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RE: Question - 1/15/2011 10:06:25 AM   
Cula


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		Ok this is my sixth attempt to post (stupid iPhone) so if I seem a little pissy that is why.

Now being "Topped from the Bottom" or a "Service top" are both interesting ideas.
Not fitting to my relationship or to me but still interesting ideas.

Again I unfortunately see the need to once again point out that I am not in anyway shape or form stating or claiming to be in anyway shape or form a Master.
I am in and will continue to have a BSDM/Top-Bottom/Dom-Sub style SEX LIFE with my wife. That's all. We are both interested in taking this part of our relationship outside of the "bedroom" but have not done so.
I came to the forums (and will continue to do so) to ask advice from people who are actively involved in a lifestyle I am interested in.

Now at the risk of coming off like a jerk I am going to make a quick point consering an earlier post.
In the work I have done for most of my adult life (police,fire,ems) we have a name for folks who going into any potential job, relationship, life-changing, or life-threatening situation and haveing a fount of potential information (in this case these forums) instead rely on instinct alone or a "I already know it all" aditude. Total Jackass.
Anyone and I mean ANYONE who has the ability to ask questions or get sound advice from people actively involved in and or more knowledgable about a potentially life-altering change or decision and instead rely on instinct is a Fool and doomed to Failure.

And unless I totally misunderstood telling me I'm a "service sub" because I ask for advice instead of relying on instinct then later on telling me once I learn how to rely on instinct to come back and ask my questions again makes no freaking sense what so ever.
If asking for advice makes me a "service" top how is learning to rely on instinct (which I already do when it's even close to appropriate) then coming back and asking for advice again change anything?

Now I came here asking advice and in doing so opened up the door to any and every kind of response. If I'm wrong I expect to be told I'm wrong and if I'm mistaken in my approach to something I again expect to have that pointed out.
But repetely pointing out I'm not something (a master) that I don't claim to be and or pointing out all the ways in which your more dominant then I am is just Dick Beating and sorry but I am not interested.
I do not expect to dictate what response I get when asking for advice but I do think it's fair to ask for it to at least be relevant to the subject and not just a snarky comment or insult.

Thank you again for all the advice while I may not allwas agree I do allways appreciate it.

Cula

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Question - 1/15/2011 12:19:18 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		It's not every day that somebody tells Me that I'm involving Myself in the contest of dick slapping on the table to see who is bigger and better.  Seriously, that's not what I'm doing here.

I'm afraid that you and I will have to agree to disagree.  My position is that naturally born leaders....... Lead.  It's what we do.  It's at the core of us to be in authority.  It's not something you teach.  It's either in there or it isn't.  I can teach people tons of stuff on subjects like topping, protocol, and all kinds of things, but I can't teach a personality trait.  It's either in there or it's not.

You're so busy listening to what your wife thinks a Master should be and here on these forums asking what other people think you should do to be a Master that you're not tapping into you think makes you a Master.  That's not leading.  That's following.  Quite frankly, you don't even know if the advice you are listening to is coming from folks who are actually doing this thing.  You're pulling from a source that you can't even verify.  For all you know, I'm just some guy in Jersey living in his Mom's basement who's never actually participated in wiitwd.

Not that I want to encourage you to post from your iphone again (that's got to be driving you nuts) but tell Me exactly what is so sacred about your bedroom door.  If you know how to give commands in that room, why can't you give commands outside of it?  The whole thing really is that simple.

Do yourself a favor.  Go out and meet some folks in person who are really doing this thing.  Watch how they interact.  See what kind of M/s styles appeal to you.  Take a look and come to your own conclusions on what you would like to have in your life.  You.  Not your wife deciding for you, not people on a message board.  You.  I promise that you'll thank Me for it.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Question - 1/15/2011 12:55:58 PM   
Cula


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		All very good points.
And it would be nice to talk irl to someone who has some exp in this.
But did you see what state I live in? Lol

Thanks again:

Cula

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Question - 1/15/2011 1:09:48 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		What?  Do you think they don't have munches there?  Shoot.  One of My prior boys got his start in the lifestyle in that state.  We've had some regular forum posters who are there, some of whom I've met in person.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Question - 1/15/2011 1:50:31 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		This may not be as up to date as we'd all like, but you can also
google Bdsm Utah for additional resources.
http://www.drkdesyre.com/index.htm
Best of luck to you both.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Question - 1/15/2011 2:11:13 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I get the feeling that they are incompatible d/s partners. He wants a service oriented sub, she wants a lot of force play. This doesn't make him submissive or her wearing the pants. It means they aren't compatible. If they were just dating, we'd recommend they seek more compatible life partners, not take pot shots at differing needs.

Unfortunately that attitude of talking about it doesn't work, you have to be a mind reader stuff is for the birds.
Since she wants someone who demands and forces compliance, you might try a maintenance spanking. You require her to rate each spank on a scale of 1 - 10 and aim to stay around 7 in terms of pain. Sometimes it can be useful to deliberately make it too hard for her to handle in order to force her to safeword. Ask her if she's safewording if she can't talk.

And take it out of the bedroom in a way that you want. You want a home that appeals to you. So order her to do the things you want. Tell her what dish you want for dinner tomorrow (give her a day to pick up ingredients). Notice there's newspapers all over? Order her to clean up the place while you watch the news. Pay attention and either commend her for getting it done if she does so in a timely manner, or make her do it over on her knees as punishment for not doing what she was told the first time. This presumes no kids around watching.

And she needs some protocols. Make her kneel at the side of the bed and ask permission to join you. If she objects, tell her she accepts having to sleep on the floor that night, or on the couch. Still objects? Tell her that when she's ready to submit you will be ready to dominate her.

Make your needs clear and for now, give them as orders, not as politely worded questions. Because right now everything's connected to what turns her on, which obviously is force play. It takes a while to progress from everything has to be kinky sex to being happy because you've made your partner happy.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Question - 1/16/2011 5:25:31 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Question - 1/16/2011 10:33:37 AM   
sirssubk2008


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/1/2011
Status: offline 		I know that I am like your wife and don't like to talk about what I like, at least not verbally.
Once I was introduced to erotica, I found a way to communicate my needs and likes alot easier.
In the begining, I would take little tidbits from a story and send to my partner, then he would know it was something I would like to try.
I've gotten more advanced since then and have actually learned to write my own erotica, though I'm still a beginner, this seems to serve more than one purpose. I can communicate my needs, and while writing I can actually envision the scene. I still have difficulty with this, but this type of communication makes sense if a person is unable to verblly communicate.

This was introduced to me in a task form. If she won't do it as a task, then I agree that some sort of punishment should be issued.
Another possibility would be to read the erotica with her, pay attention to her body and see what seems to turn her on. If you are well attuned to her physical responses, this shouldn't be too difficult.

Good luck

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Question - 1/16/2011 7:59:24 PM   
capthook55


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline 		Your main problem is sepperating sub/slave from the wife.
I find the easiest way is first of all DO NOT try having sex with her in the bed you share
Next forget she has a name, call her worthless whore or something all the time you're playing, make her call you Master, Lord or Sir. If she doesn't don't hesitate to punish her (I find a slap across the face works, it doesn't even have to be hard)
Finally think of it (not as her) as your sex doll

I think that you will both find it satisfing

(in reply to daddysprop247)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Question - 1/17/2011 9:20:50 AM   
Cula


Posts: 11
Status: offline 		First off let me thank everyone responding for getting back to advice/ideas.
Ok the taking sex out of the bedroom and objectification.
Both fanfreakintastic ideas as I do them both already : )
Punishment during play is something I started doing a few months ago as she tends to play the "little girl" during play and pouts if made to wait or teased. I use a bit of both light bondage and spanking to remind her to obey and be patent and a rare slap or heavier spanking for the rare times she disobeys.
( Thou I must admit as pain is something she enjoys receiving I Belive she pouts/disobeys at times just to be punished)
That brings me to DesFIP's point about our different Needs/wants.
You hit the nail dead on with me wanting a service oriented Sub and with her being a force oriented Sub.
Fortunately she is even more into the 1950's household idea then even I am and lives to serve.
And I haveing a very thin sado streak enjoy dealing out a bit of punishment almost as much as she enjoys getting punished.
( bit of a footnote. Her pain tolerance would make a pro MMA fighter cry so it's a Interesting challenge to bring new forms of pain to our play. But I'll add just so as to not give the wrong idea as we are both new to adding pain/punishment to our play I am taking it very very slow and very very carefully. Sry didn't want the next 40 post to be about safety : )
Back to the point. So while DesFIP was half right about our tastes we tend to lean in the same directions.
And that brings me to my final point. I Belive the ideas and advice I get are only going to be as good as the information I put out which is why I aim to be as forthcoming and open as I can.

Thanks again for all the ideas/advice.

Cula

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Question - 1/18/2011 4:56:38 AM   
zero69u2


Posts: 107
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		"She has set ideas as what it means to be a slave and set ideas as to what it means to be a master. And while stating repeatedly that she only wants to please
me she also had a great deal of conditions on dynamic....."

After reading that part of your post.. She's kinda setting you up to fail as a dominant.
first you have to end the comparison, second it sounds like your being dragged into a role that you did'nt want to play in the first place.
right now everything's connected to what turns her on and her previous master's dynamic...
please push the
"Hell No" button "this is what I want.. this is what I get turned on by"... after you have your list of what you want.. then you can compare it to her list of wants and needs and find some common points to draw up a new plan.
If she continues the comparison and you don't stop what your doing and turn the ship around.. thats on you.

Agrees with Lady Pact.. Go out and meet some new people as a couple. thats a very good idea..

(in reply to Cula)
Profile   Post #: 51
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