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Play with others - 12/28/2010 12:18:10 PM   
Contesa


Posts: 12
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline 		I was recently asked a question by a very close friend and unfortunately was unable to provide an answer because I didn't want to get involved in their relationship.

I would however like to ask the question here and see others opinions.

What do you do when your Sir/Master wants to play with everyone else, but you. You go to clubs/parties and he plays with other people and leaves you sitting there. Then he begins having intimate conversations on line with the people he's played with.  There is also no play going on at home. 

Is this a clear message that he's sending.


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RE: Play with others - 12/28/2010 12:40:43 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		This is a joke question, right?

(in reply to Contesa)
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RE: Play with others - 12/28/2010 12:49:33 PM   
Contesa


Posts: 12
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline 		I wish it was. 

(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: Play with others - 12/28/2010 12:52:22 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Umm.. he is playing and initiating contact with others for play and not playing with his current submissive at parties or a home... he is not into her. Looking for change, looking for passion, looking to hook up, and keep a helpmate at home for labor. Maybe he is hoping she hooks up with someone at a party so he can pawn her off..
Doesn't sound good to me.

(in reply to Contesa)
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RE: Play with others - 12/28/2010 12:54:32 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		To answer seriously (I thought the answer was obvious by what you wrote), he is not into her from a playing/intimacy standpoint.

Are they married? How long together? Lots of missing info to provide any more of a blunt answer than he is just not that into her for those activities.

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: Play with others - 12/28/2010 1:35:39 PM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline 		Looks like a clear message to me.
Has she talked to him?

(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: Play with others - 12/28/2010 1:41:39 PM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Contesa

Is this a clear message that he's sending?



I'm not big on subliminal messages, or mind-reading, or making assumptions.  I find that usually I am way off base so I don't generally do it.

In this situation, if I were the woman at home, I would be looking at how I can change my behaviour in order to affect change.  Is there something that I am doing that makes me unattractive?  Do I have poor personal hygiene, I am acting more like his mother than his lover, am I being passive aggressive, am I exerting control or disrespecting him in some way, etc?  I can't change him, or anyone else, I can only change myself.

It is all very easy to judge the actions of others and take no personal responsibility... but it is very foolish.  If you look at this situation with a very logical viewpoint, there are two people in the main relationship, they are interacting and feeding off each other.  They will inspire both wanted and unwanted behaviour. 

(in reply to Contesa)
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RE: Play with others - 12/28/2010 5:25:45 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Depends on how much she can push back her feelings.  Ideal is for her to sit him down and say that she feels that she hasn't been very attractive to him lately. Is there something she could do to change that?  That approach might be able to salvage the relationship if he simply hasn't realized what he's been doing and still cares.

Asking him what he's up to might resolve things but he might resent her taking the lead.

Or she could just leave.


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RE: Play with others - 12/28/2010 6:02:52 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He's just not that into her. But he doesn't want to be the bad guy and end it so he's being deliberately hurtful to drive her out.

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RE: Play with others - 12/28/2010 6:07:57 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Yes, it's a clear message. He's saying she's not something he wants to spend time on or invest himself in. Only they know whether the problem is fixable or not. It's common to lose interest in your partner when there are rifts between the two of you, it doesn't necessarily mean the disinterest is permanent...it can be repaired with genuine effort on both sides. Unless of course one or both have reached a deal breaker type of situation. Like I said, only they know where things are...

(in reply to Contesa)
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RE: Play with others - 12/28/2010 6:37:08 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It wouldn't happen..period.

Sure he might play with others but if he continually ignored me for everyone else I'd be gone in a heartbeat. Why the hell would I stick around for absolutely no reason whatsoever??

I can't figure out why you're still hanging around.


(in reply to lizi)
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RE: Play with others - 12/28/2010 8:05:30 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		unless it was a punishment for a transgression a serious talk would be needed to discuss the relationship as it seems to be a relationship gone sour

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(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Play with others - 12/29/2010 2:52:54 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I'm with clip here - definitely a talk is in order.

If he doesn't realise that what he is doing is hurtful and destructive, then he needs to know.

If he knows that what he is doing is hurtful and destructive but doesn't care, then she needs to know.

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RE: Play with others - 12/29/2010 3:21:21 AM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

He's just not that into her. But he doesn't want to be the bad guy and end it so he's being deliberately hurtful to drive her out.


what she said.

I would refrain from trying to change my behaviour to play with him as suggested previously as I have the strong view to like me as I am or not. If he avoids that much playing with her as you say, then IMO it would be too much necessary to change to turn that wheel around and not an healthy option anymore to keep this relationship alive.

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(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Play with others - 12/29/2010 7:06:03 AM   
BbcSlutKc


Posts: 60
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		if a poly relationship was not agreed on i would most certainly talk with him and if no change happened i would be gone very quick. y not go and find someone who wants the same things as u? y stay unhappy when being happy is an option?

(in reply to Phoenixpower)
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RE: Play with others - 12/29/2010 7:15:21 AM   
DaddysInkedSlut


Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline 		I would have a long talk with him. Be respectful but honest about what you are feeling and why. Also be honest about what you NEED from him, not what you want but what you NEED. He may not even realize what he is doing bothers you.

If it's just play perhaps something could be altered. Perhaps he has realized he is into something you are not.

Perhaps its just the "new" factor and IMO playing with others doesn't mean he is looking for a relationship with others nor does playing with others mean that someone is poly IMO.

< Message edited by DaddysInkedSlut -- 12/29/2010 7:16:09 AM >

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RE: Play with others - 12/29/2010 7:17:45 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Contesa

I was recently asked a question by a very close friend and unfortunately was unable to provide an answer because I didn't want to get involved in their relationship.



Good policy. My advice: Buy her a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" and let her make her own decision. Also, I suggest being ready with ice cream. Regardless of if they split or stay together, I see crying and girl time on the horizon.

Best of luck to her.


_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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(in reply to Contesa)
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RE: Play with others - 12/29/2010 4:57:09 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		More importantly than our opinion is to ask her if she's happy. And ask her if she's willing to still be in the same place in ten years? Or two years? Or six months? Help her come to a recognition that the only way her situation will change is if she changes it. Which may be her playing with others at parties and in private, like he does. Or telling him this isn't working for her and she isn't willing to tolerate it any longer. Or just packing up and moving out, and  moving on.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Play with others - 12/29/2010 5:57:05 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Fortunatly my partner wouldn't do that, and I never have to worry about that baring some strange personality change, or alien abduction and replacement un beknownst to me.

But if it  did happen, and it bothered me,  I'd be having a heart to heart talk with him and seeing if we can get any resolution and if not, I'd be leaving him.

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(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Play with others - 12/29/2010 6:49:05 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I was recently asked a question by a very close friend and unfortunately was unable to provide an answer because I didn't want to get involved in their relationship.


I don't get your attitude. If she is actually your close friend, you can't hide behind "not wanting to get involved" when she asks for advice. You give it as tactfully as possible.

First you neglect to answer her question, and then, despite the obvious answer, post it to a bunch of strangers. I'm thinking maybe you aren't her friend at all. I'm thinking you are one of her Sir's playmates/online companions, and would like to rub it in your "friend's" face.

January

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[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to Contesa)
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