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RE: Question - 1/3/2011 3:34:14 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

but my kind isn't always kind


We get that, really.

(in reply to osf)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Question - 1/4/2011 10:50:44 AM   
Cula


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		Thanks:

Some great advice in here and I want to thank you all for your responses and advice.
The conclusion I have come to is to put off attempting to establish any kind of master/slave dynamic
and concentrate on our marriage.
While I will continue to read, ask for advice, and learn as much as I can about a D's relationship I think
at this point it is just adding weight to an already unsteady ship.

Thank you all again.

Cula

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Question - 1/4/2011 12:11:03 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
Why is that even a question?
It's a question because there are a TON of subs and doms both who disagree with that assessment. Caring about one's partner is one of the cardinal undomly acts. Good lord, if you start caring about whether she enjoys sex, the next thing you know, you might care whether her feet hurt and offer her a foot rub at the end of a long day. Why... down that path is the ultimate misery... vanilla!!


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Question - 1/13/2011 3:19:19 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula


Now here is where we begin to have problems. "She has set ideas as what it means to be a slave
and set ideas as to what it means to be a master". And while stating repeatedly that she only wants to please
me ( a large part of the problem in our marriage before was her being spoiled) she also had a great deal of conditions set on how
This dynamic would work.




see here is the problem in a nuthsell. see quote marks. She is the dom .. You are not. Just cuz you cap up doesn't make the man of the house.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Question - 1/13/2011 12:20:28 PM   
Cula


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		Figured I would get at least one Asshat responce.
But again thanks again for all the advice.
Things are looking better everyday and working out very well.

Cula

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Question - 1/13/2011 7:59:58 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

Figured I would get at least one Asshat responce.
But again thanks again for all the advice.
Things are looking better everyday and working out very well.

Cula



Yep Yep dat be me. Lemme get this straight she has a idea how YOU should act as her "master" and how she should act as your slave and YOU don't see anything wrong with this picture???? Uh in my world I act however I want and it is up to her to react the way "I" want.

But you keep telling yourself that you are the boss. Maybe "someone" will believe you. It sure sounds to me like your all blow and no go

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Question - 1/13/2011 8:06:24 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

She has set ideas as what it means to be a slave

Perhaps you may need to clue her in to the fact that what it "means to be a slave" is to be determined by the dominant partner in the relationship.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to daddysprop247)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Question - 1/13/2011 8:11:32 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

Figured I would get at least one Asshat responce.

That's odd, because SB's response was quite to the point.

Based on your words, she is the dominant partner. The only thing that seems to confuse you is that, via her dominance, she is choosing to play the self-envisioned role of the bottom (/"slave") that she wants to play. You may be playing the "lead role", but she's directing the film.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Question - 1/13/2011 9:28:54 PM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

Thanks:

Some great advice in here and I want to thank you all for your responses and advice.
The conclusion I have come to is to put off attempting to establish any kind of master/slave dynamic
and concentrate on our marriage.
While I will continue to read, ask for advice, and learn as much as I can about a D's relationship I think
at this point it is just adding weight to an already unsteady ship.

Thank you all again.

Cula

The backing off the M/s dynamic to concentrate on the relationship is the best Idea I have heard yet. It is apparent that, otherwise, you are being and will continue to be topped from the bottom so hard you might as well buy kneepads.

Strengthen the relationship FIRST. After that, you can work out the D/s or M/s dynamics. Just remember, if you arent calling the shots, you are NOT the Master.

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Question - 1/14/2011 9:23:39 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam


quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

Thanks:

Some great advice in here and I want to thank you all for your responses and advice.
The conclusion I have come to is to put off attempting to establish any kind of master/slave dynamic
and concentrate on our marriage.
While I will continue to read, ask for advice, and learn as much as I can about a D's relationship I think
at this point it is just adding weight to an already unsteady ship.

Thank you all again.

Cula

The backing off the M/s dynamic to concentrate on the relationship is the best Idea I have heard yet. It is apparent that, otherwise, you are being and will continue to be topped from the bottom so hard you might as well buy kneepads.

Strengthen the relationship FIRST. After that, you can work out the D/s or M/s dynamics. Just remember, if you arent calling the shots, you are NOT the Master.



Touche BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Question - 1/14/2011 9:40:19 AM   
Cula


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		Ok
First I Belive I said "she has set ideas as to what it means to be a slave and set ideas as to what it means to be a master".
Not that I agreed and or followed those ideas * ) just that she has them.
And I see that as a problem from the start. It's hard enuf to establish a D's relationship IMHO after haveing a vanilla relationship with the same person for 16 years without one person or the other having preconceived notions of how it should work from the start.

Now the reason I gave the "Asshat" responce was I did expect at least one "Your no Dom... Cause I am and I said so Raarr".
This is after all a forum and a forum with no trolling would be well a shock.
If he had said what you did about being "topped form the bottom" or asked a question about how our relationship worked outside of our sex life (which allways has been and will continue to be very Dom\sub) then I would not have responded with the Asshat comment.
But to pipe up with "your no Dom" using one obviously misunderstood line is a little foolish.
I am by no means calling myself Master of anything. I am the "top" in my sex life and claim nothing more.
While I think I would enjoy a slave/master dynamic with my wife I think enjoying a steady and healthy relationship first seems smarter.
Again I will to continue to read forums, books, ask advice and I thank all of you in advance for your advice.

Once more posting from IPhone so...ya

Cula

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Question - 1/14/2011 10:40:06 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		LOL The more you attempt to back peddle the more foolish you look.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Question - 1/14/2011 10:49:55 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		No, actually he gave a well thought out reply to your snarky one.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Question - 1/14/2011 3:21:12 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cula

Thanks
Unfortunately she flat out refuses to talk about/ write down
Anything to due with her likes/dislike when it comes to sex.



You allow her to refuse?

I know, moot point, since I read your post about ditching the D/s for awhile. It was just the thought that popped into my head.

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Question - 1/14/2011 4:32:11 PM   
Cula


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		No it's a very good point and something that still bothers me for a few reasons.
First while I understand her reasons "that it takes all the spontaneity out off sex to have written instructions"
Same with fantasy.
I don't always agree. It would be nice to some have some new ideas and nothing gives a dirty mind like mine ideas like a
good fantasy. Thou after 16 years I don't need a "paint by numbers"
And In all honesty I just don't like to be refused. But this is not something I need to function either as a Dom nor as a master.(IMHO)
I have always thought it funny how so called "Masters" brag about being so in tune with there slaves. Then you look at all there posts and they have there slaves write everything down from likes and dislikes in bed to what they want to eat for breakfast.
That's not in tune, it's getting instructions.

But if I have not said this yet I am looking for more of a "Make my home a place of peace and serenity, care for, love, and serve me"
relationship and less of a "your my pet and/or dependent bark when I say bark".
It's not my ego I need/want stroked. : )

Cula

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Question - 1/14/2011 9:15:50 PM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		Cula, seriously, if she writes, says, indicates it and you do it for that reason, you are the SUB.


A M/s dynamic means that (subject to limits) YOU call the shots, period. If she dont like it, tough shit.

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Question - 1/14/2011 9:24:37 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		Well, it is because I am a huge advocate of writing that it struck a chord with me, so that is my bias. If it's not your thing, it's not your thing.

Many things which I've written out have never actually been done. But many things have. That is up to the discretion of the man I'm writing for. There are two sexually creative people in any relationship I'm in, and it's not only fun to try and outdo each other, sort of, as to who can be more twisted, but it affords me the time to think about how to choose my words and dig inside of myself in private to reach a place I didn't think I could ever admit to anyone. I'm not so verbal in the bedroom, though comparatively speaking, I'm probably more verbal than a lot of women, but less verbal than I like my man to be. I'm the "quiet" one. But writing allows me tell him, at my own pace, what I can't get out in the heat of passion. I feel a lot of nuances can be missed in oral dialogue.

It's never instruction, though it is an exchange of ideas. It's a way that I dig deeper into myself to give to him what I would not give to just anybody, and what I didn't know I had in me to give. It's not all, or even mostly, pure sexual acts. I can write a whole night about the simple act of kneeling when he walks in the door, how it makes me feel, why I feel that way, why I want to kneel for him, how it physically hurts my knees and why I like that, how he looks to me when I look up at him, the anticipation when I hear his car door shut closed, whether I wonder if anyone will see me kneeling, taking his hand to help me up, etc. LOL - one time I wrote pages and pages about his simple directive to get some coffee for him.

Anyway, I digress. (Drinking wine - getting a little wordy.) Like I said, I certainly understand if it's not everyone's thing. But it certainly doesn't have to be instruction. It's just fun and it feels good to do it!


(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Question - 1/14/2011 10:27:54 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		No offense to you, but you are not a Master.  You are a service top.

Now, don't get Me wrong.  Being a service top under the right circumstances is a wonderful thing.  A service top is meeting everybody's wants and might include the illusion of power and control.  If it's working for you and your life, party on!  Have a great time.

But, it's not working, is it?  That's why you're here.  One of the quintessential differences between a Master and a service top is the top always to look for outside ideas about how he is supposed to preform.  Seeking outside ideas for gratification where a Master would take what they want.  A Master of the home and their life doesn't do this.  They rely on instinct.  Something you can't quite do.

When you learn to tap into that, rather than be the supposed 'master' that your girl tells you that you should be, come back and ask your question again.  Until then, let her pull your strings and make you a proper puppet.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Question - 1/15/2011 6:52:14 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: salemartist

why not seperate the D/s roleplay and the sex? you can play with the D/s part of the relationship to satify that craving and later on or even on a differnt day seperate from your D/s playtime have convential sex and concentrate on stimulating and satisfying her needs. it may be a case of too much sexual energy being directed into the D/s play. Certainly you dont need to have sexual gratification during D/s play, and vise versa


The only fault I can find here is the assumption that D/s is role-play, where in reality most D/s Dominants live their D/s life and certainly do not see it as role-play because the D, in the D/s is an integral; and natural part of who they really are. As  M type in M/s relationships, I am by nature an M type in everything I do. Rather than role-play the M/s with a casual sub/slave, I choose to have empty collars until the right lass meanders my way. In other-words, I am the Master of my home, Master of my crafts (9thC Irish Calligraphy), Master of the areas of Martial Arts I still train, and hold a Masters Degree in my profession. Ergo In 90% of my life I am a Master. Outside some areas of medieval activities, I have no time nor inclination for role-play.  


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to salemartist)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Question - 1/15/2011 7:55:33 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

No offense to you, but you are not a Master.  You are a service top.

Now, don't get Me wrong.  Being a service top under the right circumstances is a wonderful thing.  A service top is meeting everybody's wants and might include the illusion of power and control.  If it's working for you and your life, party on!  Have a great time.

But, it's not working, is it?  That's why you're here.  One of the quintessential differences between a Master and a service top is the top always to look for outside ideas about how he is supposed to preform.  Seeking outside ideas for gratification where a Master would take what they want.  A Master of the home and their life doesn't do this.  They rely on instinct.  Something you can't quite do.

When you learn to tap into that, rather than be the supposed 'master' that your girl tells you that you should be, come back and ask your question again.  Until then, let her pull your strings and make you a proper puppet.



This.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 40
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