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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 8:38:41 AM   
angelikaJ


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Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		If you feel it is necessary to try to explain then perhaps giving them the book When Someone You Love is Kinky would be a start.


Beyond that once the discussion comes up (presuming it is a discussion you want to have) then I would only ask the questions that they ask but be prepared to answer those concerns fully and often more than once.

It is a relationship that works for you.
It is a relationship style that you are happy with.

Beyond that what do they need to know.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 8:50:20 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		How do you explain that connection you have when someone really gets inside your head and starts pulling your strings in that super good way?
I say, "Carol and I are deeply in love and we know each other very well."

When you are talking to someone who believes that its wrong for someone to try to control someone else's mind
Conveniently enough, I'm not controlling her mind or doing any other Svengali-esque technique. I lead Carol... the same as I have a lot of people at work. To my knowledge, it's not evil.

and how its wrong for someone to open up that much of their head to someone else
Wow, intimacy and trust are wrong? Go figure. I guess vanilla folk have been doing it wrong for a long time then.

how do you make them see what a good thing it is to you and how much you want it?
Rather than portray how cool you are because you're so alternative, why not lean on time-worn vanilla concepts? Things like love, trust, compassion, understanding, empathy.... I can explain my entire relationship with Carol in such terms. It's not very scary because I'm not trying to make it alternative.


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 9:01:39 AM   
AngelicaGoddess


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quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

How do you explain what BDSM means to you, to someone who doesnt understand BDSM? I mean, its easy in a way to understand some of the physical aspects of it, but I mean the metal aspects. How it effects your mind, the impact it has on your life. How do you explain that connection you have when someone really gets inside your head and starts pulling your strings in that super good way?
When you are talking to someone who believes that its wrong for someone to try to control someone else's mind and how its wrong for someone to open up that much of their head to someone else, how do you make them see what a good thing it is to you and how much you want it?


Why would I want to talk about somebody who believes it's wrong? I'm not trying to change their minds and how would they know about how my dynamic in my relationship is? For example I live in a poly family, we don't advertise it, we officially just share a house and are very close friends. What happens behind closed doors stays there.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 10:14:06 AM   
Prinsexx


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quote:

ORIGINAL: GhitaAmati

How do you explain what BDSM means to you, to someone who doesnt understand BDSM? I mean, its easy in a way to understand some of the physical aspects of it, but I mean the metal aspects. How it effects your mind, the impact it has on your life. How do you explain that connection you have when someone really gets inside your head and starts pulling your strings in that super good way?
When you are talking to someone who believes that its wrong for someone to try to control someone else's mind and how its wrong for someone to open up that much of their head to someone else, how do you make them see what a good thing it is to you and how much you want it?

These days I just don't talk to people who think any form of sexuality is wrong,
But I do rather enjoy talking to people who are not narrow minded and show a perticular interest in it. What I say depends on the context of that person. For example if they come to me in a therapeitic contaxt (and for the last year I have not been seeing therapy clients because of the economy) then I have copious notes on theories. However most accepted approaches don't deal with the subject and so I would direct them eventually to the writings of those I respect:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ethical-Slut-Infinite-Sexual-Possibilities/dp/1890159018
and of course the inestimable Jack Rinella.
The Story of O is a nice little paperback as a gift also.
Close friends want to hear anecdotes, see whip marks.
I never grow tired of recounting stories to those who are on the turn.
My own fiction and poetry also but then that's preaching to the converted.
Some friends cpme to it by not wanting to listen but have overheard a slight comment.
To clients, friends I would firect them here, or fet Life or alt.com and let them fo their own thing.
As I am in education it's on a need to know basis and so most work collehues really don't need to know.
Although all three of my children are passed the age of consent but they seem to be very content with vaniila relationships and all three seem loyal and happy. So that's all I can ask for.



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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 12:36:46 PM   
CherryNeko


Posts: 330
Joined: 12/29/2010
From: Mexico City
Status: offline 		Explaining BDSM is easy, but not simple. People have a lot of misconceptions and if you dive right to the center, they simply won't get you... and think you're crazy. However, I have always tried to make them understand that every relationship is unique. Not only for couples in BDSM world, but also for everyone else.
Unfortunately, explaining BDSM to a vanilla person might A) make them want to try *wink wink* or B) leave them confused. I think this is one of those things (like making out, or kissing a boy, or having sex) that you don't really GET until you're soaking wet. The only thing you can do is rely on your experience and tell your version of the story. If you explain the feelings and sensations, they will know how much you like it.
People usually think opening up this much to someone is asking to be abused, but that's because there's a lot of fails, violent fails, in the vanilla world. Of course, a Dom/sub relationship gone wrong will inevitably be a violent relationship, but that is not always the case. People are scared of violent relationships because they destroy. BDSM does not destroy. Everything is agreed upon, and contrary to bad relationships, this is a positive interaction which lets you grow and know more about yourself. Besides, if you're not cool with it, you can walk away whenever you want to.
The same goes with someone trying to control your mind: it's fear of violent relationships. Doms don't want to control your mind, they just know you, and want the best for you, just like in a successful, nice vanilla relationship. You have to explain that it's not like turning into worthless sh*t for someone to take advantage of you, it's just trusting another person. Vanilla people submit all the time, too, and when you trust another person you get this feeling, like you share the world. Everyone has gone through it, or want to go through it. Of course, when it goes right, who wouldn't want more? If we want more in the vanilla world, why not here too?
It's just like in a normal relationship.

< Message edited by CherryNeko -- 1/18/2011 12:38:58 PM >

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 12:44:25 PM   
kalikshama


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 1:07:36 PM   
JohnWarren


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Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		Actually, I prefer the old word "wittwd"  (What it is that we do)  It doesn't try to put limits like BDSM.

This question reminds me the time I was on a Fox Network news show and the talking head asked me "Couldn't you just do vanilla sex?"

I thought for a moment and said, "I could ask you 'If you could have steak and lobster, couldn't you just survive on dry toast?.'"  He looked at me and muttered almost to himself, "steak and lobster" and then changed the topic.

That's what BDSM is: Steak and lobster and the rest of the poor sods are getting by on dry toast.



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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 2:34:39 PM   
osf


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Status: offline 		I need someone to do wiitwd with

< Message edited by osf -- 1/18/2011 2:35:05 PM >

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 2:36:32 PM   
FukinTroll


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quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

I need someone to do wiitwd with


I've discovered that the real dolls don't pop, unlike their inferior predecessors. However, when the lil slut popped, you kinda felt like she was using her safe word.


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 2:39:57 PM   
osf


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quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

I need someone to do wiitwd with


I've discovered that the real dolls don't pop, unlike their inferior predecessors. However, when the lil slut popped, you kinda felt like she was using her safe word.




what's a safe word?

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 2:40:49 PM   
FukinTroll


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From: Under a bridge
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quote:

ORIGINAL: osf


quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

I need someone to do wiitwd with


I've discovered that the real dolls don't pop, unlike their inferior predecessors. However, when the lil slut popped, you kinda felt like she was using her safe word.




what's a safe word?


It kinda sounds like PFFFFFffffftttttfttttft.


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 2:52:06 PM   
osf


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quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf


quote:

ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

quote:

ORIGINAL: osf

I need someone to do wiitwd with


I've discovered that the real dolls don't pop, unlike their inferior predecessors. However, when the lil slut popped, you kinda felt like she was using her safe word.




what's a safe word?


It kinda sounds like PFFFFFffffftttttfttttft.



sounds like something they shouldn't be allowed to use


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 3:09:22 PM   
subangi


Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline 		I usually tell them its  more intimate than your usual relationships and with a twist.  There has to be total trust and communication, and you share more of dreams, fantasies, sensations, emotions, and commitment than your average.  Its also like a vanilla relationship where there are many levels and variations.  That usually makes them think before lashing out or judging. 

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 3:23:19 PM   
osf


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quote:

ORIGINAL: subangi

I usually tell them its  more intimate than your usual relationships and with a twist.  There has to be total trust and communication, and you share more of dreams, fantasies, sensations, emotions, and commitment than your average.  Its also like a vanilla relationship where there are many levels and variations.  That usually makes them think before lashing out or judging. 


all that can easily be part of a vanilla relationship

explain the greater trust thing to a woman with 3 kids and another on the way

one thing I never did was over romanticize this


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 3:32:41 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I don't. No one's ever questioned me or my actions or anything else about my relationships. Never once had a problem.

Not sure why you need to explain to anyone.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 3:42:55 PM   
DesFIP


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quote:

ORIGINAL: subangi
I usually tell them its  more intimate than your usual relationships and with a twist.


Except that it isn't. If you're wired for a power equal relationship you would find a dominant partner to be a control freak and a submissive one to be wishy washy. You would find less intimacy in a d/s relationship when it fit you badly and more intimacy in a vanilla one that did fit.

Someone who is allergic to seafood would never want that lobster dinner. It doesn't mean anything more than that. That we are wired to want what we want and not want what we don't want. It's not better or worse, it's just different.


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 4:42:51 PM   
Prinsexx


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I never try to explain. I have even tried to explain some things to people who are into it and sometimes they don't even get it.



Try explaining any aspect of emotional masochism?!


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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 6:33:17 PM   
Kaliko


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Status: offline 		I don't try to explain the emotional part of it. No need - everyone has relationships that are deeper and more meaningful than everyone else's. We're all wired differently. And besides...it's kind of private.

I did try to explain the physical part of it to someone just the other day - the fact that yes, I do get slapped around a bit and yes, I do get "hurt", and she started crying for me! Obviously, I didn't do a good job. After she calmed down, she told me "That's okay, I don't judge you." I'm still trying to figure out what she's not judging me for.

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 6:45:18 PM   
subangi


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: subangi
I usually tell them its  more intimate than your usual relationships and with a twist.


Except that it isn't. If you're wired for a power equal relationship you would find a dominant partner to be a control freak and a submissive one to be wishy washy. You would find less intimacy in a d/s relationship when it fit you badly and more intimacy in a vanilla one that did fit.

Someone who is allergic to seafood would never want that lobster dinner. It doesn't mean anything more than that. That we are wired to want what we want and not want what we don't want. It's not better or worse, it's just different.

This is just how I personally would explain it to someone who asked that had a little negativity.  Not meant to right or wrong when its just my interpretation

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RE: Explaining BDSM - 1/18/2011 8:33:46 PM   
xssve


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