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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 3:34:21 PM   
DaddysInkedSlut


Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		What I think is inappropriate is your wife stepping outside your boundaries knowingly.

What I think is inapproriate is how you hold the man and his wife responsible for your wife stepping outside of your boundaries.

What I think is inappropriate even a little creepy is your assumptions that they wanted to swing/swap after with you simply because they were communicating with your wife. (basically saying hello according to you)

What I think is inapproriate is how you reacted to the joke or over reacted to it.

What I think is a little sad, is you probably will not own up and apologize to this couple for the part you and your wife took in the misunderstanding.



< Message edited by DaddysInkedSlut -- 12/28/2010 3:35:12 PM >

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 3:49:13 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline 		As is usually the case in threads like this there is not nearly enough info about the situation to offer viable opinion. That usually does not occur until at least page 3-5 in these types of threads and we're only on page one here. You mention that boundaries have been laid out but no basic details about such boundaries. What is the nature of your prospective relationship with these folks? Just friends? If is it a "just making new friends" arrangement why are any real boundaries required? You say "Important communication would be through me as I am her Dom." which might imply something eventually happening beyond just friends. Sorry for all of the questions but it is not really clear why you met these folks in the first place.

Beyond that it does sound like you over reacted a little or at the very least you and yours are not on the same wavelength as this other couple. LadyPact summed up the high points pretty well. Their morning after text makes a fair bit of sense to me. A parting of ways might not be such a bad idea.


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 4:37:24 PM   
petmonkey


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Status: offline 		What The Peripatetic said.   And, like others have said, it's an excellent opportunity to discuss this experience with your sub.


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 5:51:07 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I wouldn't have recognized it as a joke either. And since it was two male dom/femsub couples, I think he should not have texted her privately but should have sent it to you. The fact that he's trying to get conversations going with her, cutting you out, is inappropriate. I would suggest you not let her give her number out in the future as this is what you'll get.

Mind, I'm not blaming her. She probably meant to make friends only. Unfortunately she doesn't recognize when someone's coming on to her. I don't either, and The Man, knowing that I'm this oblivious, has set up guidelines for contact to prevent creeps trying to come on to me in the future.

It's not the joke that's creepy, it's cutting you out of the loop. And cutting his sub out as well. And I'd bet dollars to donuts that if she continued talking to him privately, within two days he would have tried talking her into meeting him and playing while neither his sub nor you knew about it.


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 6:11:10 PM   
VaguelyCurious


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

And since it was two male dom/femsub couples, I think he should not have texted her privately but should have sent it to you.

...really? You don't ever get texted by the male half of any couples the two of you are friends with?

Maybe I'm just not used to thinking of friend-level interaction in such a gendered way, but that seems kind of...I don't know, distrusting of men in general(?)


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 6:28:13 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I think you both missed boundary lines.

Your sub gave out her cell after only one 2 hour meeting to complete strangers and they took advantage of that and don't realize that it takes more than one meeting to really get to know someone and should have only used that number to set up meeting with you both again.

I personally have never seen that text viral and personally would have been a little weirded out by it and would be wondering why they're wanting ME to bail them out of jail. I also would have called them back the first time they texted me and told them I did not appreciate my number being used for silly, stupid viral text messages but then again I would not be giving out my number to strangers. I rarely give out my number to anyone at all especiallly people I meet from online. I would also find it rude and inconsiderate of the male half of the other couple texting me as if he's trying to get a piece of ass away from my Master and I would be sure to make him aware that I am not a swinger nor am I interested in straying from my partner.

It sounds to me like you made a good choice to cut all contact since it doesn't sound like a compatible friendship and I would leave it at that.


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 6:40:14 PM   
DMFParadox


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Status: offline 		I've learned to tolerate such asinine joke texts since, despite extensive frothing at the mouth (or maybe because I froth so entertainingly) I keep getting the damned things.

Also "send this on to see how many people think ur hot!" ...FROTHY FROTH FROTHHHHHH


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 7:08:39 PM   
OsideGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
You laid the boundaries.  Your wife gave over her cell phone number anyway.

You didn't enforce boundaries, as this wasn't the first text message that was received, and I'm led to believe that your wife replied.  (Meaning the mixed signals continued.)

You could have prevented this, had you picked up your cell phone and said, "this is our number for contact".  (With your cell number being given as the Dominant.)

I agree with LP and will go one further. When dealing with kinky people (that I'm unfamiliar with) with an intent to engage in kinky behavior, I wouldn't even consider giving them my number as the point of contact. And if they contacted me they would be referred to Master with a statement that everything goes through him. If they continued to contact me, they would be shut down.

I think this goes onto your sub for giving out her number, and then continuing to respond after you set boundries. It also goes to you for not enforcing those boundries.

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 7:38:12 PM   
agirl


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Status: offline 		I find that some people get a little too familiar for my comfort level and can misread social friendliness. So much *social* stuff is done via text, Facebook etc and you find you're being *friended* even when you only have the most tenuous link.

People often assume that you are as *into it* in the same way they are....and throw XXX's about like confetti, sign off with *love you* based on the fact that you simply *know* them from somewhere.

It's all too familiar, too *friendly* for ME......hence I come across as chilly. Over-familiarity isn't frowned upon anything like as much as holding people at arms length is, in this way......lol

Your social boundaries differ from theirs, you'd likely not send jokey texts after meeting people for the first time ...... I wouldn't either......but when you look at the bigger picture.. they seem unlikely to have been deliberately trying to offend you or piss you off. They made a a bit of a faux pas with the pair of you because they don't know you very well. It was a little bit of silliness to them, but didn't go down well with you.

"Kind of creeped out actually. Not funny particularly this early in getting to know each other. Police and sexaul misconduct charges equal not funny...."

There's the possibility that they thought you two were over-reacting horribly to something inane and harmless from THEIR perspective.

agirl







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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 7:53:03 PM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
...really? You don't ever get texted by the male half of any couples the two of you are friends with?

Maybe I'm just not used to thinking of friend-level interaction in such a gendered way, but that seems kind of...I don't know, distrusting of men in general(?)


It's not the gender things so much as the authority and/or protocol thing.  Most people will respect the way these things are set up in a household, even if they don't follow the same kinds of protocols themselves. 

Kind of convenient for Me, since I'm the one who handles the social calendar anyway, but the majority of the time, I'm doing that with whichever gender is the one who has the authority in the relationship.  The times that I don't is when I've got prior knowledge from the D of the household that there's no issue with Me contacting the s directly.


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/28/2010 10:34:58 PM   
sir1969


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Status: offline 		Thank you all for your great input.  You've helped me see where I have made mistakes and they are being corrected.

It is very interesting to see such a split between "it was just a simple joke and you are over reacting" and "what they did was inappropriate and creepy".

I guess it is really a matter of outlook on life and this lifestyle.  We had a great dinner with them but I think that our outlooks are very different.  Enough so that it is best that we do not pursue this friendship.

For those who were asking, they did mention early on that they were looking for two things:  couples to take to bed with them, and friends that they could share their experiences with.
We were simply looking for friends in the lifestyle, hence setting boundaries early on - things they stated they fully understood.  My own fault for not reinforcing those boundaries - after our dinner I thought it was understood.  I was wrong.

Lesson learned.

Again, thanks all for your input.



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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/29/2010 12:35:03 AM   
SexyBossyBBW


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Status: offline 		I've never seen that joke before either, and I would be a little freaked out, if someone texted that to me...   Whatever you feel, is appropriate, and your boundaries are your own.    I wouldn't consider these two lifelong friends, just because of a few chats, and a two hour meeting/meal.  

I would probably ask them to lose my/wife's number, after receiving that text.    While I'm an open book to my family, and a few friends, a text like that would have me worrying and calling the police station.   Without getting to know a friend's sense of humor, I wouldn't text something that may be off-putting to him/her.   I do think boundaries were crossed, but it's your relationship, and can you put this Ginny back in the bottle?      M

P.S.   I should have just read agirl
quote:

I find that some people get a little too familiar for my comfort level and can misread social friendliness. So much *social* stuff is done via text, Facebook etc and you find you're being *friended* even when you only have the most tenuous link.

People often assume that you are as *into it* in the same way they are....and throw XXX's
and simply said ditto! 


< Message edited by SexyBossyBBW -- 12/29/2010 12:39:29 AM >

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/29/2010 5:00:27 AM   
VaguelyCurious


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

It's not the gender things so much as the authority and/or protocol thing.

I'd point out that Des specifically went out of her way to list the genders involved in the dynami-that's what I was reacting to, really.

quote:


Kind of convenient for Me, since I'm the one who handles the social calendar anyway, but the majority of the time, I'm doing that with whichever gender is the one who has the authority in the relationship.  The times that I don't is when I've got prior knowledge from the D of the household that there's no issue with Me contacting the s directly.

We've had this argument before, Lady P, and I think we had to agree to disagree last time. I know you'd be the first to admit that you guys have a higher protocol dynamic than most people () and I think this is one of the places where your behaviour differs from most people.

I assume unless told otherwise that if one person in a relationship (vanilla, equal, D/s OR M/s) gives me their phone number, then that's the person I should contact, because that's probably the person who knows what's going on. (I am rarely that person in my own relationships-calendars are not happy places for me.)

That means I wouldn't violate your protocol, because I doubt clip would give me his number without some kind of discussion with one of you about appropriate contact, but it also allows for not inconveniencing the D-type in other, more relaxed relationships (and also not having to deal with the vague 'I have no idea what we're doing next thursday' people like myself ).


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/29/2010 5:45:41 AM   
Prinsexx


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sir1969

Sorry if this is in the wrong location but need a little input.

A local couple we recently met via another site began sending little "hello" text messages to my wife/sub.  She jumped the gun a little giving out her cell phone # to exchange messages.  No problem. 


This is where it all began. The rest of it is just heresay and nonsense.
And I don't agree that it wasn't a problem: as it obviously is.
That 'she jumped the gun a little' is where, in my opinion, it all falls down.
First of all it's impossible to jump a gun a little...that is the irony of the metaphore. She either broke from a protocol you imposed, or you, as the dominant, failed to impose the protocol.
From the information you are giving I judge the problem to reside with you and not a text message.



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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/29/2010 7:36:37 AM   
AquaticSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sir1969

"Well after thinking about everything you said last night. No worries, this will be our last contact. We thought we could make some good friends here in town to talk to and enjoy company. We wanted nothing from you other than friendship. Obviously if a simple joke can offend you that much we aren't compatible.  Out of 18 people you were the only ones to be offended. For that we apologize, we would love to be friends but we aren't willing to walk on eggshells, worried if we offend someone. It was truly a pleasure meeting both of you and we wish you well."
Can't say we were ever offended - just really fucking creeped out and a little pissed off (at least me).  So apparently we just simply cannot take a joke - my bad.  Still, I have to think they are oblivious to boundaries and at least what I would consider inappropriate behavior.  Am I alone in this?  I mean, we really don't know them at all and that was the "joke" they text my wife/sub!





Were your boundaries that they couldn't send you a joke?

Seriously - they didn't hit on her. They texted her a chain joke. If you didn't think it was funny, that's one thing but relax and accept the apology

ETA - I think the issue is more that you didn't stick to the boundaries. If guns were jumped and you had an issue with the dominant texting her, why didn't you say something in the beginning? In my humble opinion, it feels like you are latching onto this as an excuse.


< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 12/29/2010 7:38:32 AM >

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/29/2010 8:35:05 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
I'd point out that Des specifically went out of her way to list the genders involved in the dynami-that's what I was reacting to, really.

We've had this argument before, Lady P, and I think we had to agree to disagree last time. I know you'd be the first to admit that you guys have a higher protocol dynamic than most people () and I think this is one of the places where your behaviour differs from most people.

I assume unless told otherwise that if one person in a relationship (vanilla, equal, D/s OR M/s) gives me their phone number, then that's the person I should contact, because that's probably the person who knows what's going on. (I am rarely that person in my own relationships-calendars are not happy places for me.)

That means I wouldn't violate your protocol, because I doubt clip would give me his number without some kind of discussion with one of you about appropriate contact, but it also allows for not inconveniencing the D-type in other, more relaxed relationships (and also not having to deal with the vague 'I have no idea what we're doing next thursday' people like myself ).

We're not disagreeing here at all, as you'd be completely right.

That's why I said earlier that the other couple wasn't entirely responsible for the whole thing going south.  If I say I'm the contact person, but clip gives his number, that causes confusion right there.  We're saying one thing, but doing another.

You're not the only D type out there that doesn't do the social scheduling.  Still, an inconvenience to you (this is saying I don't know which of you as a couple handles social things) by Me calling you up to say we had a great time at dinner, would you like to go again next week, is better than offending you.  If you want to say that your partner handles such things and to call them, we're all on the same page from that point.

Until I know, the safer road is always to go with the more formal protocol.


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/29/2010 10:39:49 AM   
FirmhandKY


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyBossyBBW

I've never seen that joke before either, and I would be a little freaked out, if someone texted that to me...   Whatever you feel, is appropriate, and your boundaries are your own.    I wouldn't consider these two lifelong friends, just because of a few chats, and a two hour meeting/meal.  

I would probably ask them to lose my/wife's number, after receiving that text.    While I'm an open book to my family, and a few friends, a text like that would have me worrying and calling the police station.   Without getting to know a friend's sense of humor, I wouldn't text something that may be off-putting to him/her.   I do think boundaries were crossed, but it's your relationship, and can you put this Ginny back in the bottle?      M

P.S.   I should have just read agirl
quote:

I find that some people get a little too familiar for my comfort level and can misread social friendliness. So much *social* stuff is done via text, Facebook etc and you find you're being *friended* even when you only have the most tenuous link.

People often assume that you are as *into it* in the same way they are....and throw XXX's
and simply said ditto! 


Double ditto.

I find the entire question of "kinky" or not relationship, and whether or not the OP "set correct limits" or whether or not the OP has a "tight enough" rein on his sub all immaterial, and besides the point.

I find that the other couple were inappropriately familiar and taking things for granted that were not yet solidified.

When searching for friends of any type, I personally try to be very, very circumspect and respectful of others, especially if they are a couple, especially until we have built up a bit of shared experiences and understandings.

It's good manners, nothing more and nothing less.

I suspect that I would get along with the OP quite well, based on what little, and how he has posted, and I would also cut off ties with the prospective "friends" as people who did not understand normal "vanilla" boundaries, much less the more stringent and minefield laden "kink" boundaries.

$0.02

Firm


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/29/2010 10:54:26 AM   
Phoenixpower


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst
these people are not for you. Good that you both saw that quickly and backed away.


what she said.

I gave my mobile number last year to a guy with whom I am in touch via casual email since years and was about to meet him for a drink...however, he made the mistake and dared to question me straight away why I changed my phone number (he had one from me in 2007 where we were previously in contact) which did then put me off to even bother to meet him in person, as after all I am not in a relationship with him, never met him in person until today so he has no need to question me about having a different number now. Soon later I got a different number again due to a new contract and I was glad again about being rid of contact from him via phone. I consider it as quite handy to realise yellow and red flags before wasting to much time with people for which I am not made obviously.

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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/29/2010 11:16:59 AM   
lovingpet


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SexyBossyBBW

Without getting to know a friend's sense of humor, I wouldn't text something that may be off-putting to him/her.



This.

While I said earlier that I would likely laugh at this joke, there is a reason and it has bugged me somewhere in the back of my mind to have not had a good way/reason to explain it before.  First of all, I wouldn't be worrying about if I need to check police stations, because my friends and family that would be sending me such a thing would NEVER be in that situation for real (not to mention, how many people sitting in jail have you heard of sending texts and emails in the first place?).  If they were the sort to actually do that kind of crap, I would be staying far FAR away.  Also, some jokes, funny or not in and of themselves, just strikes you as just something that reminds you of the person who sent it in some kind of fond way.  I didn't like some of the silly, goofy stuff my grandpa sent me (nothing dirty about them at all of course, just not my humor), but it made me smile and laugh in spite of myself because it was so him.  I got his humor and appreciated it only insomuch as it let me have a moment of closeness to him.  People don't share this right off the bat.  Some people will never share certain aspects of us because it just isn't appreciated.  Some people will know us, warts and all, and love us anyway and more so for knowing us so well.

I am pretty hard to offend.  This joke is a puff of smoke in the grand scheme of life.  To me, it just isn't worth the consternation.  There are things that are worthy of such energy, but they are few and far between.  They are certainly a far cry from some stupid joke someone sent me on my cell.  The fact that someone took the time and energy and used technology to do so says more about our entire society than any other single statement.

lovingpet


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RE: A joke? Didn't come across that way. - 12/29/2010 4:40:28 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

It's not the gender things so much as the authority and/or protocol thing.

I'd point out that Des specifically went out of her way to list the genders involved in the dynamic-that's what I was reacting to, really.




Yes, I did. Perhaps I should have been more specific. Two heterosexual couples where both males are the authority figures in their relationship. I do think it inappropriate for a man who had already said he wanted to have sex with the op's sub to ignore talking to him, and send sexually suggestive 'jokes' to a woman he wants to have sex with when he's already been told that she isn't available..

If they really wanted to be just friends it would have been more appropriate for the women to talk between themselves. And for the men to contact each other. Not for a sexually aggressive man who has stated upfront that he wants to bed the other woman to send such a text to. And then of course, when he was slapped down for it, he whined that it was just a joke and why doesn't the op have a sense of humor.

This kind of thing appears in our inboxes here on a frequent basis, someone saying he wants to be friends and then being sexually inappropriate. The fact that it happened after one r/l meet doesn't change it.


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