Either he tells you that it's important to him that you dress up or not. But putting you down is more likely to get you to dig in your heels plus it destroys trust.

pahunkboy -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 8:36:08 AM)
As a gay male- this is hard for me to understand the complete dynamics over this. My last mate- was a pain in the azz even over $20. For instance- if he paid $20 more then I did on any item for our household- he held it over my head for weeks. So much so- I absolutely did NOT want his $20. I am sure I had my faults too. We had 4 good years- 2 so-so years- and the final year was hell.

lizi -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 10:51:18 AM)
I don't see anything wrong with accepting his money to do something that he wants. I think a tricky area might be the time you will put in using the products. I'm wondering if you are reluctant to take the money because once you do you'll have to start putting in the time and the energy for constant upkeep...? It's not for everyone. Some women revel in being feminine and spend lots of time on their appearance...some like a wash and wear hair style and no makeup because they find the constant upkeep to be draining. Which type of woman are you and does it match with his ultimate vision of you?

soul2share -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 11:23:05 AM)
The only flag I can see in the post that makes me pause is the wording "verbal hit"......as in he's taking cheap shots about your appearance, but you don't specify how he does it. Digging at someone's self esteem is a line I draw...and it doesn't get crossed. But no, it's not gold-digging at all. I too have a budget that doesn't allow for extras.....especially now that I'm unemployed! But I have a hard time justifying spending on frills and lace mainly because I don't wear it as a rule anyway. I've always been up front with anyone I'm involved with that I'm very low maintenance, and if they want anything fancy, then they are going to have to provide it. So far, so good......of course, no one's bought the things "he" wanted me in, but I'm fine with that. Naked works just fine for me! As far as make up and things like that, I usually reserve it for job interviews! My skin plain is in pretty good shape, freckles are my biggest thing. I have gorgeous eyes, and will play them up, but when it comes to applying make up proper, I'm a total dolt! I pretty much stick to tinted moisturizer and lipstick. And my hair is short, so that isn't a big budget item either. If he wants you to maintain a certain look for him, then yes, he should be willing to provide the means to do it. But be prepared....the gentleman I'm involved with now gave me cash to get new chains for my bed, which he was just doing to be nice, yet when he put the money on the table in my room, I felt like a cheap whore....and not in a good way! I am no used to having someone pay for the toys and things, so it's a bit of a shock when it happens.

Jaybeee -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 1:10:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: barelynangel quote: Do you know what a "slippery slope" is? From the tone of the above, it's not going to be long before he starts paying for your expensive restaurant meals, for your tyres to be replaced, and before you give up whatever form of work you do and live off him Okay i am confused-- you make this sound like this is a bad thing? Serious question here. angel It was more the tone of her post, the sequence of her thoughts that convinced me that she is drifting, via her unconscious or otherwise, towards living off this man. If she's heading towards any kind of relationship with him, with any thought of what he can provide for her material needs OVER AND ABOVE what she has now - and that is indeed the vibe I got - then yes, she's a gold-digger at the fetal stage. I could be wrong, for his sake I'd LOVE to be wrong, but I'm afraid (but not afraid of the fact that) I must stand by my evaluation.

littlewonder -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 1:14:08 PM)
uumm....he wants to pay for her life, so what? Why is that such a bad thing? He's an adult and he can choose to do so or not. Not quite sure why people see this as a bad thing if someone else wants to pay for the other especially in a d/s, M/s relationship.

barelynangel -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 1:17:47 PM)
Okay maybe i am missing something but what's wrong with living off a Man? IF he enjoys keeping a woman but more importantly CAN keep her in the style he wishes her to be held, i am not getting where that is wrong. However, if he can't keep her in the style and goes broke doing so, then to me is an issue with him as the Dom/Master. angel

MissAsylum -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 1:28:23 PM)
i see nothing woong with you accepting the money for your upkeep if its something specific he wants. case in point- i'm a natural red head- in january, i bumped to colour up to a deep scarlet. it was a financial pain to maintain it. i couldnt use store bought dye due to my hair type. so i had to go to a salon to get it done. $150 a visit, 2 visits a month, on top of the 200 i already spend on my personal care monthly. i stopped going because 300 a month on my hair alone is obscene to me. my boyfriend loved the colour on me and was mortified that i stopped getting it done. when he started "suggesting" that i do it again, i told him if he wants me to have that hair colour again, he's going to have to pay for it. he didnt argue with me on it.

pahunkboy -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 1:44:40 PM)
How will he deal with her turning 40? Assuming that - that is the plan?

petmonkey -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 1:45:21 PM)
As Lockit seemed to be saying, be very clear in what form you are willing to be beholden to him in return. If either of you are not ready or not willing to accept the boundaries within both your comfort zones, then don't do it. OP, i read into your post that he's being a little bit of a pouty brat when it comes to your appearance, my apologies if that's not what i should have taken from it. In my experience those that react that way sometimes think that they can trade money for dispensing with gentlemanliness and manners. Sometimes they want to be able to denigrate you as a gold-digger and they agree to some sort of monetary compensation in order to set this sort of scenario up. If this is okay with you, have at it! i don't know you or him, maybe you'd both find a great deal of enjoyment in it. If you have trouble with criticism, like you wrote, perhaps it's not such a good idea--it might be harmful to you. Come to think of it, if you have trouble with criticism and he's consistently criticizing your appearance, a sit-down chat about this is already a good idea. Find out about where his head is at on the matter.

barelynangel -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 1:52:12 PM)
This i do agree with, if you are going to let the guy pay for your maintenance, then you have to be ready to accept his critic of same. I am also speaking of an M/s dynamic wherein his preferences take priority for me. I have been lucky however, the men who i have gotten involved with who get to this point with me of paying for things, all have the expectations of me that i completely enjoy and want to achieve. But if you think he should pay for things and not be able to critic, then you will have an issue. I also believe if he isn't going to invest in you with his own funds, he is in no place to complain. angel

KatyLied -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 3:26:03 PM)
What is wrong with living off a man? Especially if your "job" is to make his home healthy and harmonious. If you are keeping up the house, fixing meals etc, it seems a good arrangement. And even if not, if he chooses and desires to be the keeper, what is freaking problem? Especially if we are talking master/slave or D/s, it's about authority/control. Sheesh. I'm sorry but I do not understand all of the fuss about the wallet.

AquaticSub -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 3:48:32 PM)
~Fast Reply~ This bothers me. A lot. quote: He's always taking (verbal) hits on me because he feels I don't get myself done up the way he likes, This sounds like it could be emotionally abusive. Now, OP, obviously, I'm not there. I don't know. I can't know. So, in terms of your question, no I don't think you would be being a gold digger. You only afford so much and if he wants a certain look to be maintained than I see no problem with him paying for it. But it does concern me that he is taking potshots at you without offering to help and you instead had to make the deal. Perhaps I'm reading it wrong. Best of luck to you and my apologies if I am completely off-base.

DesFIP -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 4:10:08 PM)
I don't think you're off base. Several of us zeroed in on that same point. He's being deliberately hurtful and he isn't willing to help with the time or money. She's had to beg to get reimbursed, but the time spent to maintain this isn't getting compensated for. If she's spending an hour a day doing this, then that's an hour she isn't spending working out or house cleaning. He wants it all and isn't offering to help her find a way to manage it. That plus the deliberate verbal abuse raises questions of his selfishness.

AquaticSub -> RE: is it gold digging if... (12/4/2010 4:52:42 PM)
Be fair Celeste... she never said she had to beg. She said she made a deal. He's evidently willing to give her the money otherwise she wouldn't feel like a gold digger and be asking the question.

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