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Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/16/2011 3:55:32 PM

LDVixen

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Joined: 11/28/2010
From: Southern CA
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I have never enjoyed the belt being used on me, it's an implement that scares the hell out of me, which probably makes it hurt worse. Sir enjoys using the belt. He understands my aversion to it, but he wants to get me used to taking it more often because using it on me pleases him.

He has been using it on me around once every other month, but suggested that the more often I submit to it, the less frightening it will become. He is careful in his use of it, but I know he wants me to take it more often and harder for him.

He has been putting a small vibrator in my pussy before starting to whip me, making sure I am sexually excited before he begins. It helps, but by the time he is done with my whipping, I am shaking and scared. The only good part about it is when it's all over, and he holds me for a while, telling me he's proud of me.

What tips do you have for helping a person learn to accept if not entirely enjoy something they are not thrilled about?

Post #: 1

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/16/2011 4:41:51 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Master loves to use his belt.I absolutely hate it. I hate pain. He knows this, is quite aware of it..which is one of the reasons he enjoys it though.

I do however like knowing he is enjoying himself and he is happy so if using his belt and making me hurt is what does it for him then I get through it the best I can.

Some suggestions though to maybe help you get through it is to ask him for a warm-up until your body can withstand it more

Breathe

and one trick we use is being bound. If I'm left alone and tightly bound for awhile I'm able to meditate and zone out and then I'm able to withstand more than usual.

(in reply to LDVixen)

Post #: 2

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/16/2011 5:43:19 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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It depends on where your aversion comes from. If you were belted as a child, then it may not be possible to change your feelings towards it. However if you are able to take a couple of hits from it without shaking, then maybe it would help if he would work first on letting you take it without fear by using it more frequently but very lightly. And when you can handle five hits, then have him increase it to seven. And slowly take it more and heavier. The operative word here is slowly.

_____________________________

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(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 3

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/16/2011 7:39:48 PM

LDVixen

Posts: 131
Joined: 11/28/2010
From: Southern CA
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Yep, it would stem from having it used on me through childhood into my teenage years, abusively at times. (Think a mass of bloody welt marks from the top of my ass to the back of my knees with lots of wrap marks and you'll get the idea. There was nothing erotic about it and the belt has the power to render me a babbling semi-catatonic zombie. Lovely ehh, but the point is, I survived it with only being afraid of having a belt used on me. Could be far worse, ya know?)

He was told that the belt was one of my few hard limits from the get go so he understood it. I want to please him, and I care more about pleasing him than being afraid of the belt. He has been going very slowly with using it on me, getting me to the point where I no longer begin shivering with fear when he simply takes it off to put it away. He makes a point of pulling it out fast once in a while watching me, smiling in a goofy manner so I know he is teasing me.

When I am experiencing PMS my pain tolerance triples, and this is when he has been using the belt on me. I become so horny and masochistic that it's easy to talk me into nearly anything during this time, just please, hurt me and get me off! Even as horny as I am, the belt scares me.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 4

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/16/2011 8:16:20 PM

Phoenixpower

Posts: 8098
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
However if you are able to take a couple of hits from it without shaking, then maybe it would help if he would work first on letting you take it without fear by using it more frequently but very lightly. And when you can handle five hits, then have him increase it to seven. And slowly take it more and heavier. The operative word here is slowly.

what she said.

I would even take it more slowly considering you have been abused with it in younger years.

_____________________________

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The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 5

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/16/2011 8:28:44 PM

osf

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can you learn to endure the belt?

or better, can you learn to endure being property?

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Post #: 6

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/16/2011 8:30:01 PM

sexyred1

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It is funny, I love floggers but hate belts. There seems to be something abusive about belts and for that reason, I stay away from them. Could not advise on how to enjoy something like that; I just won't do it.

(in reply to Phoenixpower)

Post #: 7

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/16/2011 10:17:17 PM

StrictlyKind

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Joined: 1/16/2007
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I'm not sure if other D-Types are like this, but one of the reasons I like my belt is that it is so very very personal.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 8

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 12:44:54 AM

IronBear

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Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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Generally speaking, it is usually a matter of mind control. focusing on beliving that the belt id not so different to other forms of similar beatings which may be both acceptable and even enjoyable. It can be also a simple matter of convincing yourself after each stroke that it was indeed enjoyable and nowhere as bad as you believed. This is aimed at starting the flow of endorphines to help you over the hurdles. Mind over matter yes to a very large degree. It is amazing what pain can be both endured and even enjoyed at some level by humans under duress or stress.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to StrictlyKind)

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RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 4:12:19 AM

thishereboi

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quote:

He was told that the belt was one of my few hard limits from the get go so he understood it.

To me, a hard limit is something I absolutely will not do. If my master could not understand that, then he wouldn't be my master anymore. As far as you eventually getting over your fear....it may happen. I would have to know you to answer that. It may be that it will cause you never to trust anyone again. Who knows. That is why I always pay close attention to someones limits before I decide to play with them.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to LDVixen)

Post #: 10

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 4:16:22 AM

kalikshama

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A vibrator is inadequate warm up. You may be aroused, but your endorphins are not flowing.

I ADORE floggers, but do not like paddles or canes, but if I'm properly warmed up with a flogger, can tolerate or even enjoy them.

I'm concerned about your abuse history, and that he didn't know, or didn't care, about proper warmups, given that you had told him belts were a hard limit.

Sometimes BDSM is a great way to work through past abuse, but the two of you have to be careful that he is not re-abusing you and that you are not giving him permission to actually abuse you (as opposed to for fun.)

It also sounds like you are not safewording. I think you need to be more concerned with your emotional safety than with pleasing him. In child abuse, the abuser does not stop. In BDSM, it can be incredibly empowering to use a safeword and have the person stop.

Best wishes,

KK

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 1/17/2011 4:28:07 AM >

(in reply to LDVixen)

Post #: 11

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 4:22:56 AM

subsfaith

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Joined: 11/21/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LDVixen

I have never enjoyed the belt being used on me, it's an implement that scares the hell out of me...

What tips do you have for helping a person learn to accept if not entirely enjoy something they are not thrilled about?

Stop telling yourself that you have never enjoyed the belt being used, that it scares you, etc. While you keep telling yourself that it will be so.

Try reminding yourself of only the positive things... and if a negative creeps into your mind chase it away with positive though.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LDVixen

The only good part about it is when it's all over, and he holds me for a while, telling me he's proud of me.

This would make a good reminder... well the last bit would anyway, he is proud of you. The first part only goes to remind yourself how there is only one good part... more negative reinforcement.

This isnt the easiest or quickest method of changing your mindset (I'm not sure there is a quick and easy route) but with time and practice it will become first nature.

< Message edited by subsfaith -- 1/17/2011 4:25:54 AM >

(in reply to LDVixen)

Post #: 12

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 4:40:33 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Joined: 12/29/2010
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the more often you use it MIGHT help you get past your fear, but it might also push you right back into it, too.
i agree that a vibrator isn't a very adequate warm up, especially for something that involves so many negative triggers from your past. kalikshama has some great points -- perhaps if you were able to safeword out of the belting, then it might help you remove the association with abuse.

sometimes deeply traumatic triggers take more than simply running into them more often, and it is slightly concerning that he wants you to experience it more often (which is conveniently the outcome he wants) without really dealing with the cause of the problem. sometimes abuse issues can't be resolved this way.
(note: i'm not saying that he's a terrible monster who is doing everything wrong, but sometimes people want you to get to Point X so much, that they're sure simply getting to Point X will remove all your problems with traveling down Road Y. it just isn't that simple, it really isn't.)

when i was a kid, i had belts, hangers, extension cords, all sorts of things used on me. not to the point that you've described, but it definitely left me with fears and negative emotions associated with certain objects and the person who was using them. my late M liked to use a strap -- maybe your Dom could try that?? straps can be very belt-like when handled, but you may not associate a strap with your abuse history. i've only recently come to a point where belts don't scare me the way they used to.

but ultimately, you are responsible for your emotional well-being, and sometimes you have to think about that first, especially if someone else isn't seeing the whole picture. maybe you should talk to him about how important the belt is -- is hitting you with a belt more important than being in a relationship with you? if you know that he would rather have you than the belt, it might take some of the stress away. and honestly... avoiding the belt might be something he has to consider. many subs/slaves participate in activities that they dont like and will never like, but do it because their D/M likes it -- and there's nothing inherently wrong with that. sometimes just wanting to please CAN be enough to help you overcome anything. but we can have such strong drives to please in spite of the fact that something really ISN'T good for us. we're humans, we're not perfect, we're not machines. and sometimes Doms have to understand that simply "wanting" something just may not work.

< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 1/17/2011 4:41:53 AM >

(in reply to subsfaith)

Post #: 13

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 4:47:50 AM

phoenixmoonn13

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline

does he have different ones as one with a different feel may be easier to cope with. master often uses the belt (which i love) it does hurt but he has one thats very stingy which he has to wait to use cant take it straight away. he has about 5 he uses each feels different

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 14

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 5:42:02 AM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LDVixen

Yep, it would stem from having it used on me through childhood into my teenage years, abusively at times. (Think a mass of bloody welt marks from the top of my ass to the back of my knees with lots of wrap marks and you'll get the idea. There was nothing erotic about it and the belt has the power to render me a babbling semi-catatonic zombie. Lovely ehh, but the point is, I survived it with only being afraid of having a belt used on me. Could be far worse, ya know?)

Is your partner aware of the bolded part of the above quote? Is he aware of why you have such a viseral reaction? Is he playing at being therapist thinking that by getting you to like it you'll move past any fear?

quote:

He was told that the belt was one of my few hard limits from the get go so he understood it. I want to please him, and I care more about pleasing him than being afraid of the belt.

So, he was told this was a hard limit and yet you give the impression in your next sentence it isn't. Which is it?

quote:

He has been going very slowly with using it on me, getting me to the point where I no longer begin shivering with fear when he simply takes it off to put it away. He makes a point of pulling it out fast once in a while watching me, smiling in a goofy manner so I know he is teasing me.
When I am experiencing PMS my pain tolerance triples, and this is when he has been using the belt on me. I become so horny and masochistic that it's easy to talk me into nearly anything during this time, just please, hurt me and get me off! Even as horny as I am, the belt scares me.

Sounds like neither of you are seeing the use of a belt as a hard limit. "Darlin' you got to let me know....should I stay or should I go?"

(in reply to LDVixen)

Post #: 15

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 7:17:43 AM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

Is your partner aware of the bolded part of the above quote? Is he aware of why you have such a viseral reaction? Is he playing at being therapist thinking that by getting you to like it you'll move past any fear?

When I was getting to know a potential Dom, he had me write a list of 10 things that made me hot, 10 things I was curious about, and 10 things that scared me. He was a psychologist and taught psychology. He invited me to drop in on a class, which I did, which happened to cover aversion therapy. I saw where the fear thing was headed and bowed out.

If I asked for help in being desensitized that's one thing, but otherwise, that's just too much of a power exchange for me.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 16

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 7:42:48 AM

BonesFromAsh

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

If I asked for help in being desensitized that's one thing, but otherwise, that's just too much of a power exchange for me.

BINGO!

We're suppose to be adults here and as such it falls to us (in a general sense) to be responsible for ourselves. If a man I was involved with felt he knew better in regards to a hard limit I had based on past abuse experience, I would honestly see this as a personal red flag.

It would be my responsibility, as an adult, to explain this limit to my partner and own the responsibility of protecting myself from experiencing this limit until and if such time as I feel I can allow it to become a more softer limit.

If my partner were unwilling to accept this boundary and continued to push this limit (either because he felt he could "make it all better" or because it simple was something that got him off) I would have to question my desire to remain involved with this person.

If I had a hard limit that involved something like blood play (for medicial reasons) but my partner was sexually excited by such activities and therefore felt I needed to work past my "averision"...who's responsibility is it to enforce that limit?

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 17

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 7:56:36 AM

NuevaVida

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I was also whipped with the belt a lot as a child, and grew to have a tremendous fear of it. Like you, I wanted to overcome that fear so it would not hinder me.

My ex had me befriend it. He let me touch it, and caressed my face and body with it. I could see it was just a piece of leather, no different than any other piece of leather. He would hit me very lightly with it, and because of my fear, the pain was a LOT greater than it would have been, otherwise. But I did learn that it wasn't the belt that was "dangerous" to me, it was the hand that held it. In his hand, it would not harm me.

I was well on the road to overcoming that fear until he used it as punishment. Not his smartest move as all my fears came back to me, and the belt no longer felt safe, even in his hand.

But that's the past. Daddy knows of my fear of the belt, and has used it a few times. When I see him pull it out, my heart jumps, but the emotional safety I feel with him is constantly reinforced and fostered in me (didn't have that in the past relationship), and he's pretty gentle with the belt, caressing my bottom between hits. He starts out very gently, caresses me, then very slowly increases the strength of the hit until I'm at a point I don't even remember what he's hitting me with, I just want more. But he does this each time and never just starts whacking me from the start. He is very careful with it.

Many women (myself included) are highly sensitive to pain in the day or two leading up to our cycles, and then throughout the cycle. I'd suggest asking him to hold off on belt use during this time. If you're trying to overcome your fear of the belt, the last thing you need is to associate it with awful pain, as this will build your apprehension.

So to answer your question, yes, you can overcome your fear of the belt, but it will take great care on both your parts.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to LDVixen)

Post #: 18

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 8:51:21 AM

LDVixen

Posts: 131
Joined: 11/28/2010
From: Southern CA
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I realize that there is only so much information that can be given online because explaining a relationship in detail is hard to do.

First, he is not forcing me to do anything, I am sorry if I gave that impression. If he was forcing me into anything, I would be out the door. Coaxing me into it is perhaps a better description.

Second, we do play with a safe word. In over two years of play, I have never needed it. The closest we came to a safe word was when I managed to flail myself out of position, so that the blow with the ruler landed badly, striking close to my tail bone. I yelped out a curse word and everything came to a screeching halt. Me yelping out curse words is not normal, and he stopped. I twisted at the wrong moment, and the blow connected before he could stop the momentum.

I am sorry for not being articulate enough to explain the dynamics of this.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 19

RE: Can I learn to "enjoy" the belt? - 1/17/2011 9:19:10 AM

CherryNeko

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Joined: 12/29/2010
From: Mexico City
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1) He won't hurt you. Not the way you're scared to be hurt.
2) Vibrator won't do. Start slowly, with the same belt. Have him laugh or tell you something so you can focus in something other than the fear. Maybe if he does it once or twice, then moves on to something else, then does it again, it'll be easier.
3) Yes, you can learn to enjoy the belt. I personally think it's so sexy. And if he likes that, maybe there's this look to his eyes when he uses it... don't get into trouble, but if you can catch a glimpse, it'll be golden.
4) Avoid taking the belt while you're tied up. Be aware that you can either stop the game or walk away whenever you want to. He will understand.
5) It also helps not to think, for things you really hate with a passion. Disconnect yourself, but it won't be as cute.

_____________________________

How many mornings do we have
Before this night ends?
I'm dying surrounded by white flowers
Which scatter in the sky...

(in reply to LDVixen)

Post #: 20

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