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Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 3:28:17 AM

slavetoMsJ

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My mistress wants to do some extremely degrading things to me--so degrading I don't want to give specifics here, though I'm as eager to submit to them as she is to inflict them. For her, part of the goal seems to be to purge herself of every last milligram of respect for me--or perhaps (even more exhilaratingly, from my point of view) a part of her already sees me as not deserving respect, and she wishes to persuade me, in the most compelling fashion, to see myself through her bemused and scornful eyes. The interesting thing--I don't fully understand how it can be--is that I have absolute faith that her love will remain undiminished no matter how many layers of literal or metaphorical filth encase me, no matter how far she reduces me.

I'm getting tired and am having a bit of a difficult time articulating the rest. I think I'll leave off here for now. I'm sure there will be some interesting responses to this one.

Post #: 1

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 3:29:26 AM

Awareness

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Yes. Perfectly reasonable. Because we love that which we despise.

Alternatively, you could be living in a fucking fantasy world.

(in reply to slavetoMsJ)

Post #: 2

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 4:09:25 AM

kiwisub12

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What do your feelings of humiliation have to do with her love?

And how do you know that what she is doing to you is decreasing her respect?

(in reply to Awareness)

Post #: 3

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 5:27:26 AM

sweetsub1957

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The above, plus I personally don't understand that myself.

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Post #: 4

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 5:52:36 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Has she told you that the purpose of this is to lose all respect for you? Because if not, you may be assuming it whereas she may be gaining more respect for you by your strength in undergoing all of this. Talk to her.

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Post #: 5

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 5:59:40 AM

OttersSwim

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And how will your degradation affect other aspects of your life - like your job, relationships, and general interaction with the world? If you truly believe that you are a worthless piece of trash, it is going to be hard to set that aside to go be someone else at your job, around your friends, etc.

Humiliation is one thing...degradation quite another...

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Post #: 6

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 6:07:59 AM

PeonForHer

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I think it's worth considering the possibility that people can have two, entirely contradictory, feelings at the same time. That could go for feelings of respect and disrespect - both in your case, and in hers. That's how work with all this stuff, anyway.

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 1/7/2011 6:11:05 AM >

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RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 6:15:39 AM

LillyBoPeep

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if she hasn't said specifically that that is her goal, you're simply transferring some desire of your own onto what she is doing. in reality, she may think it's AWESOME and respect you MORE for doing those things. everything here is "from [your] point of view."

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 8

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 6:36:06 AM

osf

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respect?

whatever for?

disrespect is another way to keep a slave in it's place

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Post #: 9

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 6:43:05 AM

allthatjaz

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I don't respect you. I think your nothing more than a slutty little bitch who deserves everything that's coming to you.

Goes and has a serious word with myself for entertaining the pig

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Post #: 10

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 6:46:14 AM

xssve

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Well, objectification/humiliation often goes back to the intimacy thing: love and intimacy make you vulnerable, "weak" if you will, and not everyone is comfortable with their own weakness, and find ways to avoid confronting it - on the flip side, caring too much can be inhibiting - you don't want to have second thoughts just when you've whipped (metaphorically or otherwise) her to the edge of orgasm, thinking "how could I do this to someone I love"? - That's not going to work out for anybody, its a recipe for disappointment.

I find I can flip back an forth without a lot of difficulty, but I've also found that many people magnify their worst fears - i.e., to some, I'm this monster with no conscience, to others, I'm too "precious", since it's all good to me, and I'm more or less simply giving whoever, whatever they need or want - first impressions presumably.

i.e., things are seldom what they seem, many seemingly loving couples are going through the motions, many engaged in a constant struggle are deeply attached and inseparable - love isn't a cliche, that's just a marketing gimmick, it is what it is.

Then again, she might be a sociopath, and you're in denial - if that works for you, then it works for you - it is an imperfect world.

< Message edited by xssve -- 1/7/2011 7:00:41 AM >

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 11

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 6:46:38 AM

tazzygirl

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wow, when did you get a slave?

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Post #: 12

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 6:59:13 AM

xssve

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There is an inherent nobility in loving, it is in some sense, an act of sacrifice - so one side of masochism is a sort of martyr complex, another side might be the desire to be punished for an inability to feel love, since it is a "normal" emotion, really hard to say - but I think that's where fetish and BDSM is healthy, we're all screwed up in our own unique ways, and getting the kinks out helps externalize and confront it, and remain functional (just look at the number of people on meds these days, not to mention the greater number that probably ought to be), rather than internalizing it and having it turn self destructive.

My Two cents, keep the change.

(in reply to xssve)

Post #: 13

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 7:10:14 AM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavetoMsJ

...... a part of her already sees me as not deserving respect, ......

This is an assumption.

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(in reply to slavetoMsJ)

Post #: 14

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 9:06:47 AM

osf

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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

wow, when did you get a slave?

as soon as i find one with self esteem issues and a death wish

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 15

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 9:33:50 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

No kidding, right?

Anyway, OP, I don't consider what I do degradation. I feel that the term humiliation is more appropriate. The reason for that is that I consider these things to be a certain type of play and not an undercurrent that is a constant in our dynamic. For us, it's something that is in the dungeon only. It's not the way that we interact on a regular, day to day type basis.

I can't speak for your dynamic, but in our case, clip enduring the things that I do to him actually makes Me respect him more. The fact that he's willing to endure certain things for Me only makes Me think more of him.

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Post #: 16

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 2:07:49 PM

ricken

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Joined: 1/11/2010
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I agree with LadyPact, some of the stuff I say and call me girl is really pretty hard and could be considered degrading by others. I think the world of her and (do my best) to show her the most respect that I can outside of our playtime, there are things said that don't get said any other time....

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 2:14:36 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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One last thought op. If it turns out that she thinks more of you for this, but you cannot accept that and you feel that she cannot respect you, you need to talk about how healthy humiliation is for you.

Myself, I can't accept that he thinks I'm a slut at one hour and truly believes I am a person who is monogamous and not slutty two hours later. As a result, we can't do humiliation without it causing damage to our relationship. And there's nothing wrong if you need to not do this, or simply have her use kinder, gentler terms.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

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(in reply to ricken)

Post #: 18

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 2:55:24 PM

sexyred1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

One last thought op. If it turns out that she thinks more of you for this, but you cannot accept that and you feel that she cannot respect you, you need to talk about how healthy humiliation is for you.

Myself, I can't accept that he thinks I'm a slut at one hour and truly believes I am a person who is monogamous and not slutty two hours later. As a result, we can't do humiliation without it causing damage to our relationship. And there's nothing wrong if you need to not do this, or simply have her use kinder, gentler terms.

See, for me, I love that because I actually am both a slut and monogamous and both sides of me co-exist happily. So I love humiliation and I believe that I deserve respect because I respect myself for being true to who I am and for having the self esteem and confidence to actively embrace my dark side.

I was with a man (my ex) who was new to this whole concept and at the beginning, he was good with this. He said he loved me all the time. However, as time went on and he became more and more into what we were doing, vs. who we were, he allowed boundaries to disappear and began to only see me as a slut who did not deserve respect the rest of the time.

That was the end because I lost respect for HIM, not being able to get that you need to treat someone who you are engaging with in this dynamic, with respect. So him telling me he loved me was no longer valid since respect was not accompanying that statement or actions.

I will never allow that to happen, no matter how intense and fun the dynamic is, because in the end, if someone is disrespecting me outside of the negotiated dynamic, they are not for me.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 1/7/2011 2:56:41 PM >

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: Love Without Respect - 1/7/2011 3:42:47 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

One last thought op. If it turns out that she thinks more of you for this, but you cannot accept that and you feel that she cannot respect you, you need to talk about how healthy humiliation is for you.

Myself, I can't accept that he thinks I'm a slut at one hour and truly believes I am a person who is monogamous and not slutty two hours later. As a result, we can't do humiliation without it causing damage to our relationship. And there's nothing wrong if you need to not do this, or simply have her use kinder, gentler terms.

See, for me, I love that because I actually am both a slut and monogamous and both sides of me co-exist happily. So I love humiliation and I believe that I deserve respect because I respect myself for being true to who I am and for having the self esteem and confidence to actively embrace my dark side.

I was with a man (my ex) who was new to this whole concept and at the beginning, he was good with this. He said he loved me all the time. However, as time went on and he became more and more into what we were doing, vs. who we were, he allowed boundaries to disappear and began to only see me as a slut who did not deserve respect the rest of the time.

That was the end because I lost respect for HIM, not being able to get that you need to treat someone who you are engaging with in this dynamic, with respect. So him telling me he loved me was no longer valid since respect was not accompanying that statement or actions.

I will never allow that to happen, no matter how intense and fun the dynamic is, because in the end, if someone is disrespecting me outside of the negotiated dynamic, they are not for me.

See I understand the being v having aspect of relationship also.
For me ambivalence (more than one mode of being) is everything. It's my attachment style.
I wanted to add that it's not about things (fetish) necessarily for me. I can play string games with my cats but I am not in a relationship with them but using that same string to incapacitate someone carries with it the promise that they will eventually get to be free again.
I love the ambivalence of that.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 20

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