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RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 2:57:24 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sYncalis1
Im a newbie and ive been virtually ignored.

I'm happy to insult you if you think that'll help? ;)

(in reply to sYncalis1)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 3:29:13 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Like LP, I only started using online a few years ago - for me I was in a situation where I was so lonely that I got over my prejudice that only socially maladjusted people use online to meet each other (it was how I thought back then - and yes, there really was a big stigma). People slammed me. They shook my presumptions and misinformation. They talked in a harsher manner than I'd been accustomed to. But so what?

Years ago there were "bottom" discussion groups, "top" discussion groups at some of the meetings I went to. Not really different than the forums here, just slower because we met once a month instead of having 24 hour access to each other. Same stuff happened there in real life, just slower, less dramatic because one or two people would get their panties in a twist, take things too personally, whatever. It's more condensed on the internet.

CM is no better or worse than those meetings where "fresh meat" was hit upon, posers were faking it, and militants tried to change the behaviors of everyone except themselves.

Meh.
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 82
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 3:29:22 PM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Why would you imagine that this is different than any other group of people with very little in common?

Collarchat is different from the other groups I frequent, this is the single most snarky forum that I belong to and I've caught my own writting style becoming more aggressive as a result. I don't put that out there to attack collarme but to point out that we don't have to accept the statis quo, it is possible for us to be a friendlier community.

I think that those of us who feel this way occasionally sticking up for the new poster who has stumbled into it or asking those who are getting a bit heated (even if we agree with their point) to take it down a notch might go a long way towards making this a more enjoyable place for everyone.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 83
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 3:33:27 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel
Collarchat is different from the other groups I frequent, this is the single most snarky forum that I belong to

Out of interest, do the other ones have fluffy bunnies in the title?*

Seriously, apart from the right-wing gun nuts and loony lefties letting loose on the politics areas, I haven't found CM any more unpleasant or aggressive than anywhere else I've been on the net. And I don't consider myself especially thick-skinned.

*JOKE! It's a joke ok! Sheeeeesh :)

(in reply to GotSteel)
Profile   Post #: 84
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 3:38:52 PM   
MaxsGirl


Posts: 355
Joined: 12/2/2010
From: The Arctic Circle
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

Collarchat is different from the other groups I frequent, this is the single most snarky forum that I belong to and I've caught my own writting style becoming more aggressive as a result.



Never participated in a parenting board, huh?  The snark on mommy boards would curl your hair if you think this place is bad.  I've been run out of two of them merely for being autistic and unable to express myself clearly when I feel strongly about something.

I'd a newb compared to a lot of people here.  I'm a newb to this board and a newb to BDSM, having only been in the life off and on (mostly off) for about ten years.  I definitely don't stand out here, and rarely get any direct feedback on my posts.  But snark?  I haven't had any directed towards me, despite my chronic Foot In Mouth Syndrome.  It's all about common sense - be genuine and polite, read carefully before posting, don't pretend your fantasies are reality, admit when you're wrong, and do your own damn Googling.  Interacting here isn't that much different from any interaction with a large and diverse group.  If the autistic girl can do it without getting into trouble, anyone can.

_____________________________

Property of rubbrdsir

Collared Fox and
Future Thru-Hiker!

(in reply to GotSteel)
Profile   Post #: 85
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 3:41:09 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		I find CM a lot more East Coast in attitude (East Coast, USA) rather than anything else. Sharp, witty, no holds barred, no nonsense. Not everybody's cup of tea. And one must be able to take it if they dish it out or they WILL be called on it.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 86
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 3:48:17 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I havent replied to any of your threads largely because by the time I get there things are way over the top. I am not part of a clique by any means but the stuff that I have read has been mostly people defending their POV. If you don't like it, pass it by. Reasonable people do that. I haven't noticed that you are all that reasonable as so in general I take a pass on your posts. New is one thing, people make mistakes when new. But to come out of the gate with a line of posts that are insulting.. well, thats just bad behavior.
I have seen many newcomers join and get along fine. Attacks happen when a poster wants others to rally to their court.

(in reply to anniezz338)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 3:50:43 PM   
CerVeza


Posts: 156
Joined: 10/13/2010
Status: offline 		I've never trusted anybody that wears a cape. Isn't that odd? I know, but it's just one of my prejudices. Berets are also a no no.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 4:02:09 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sYncalis1

Im a newbie and ive been virtually ignored. So I never really got to into the site.


Hi sYncalis1 - welcome to the forums!

I would ignore your profile too; these 10 words don't really grab me:

quote:

New to the scene, just really seeing whats out there.


Why don't you flesh it out with kinky and vanilla interests and consider adding some more pictures as well?

Best,

KK

(in reply to sYncalis1)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 4:12:30 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MaxsGirl

It's all about common sense - be genuine and polite, read carefully before posting, don't pretend your fantasies are reality, admit when you're wrong, and do your own damn Googling.  Interacting here isn't that much different from any interaction with a large and diverse group. 



(in reply to MaxsGirl)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 4:16:53 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

In other words, just because somebody wants to do anything they like in the name of "kink" it's supposed to be tolerated?  Everything a person says has to be accepted because they have an interest in wiitwd?

Sorry.  No to both.


Lady Pact,
I do not like what I call the HNG's (Horny net geeks) any more than you do. Iam constantly bombarded with emails from CD's and TV's due to my love of latex (apparently they love it too). While I know this does not compare to what the women on the site get, I do understand the frustration of getting bomarded with do me emails.

I have seen posts from newbies looking for information on things like CBT, anal, nipple play, etc (any kink). They want to know what to do, how to do, what techniques. We (including myself) on the board tend ot jump down their throats especially in the forums. I am saying we should be a little more tolerant to some of these people. I say this because they are new and they really do not have a clue on what to ask and even so much as how to ask.

I remember the day I got interested in BDSM. There was no internet. Trying to find information took months. You actually had to write snail mail to Dommes. Learning about CBT techniques I remember writing letters back and forth for 6 months. I was lucky enough to run into a wonderful Domme in Columbus Ohio. Like me, she had a love for latex. We had a wonderful relationship for 4 years until she moved to the West Coast. One thing she did was to sit with me for an hour after every session and ask what I liked and why I liked it. I was absolutley dumbfounded the first few times she asked me that. I was not able to answer. I did not know why I liked it. She forced me to really analyze what it was that I was enjoying and why.

Along those same lines from my own experience as a newbie I know many of the newbies are truely interested in learning. Yet they do not know how to ask or even what ask. So yes, I think we should be a little more tolarent. As to the question of how do you sort out the HNG's from Newbies truely looking for information? I do not have a good answer.

_____________________________

Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 91
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 4:27:20 PM   
RapierFugue


Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321
I remember the day I got interested in BDSM. There was no internet. Trying to find information took months. You actually had to write snail mail to Dommes. Learning about CBT techniques I remember writing letters back and forth for 6 months. I was lucky enough to run into a wonderful Domme in Columbus Ohio. Like me, she had a love for latex. We had a wonderful relationship for 4 years until she moved to the West Coast. One thing she did was to sit with me for an hour after every session and ask what I liked and why I liked it. I was absolutley dumbfounded the first few times she asked me that. I was not able to answer. I did not know why I liked it. She forced me to really analyze what it was that I was enjoying and why.

So you're saying that people can now cut months or years off their learning curve, but asking that they behave politely or respectfully or just decently is asking a bit much, and everyone needs to show "tolerance" as a result?*

Hmmmmm. And further hmmmmm.

*I've yet to see a regular example where someone doesn't show "tolerance". Act like a prick/bitch - get treated like one. Ask a question, and almost everyone seems to just answer it (as best they can). Although I confess I don't read CM forums religiously - I tend to treat it as a bit of a Pick & Mix, so maybe I'm missing the axe murderer responses ;)

(in reply to mummyman321)
Profile   Post #: 92
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 4:30:00 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09
i'm not asking you to like her. i'm not asking you to like her posts. i'm not even asking you to believe she is a tolerant or kind person. i think it is fair, however, to ask that you don't misrepresent her words. You have distorted them beyond all recognition. She said nothing of the kind.


I haven't done anything of the sort. I haven't commented on her posting style at all; I've reposted a sample post. I haven't accused her of anything, only linked to things she's actually said. So cool it, Pam.



Well, i hate to split hairs, but no. You did accuse her: you accused her of saying that "she hates, despises, and is totally intolerant of men with an ounce over what she considered to be their ideal weight..."

quote:

original: DesFIP
...I do find it ironic that a person who wrote a post about how much she hates, despises and is totally intolerant of men with an an ounce over what she considered to be their ideal weight is now complaining about intolerance.

i called that statement a misrepresentation of annie's words. You attempted to back it up- by linking the entire thread itself, and quoting her rant where she goes off and starts insulting various posters. And you're correct- she absolutely did say THAT (the part you directly quoted). She was not the only person to say ugly things on that thread, but she certainly did say what you quoted her as saying.

What she did NOT say is that she says that she hates, or despises, or is totally intolerant of men with an ounce over what she considered to be their ideal weight. If she said that, please provide the quote.

Posters have indicated various quotes that make her look bad. i don't claim that she was right or wrong to say them, and, in fact, she DID say them. No doubt, if you were to go digging into most anyone's posting history you would find things that they wish they hadn't said, things that make them look vicious, or ignorant, or intolerant.

i am not claiming that she is kind or unkind.
i'm not claiming that she's tolerant or intolerant.
i'm not asserting that the quotes on this thread (representing her comments on the fat thread) are characteristic, or uncharacteristic, of her posting style.
Nor am i attributing such claims as that to you (or anyone else)
i have not asserted that you don't like her (although i DID say that it didn't matter to me whether you did, that i wasn't asking you to)
i have not asserted that you don't like her posts (again, i DID say that i wasn't asking you to like her posts, which is not the same thing as claiming that you DON'T)
i am not i'm not saying that she isn't guilty of all the things she specifically complains about in her OP.

All i'm saying is that i don't think you can back up what you quoted above-she didn't say anything of the kind.

Look, i don't want to revisit the whole fat thread for another 20 some odd pages of discussion. (No doubt the mods would frown on such a hijack anyway).

As you can see from my posts, i mostly disagreed with the premise of THIS thread. We are all human beings, and we all do nasty things sometimes (including annie, including myself, including everyone), and it's unrealistic to expect anything else. Furthermore, this is a forum, people are entitled to speak their minds, and anyone who can't take the heat is free to leave. i also said i thought the overwhelming majority of posts here are fair. The highlighted quote is an example of one that isn't.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 1/5/2011 4:35:05 PM >

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 4:38:43 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		To make her look bad? Seriously Pam, I get that you don't like people attacking others but the quotes that have been used here are things she actually said. If that makes her look bad, than she and you need to accept that she said those things. Not only do they make her look bad they influence how people view her. That will change (I have seen it here plenty of times) if she refrains from insults and is polite for awhile. We're people - we remember attacks on ourselves and our friends. Most people do.

Can you find insults in most people's history? Sure. Does that excuse it or even make it understandable? Maybe sometimes. I know i have lost my temper. However, I usually do it at the people are actually insulting me. Not people who have spent the vast majority of the thread not even speaking to me.

As for her loathing, I would say that just as it's been claimed that she was so patient with the posters who supposedly avoided modslanks by not outright insulting her but alledgedly bordered on it, her feelings towards those who are heavy were very clear.

I'm truly amazed that people who tend to want us all to make nice are so comfortable with the insults she hurled around.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 1/5/2011 4:40:40 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to gungadin09)
Profile   Post #: 94
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 4:43:02 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		fast reply
mother mode on

Don't make me stop this car!

mother mode off-carry on

_____________________________

yep

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 95
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 4:44:27 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue


quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
I really hope I don't come across as rude to people.

One person's "rude" is another's "forthright" or "has integrity".

I say a person should just post whatever they want to, and if someone has an interpretation issue with it then they can ask for clarification.

"Fuck em if they can't take a joke".


This. Aside from all the talk about what a message board or forum is supposed to be, each one has it's own personality.

Interpretation is the crux of the matter. We cannot know intent, based only on words. We can try to interpret based on the words and possibly the history of a poster. But we might be wrong and so what?

How you express yourself is very individual and I might be upfront, in your face and helpful all at the same time, but some think I am being bitchy and mean. Oh well.

I cannot and will not change my communication style to suit anyone here other than the Mods. I learned a long time ago when I first came here what the rules were, I broke them, got modded, came back and fit the rules of the TOS now.

But my personal posting style is what it is and some like it, some hate it, and that is life. I always say that if the internet hurts you, it is time to walk away and do something more meaningful.

It is my real life interactions that matter far more to me, but I still find things to enjoy here and ignore what I don't.

(in reply to RapierFugue)
Profile   Post #: 96
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 4:45:26 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321
Lady Pact,
I do not like what I call the HNG's (Horny net geeks) any more than you do. Iam constantly bombarded with emails from CD's and TV's due to my love of latex (apparently they love it too). While I know this does not compare to what the women on the site get, I do understand the frustration of getting bomarded with do me emails.

I have seen posts from newbies looking for information on things like CBT, anal, nipple play, etc (any kink). They want to know what to do, how to do, what techniques. We (including myself) on the board tend ot jump down their throats especially in the forums. I am saying we should be a little more tolerant to some of these people. I say this because they are new and they really do not have a clue on what to ask and even so much as how to ask.

I remember the day I got interested in BDSM. There was no internet. Trying to find information took months. You actually had to write snail mail to Dommes. Learning about CBT techniques I remember writing letters back and forth for 6 months. I was lucky enough to run into a wonderful Domme in Columbus Ohio. Like me, she had a love for latex. We had a wonderful relationship for 4 years until she moved to the West Coast. One thing she did was to sit with me for an hour after every session and ask what I liked and why I liked it. I was absolutley dumbfounded the first few times she asked me that. I was not able to answer. I did not know why I liked it. She forced me to really analyze what it was that I was enjoying and why.

Along those same lines from my own experience as a newbie I know many of the newbies are truely interested in learning. Yet they do not know how to ask or even what ask. So yes, I think we should be a little more tolarent. As to the question of how do you sort out the HNG's from Newbies truely looking for information? I do not have a good answer.

I think maybe you should have read My second post on this thread as well as the first.

On a very realistic level, on most topics, I've already spent the time and effort to write out those answers.  They are in the archives.  If I feel I have something to add when I have a vested interest in a person's situation, I'll write them on the other side giving them as much as I think I possibly can.  I'm not going to do that with everybody.  Tips on play and such, I tend to keep to the email side of things here because I'm more willing to do that on a case by case basis.  There are four people on this thread alone that know I will take the time to do that.  Every person who asks?  There aren't enough hours in the day.

Rather than repeating Myself, I'd appreciate if you read the answer above where I quoted BonesFromAsh.  If I've been unclear in My position from that point, feel free to comment on those points, and I'll be happy to address them.


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 1/5/2011 4:53:23 PM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to mummyman321)
Profile   Post #: 97
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 4:45:39 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

Well, i hate to split hairs, but no. You did accuse her: you accused her of saying that "she hates, despises, and is totally intolerant of men with an ounce over what she considered to be their ideal weight..."

quote:

original: DesFIP
...I do find it ironic that a person who wrote a post about how much she hates, despises and is totally intolerant of men with an an ounce over what she considered to be their ideal weight is now complaining about intolerance.

Pam. Sweetie. Look at my username, and then look at the username on that quote.

I didn't say that. I literally just reposted a quote of Annie's from the thread in question. You're putting Celeste's words in my mouth. I would appreciate it if you didn't do that.


_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.




(in reply to gungadin09)
Profile   Post #: 98
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 5:21:39 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I think maybe you should have read My second post on this thread as well as the first.

On a very realistic level, on most topics, I've already spent the time and effort to write out those answers.  They are in the archives.  If I feel I have something to add when I have a vested interest in a person's situation, I'll write them on the other side giving them as much as I think I possibly can.  I'm not going to do that with everybody.  Tips on play and such, I tend to keep to the email side of things here because I'm more willing to do that on a case by case basis.  There are four people on this thread alone that know I will take the time to do that.  Every person who asks?  There aren't enough hours in the day.

Rather than repeating Myself, I'd appreciate if you read the answer above where I quoted BonesFromAsh.  If I've been unclear in My position from that point, feel free to comment on those points, and I'll be happy to address them.



Lady Pact,
I had read your reply to bonestoash. Those are really good suggestions but it was not the point I was trying to get across. Attend a munch, go to a demo, read a book on BDSM, are all fantastic ideas. Now if you are a newbie, you have no idea what to go read, where to go to a munch etc, or even to correct way to approach in the forums. How do they know to do this? They just joined to board and they have started to ask questions. What I am saying is we should not always attack and ridicule those people. I do not expect you or anyone else on the boards to answer every single question a newbie asks them. No one has the kind of time. But we can certainly do a better job of guiding those people in the right direction. Thats just my personal opinion.

_____________________________

Life - Its not about where you are but about the journey to get there - I prefer to choose the road less traveled

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 99
RE: Is CM really good for newcomers? - 1/5/2011 5:27:56 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious


Pam. Sweetie. Look at my username, and then look at the username on that quote.



Glad to know I'm not the only one who hates being misquoted. That was Celeste, not VC Pam. I have since said that I felt that her loathing was clear but unstated so you could chew me out for that. But not VC. Though according to the logic at play here, I'm completely in the clear since - after being insulted - it's understandable. XD

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 1/5/2011 5:30:46 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 100
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