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A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 11:46:40 AM   
sir1969


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/19/2008
Status: offline 		Sorry if this is in the wrong location but need a little input.

A local couple we recently met via another site began sending little "hello" text messages to my wife/sub.  She jumped the gun a little giving out her cell phone # to exchange messages.  No problem.  In some ways a little inappropriate that they (the husband in particular) continually message her but it led to a nice dinner at a local restaurant the other night and it was fine.  Everyone enjoyed themselves.  We sat for 2 hours chatting if that is any indication. 
Then a couple more messages, simple hello's and such.  Keep in mind we laid out our boundaries with them before the dinner.  Thought they understood that not only were we not interested in swinging or such, Important communication would be through me as I am her Dom. 
Then last night she gets this message

"Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears... Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt... Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your stress... Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile... But try masturbating in Walmart parking lot one fucking time see how much fucking attention you get. Can you pick me up from the police station? I L-O-V-E Y-O-U!!!!"
Also keep in mind, please, that until this morning, we did not know the beginning part of this is some twisted internet joke.
Regardless, this seems extraordinarily inappropriate on multiple levels.First, we hardly know them.  One good dinner conversation does not mean you know someone.Second, sending this to my sub - there are some lines they've crossed here that they really don't seem to understand.Third, considering our lifestyle and that half the things we do are still looked apon by the legal system as abuse - wow.Forth, - well, I'll just stop here for now.
My wife was really shaken a bit when she got that message.  She came to me saying "We may have a problem..."
So we messaged them back saying "We are not sure how to interpret this.  WTF?"
And their response was a simple "Just a joke someone sent me.  So how does Thursday night sound?"
Again, we've only exchanged a few messages and sat for a 2 hour dinner.
The big question:  Am I wrong in thinking that this couple simply doesn't understand things like boundaries and what may constitute appropriate behavior?  They, in my mind, have crossed a line way early in getting to know them.  What lines would be crossed down the road?  My thought is that its time to end things with them.  Am I over-reacting?



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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 11:56:57 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		"Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears... Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt... Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your stress... Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile... But try masturbating in Walmart parking lot one fucking time see how much fucking attention you get. Can you pick me up from the police station? I L-O-V-E Y-O-U!!!!"

Its one of those stupid random jokes that gets texted around from phone to phone. I think you are reading a bit too much into this. Having said that, since you do seem to be reading too much into this, the dinners should stop. Master would not have taken this as something to worry about... would have laughed along with me. But we have many friends in the lifestyle... and out of it.

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 11:57:24 AM   
sir1969


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/19/2008
Status: offline 		  My questions may not be necessary anyway.
My wife texted them with this before going to bed last night.
"Kind of creeped out actually. Not funny particularly this early in getting to know each other. Police and sexaul misconduct charges equal not funny..."

And their response this morning (after typing my info above) was this,

"Well after thinking about everything you said last night. No worries, this will be our last contact. We thought we could make some good friends here in town to talk to and enjoy company. We wanted nothing from you other than friendship. Obviously if a simple joke can offend you that much we aren't compatible.  Out of 18 people you were the only ones to be offended. For that we apologize, we would love to be friends but we aren't willing to walk on eggshells, worried if we offend someone. It was truly a pleasure meeting both of you and we wish you well."
Can't say we were ever offended - just really fucking creeped out and a little pissed off (at least me).  So apparently we just simply cannot take a joke - my bad.  Still, I have to think they are oblivious to boundaries and at least what I would consider inappropriate behavior.  Am I alone in this?  I mean, we really don't know them at all and that was the "joke" they text my wife/sub!



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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 12:00:41 PM   
sir1969


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/19/2008
Status: offline 		Again, tazzygirl, you apparently had seen the joke by your response.  To us it was seriously creepy stalker type crap.
I am certainly not easily offended nor is my wife/sub.  But a text message like that, late at night, out of the blue?


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 12:00:56 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
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Status: offline 		A rabbi, a farmer and an octopus walk into a bar.......... 

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 12:12:35 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Sir1969, I can see where you're coming from. It sounds like the only one he is joking with, contacting, etc. is your wife. She did give him the number and that may be the only way he can contact you to send a joke, so this takes away from the fact that he is only contacting her. Some people have no problem or see no problem in being instant friends that can joke like that and in some situations I would think it okay and have joked myself... BUT... not with someone that has already made it clear that all contact must happen within their comfort zone or boundaries by contacting the dominant with all communications. The problem here is you can't hold another accountable for your boundaries when your wife went against them in the first place and gave him permission to contact her by phone.

You have a two fold problem here and you can't just blame one party. Make your rules of conduct clear to your wife, with no exceptions, using this situation as an example and in the future, you will have a leg to stand on. At the moment, you don't have one even if I would agree, he was tasteless in one aspect, he was given permission to make contact by having the number. When things are clear between you and your wife, this won't happen just like this and it will be more clear if someone is out of line. You can't send mixed messages and then expect someone to understand it all.

You might admit you did send a mix message as a couple... they may not be that bad... after all you did enjoy two hours chatting with them. Showing you can take part of the blame as dominant in your relationship with your wife... and admit there was confusion because of it, would be an honorable thing to do and might lead to a better local relationship with them or anyone they might share this with.


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 12:13:20 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Possibly a tad inappropriate on their part due to the newness of the relationship and not knowing each other well enough to know how to take things.  Mostly, an overreaction on your part as, if that got sent to me even by an acquaintence, I'd be laughing like a fool in the middle of said Walmart.  Unilateral communication is the only issue I see and could have been handled better by all parties involved. 

lovingpet




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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 12:26:35 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		OK.  It wasn't necessarily in good taste on his part, but I want you to see the mixed signals going here.

You laid the boundaries.  Your wife gave over her cell phone number anyway.

You didn't enforce boundaries, as this wasn't the first text message that was received, and I'm led to believe that your wife replied.  (Meaning the mixed signals continued.)

You could have prevented this, had you picked up your cell phone and said, "this is our number for contact".  (With your cell number being given as the Dominant.)

So, part him, part her, and part you.  I wouldn't have appreciated that text either, but it's a joke that was in bad taste.  Not the "creepy" that you're making it out to be.


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 12/28/2010 12:29:16 PM >

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 12:36:55 PM   
sir1969


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/19/2008
Status: offline 		You are all absolutely right about the mixed signals I've allowed to be sent and that will be corrected.  Thank you.

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 12:38:53 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Just another reason among a million reasons I hate texting with new people. It is very hard to figure out intent and tone via email and it is very subject to interpretation.

I think it was stupid of the other couple to send that, joke or not. It's just in bad taste, sorry.

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 12:40:31 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Pretty much what LadyPact said. A dumb joke in poor taste, not creepy, and lots of unenforced boundaries. Next time, take control (as much as you are able, anyway) and be the contact person. Some people are more forward than we might prefer but it's up to us (or whomever is leading the relationship) to remain within our own workable boundaries. And sometimes we're just not compatible with potential friends. Chalk it up to a life lesson.

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 12:46:40 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I would like to meet them! They seem like they have a wacked sense of humor bubbling up from within. I did not find that inappropriate or even remotely creepy. But if you did, then these people are not for you. Good that you both saw that quickly and backed away.

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 12:49:33 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		I would despise getting that text! Not funny! But then, I'm the sort of person that if I get an urban legend, I'll send the link from snopes.com not only to the person who wrote me, but everyone on their cc list, and if particularly egregious, all the previous forwarders.

It sounds like the other couple has boundary issues so just as well it has ended. Like other posters said, now is a good opportunity to discuss boundaries w your sub.

KK

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 1:25:34 PM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sir1969

The big question:  Am I wrong in thinking that this couple simply doesn't understand things like boundaries and what may constitute appropriate behavior?  They, in my mind, have crossed a line way early in getting to know them.  What lines would be crossed down the road?  My thought is that its time to end things with them.  Am I over-reacting?


Some people pretend to understand boundaries only to gain access to what they know is none of their business. Others will mutually understand and respect boundaries that are communicated one to another and not intrude where they are not allowed. Then there are those who at times hide behind a pretense due to their inabiltiy to be responsible and genuine. Surely there will always be those people who are insincere, disrespectful, selfish and seeking only that which is for their gain without mutuality exchanged. On the brighter side there are people who intend NO harm and are simply unaware of boundaries, but after some discussion about boundaries they can and do demonstrate sincere respect that is noteworthy and of value.

Clearly your instincts are always something you must trust for yourself, without others telling you what is best for your and yours. However do know that I am of the thought that you are NOT over-reacting in regards to what you find tactless. You are correct to proceed with caution if that is what works for you regarding anyone who behaves in a manner as you illustrated these folks to have conducted themselves.

For myself and My Household, I am of the thought to err on the side of caution as opposed to allowing total strangers to gain access to that which is none of their business. Trust building is not always the same for everyone. Once a communicated boundary is willfully forged past by another it is a total deal breaker. Joke, not hardly!

Take care..

< Message edited by Zevar -- 12/28/2010 1:30:51 PM >

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 1:59:21 PM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline 		Did this couple have one cell phone number for the both of you? If so, I can easily see them thinking that that was the preferred method of contact. And I really don't see the harm in sending a joke even to a sub. Now if he was asking for a date with her alone, it'd be a different matter, but a silly joke? Nah. That one wouldn't even make me blink. But if this is something that gets you going, best to go ahead and find out now.
We did have a couple who irritated me a bit. My other half would contact the man, leave a voicemail, and the wife was always the one calling him back. Just weirded me out. So we quit talking to them. No harm, no foul, just a difference in comfort levels.

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 2:02:57 PM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		I just think you over-reacted.. they txted back and said.. "basically, we aren't gonna get in touch with you anymore ".. my $.02

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 3:04:07 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		My take? I wouldn't have cared one bit about the fact that they were communicating primarily with Carol. Had I in fact only wanted them to communicate with me, then my ire would've been with Carol not with them.

However, the text message would've solicited a similar response in me. Joke or not, no friend of mine would've sent it. I don't see it as a right or wrong thing. I agree with them -- incompatible.

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 3:08:45 PM   
Prinsexx


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Status: offline 		T mobile text me all the time.
But about once a week I simply delere all my messages
so there's no chance of a relationship with my mobile provider...
your delete button is your real friend.
Trust me.


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 3:23:16 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You met them on a (presumably) non-kink site.  So they very likely do not understand D/s.  Then they sent a stupid joke to your wife via text and didn't think much of doing so.

You seem to think that this is an important message that should have gone through you.  I think it's spam that shouldn't have gone anywhere.

If you want to lay out the ground rules, feel free.  But don't expect vanillas to get it all right the first time while you remain aloof.  You'll have to actively work to get them to understand.

Or you can simply work with prople who understand D/s and boundaries.




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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 3:26:54 PM   
ThePeripatetic


Posts: 139
Joined: 12/21/2010
Status: offline 		sir1969.... I think your reaction and your response are entirely justified! I had never seen that joke either and it does come across as creepy if you don't know that it's a viral message. You guys had had one dinner with them so yeah, I think it's a bit early for something like that. Granted it's kind of a grey area as to when you can say you're far enough into a friendship to start texting masturbation jokes but, in my opinion, that was too early in your case. Not to mention their "apology" was seemingly sent out of spite to make you feel like shit... not cool!

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