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Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 6:10:58 PM   
subforherMaster


Posts: 25
Joined: 7/4/2010
Status: offline 		In speaking with another submissive, the topic was raised of how to heal and make sure you are over one relationship before attempting to starting another. I agree with most everything I have read on this site about approaching an M/s or D/s relationship just as you would a vanilla or average everyday one. The question is, does anyone else find that a M/s or D/s relationship is more to difficult or time consuming to overcome when it's done? Especially if you are on the down side (having been let go or had a sub end the relationship).
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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 6:16:01 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		No. I find it exactly the same. No difference whatsoever.


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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 6:20:28 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		I found it was harder for me to heal after the end of my M/s relationship. I had an amazing relationship with my ex, we had a deep connection, and it took quite some time to let that go - longer than I want to admit. I think it was harder for me because in our relationship I was truly being myself - that inner girl inside of me that very, very few people get to see. Couple that with the intimacy that we experienced in M/s and yes, it was harder for me than any other relationship break-up I've experienced.

But this is just my experience, and I will say that the connection that I had with him seems to be rare.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 6:21:02 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		Kink doesn't really factor into it for me.  The length of time we were together and the intensity of the relationship (example: FWB vs. intended life partnership) are what affect the length of the mourning period.

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 6:25:39 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		I want to add to this - the other reason why it was harder to heal after my M/s relationship.

When he and I split up, I didn't just lose him, I lost my life. I was 24/7 his slave for almost 5 years, in his home (no outside employment), working for him, serving him, loving him, spending time with him - my world revolved around him. And when it was going on, it was...wonderful. But when he experienced his personal crisis and no longer could maintain "us," (let alone himself), he shut down and went into his inner world, and he had to let me (and many other things) go.

I can see now how he saw it as a kindness to me, but in reality it was the most horrible loss I could have experienced at the time. I lost my home, my place to serve, his heart, and my own, all at the same time - and it was pretty sudden. I can't describe what that loss feels like. And yes, I know my situation was unique...as all situations are...but it is what happened with me.

I've vowed since then to not put myself in that sort of dependent position again unless it is absolutely "right." This is probably one reason why I haven't committed to any again over the last year - and no longer see myself as a slave. But through it all I've found growth, and happiness...and life is good, once again.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 6:25:42 PM   
soul2share


Posts: 7084
Joined: 12/18/2007
From: somewhere out there.....
Status: offline 		Nope, not one bit.  Each person and relationship is different, some can heal faster than others, mainly on what steps they take.  If one sits and stews and allows themself to sink into a blue funk, then yes, it'll be hard.  I've been dumped by men who have actually reached the stage of looking at houses and dresses and tuxes one week, to *poof* gone out of sight without another word.  Did it devastate me?  Heck yeah, but I'm proud enough to not let anyone see it, especially the guy.  I let myself cry about a week, then just picked up and moved on.

Only once was I the dumper, and it was after I'd been involved w/a Dom who decided that he was going to use a hard limit as punishment.  I think what hurt me the most was the breach of trust, and his lack of ability to see it.  Again, I gave myself a week to cry and moved on.  No sense in wasting my time pining for something that isn't possible.

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 6:28:46 PM   
subforherMaster


Posts: 25
Joined: 7/4/2010
Status: offline 		I would tend to agree with UniqueRaven, thank you for wording what I could not.

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 6:51:17 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		All loss is hard, but I would disagree with the other posters. I do find it harder to sever one particular relationship, but in my case I believe if we did not have that connection, we would have severed our relationship long, long ago.

I think you can get addicted to certain things in a D/s situation that may or may not be present in a vanilla one. At least that is what a therapist told me when I questioned why it is taking so long to get over it.

Whenever there is a loss of trust and heartbreak, it is painful and in my case, I think the D/s aspect makes it that much more difficult since you know you will meet other people, but you have no idea whether you will ever attain that type of intensity again. A different type perhaps, but not the same.

It is very complicated and something I think about alot.

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 7:00:03 PM   
subforherMaster


Posts: 25
Joined: 7/4/2010
Status: offline 		at sexyred, you are certainly not the only one who thinks about these things. It can make you question if you will ever get that close to someone again. Or at least it has made me think along those lines.

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 7:00:44 PM   
Frenzyandpoise


Posts: 33
Joined: 12/21/2010
Status: offline 		Absolutely.

Because it's such a deep level of trust, honesty, communication, and bonding, you leave a larger part of yourself and ultimately take a larger part as well.

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 7:45:49 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Frenzyandpoise

Absolutely.

Because it's such a deep level of trust, honesty, communication, and bonding, you leave a larger part of yourself and ultimately take a larger part as well.


I couldn't disagree more. No relationship, by virtue of its label, is any more trusting, honest, intense etc., than any other relationship. The relationship is what the participants make it. Kink or BDSM doesn't make the relationship.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 7:59:57 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subforherMaster
The question is, does anyone else find that a M/s or D/s relationship is more to difficult or time consuming to overcome when it's done? Especially if you are on the down side (having been let go or had a sub end the relationship).


It nearly destroyed me, so I will answer yes. But I had a very long-lasting master/slave relationship in which there was a heavy transfer of control and autonomy.

Breaking up with my conventionally-sexed first husband of 12 years was certainly a dramatic mess, especially with his attempted suicide, but it still afforded me none of the profound loss, despair, and inability to function that losing my owner did. I'd say that for people who do relationships like my own, there is no comparison between the two.

But you need to be your own judge of how much you need to heal from any particular break. It depends on so many complex factors. There's no general rule about this, except in regards to yourself. For me, I can predict pretty accurately that the breaking a M/s relationship will always be extremely hard to bear.

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 8:17:21 PM   
Capndependable


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Joined: 12/11/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I've vowed since then to not put myself in that sort of dependent position again unless it is absolutely "right." This is probably one reason why I haven't committed to any again over the last year - and no longer see myself as a slave. But through it all I've found growth, and happiness...and life is good, once again.


Just my two cents for what it's worth (Probably less *grins*) Things will never EVER be absolutely right. It's like a couple saying everything has to be perfect before they have a child.. The perfect time just never seems to happen.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)
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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 8:24:37 PM   
LadyRian


Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		My breakup was devastating. And I would say that from my personal perspective, yes, the D/s dynamic was a big part of it, because in our relationship I was fully able to finally actualise an important aspect of my sexuality, which I'd tried to in vanilla relationships with absolutely no success at all. I trusted him like I'd trusted no other in my life.  And his betrayal of me destroyed the trust, completely. I'm finding it very difficult to trust again. I've been devastated by breakups before, but for me, yes, this was a  much deeper cut because, for me at least, the experiences we shared were profound. But in anything, when one discovers the other was insincere, it turns everything hollow. Lies destroy relationships, D/s or not.

edited for spelling


< Message edited by LadyRian -- 12/26/2010 8:25:40 PM >

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 8:26:40 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Capndependable

quote:

I've vowed since then to not put myself in that sort of dependent position again unless it is absolutely "right." This is probably one reason why I haven't committed to any again over the last year - and no longer see myself as a slave. But through it all I've found growth, and happiness...and life is good, once again.


Just my two cents for what it's worth (Probably less *grins*) Things will never EVER be absolutely right. It's like a couple saying everything has to be perfect before they have a child.. The perfect time just never seems to happen.



I agree. I'm still a lot more cautious these days though. And I have no need to rush into anything - life is good as it is, I'm happy being single, and things are going great. So until that time comes along again...if it ever does...I'm happy being myself, and alone, for the first time in 25+ years.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to Capndependable)
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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 8:30:20 PM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick


quote:

ORIGINAL: Frenzyandpoise

Absolutely.

Because it's such a deep level of trust, honesty, communication, and bonding, you leave a larger part of yourself and ultimately take a larger part as well.


I couldn't disagree more. No relationship, by virtue of its label, is any more trusting, honest, intense etc., than any other relationship. The relationship is what the participants make it. Kink or BDSM doesn't make the relationship.

Cali



You know, I've thought about this and thought about this. And while one part of me says "Any relationship can be close and deep," another part of me says that there is an emotional transparency and a let-down of barriers that happens in D/s relationships that IS different from any other relationship.

I think it's why we sometimes see these relationships go sideways in such grand fashion - people let their guard down and hold intimate expectations of each other. When it works, it's fabulous, when it doesn't, it's a train wreck of emotional explosion.

I'm not valuing D/s relationships as "higher" or "better" than any other - I just see that in many circumstances, D/s can be a more direct route to deeper intimacy - when it works for both parties involved.

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 12/26/2010 8:31:23 PM >

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to CalifChick)
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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 8:59:05 PM   
Frenzyandpoise


Posts: 33
Joined: 12/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick


quote:

ORIGINAL: Frenzyandpoise

Absolutely.

Because it's such a deep level of trust, honesty, communication, and bonding, you leave a larger part of yourself and ultimately take a larger part as well.


I couldn't disagree more. No relationship, by virtue of its label, is any more trusting, honest, intense etc., than any other relationship. The relationship is what the participants make it. Kink or BDSM doesn't make the relationship.

Cali



You know, I've thought about this and thought about this. And while one part of me says "Any relationship can be close and deep," another part of me says that there is an emotional transparency and a let-down of barriers that happens in D/s relationships that IS different from any other relationship.

I think it's why we sometimes see these relationships go sideways in such grand fashion - people let their guard down and hold intimate expectations of each other. When it works, it's fabulous, when it doesn't, it's a train wreck of emotional explosion.

I'm not valuing D/s relationships as "higher" or "better" than any other - I just see that in many circumstances, D/s can be a more direct route to deeper intimacy - when it works for both parties involved.


That's exactly my point UniqueRaven.

There's a certain level of vulnerability, openness and connection that a vanilla relationship, at least for me, has never been able to touch. Because there's too many typical social demands on the relationship. As well as mental combat back and forth, where they're afraid of being vulnerable, and afraid of just admitting to themselves that they need their partner.

For me, I'm not as happy as I could be in a vanilla relationship. Not because of it's label, but because of the power struggles, and emotional dishonesty with each other.

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 9:02:42 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick


quote:

ORIGINAL: Frenzyandpoise

Absolutely.

Because it's such a deep level of trust, honesty, communication, and bonding, you leave a larger part of yourself and ultimately take a larger part as well.


I couldn't disagree more. No relationship, by virtue of its label, is any more trusting, honest, intense etc., than any other relationship. The relationship is what the participants make it. Kink or BDSM doesn't make the relationship.

Cali



What Cali said

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The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 9:19:38 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick


quote:

ORIGINAL: Frenzyandpoise

Absolutely.

Because it's such a deep level of trust, honesty, communication, and bonding, you leave a larger part of yourself and ultimately take a larger part as well.


I couldn't disagree more. No relationship, by virtue of its label, is any more trusting, honest, intense etc., than any other relationship. The relationship is what the participants make it. Kink or BDSM doesn't make the relationship.

Cali



You know, I've thought about this and thought about this. And while one part of me says "Any relationship can be close and deep," another part of me says that there is an emotional transparency and a let-down of barriers that happens in D/s relationships that IS different from any other relationship.


Whilst D/s relationship is different I still disagree that because of this it is more trusting, honest, intense and so on...

If I look at a M/s couple i know, in their case they don't have dependents to look after and have a pretty good standard of living and look at families I know from a previous workplace who went together through the experience of having unexpectedly (only as an example) to readjust their life due to their child having a severe disability (at times they have more than one disabled child to look after) I can't see why D/s is more emotional, trusting or whatever...or another example a woman I know who is paralised neck down since a car accident many years ago and has care staff coming in to help her in the morning and evening...do you think that it would be harder to get over an ended D/s relationship than it would be for her, if in her case the relationship would end? In the families I know a lot is going on with dealing with grief about living life different than it was planned, trying to get the help they need (financially and in regards to respite as example, where they often get way less than they do need) and it is intense at times for couples when they are trying to readjust, to trust that the partner is not leaving due to the situation becoming too much, etc.

Maybe its difficult to understand what I am trying to say as it is difficult for me to put it into words, however whilst Ds is different, it does not mean that because of the Ds aspect in that relationship the relationship involves more trust etc then any other relationship can experience.

If I would enter a D/s relationship right now I dont think that it would necessarily mean to me that it would be more intense than the one I had with my ex (whom I mentioned often in the past sometimes). My ex isn't a Dom as such (though it is clear who makes the decisions what we are going to do when we meet *lol*). However, he went with me through a lot in the last 5 years and it would require someone very special indeed, that it would be harder for me to split up than it was with my ex as it was a heck of a lot where he helped me stuff to sort out and to get over with due to events which happened at that time.

There simply are way more factors out there in life than just Ds which can bring a couple incredibly close and so for me there is no difference between Ds or vanilla relationship break ups.

< Message edited by Phoenixpower -- 12/26/2010 9:25:49 PM >

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to UniqueRaven)
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RE: Does the "Lifestyle" make healing harder? - 12/26/2010 9:31:20 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick


quote:

ORIGINAL: Frenzyandpoise

Absolutely.

Because it's such a deep level of trust, honesty, communication, and bonding, you leave a larger part of yourself and ultimately take a larger part as well.


I couldn't disagree more. No relationship, by virtue of its label, is any more trusting, honest, intense etc., than any other relationship. The relationship is what the participants make it. Kink or BDSM doesn't make the relationship.

Cali



You know, I've thought about this and thought about this. And while one part of me says "Any relationship can be close and deep," another part of me says that there is an emotional transparency and a let-down of barriers that happens in D/s relationships that IS different from any other relationship.

I think it's why we sometimes see these relationships go sideways in such grand fashion - people let their guard down and hold intimate expectations of each other. When it works, it's fabulous, when it doesn't, it's a train wreck of emotional explosion.

I'm not valuing D/s relationships as "higher" or "better" than any other - I just see that in many circumstances, D/s can be a more direct route to deeper intimacy - when it works for both parties involved.


I think this is what some here are having an issue with; thinking that because we feel it might be more difficult to get over a D/s relationship for some reason we are devaluing other types of relationships. I am still mystified why some people are so upset with this concept.

It is something that LadyRian said about being able to open up a part of you that was dormant and then having that been betrayed; sorry peeps, but I agree with her that that hurts more.

I loved my ex husband and when I divorced him it was sad but not as bad as my current break up. Why? I loved both men but the first I did not have that level of intensity that our shared dyanmic brought that I did in the second. So the second is harder than the first.

(in reply to UniqueRaven)
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