angeldmort
Posts: 54
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline
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**pulls out the soapbox**
"So we messaged them back saying "We are not sure how to interpret this. WTF?" Expressing uncertainty, and some discomfort with it. Direct, honest, considered as opposed to just fired off.
"Just a joke someone sent me. So how does Thursday night sound?" Hmmm… she says "WTF" and they blow it off and then ask for another date?
Nah...that's not creepy at all… if I weird you out, I absolutely expect you'll wanna commit to hanging out again right NOW!
"Kind of creeped out actually. Not funny particularly this early in getting to know each other. Police and sexaul misconduct charges equal not funny..."
RE-stating the discomfort more directly, attempting to clarify communication, since the first time didn't take. Stating your feelings, and even reasons for them (which shouldn't be necessary) but careful not to get personal or attack. Not "you are creepy" or "you aren't funny."
"…. No worries, this will be our last contact. .... Obviously if a simple joke can offend you that much we aren't compatible. Out of 18 people you were the only ones to be offended. ... we would love to be friends but we aren't willing to walk on eggshells, worried if we offend someone…. It was truly a pleasure meeting both of you and we wish you well."
Lots of "you" statements there. All focusing on how you guys failed, when they sent the message that offended and then pushed harder. Making real point of how THEY don't want YOU because YOU are so not as cool as everyone else they sent it to. (Obviously they don't need you if they have 17 other people who are so cool... their calendar should be full Thursday night!) So why write back at all? Just to rub it in your face? Just to make you feel bad? To get the last word? Or the last paragraph... about how you get offended too easily? (That's called "deflection", btw.)
So she re-sets a boundary by saying it bothered her/you and they turn it into a character flaw on her/your part, and give you a guilt trip. That's called "pathologizing." It's an attack. It actually falls under the umbrella of verbal abuse and is a common tool of the borderline personality and sociopaths and narcissists, etc. Read "The Gift Of Fear" or "The Sociopath Next Door" or any number of other books on the topic - they all describe exactly what you experienced. Little things, always a little here, a little there, until you try to say "no." Then they show the real them.
Yes, your wife slipped up. Yes, maybe you did over-react. On the surface, from just the basic he said/she said, it could look that way. It would also look like yes, they were hitting on your woman, not good at picking up clues, and not very respectful of your relationship, etc etc. You may also have been responding to undercurrents that you recognized but couldn't put your finger on. It's a very common symptom of dealing with unhealthy people. Ya know, the kind that roll over proper etiquette for meeting a COUPLE for friendship -like including both parties, and accepting that others may not share our humor, and not pushing for more contact when they are told the current contact isn't going well or turning that rejection around to attack the rejecters, and going on to make it a personal failing that you didn't like the joke (because OTHER people liked it so you must be weird!), and making a big deal out of how THEY are dumping YOU and .. and… and….
I mean, if they feel that way, why not just stop texting you and forget you?
If you feel a way about a situation, trust your body. It was telling you something early on, and you ignored it. You tried to work it around in your head that maybe you were wrong about it, because that's what we are programmed to do, and that's why really bad situations can happen so fast- we don't want to be "assholes" or be considered rude, so we feel we have to justify not giving someone else what they want, even if it's not what we ourselves want or feel good about. Now you are on a web board trying to get validation for feeling that way in the first place and justify it to yourself for trying to enforce a boundary. Why would you feel that bad about it? Maybe because they went so far out of their way to try to convince you that you should? People that object when you say "No" are trying to control and manipulate you. "What lines would be crossed down the road? " Dead on. Well, actually, dead is exactly how it ends up for people (usually women) who ignore that feeling and are too insecure to set and enforce boundaries. You have experienced a learning situation. It's amazing how many books I had to read to learn this lesson. I hope you use it sooner than I did.
Good luck. They are just a drop in the bucket.
< Message edited by angeldmort -- 12/31/2010 1:17:58 AM >
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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 
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