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Termyn8or -> RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. (1/11/2011 12:59:25 AM)
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UFR
Don't sweat it. Worrying just makes it worse and it'll make you skiddish about it. You are the counsellor as a Parent, if you need help then you do, but I wouldn't break out the thorazine just yet.
First of all 14 year old kids are alot more savvy then most think. Need a Windows password cracked, a cellphone programmed, an ipod loaded with unlicensed tunes? Get the kids to do it. Years ago it was they who had to teach Parents how to program the timer on a VCR. You can't keep much away from them. At 14 most of them should be working for the NSA, like safecrackers who went straight and worked with safe manufacturers.
This is no worse than them finding porn magazines really, the big issue is the divorce. Ever have your Parents get divorced ? It sucks. So here's the kid thinking "Great, and now this". The nuclear family is gone, those days are over and if you wanted the "white picket fence" sorry about your luck. There are many worse things in life.
However she does not see it that way. If possible you are the one to teach her that life is not a rose garden, and the divorce will certainly accomplish that. This issue just puts a little kink into the picture - no pun intended. What has happened has happened. The thing is with the divorce coming she is already in a world of shit. How would it be for example, if she walked in and Daddy had you strung up on a chandelier and was whipping you like a pinata ? Wouldn't be as bad would it ? The divorce sucks more by several orders of magnitude.
When my Parents got divorced I would've given my left nut to get them back together even though he was a drunk at the time and killing her emotionally. I didn't see it that way at the time. She is pissed because you are breaking the home into pieces. When anyone gets into that state, a straw can break the camel's back. After the divorce is she going to have to live with this guy ? Where will Dad be ? Is he going to be nice or an ass ? She is unsecure as hell right now, and she came by it honestly. Downplay the kink, upplay the guidance you owe her. Who will she want to live with after the divorce and why ? Can she forgive you for breaking up her home ? And yes it is HER home. Get that through your hed. The kink doesn't mean shit compared to that.
Maybe it's time to blow the lid off, only you can say. If the kink is that much of an issue, exposure can help to downplay it. This is dangerous territory here, but anyone can go on the internet and find all kinds of kinky porn. Kids included. Hard to believe it really doesn't matter isn't it ? She may have found you on myface or spacebook or any of the other sites which allow people to destroy their own privacy sphere. It is not the main issue. Her life is going to be torn up, why ? Right now somebody must be to blame, and as far as she's concerned that would be you.
Get down to the heart of the matter. She needs to blame someone to avoid blaming herself. You can't expect her to have the maturity to avoid that psychological reaction. So guess what - you're it. Can you explain just why you are getting divorced ? What is wrong ? You must be truthful and hopefully you haven't lied yet. These brats will tear you apart, they are uncannily able to see through a facade.
Really though, if you are getting divorced simply because you found someone else, you are in deep shit. For some reason if that's true, you were unfulfilled, you need to explain that. And that you only live once. That could be tricky and she may see you as selfish. That's the risk. Welcome to life.
But the fact is you can explain it better than anyone behind a desk. Of course you should consider a professional counsellor, but go there yourself first. And you have to try to deal with this yourself first.
You must. Not because YOU are troubled, because SHE is troubled. It's your job, seeking a hundred buck an hour sounding board is a backup. It may be that she just won't talk to you. I don't mean the cold shoulder, but that there are certain things she won't tell you. That's where the pros come in. Like I said, it is not time to rush to the thorazine store.
Keep us "posted" and good luck.
T
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